RW Addiction.. Does it exist?

[BC]

If a RW could be swallowed, smoked, snorted or injected they would likely be deemed illegal.


ad·dic·tion   n. 

Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction. [/b]

The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something. [/b]
 

After a few years hanging around RW related forum you start to get a feeling that all is not 'right'.

This is not to say that AM/RW relationships do not form in a healthy, normal manner, but that quite a few seekers seem to show some obsessive and even compulsive behavior once the RW idea gets in their head(s).  Although the contrived list of symptoms below is not based on fact or studies, I'm pretty sure those affected may be able to identify with some.  Even without any supporting evidence whatsoever I'm convinced substantial numbers of men really do get caught up in this quest in ways that are quite unhealthy.

I could have listed quite a few items more but below are probably some of the signs during the early initial RW involvement stage. I'm sure many others would apply to those in more more advanced stages: 

-------------


You spend countless hours browsing thousands of RW MOB online profiles, dreaming that you could be standing right now beside her, or her, or maybe her - while your household chores and work pile up.

You start to get a little 'guilty' nagging feeling when others around you want to peek at the MOB sites you've been surfing lately.

You keep other unrelated windows open on your screen, or find that your mouse cursor hovers over the [X] button ready to click when using more public internet facilities. 

You use website search tools to find 'compatible' matches but in doing so totally ignore women in your age group (except for a peek where your first thought is 'Naaa.. I can do better than that')

Your last or current GF, wife or significant others' appearance suddenly now belongs in the 'Naaa.. I can do better than that' category.

You can't really remember your last real date, but are totally convinced that the women on MOB sites would be totally enchanted to be in your presence.

You start thinking about 'traditional' in terms of a necessary relationship trait, when in fact your ex or any other woman would have slapped you silly if you complimented her as such.

You feel like a star when your mailbox is full of unsolicited emails from women that simply insist you are or could be 'The One'.

You hesitate, or don't delete unsolicited emails from women, especially those that include 'interesting' poses in attached pictures.

Your surfing sessions include both RW and erotic sites, sometimes even simultaneously.

Your last 'vacations' were spent at home for lack of funds but begin to rationalize that a search for a wife overseas would be a good 'investment'.

You begin looking through men's profiles on dating sites to find good material to include in your introduction emails or profiles.

You start calculating signup costs and fees to multiple MOB sites and reduce other aspects of your normal monthly budget.  Maybe even apply for a new credit card.

You start checking your email at odd hours of the night and even before preparing coffee in the morning or reading the newspaper.

You leave your computer online all day long and set the automatic mail check feature for every 5 minutes.

The first thing you do when getting home from work is to check your private email account for responses, without even bothering to pickup or read your snailmail first.

You move your computer to the bedroom.

Pictures you send in email replies are taken by yourself in front of a mirror or scanned from those taken years ago.  

You wash the car for the first time in a year to pose for a picture beside it, or use your neighbors' car, house or pet for the shot.

Your desire for dates with local women gradually fades and disappears entirely.  Even worse you seriously consider dumping your current SO.

A trip to FSU is no longer a fantasy, it becomes a necessity, a must at all costs.

[Albert]

Good one BC!!

I am in a little bit different situation than most of the guys here in that I have another primary reason to go to FSU.  But when I am going to a new city, I always do the WMVM method.  And in preparing for the trip at these times, I see a lot of myself (with notable exceptions) in what you have written!!  :-))

[lawman65]

Oh my God... I'm addicted

[KenC]

I was never addicted to RW in general, just to one RW in particular.  But I can see how it can happen.

