"motives" and your thoughts

[rjd400]

I haven't mentioned to most of my friends and family about my recent correspondence with a FSUW.  But I have mentioned it to my closest buddy.

He remarked (in a very subtle way) something that I think many people who hear about this kind of "international" search would make...

"They are using you to get to America".

Naturally, even prior to him saying that, I gave this some thought.  What I came up with...

Early on in any relationship, the attraction and interest in the other person is mainly focused on your own needs and wants.  A guy wants to date a girl because she's hot.  A girl wants to date a guy because he has a good job.  It's only after they get to know each other, really, that I think love and emotional attachment become more drivers of the relationship than these other, seemingly selfish motives.

I mean, even domestically, a girl may like a guy because he's cute, well built, etc.  But when it comes down to the "I do" part, doesn't she look for the same qualities in a guy that a FSUW would?  Stability, security, the ability to support her and her children?  9 times out of 10, even an AW isn't going to marry a guy who is going to move her to poverty, right?

To me, the only difference is that there is one other "motive" that the FSUW may have vs. and AW, and that is of final residence.

What are you thoughts?  I'm sure many of you have had this reaction from friends, family, etc.

[tfcrew]

  They are using you...... 

Can apply to anybody, any time anywhere.
Given enough study, motives can be determined.
Good luck.......................

Karl

 
 

[Shadow]

Perhaps you can enlighten the guy with the stories from the other side.
That her friends and family tell she will be locked in to a room and used as prostitute, used as a slave to cook and clean as no normal man would need to to go Russia to find a wife.

[Gator]

Perhaps you can enlighten the guy with the stories from the other side.
That her friends and family tell she will be locked in to a room and used as prostitute, used as a slave to cook and clean as no normal man would need to to go Russia to find a wife.

Maybe I shouldn't laugh because according to accounts from RW, some AM want exactly that.

rjd400,
Tell your friend that it is a possibility and that is why you will carefully take your time.  Also add that there are many AM (and Europeans) happily married to RW.

[JR]

Early on in any relationship, the attraction and interest in the other person is mainly focused on your own needs and wants.  A guy wants to date a girl because she's hot.  A girl wants to date a guy because he has a good job.  It's only after they get to know each other, really, that I think love and emotional attachment become more drivers of the relationship than these other, seemingly selfish motives.

I mean, even domestically, a girl may like a guy because he's cute, well built, etc.  But when it comes down to the "I do" part, doesn't she look for the same qualities in a guy that a FSUW would?  Stability, security, the ability to support her and her children? 

Spot on!

A woman use you to get to the US? Could and does happen. Does it mean it'll happen to you? Nope.

[Kuna]

Simply... don't be concerned with what others think.

You'll find people who don't understand your decision but it is - YOUR decision.

After you marry you'll find people who are jealous... mainly other women.

After you marry you'll also find some men who are envious...  try not to gloat too much. 

Ultimately, after marriage, it's just a marriage.  Hopefully it'll be a happy and fulfilling marriage, but as things in your life normalise yuo'll just be another couple seeking out common goals.

I think it's important to let inappropriate comments just fly on by, as well as the friendships that are not strong enough to accept your decision.

Good luck!


(Oh,  motives??? Hopefully you'll know the women well enough before marriage to understand her unique and individual motives.  Not all women are the same... not all RW are the same!)

[CallMeSasha]

"They are using you to get to America".

hmmmm, i had a few similar comments from friends & family - i guess they were only watching my back.

5yrs+ of marriage tells me they were wrong, but our ages are very close

however i have browsed (out of curiousity) the sites advertising on here and when i see young ladies in their 20's looking for a guy aged 30-60 i do wonder what would motivate e.g. a beautiful young 23yr old to marry a 60yr old?

[remiel6]

I received mainly support from my family and friends, but of course people ask questions. I wouldn't say they did not support me I would say they were watching my back and didn't want to see me get hurt. It was really only the first time I mentioned it. Once they realized how serious I was they never asked again. I would say that
1. The only people who have to understand and accept your reasons are you and your wife. (I don't have kids so I couldn't even begin to know there)
2. The naivety of some people. Yes America is a wonderful place to live, but don't think for a second that every person on the planet is chomping at the bit to leave everything they've ever known to fly half way around the world to a strange place for a green card. Yes, they do exist, and you need to be aware of that, but by no means is everyone like this.

[GoodOlBoy]

GOB mistook what he thought was his friends and neighbors total support for his happiness, when it in fact it turned out to be their TOTAL unhappiness for my selection of a lifetime mate (Marina).

After my 1st wife passed away (20+ years) and a few brief attempts by my friends and neighbors to "fix me up" with some of their single friends and colleagues (unwanted cows ), I struck out on my own heading down the FSU trail and with the help of the old RWG forum and the Visa Journey forum I am where I am today.

Minus my old friends and neighbors.

Now that I have had almost 2 years to reflect back on my move away from the "old" neighborhood, I can only say that I should have done it sooner (moved).

Whether it was "jealousy", "envy" or some perception of "betrayal" by me to my first wife's memory, people and their attitudes changed all around me and it wasn't for the good!

Believe it or not, I am one of those guys who could give a cr@p less about peoples opinions concerning my decision to marry an FSUW.

I'm not who you would call the "sensitive" type of guy.

But when their cr@p started to affect Marina, it was time to go.

Trust me, people can be VERY cruel with their words and actions towards your future FSU bride.

