The Big Birthday Question

[neo]

Ok So I have a question for esteemed members of the board,

This is about birthdays.

Since time began, well since my journies into the FSU chasing skirt began its been drilled into me what a big deal celebrations are to women of a russian persuasion. In fact, birthdays, xmas, new years, womens day, the opening of a envelope etc. I can remember a GF not speaking to me for 6 weeks for not marking her birthday, but this door sometimes seems to go only one way....

A real bugbear for me was my ex-wife, in 5 years of marriage I didn't get a card or a present, most years she didnt even acknowledge my birthday (including our first which should have been a warning). yet if i dared miss her birthday it was if I was the son of satan, this kind of explains the death of the marriage.

Now i have taken to thinking the lack of acknowledgement of a chaps birthday is a sign of inattentiveness at best or just not caring at worst, Since i've been writing to several young ladies recently and the one I was keenest on pursuing didn't aknowledge my birthday Im in a dilemma of what to do.

I'm not entirely bothered, even my mum didnt get how old I would be right, but I dont want a repeat where all the gift giving and spoiling becomes one-sided again - it leaves you feeling very used and like a doormat.

therefore a: should it be a deal breaker at a early stage, and if not then what to do?

Do i casually remind said young lady that she has been inattentive to my birthday jubilations, do I be stroppy about it and give her a warning no repeats will be tolerated, mention it in passing as being offended by her lack of attention to the matter??? demand a threesome with her sister?

It obviously bothers me, What I don't really know is what is a proportionate response, it could of been a innocent slip but then it might just be, as my wife proved a character flaw of selfishness.

thoughts?

thanks muchly in advance.

[BillyB]

It obviously bothers me, What I don't really know is what is a proportionate response, it could of been a innocent slip but then it might just be, as my wife proved a character flaw of selfishness.

thoughts?

A few of my RW relationships, the RW/UW did not give me material gifts. The present came in a physical nature. I never reminded them of my birthday and I don't care for a party or gifts. Just be a man about it and say nothing. The threesome with the sister sounds tempting but it'll seem you're childish for wanting a birthday gift and wanting to be honored every year. If she's honoring you in other ways consistently throughout the year that pleases you, forget about a birthday gift.

[neo]

it wasn't that I was expecting a big gift of party that was at issue, but the lack of thoughtfulness even to say "happy birthday" i.e remember its your actual birthday, yet crucify you if you dont roll out the red carpet on their birthday.

I'd be happy for the day to go completely unmentioned, I'm of the age where I don't celebrate getting older - but it smacks of a selfish attitude in a person to expect so much attention on their own celebrations but not have even the care to remember another persons enough just to wish them well.

maybe I'm being over-sensetive on it, but having had a string of very selfish women It would be nice to have someone who thinks about others as well, and I'm just wondering if its a symptom of a selfish character or just general women behaviour.

[GQBlues]

Yes. Push the 3-some with the sister then just go from there  

But seriously Neo, you're more than just a veteran at this - you've been around a few blocks when dealing with FSUWs or women in general.

My wife is prone to be on the selfish side on occassion as well. Not necessarily on my birthdays but on other things. There are times though where I had to re-assess and balance things out to make sure if she's being selfish or I've simply been too spoiled by my past relationships too. More times than not, I believe it's the latter.

In your case, I would think this is a period in your relations where you and the girl are finding out more of each other and if this is one of the things that carry some weight with you then by all means say something about it. If it's not a big deal, then let it rest.

[ConnerVT]

Birthdays are celebrated big in this house.  Everyone's.  Yesterday, it was our son's 11th.  Three days of grocery shopping, a day of cooking (homemade piroshki!), a full Russian table with meat, fish, salads, caviar, chocolates, ice cream and (American) birthday cake.

Six eleven year old boys, four Ruska, two 15 year olds, a two year old, and a couple of blessed Amerikanitz (myself and my best friend, also married to a RW) filled our house for the celebration.

I'm still recovering...  