KenC

[beefox]

Aloha 'Nearthesea', you are a scary individual !. You have driven me to light a banned cigarette, banned because I have given up. Yes, like most of this online collective of clamouring suitors you had me reaching with fumbling fingers for a cigarette to quell an upsurge of unsettling anxiety !. I ticked a 'few' of the points you mentioned and felt like a mentally deranged 'would be astronaut' sitting atop a trashcan full of homemade explosive with that nervous look of expectation, eyes pressed toward the heavens, hoping to reach the stars. In my defence I hurriedly reprinted every communique from my beau-to-be just to re-affirm that I hadnt lost the plot, that my intuition about this girl is based on 'good science' !. Yes, we men of our age have a failing, if failing it is. It is that for a multiplicity of reasons we have not found that which we seek, namely a woman who encapsulates, as far as is possible, all those best attributes of womanhood and who loves us virtually unconditionally. It nourishes my sense of fairplay that amongst our 'band of brothers' there, (apart from a small minority of cases),is a general respect of the women we are communicating with. We should of course in all our dealings exercise good judgement, streetwise awareness of the pitfalls but retain a sense of goodwill and openess. For the women who are not bent on avarice and personal gain, the 'others', we owe them our ears, to understand their concerns and general treat the difficultys they experience in their lives with consideration and patience. Any woman that lays bare the detail of their lives with such tranparency at least deserves the risks we are prepared to take. Initially at least for us the risks are few. An airfare, some legwork and a few denominations of hard currency. If upon doing the deed you discover you have married an ogress then one would have to question ones own judgement in the 1st place !. You are right in one respect, we are subject to the spiral of our own obsessiveness in this quest. We want things to work out, we want to be happy and we vigorously pour our attention into the matter like a maple farmer at his own breakfast table. I am a newcomer to this and have been subject to the entire range of concerns levelled at me by my friends. I understand their concerns but in my defence I take pains to explain that the end justifys the means. If I find that elusive love of my life then I am done with it. I just have no heart any longer to seek a partner of my own cultural background. I guess I just got bored. Yes, I hold up my hands to some of the points on your list. I am guilty as charged !, but you know what, I'll go to the gallows knowing that I kept my faith in the essential goodness of human nature. That women, like men ,can be denizens of the depths or angels that soar, that maybe, just maybe, there is a woman that discovers that I am her diamond in the dust. Ok, a tad overpoetic perhaps but I cant elaborate because I have to check my mail for the 86th time today to see if 'she' has written to me. You scared me, you amused me, if you were a RW I would marry you tommorrow !!!!!!. Good shot tiger !- best wishes-beefox.

[NDOC]

Addiction?  Maybe or maybe not.  But perhaps something hard-wired into the male mind

Ask yourself these questions

Would you feel a slight tinge of delight somewhere inside you upon viewing the icy glare on your ex-wife's face when she meets your new RW for the first time?  Of course your new wife is a decade younger and looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine, but why would the old ball-and-chain hold that against her?

or

Would you rather see the smirk on you ex-wife's face when she bumps into you and your new dumpy American girl friend?

Would you rather take a picture of yourself standing next to your new sports car, boat, motorcycle, ATV, etc.

or

Would you rather be photographed standing in front of the car you traded in to get your new sports car?

Would you have your photo taken with a trophy buck you dropped, Blue Marlin you landed, or the mountain you just climbed;

or

Would you have your photo taken with the minnows you bought for bait?

Do you still have momentos from your school age sports career?

It's all about ego and competition.  You are either trading up or trading down.  My opinion is that men look for a RW for the ego stroke that comes with her.  That ego is what drives you to marry someone you've known for the shortest of time and how scammers take advantage of you.  Rational we are decidedly not!

[KenC]

NDOC,

You have a rather shallow point of view on all of this.  If the reasons you list, are your motivation for finding a wife in Russia, you are doomed to failure.  "Picking a puppy" rarely works.

KenC

[swindoom]

NDOC,

This post is similar to your others in the fact it seems very materialistic and shallow, from your other thread your wife sounds like a "Stepford wife", being married is about loving someone for who they are and being happy together, not what you own or can buy for them or who you can look down on or upset.

[TigerPaws]

Oh! Come on lets be real about this, having a young, beautiful and sexy bride is one of many reasons for having an RW, seeing and or knowing that your "ex" is unhappy about this is as they say "priceless". I have often said what is wrong with having a trophy wife as long as both are happy with the relationship.

 As for an addiction, I can relate to that, as someone I know once said after his fIrst of several trips to Russia "I will never date another American Bitch". While that may seem overly harsh to some it is all to true if you are honest with yourself, experiences vary but in the circles I travel gold diggers are a dime a dozen. At least in the FSU a man of means can still keep a low profile and present less of a target to the scamers, visa whores and gold diggers.

