Breaking it off

[rjd400]

Hello again folks.

I'm looking for some feedback on the fact that you have to be willing sometimes to "walk away".  I'm actually becoming more aware of that now.  I'm starting to get a gut feeling that I may have to in my current correspondence, but right now it's just a gut feeling.

My question is, when would you cut the line?  I mean, if you are just corresponding with someone (phone, email, chat), but you start to get a feeling that either A- it's not going anywhere, or B- something isn't quite right, at what point would you pull up anchor and sail on?  Or would you ride it out until something significant happened or a major red flag went up?

No specific answer I know, I'm just looking for opinions of the veterans here who have "been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt".

Thanks



 

[BC]

I met my wife long before ever coming to a forum.. just looking around for immigration information.

When I did arrive I became almost paranoid with all the scam stuff etc etc.

Just FWIW.

What's bugging you?  Her or us?

[rjd400]

You know what BC, that's a good point, and I'm not sure.

I guess maybe (for better or worse) reading some of the stories and experiences here is making me more paranoid than normal....
 
Probably a bit of both?

[Shadow]

The best way to know is to correspond (e-mail, chat, phone) with more than one person.
You will soon find yourself at different levels of interest, and able to choose which women you have a better connection with.

In writing there are regular ups and downs, as the mood of the person on the other side does not transfer in writing very well. Its up to you to respark things when they get stale.

Once you are able to talk to each other it will be easier, but the real test is a meeting.
It depends on you if you feel you are interested to meet, if you get the idea a meeting would not interest you, there is more than one woman in the FSU looking for a guy like you.

[BC]

You know what BC, that's a good point, and I'm not sure.

I guess maybe (for better or worse) reading some of the stories and experiences here is making me more paranoid than normal....
 
Probably a bit of both?

For me, the 'trick' to this whole (or)deal is to keep expectations to the very minimum, even null..

I am by nature a traveling man.. going to another country to meet a woman even if it only lasts 15 minutes no great bust.. I can always find something else to do.

From your posts it seems you have the resources for multiple trips.  If my assumption is correct nothing at all wrong with getting your feet wet.

Fear of expectations not being met? or are you ignoring possible red flags?.. two very different ballparks.

A bit of 'cold feet' is normal, but if you feel like you are talking yourself into places you really don't belong then your gut feeling is probably right.

[tfcrew]

The best way to know is to correspond (e-mail, chat, phone) with more than one person.
 

Absolutely.
Would someone not get more than one bid on a new heating system?
If something comes along that seems far more promising than a current interest... the best way [though it is tough] is to stop all communication.
Eventually the questions why?, will stop and they will move on.
They always do.

[BC]

Absolutely.
Would someone not get more than one bid on a new heating system?
If something comes along that seems far more promising than a current interest... the best way [though it is tough] is to stop all communication.
Eventually the questions why?, will stop and they will move on.
They always do.

In a candy store we all have trouble deciding....

Again, the OP is DATING!!

[rjd400]

Thanks guys.

Yeah, I'm thinking I may have to start having contact with more than one gal.  I think I need to because right now I'm lacking two important things:

- dating skills (I was married for almost 8 years, and with her for 10), which I haven't used in a while.  I have started "dating" AW a bit, and the rust is coming off, but it's still a very new feeling for me.

and

- specifically getting to know how FSUW are.  I have only the limited experience with the short (2-3mo) relationship with a Ukrainian girl, so I guess by corresponding with several, I should get a sense for what is the norm, or what may be unusual or a red flag.

[groovlstk]

The whole "be ready to walk away" philosophy is more about what BC alluded to earlier. Too many guys fall in love with a pretty picture, then when they actually meet their online friend they find her disinterested or with another agenda, yet they're so smitten by her looks that they overlook bad behavior until it's too late.

If you have issues w/the woman you're chatting with, try to resolve them with her.

[BC]

Thanks guys.

Yeah, I'm thinking I may have to start having contact with more than one gal.  I think I need to because right now I'm lacking two important things:

- dating skills (I was married for almost 8 years, and with her for 10), which I haven't used in a while.  I have started "dating" AW a bit, and the rust is coming off, but it's still a very new feeling for me.

and

- specifically getting to know how FSUW are.  I have only the limited experience with the short (2-3mo) relationship with a Ukrainian girl, so I guess by corresponding with several, I should get a sense for what is the norm, or what may be unusual or a red flag.

First issue is with yourself. Deal with it.. even more women on top of the pile won't help.

Second issue you can only learn 'on the ground'.. sink or swim.  IMHO writing more 'penpals' won't get you squat as far as experience goes. Keeping in touch here might keep you afloat for a while.