[docetae]

Birthdays are celebrated big in this house.  Everyone's.  Yesterday, it was our son's 11th.  Three days of grocery shopping, a day of cooking (homemade piroshki!), a full Russian table with meat, fish, salads, caviar, chocolates, ice cream and (American) birthday cake.

Six eleven year old boys, four Ruska, two 15 year olds, a two year old, and a couple of blessed Amerikanitz (myself and my best friend, also married to a RW) filled our house for the celebration.

I'm still recovering...  

We celebrate birthday too a lot. I had a strategy to be sure I will forget nothing ... I asked my wife to marry me a 8th of march, and I married her the day of her birthday...So I am sure to remember both date 

[Vaughn]

Let it slide, neo - but don't dismiss the oversight. Ask yourself honestly - What qualities about
this lady made HER the frontrunner in the current group you're writing to? Are those qualities lacking
in the others - or is there something unique about her that overshadows the rest? Is it external
beauty? Polished English? Location (implying ease of access)? By no means do I suggest you publish
answers here, but to really think about them.

Did all the others acknowledge your day?

It could be her inattentiveness is really something else as you said - selfishness? Beats me, as
I don't know her. But I would tread lightly, continue corresponding, and watch for other telltale
signals of that one trait you cannot accept - the one you've experienced firsthand in the past.

I don't thrive on birthday attention but it sure feels good. Like Conner, mine is always acknowledged
and celebrated, even if it inconveniently falls in the middle of our busy week. Was it too inconvenient
for her to relay her "congratulations" in a message or e-mail?

[Boethius]

My view is that if you had already developed a good rapport with her, and mentioned fairly recently that your birthday was coming up, I would contemplate moving on.  To miss it is an indication of at best, poor manners, at worst, self absorption. 

I have never forgotten a birthday, nor has my husband.  My MIL, a pensioner, manages to send birthday cards to everyone in my family every year.

[JR]

 i.e remember its your actual birthday, yet crucify you if you dont roll out the red carpet on their birthday.

I can't quite grab the actual term but let's say that in her universe you don't matter...get it?

Completely self-absorbed. Why would you give a person like that a warning? Just move on.

Big deal or completely forgetting it, it doesn't matter as long as it is equiteable. If she expects a party she should be throwing you one. If she forgets yours then forgetting hers shouldn't start a war.

[Rina_G]

   
You are absolutely right that the day of birth and other dates are very important for women and for men too.
if you forget this it can cause resentment and anger - a normal reaction. Your good memory, and attention is a sign of confirmation of love and care.
I attribute this to the woman as well. If a woman loves you, you will not remind her of important dates in his life.
She knows and remembers everything.
You know, I am very interested to read this forum - I was surprised by your findings wives - In the CIS, a large number of normal women who seek their own happiness. you write about some monsters.
I can only hope that all the happy husbands do not have time to write in the forums

[Ade]

Since i've been writing to several young ladies recently and the one I was keenest on pursuing didn't aknowledge my birthday Im in a dilemma of what to do.


thoughts?

Maybe she forgot because of all the other guys she was writing to.

Come on, this is silly. If she was a long time gf or wife I could understand the concern but she's just one of the women you're writing to and, to her, you may also be just one of "several", most of whom will never appear on her doorstep no matter the promises they make to her. But, if it's a real concern, be a man and talk about it; if you can't talk to a prospective partner about something like this then you've lost before you start.

And FWIW, both I and my wife have awful problems remembering birthdays; if it weren't for electronic calendars we'd be lost. I've even forgotten my own in the past! Yes, seriously.

[docetae]

I can only hope that all the happy husbands do not have time to write in the forums

There are happy married men too ! I am one of them... and active only when my wife is in Ukraine (pleasure of Canadian immigration process...)

[neo]

Thanks for all the responses and advice!

i've gone for the Russian man angle with this in the end, I have told all the ones who forgot that I am offended by their lack of attentiveness  and as a measure of their future seriousness it simply won't do, especially since their rivals managed to be more congratulatory on said event.

This I feel will achieve a number of resolutions, all favourable to me in one way or another.