 For all of the changes in the past dozen years much of the FSU is still a land of oppertunity for finding the lady of your dreams, sure a man has to be careful but the pickins are far better than in the states.

http://albums.photo.epson.com/j/AlbumIndex?u=4109047&a=30634421&f=0 

[NDOC]

First of all, I will give you that I haven't a romantic bone in my body.  If you're one of the guys or gals looking for their true soul mate, their knight in shinning armor, or any other metaphor for completely, hopelessly falling in love with someone you barely know in a foreign land, I respect your point of view, but I'm not going to drink that Kool-Aid with you. 

If you look at any motivational theory, whether it's Herzog's Hierarchy of Needs or anything more recent, people do things because they are physically or psychologically fulfilling some need. 

The girls' needs are easily identified, they are mostly economic based upon the need to survive and provide for their offspring.  A FSU girl is looking for a mate that will be a good provider for her children.  That's a biological need built into all females to ensure the survival of the species.  In this case, foreign men/older men have an advantage here because they usually bring more resources to a marriage than the local men.  Next, it's important for the mate to be healthy so that they can continue to provide that economic and social security.  Women are attracted to healthy (fit, younger, etc.) men because they are more likely to produce healthy children and be able to provide support for those children than older, less fit men.  That's why most women under thirty are not interested in males over 50 or men that are out of shape...their primitive part of their brain is telling them that these men are not as likely to produce healthy children or to be around until the children are on their own.  Third, there is still some prestige in marrying a foreigner.  If nothing else, they are exotic and something interesting to talk about every day.  As a bonus, if the men are buying them nice things and taking them to nice places, it does increase their status.  To sum it up, they like foreign men because they have access to resources and economic opportunity, they satisfy a women's ego (status), and they may have more influence (freedom, career advancement, and equality between the sexes in and out of marriage) in a foreign country than can be provided by staying at home.

Western women are less dependent on males for basic necessities.  They can support their children by themselves.  They are looking to satisfy needs higher up the hierarchy (like self-fulfillment), ego (high status male), and emotional needs (finding someone who share the same interests).  These women are also looking for "trophy" males (more educated, better jobs, etc.) it's just that their criteria is different than ours (males).

Men are also looking for "trophies" for basic biological reasons and for psychological reasons.  Men are attracted to younger, healthy, beautiful women because it increases their chances to pass on their own genetic material to the next generation.  Younger, healthier women are more likely to survive childbirth and have multiple children than older women.  Both males and female are drawn to "attractive" mates because the survival chances of the species increase when each generation hands down its best genetic material to the next generation.  It may be politically incorrect, but species-survival is hard-wired into each of our brains when we look at each other as potential mates.

Men usually do not need the support of a female to survive, and so economic factors are less important in our decision process than physical and emotional needs.  All of us on this forum are passing up older, Western women with great personalities and more resources to try our luck with more attractive foreign women with fewer resources after all.

If all the basic needs are met (related to survival) the needs that are left are emotional and psychological.  Ego and status are not bad things by the way.  It may not be PC but they are important needs for everyone.  A young, attractive mate does increase your status and that does satisfy your ego.

So like it or not, there is a transaction that takes place when we look through the profiles on a website.  You look at what she brings to the table (youth, beauty, education, etc) in her profile and if you like what you may be getting, you write her.  If she likes what you're offering in your profile (age, health, status, education, resources, etc.) in your letter and profile, she responds and you get to know each other.  If you don't like what's offered, you go on to the next profile.

That primitive part of your brain isn't thinking how spiritual that girl is when you look at her picture and her brain isn't caring that you're extra sensitive and like to hug a lot when she's looking at your profile either.  It's not superficial, it's biological and psychological.


 

[Bruno]

Western women are less dependent on males for basic necessities.  They can support their children by themselves. 

First, women don't make children alone... usually, some guy is involved... and about support children, they have the law who help them... guy pay alimentory money for child...

Russian women have some brain... if she marry you only for "money"... soon of later, she will find a man better that you, divorce, fill a DV form... and you will pay all your life for your mistake to have choose a trophy wife...