[edit]

One thing about 'norms' is that there are none.. if there were such 'norms' this discussion board would not exist.. someone would have figured it out long ago.

[Shadow]

There are no norms, no usual or unusual things , and very little cultural differences.
What counts is compatibility, and how you feel about what is written and said.
As soon as you have to make excuses for yourself, or for her, you are on the wrong track.

[tfcrew]

Again, the OP is DATING!!

I guess I am confused here because rjd had stated...

My question is, when would you cut the line?  I mean, if you are just corresponding with someone (phone, email, chat), but you start to get a feeling that either A- it's not going anywhere, or B- something isn't quite right, at what point would you pull up anchor and sail on?

Phone calls, e-mail and on line chat is "dating'?

[Gator]

I mean, if you are just corresponding with someone (phone, email, chat), but you start to get a feeling that either A- it's not going anywhere, or B- something isn't quite right, at what point would you pull up anchor and sail on?  Or would you ride it out until something 

If "something isn't quite right" talk to her in specific terms.  Misunderstandings happen all the time given the differences in language, culture and age.

It is early to say "it's not going anywhere."  Nevertheless, at your early stage there are a few reasons for moving on.  For example, if there is no spark between the two of you in conversations, I say move on.  Find someone with whom conversations are easy, fun and interesting.  Why? First, you will be doing more talking than anything else if you marry her.   Second, you will be able to ascertain whether your goals are aligned, your values are compatible, etc. 

[ECOCKS]

I'd sit down and carefully consider "what's wrong" as my first step. When I could articulate that, then I would decide whether there was hope to correct the problem(s). Since you're only at the e-contact stage, it's not like you're being particularly unfair. You have to judge the right and wrong of the situation and how it is taking up your resources (time, emotional capital, money, etc.).

[Vaughn]

Writing to several ladies will certainly make "pulling up stakes" an easier task. Since
something doesn't "feel right", I'd recommend you not only bring that up in conversation,
but also ask if she's feeling the same. Could it be she's beginning to wonder if you're
really going to visit? Or have things not gotten that far yet?

[Blues Fairy]

I've had dozens of pen-pals before I met my husband; all break-off scenarios were different and happened at different stages.  Sometimes after 2-3 letters; sometimes after a lengthy correspondence than just sort of died off; sometimes after a face-to-face meeting.  As a rule, when the nuisances of communication start to outweigh the benefits, go ahead and cut it off.  A gut feeling that things are not right/not going anywhere is a perfectly good reason to do so. 

[Mars]

The best way to know is to correspond (e-mail, chat, phone) with more than one person.
You will soon find yourself at different levels of interest, and able to choose which women you have a better connection with.

In writing there are regular ups and downs, as the mood of the person on the other side does not transfer in writing very well. Its up to you to respark things when they get stale.

Once you are able to talk to each other it will be easier, but the real test is a meeting.
It depends on you if you feel you are interested to meet, if you get the idea a meeting would not interest you, there is more than one woman in the FSU looking for a guy like you.

I second Shadow's words.

Gator says:  "It is early to say "it's not going anywhere."  Nevertheless, at your early stage there are a few reasons for moving on.  For example, if there is no spark between the two of you in conversations, I say move on.  Find someone with whom conversations are easy, fun and interesting.  Why? First, you will be doing more talking than anything else if you marry her.   Second, you will be able to ascertain whether your goals are aligned, your values are compatible, etc."

Some truths here, but I would quibble some.  For instance, some very fine men and women do not write well or talk well on phone, or both.  Yet in person, they are quite good communicators.  Even a wife who talks great with you face to face can still after years not be a good phone talker.

Blues Fairy:  "As a rule, when the nuisances of communication start to outweigh the benefits, go ahead and cut it off."

Good idea there.  But before this nuisance factor kicks in, I would recommend keeping contact with this gal as well as many others whom you should be corresponding with under Shadow's idea.  I have thought that nothing much would come of some meetings with gals who were poor corresponders.  But upon meeting, everything was much better.  So don't cut them off too soon, but just don't keep your eggs all in one basket.

[JR]

If it's something specific, address it directly. Use a terp if you have to.

If is something vague it's probably you. Date casually. Get you know yourself again. Write more than one woman. It's all about options. When you have options you are with someone because you want to be with them and it feels right. When you have no options you are susceptible to the "Life Boat" mentality.

[BC]

I guess I am confused here because rjd had stated...Phone calls, e-mail and on line chat is "dating'?

No... his intent is to go and date IIRC