As mentioned, the ones who are writing to an army of men and are just carpet bombing won't care less, in which case I haven't wasted the airfare on them.

The girls who are genuinly selfish and self-absorbed like my ex will do exactly as she does and blame me in some way and offer no apology or reason why they are sorry and just get angry or ignore me.

The ones who are my target demographic, someone who is seriously committed to finding a partner and is a attentive and giving person will apologise for their misdemeanour and hopefully beg forgiveness with an array of photos involving them jumping out of a cake in a bikini.(im not really serious about the last bit for those that thing I really am a sex-maniacs).

If it proves to be a full-blown cull then its proved a good marker for my future maturity to put aside lustful thoughts and measure womens suitability on attractiveness and look for better character instead.

The one thing I will pull out from this discussion is the question that this is silly at the correspondance stage and combine that with the comment about my veteran experience. In that experience its these small acorns that tend to grow into a big trees, I suppose Im lucky in that I have managed to go through several correspondance/meeting/dating rounds, and these small nuggets tend to develop into much big behaviour issues - an example is my Wife, she entirely forgot the first birthday when we got together even though she had it written down, this came back to haunt her when at her visa interview over a year later she couldnt tell the visa officer my date of birth, she didn't bother to remember it because it wasn't important to her, but when it was important to her then she didn't know it and it blew up in her face, as did the question when he wanted to know what she gave me for my birthday, valentines cards, xmas etc and she had nothing to say.

This B'day issue for me is a small symptom, having had a lot of experience with high maintenance selfish RW over the years I'm really looking much more at these character flaws, because I have learnt living with them can be absoloute hell!

[GoodOlBoy]

My view is that if you had already developed a good rapport with her, and mentioned fairly recently that your birthday was coming up, I would contemplate moving on.

Now i have taken to thinking the lack of acknowledgement of a chaps birthday is a sign of inattentiveness at best or just not caring at worst,

Hey Neo.

I agree with Boethius.

No acknowledgement of your Birthday?

Unacceptable behavior!!

Move on my friend.

Every man deserves better treatment than that, from their wife/fiancee/girlfriend/Mom.


GOB

[boaterguy]

I'm surprised how quickly people are jumping to conclussions. My 1st question is how long have you been writing each other? 2nd would be have you had the opportunity to acknowledge her birthday?

If you have only been writing a short time I would think nothing of it!

[Ade]

Thanks for all the responses and advice!

i've gone for the Russian man angle with this in the end, I have told all the ones who forgot that I am offended by their lack of attentiveness  and as a measure of their future seriousness it simply won't do, especially since their rivals managed to be more congratulatory on said event.

This I feel will achieve a number of resolutions, all favourable to me in one way or another.

As mentioned, the ones who are writing to an army of men and are just carpet bombing won't care less, in which case I haven't wasted the airfare on them.

The girls who are genuinly selfish and self-absorbed like my ex will do exactly as she does and blame me in some way and offer no apology or reason why they are sorry and just get angry or ignore me.

The ones who are my target demographic, someone who is seriously committed to finding a partner and is a attentive and giving person will apologise for their misdemeanour and hopefully beg forgiveness with an array of photos involving them jumping out of a cake in a bikini.(im not really serious about the last bit for those that thing I really am a sex-maniacs).

If it proves to be a full-blown cull then its proved a good marker for my future maturity to put aside lustful thoughts and measure womens suitability on attractiveness and look for better character instead.

The one thing I will pull out from this discussion is the question that this is silly at the correspondance stage and combine that with the comment about my veteran experience. In that experience its these small acorns that tend to grow into a big trees, I suppose Im lucky in that I have managed to go through several correspondance/meeting/dating rounds, and these small nuggets tend to develop into much big behaviour issues - an example is my Wife, she entirely forgot the first birthday when we got together even though she had it written down, this came back to haunt her when at her visa interview over a year later she couldnt tell the visa officer my date of birth, she didn't bother to remember it because it wasn't important to her, but when it was important to her then she didn't know it and it blew up in her face, as did the question when he wanted to know what she gave me for my birthday, valentines cards, xmas etc and she had nothing to say.