[swindoom]

NDOC,

You are correct, you do not have a romantic bone in your body, your selection criteria for your the woman you maybe spending the rest of your life with is very superficial. I agree that any initial attraction, whether for a local girl or FSU girls is superficial and shallow but after that you have decide on more substantial criteria which will survive the test of time. Looks fade with time but things like sense of humour or intelligent conversation will always be there. 

I fully appreciate that FSU women look for financially stable, healthy men, it is only natural but it is only one of many driving factors behind their search for a foreign husband. If you think about it we all spend our lives trying to improve our own situation. A marriage without love is empty and meaningless, doomed to failure unless both parties actually want a sham of a marriage.

[NDOC]

First, RWs and Russian girls are being rational.  They are simply looking at their alternatives and making the best choice for themselves and their children.  It is we that are being irrational.  We dislike it when they are rational.  We call them calculating and gold diggers when they make a rational choice even if they may have real economic and security needs.  We are so brain-washed into believing that marriages can't be successful without "true love" where nothing matters but this magical "chemistry" between two people that we forget what relationships are really about.  The truth is they are smarter than we are and they know it.  We would greatly prefer it if they were so blinded by love that our own inadequacies suddenly disappeared.  Sorry, it doesn't work that way.  We have our issues, they have their issues, and we all compromise in the end.  They'll trade a little age and a little fitness for someone who can provide for themselves and their family.  If that wasn't the bargain, they'd be marrying young local lads.  We are willing to trade language and resources to get a younger, prettier girl.  Fair trade all the way around.  If that wasn't the case, we'd be marrying older more established western women.

There are no sham marriages.  Frankly, marriage is a lot of hard work!  Having been married to the same RW for the last nine years, I can tell you that whether you have chemistry or not there are going to be good times and bad times, times when you are really attracted to each other and times that you are going to clash.  I've seen WM/RW marriages come and go and one minute they are madly in love and the next they are headed to divorce court.  You are fooling yourself if you think emotion is going to carry you over the rough spells, because it wont.  Living on love is Hollywood BS.

If you want a successful marriage, then have one...everyone can do it.  You are not going to be madly in love with each other every day, but any two people can make it work by being good to each other.  Understand what her needs are and why she made the decision to leave her country with you and you'll be on the right track.  Give her what she needs, be it recognition, security, status, or whatever else that floats her boat.  If you want to stay married and not just get married, you have to give her a reason to choose you all over again each and every day.

[swindoom]

I think "true love" and "magical chemistry" are very important for a marriage but everyone has a different definition of what these actually mean to them. It is important to find someone who has the same understanding of what these words mean. Hollywoods problem is that they seem to think there is only one type of "true love/magical chemistry" whereas in the real world there are many varied and sometimes unusual types of "true love/magical chemistry".

[Son of Clyde]

I thought this thread might be about RW who are addicted to shopping.

Does this exist?

[BC]

beefox,

Welcome aboard!  I thouroughly enjoyed your post but do hope your smoking comments were in jest.. I otherwise would feel quite guilty as I hope someday to also be able to quit this unhealthy habit.

A little bit of fear crossing the street is quite healthy so hope when you do fall head over heels it's in a nice soft bed and not over a balcony!  I get the feeling you'll do well though as long as you're able to keep your good humour.

NDOC and Tiger do bring up some good points even though they represent the other extreme end of the emotional scale. 

Looking back over my shoulder the chemical/magical experience was and continues to be nice, but reality did settle in over time and more realistic aspects of our relationship had to be evaluated and decided upon.  Moderating is tough though and at times even I was shaking my head thinking 'what in the heck am I getting in to now'...

I guess either you enjoy the chemistry and risk an overdose or do without the chemistry and hope that it forms later down the road.

There are those though that get totally overwhelmed with the chemistry.. real 'RW junkies' that wreak havoc with their own livelihood.

What are the signs of a real hardcore junkie?

[KenC]

NDOC,

Your post is very well written and I agree with all you say when it is applied to what "attracts" the couple initially to each other.  But to stand the test of time, there also has to be a strong emotional bond.  I see it as that there are two seperate but equal necessities to have a successful marriage.  One set of requirements I would call practical or even instinctive and the other would be emotional.  All relationships begin as practical or instinctive as this is what intially attracts the couple to each other.  As you have said, it is at this stage that people trade off one characteristic for another.  It is almost as if one would have a subconcious balance sheet in their head.  This is where the RW trade off age for financial stability and where AM trade off difficulties like imigration hassles and cultural challanges for youth and beauty.  I am with you 100% so far.

It is only after this initial attraction is sorted through, that an emotional relationship can be developed.  This emotional bond must become strong if the marriage is going to be fulfilling and everlasting.  Of course there can be marriages without an emotional bond between the couple, but these are the marriages that are hard work with very little gratification and they usually breakdown over time.  If all you have to offer a RW is financial stability and the more practical provider qualities, you will eventually lose her to a man that can also provide the emotional satisifaction she needs.

At the same time, I don't think you can truly live on love alone.  The practicalities of the relationship will also eventually catch up with you.  Love does not conquer all.

Where I see most troubles arise in RW/AM relationships is that the couple is using two different criteria to judge their relationship without any regard to the other.  For example, the RW intially trades off age and physical attraction for the more practical provider qualities hoping that an emotional bond will be developed later.  While the AM is intially attacted to the RW instinctively by her youth and beauty, this can easily be misread as love.  The result is that we have two people entering into a relationship from opposite ends.  The RW is pratical and pragmatic with hopes of developing an emotional bond, whereas the AM is basing his decisions on his emotions and hopes that the practicality of the relationship works out.  That is one hell of a risk for both sides.

The obvious answer is for the couple to take the time to see how the relationship developes both emotionally and in practicality.  Personally, I wouldn't be married without both.  Marriage is not a destination, but a journey.  It is constantly evolving.  That is why I agree when you wrote:

If you want to stay married and not just get married, you have to give her a reason to choose you all over again each and every day.

But even that is a two way street in an ideal marriage.  She also should be giving you reasons for choosing her.

KenC

[BC]

SOC,

That's not an addiction, it's a fact of life!!! :D

[NDOC]

I can only speak from my own experiences, but our marriage has worked when we are both getting something out of it regardless if we are currently in "romantic love" at the moment or not.  BTW if you think you will always be infatuated with each other you need to know that there are going to be times when you each look at each other in the morning with your bed head, curlers and your bad breath and wonder what the heck you were thinking when you proposed.  The good news is that romantic love gets replaced with something much cooler (in my opinion).

Natalie and I may not be in a romantic phase on any given day, but we always care about each other.  I think because we have a 12 year age gap we have developed almost a father/daughter relationship.  I've watched her grow up from a frightened 23-year old girl to be a really cool, strong, independent person and I have lived those experiences through her along the way.  The best moments have been when she's passed some milestone-passed her driving test, got her teachers permit, got her first report card, etc.  I was and continue to be very proud of all that she has accomplished in our time together.  She knows that I'll always be there to pick her up and dust her off when she fails at something.  It took her eight tries to pass her driving test and after every failure I was there to reassure her she would pass that test some day and get her back into the car to practice once again.

Yep, I'm getting the satisfaction of watching her grow up as well as the ego stroke that comes with being married to the best looking girl in town.  If it all ended today, I still got quite a deal.

[catzenmouse]

Could use some help here. Got a whole bag of RW and no papers.... anyone got any papers? :D:P

Guess you could say that I am addicted but like KenC said earlier mine is very specific.

Ken

[KenC]

Ken,

Are you calling your wife a "bag"?

KenC

[BC]

Yep, I'm getting the satisfaction of watching her grow up as well as the ego stroke that comes with being married to the best looking girl in town.  If it all ended today, I still got quite a deal.

NDOC,

From your last posts I was under the impression that your relationship was ending.

Although I would't consider a 9 year marriage a failure, your more or less business wise approach to a 'Trophy Wife' seems reserved for the few that can afford to write failures (both financial and emotional) off the books and make a quick new deal..  Such is business - losses and gains but always with as little investment as possible.