This B'day issue for me is a small symptom, having had a lot of experience with high maintenance selfish RW over the years I'm really looking much more at these character flaws, because I have learnt living with them can be absoloute hell!

Given that you've never met this girl I think you're reading far more into the birthday thing than you should; FWIW, my wife agrees with me. After all, until you've met why on earth should any of these girls really consider you an important part of their life? You are just one of the buzzing flies until you make the trip.

I'd also go as far as to say that you sound like you're still damaged from your last marriage and that you should try not to let past baggage hinder your future relationships.

[neo]

BG, in this case I think they are jumping to the right conclusions - I've been writing long enough for it to be an issue, especially as a number of women I had written to for much shorter time acknowledged my birthday so it felt "off" that the one that mattered didn't. Its more a case that actions aren't matching words, in this situation it would have acknowledged that her behaviour matches her "sales pitch", given I was considering pushing the button on a trip to meet her in the next 4 weeks its the first big "if" - the fact she missed my B'day isnt a dealbreaker, how she reacts to it is more important for the reasons stated.

[neo]

Well the end result was:

I got a very nice apology, and she was very sorry and didn't mean to overlook it. we had a long chat on IM and all is back to normal, if nothing else its achieved a good "hot/cold" switcheroo from my side to remind her its not a done deal

[Rina_G]

There are happy married men too ! I am one of them... and active only when my wife is in Ukraine (pleasure of Canadian immigration process...)

wow really?
I'm glad - for you and your lady.
I like when on the ealth it become one happines more!
love is mutual work - good luck in one!

I'm surprised how quickly people are jumping to conclussions. My 1st question is how long have you been writing each other? 2nd would be have you had the opportunity to acknowledge her birthday?

If you have only been writing a short time I would think nothing of it!

Absolutely agree

[aventino68]

My ex was big about my birthday, in fact even her mum and dad who I hadn't met yet also said happy birthday on skype. But the relationship fell apart so not sure how much you can attach to it. I agree with Neo it's how she deals with the unhappiness you feel at her forgetting what's important to you that's more important.

[Mars]

Women, and men too, can come in some very strange packages.

I have had a very long term (like 9 years or more) and non-exclusive relationship with a woman; sometimes as lovers and sometimes as friends and sometimes as best friends.

I have given her many, many gifts, but none lavish.

She has given me zero gifts!!  Not one tiny, tiny thing.  She is not poor by any measure.

But she has been very generous in showing her affection, attention, and caring for me in many, many other ways.
She cooks everything special that I like.  She dresses exactly as she knows I want her to.  She has cleaned my house and apartments (even on her hands and knees, despite her professional job) to make sure they are spic and span.  She has run all over various towns doing errands and favors for me.  She does send me cards and messages at birthdays, Christmas, Valentines, etc.

Despite all that she has done for me . . . every so often, when I think about it, it bugs me more and more that she has never give me one tiny, tiny, tiny gift in 9 years.

[BC]

Despite all that she has done for me . . . every so often, when I think about it, it bugs me more and more that she has never give me one tiny, tiny, tiny gift in 9 years.

I don't expect gifts from hired help either...  sounds like she has done quite enough.

[Tanner]

I just returned yesterday from a very successful WOVO.  My birthday happened to fall on my last full day in the Ukraine.  I had not mentioned my birth date to my lady since early in our correspondence as to me this is just another day.

Now I know it can be a special day.  It was a pleasent surprise to have a women go to such lengths to ensure a wonderful birthday for me.  She did not give me any gifts but filled my last full day in Kiev with attention, laughs and cooked me a wonderful meal while wearing sexy, tasteful "clothing".  Now I know that my birthday can and should be a special day.  I did some how end up getting her new high-heels for my birthday..... hmmmmm.  LOL!

I feel this day was better than any material gifts I could of received.  It would not of been a deal breaker by any means if she did not remember my birthday but she hit a home-run.  I know this now after reading this thread.

Also I would like to thank the good people of RWD.  I do not think I would have had a perfect WOVO without all the information and great advice here.