In my experience, ego laced band-aids only temporarily ease the pain of deeper wounds that have not properly healed.

I'm sure if our marriage failed the emotional toll would be great.  I would eventually dust myself off, heal and move on --  but only in directions the winds naturally take me, not where my ego or ViRWagra force me.

 

 

[catzenmouse]

Ouch KenC!:shock: I see I'll have to watch my language around you...:D:P

Ken

[NDOC]

BC,

Yes, my nine year marriage is coming to an end, but not for the usual reasons.  She has a desire for test tube children from her own body that the doctors say she cannot have.  I much prefer to adopt children.  When we part sometime this spring, we will leave as friends and neither of us feels the relationship was a failure.  It isn't in my heart to deny her something so important to her, but I'm also not willing to play a part in a process that will only lead to more physical and emotional pain to her without the result she desires.... I'm not the co-dependent type.

As for my own future plans, I am not forced to go in any particular direction.  As you can tell from my writing, I am able to put emotional needs aside and as you said take a business approach to the issue.  I simply plan to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try once again.  Since my first marriage to a RW was a success, why wouldn't I once again look in that direction?  With the advantage of some experience in the matter, I should avoid some of the mistakes I made in my first attempt.  But I am under no delusion that I control or direct the process.  As a youth I never imagined the fall of the Soviet Union or that I would travel to and marry a girl from there.  Whatsoever happens will simply happen and you make decisions based on the opportunities that are at hand, the costs, and the likely consequences of that decision, nothing more.

However, something that bothers me is an argument that I hear from the "romantic" camp is the idea that beautiful women must be damaged somehow emotionally or intellectually so that they are unable to form strong lasting relationships, but only form superficial ones.  It's the if she is beautiful she will use you and leave you argument.  I would argue that beauty (whatever you perceive that to be) is an independent variable and not connected with intellect, personality, morality, or any other personality trait and ugly women can and do use men just as willingly, they simply get less opportunities.  People that have blonde hair or have blue eyes are not more or less gifted intellectually, morally, or ethically than any others, for instance.  If life was fair, yes the equation would balance and those that were more attractive would have deficits in other areas, but life doesn't work that way.  People that have more desirable characteristics, be it personality, beauty, intellect, etc are going to get more offers for mates than those with less attractive characteristics.  They may appear more "calculating" or more superficial, but it's only because they have more options relative to others.  A beautiful woman simply gets to criteria others can't because she has more suitors to choose from before and during her marriage.  If an average woman gets to choose between average looking men, who have great personalities and a decent jobs than a beautiful woman with a reasonable personality may get to choose between several men with good looks, great personalities, and good jobs.  The evidence strongly supports this as profiles of beautiful women sell many more addresses than do profiles of less attractive women.  I would suggest that the vast majority of these women (yes, even the strippers, hookers, and professional daters) do eventually find a mate and settle down.  At some point even they get an offer they cannot refuse.

WM looking in the FSU get offers from women that are better than those we could reasonably expect in our own countries.  Our standard of livings and conditions in our nation's of birth are compelling enough to get offers from girls that are both younger and more attractive than ourselves.  As I noted with the girls, life isn't fair-but so long as fortune isn't fair it's better that it be unfair to our advantage.

[swindoom]

I cannot really say whether your relationship is good or bad but from your description from this thread and others it does not seem to be ideal.

You married a very young beautiful woman, who boosted your ego, you seem to enjoy having a trophy wife hanging off your arm just to impress people, you spoilt her by buying her whatever she wanted and your relationship developed into a father/daughter relationship. It does sound like a very co-dependent relationship but not a constructive one. Describe this relationship to anyone, virtually all would question if this is healthy and liable to last. I know it is harsh but if a marriage ends in divorce or a long term relationship finishes it is a failure, for whatever reason and no matter you end up as good friends. I have talked to my wife and her friends many times about children and it is very important to many Russian women and their close relatives. Many of the things you write are correct but obvious to anyone that has actually had long term relationships before. The initial infatuation love only lasts 1 or 2 years tops, after that the real love starts if it exists, also the real hard work begins and if it is real love it will stand the test of time.