I NEVER expected this behavior from my "ex-friends" and I really wasn't prepared for it.

My advice to the OP and any NEWBIES:.......Just try to be aware and be prepared (by reading RWD and VJ), for the good and the bad that may lie ahead of you.


GOB

[RussianWind]

I haven't mentioned to most of my friends and family about my recent correspondence with a FSUW.  But I have mentioned it to my closest buddy.

Wait a bit. Your buddy may find himself in the same boat soon (when you get married)

 

[groovlstk]

Believe it or not, I am one of those guys who could give a cr@p less about peoples opinions concerning my decision to marry an FSUW.

I'm not who you would call the "sensitive" type of guy.

But when their cr@p started to affect Marina, it was time to go.

Trust me, people can be VERY cruel with their words and actions towards your future FSU bride.

I NEVER expected this behavior from my "ex-friends" and I really wasn't prepared for it.

My advice to the OP and any NEWBIES:.......Just try to be aware and be prepared (by reading RWD and VJ), for the good and the bad that may lie ahead of you.
GOB

My experience was similar to GOB's - I knew there would be fallout when my wife arrived but I'd wrongly assumed I could shield her. I couldn't, and this added stress and disappointment came at a very delicate time in her adjustment. You'd better be 100% willing to throw everything out the window, if necessary, when she arrives.

The second-rate treatment she may receive goes beyond friends and neighbors, even in the expat Russian communities there are plenty of people who see K1 brides as inferior to those who emigrated here for other reasons.

Also, FWIW, there are plenty of FSU women who do not want to leave their country but will for the right man. I would have relocated to Moscow had their been problems w/my wife's visa.

[ECOCKS]

I agree the Russian community can be a bit standoffish with newcomers who have married Americans.

My wife and I went to our favorite Chinese AYCE buffet a couple of days ago. This time we drove in from the opposite side of the shopping center when she missed her left turn lane access though.

Lo and behold, there was a small store tucked away around the corner of the restaurant named, The Little Russia Store (Cyrillic letters and everything). We went in and found the normal items these little ethnic places get from somewhere and we enjoyed a few minutes browsing the shelves. When the owner heard me mangle a couple of Russian words, she asked if she could help and my wife replied in English that we were just shopping and then asked in Russian where the woman was from.

A second woman joined in the conversation as they traded locations and time in the states info. My wife's 6 months made her junior but they were very inquisitive about my asking questions about the food. When they learned we had been married "over there" and been together for a few years before returning, they changed up considerably. A few smiles and English phrases were thrown my way and my wife decided that it might be fun to come back by there to talk with the owner someday when I was bugging her about getting out and about on her own.

Since the woman owner has been here 18 years and I was all in favor of this and hope it a small safe zone to touch occasionally for those little bouts of homesickness. It will be interesting to see whether this helps or hurts my wife's assimilation but the lady seemed pretty pleasant and her English was topnotch.

[greg2654]

I honestly believe that the vast majority of R/UW are simply looking for a better life and more opportunities for themselves and their kids. To me this is perfectly valid and reasonable. Show me an AW that doesn't do the same.

I didn't tell my buddies until just before I went over because I wanted to be certain in my own mind of what I was doing. Their initial responses went something like "Are you nuts?", "Careful that she doesn't kill you in your sleep", etc... (they're not the most subtle bunch, but they are honest). After they got to know her for a while their attitudes changed and now they like and respect her.

What surprised me though was AW attitude toward my wife. When they first heard of me doing this they were very condescending and pitiful. I was a poor, adorable nincompoop that would soon be laying on the side of the road after my RW chewed me up and spit me out. After they got to know her they didn't like her. When their husbands approved of her they hated her. When she got a job it turned into barely concealed rage.  I love it.

[RussianWind]

Great posts. And so much were said earlier about high tolerance in American society 

[myrddin]

Sure to be a number of questions when people first hear about things, but as said above if you are deeply worried about other people's opinions, choosing this road won't make things any easier.

I didn't spend much time discussing the issue with people speaking from ignorance, basically I told them they either trust my judgment or they don't and continued with my research.  So far I've only had one person who couldn't handle it, which told me a lot about the nature of that "friendship".

rjd400: If your buddy starts considering this pursuit himself after you meet some FSUW, I don't think it'd be the first time that happened.  

[Sculpto]

Though I have yet to get my lady over here I have had mixed responses from my circle.  Lots of warning about scams, especially from the Russians and Ukrainians I know here.  They have been the worst categorically insisting that the ONLY reasons a girl would marry is for the green card.  The AWs I know are also highly suspicious.  I think they are jealous and i certainly hope when the time comes they will gt over it, but, I am not counting on it.  Most of my guy friends are happy for me and several of them, the single ones, are waiting to see how it works out for me and might take the plunge themselves.

[JR]

Great posts. And so much were said earlier about high tolerance in American society 

Tolerance and jealousy are two different things.....

[Faux Pas]

He remarked (in a very subtle way) something that I think many people who hear about this kind of "international" search would make...

"They are using you to get to America".

I think thats the standard response borne of ignorance. That is verbatim the initial reaction of my life long closest  friend and I've heard it several other times. Usually from someone being inquisitive because of the oddity. I think that is what they actually believe because they've heard or read or something. Fortunately, my family has been 100% supportive and insisted on communicating directly with her. They skype regularly

Let those remarks roll like water off a ducks back. People who make such comments have no clue and some in a perverse sort of way are even attempting to be encouraging. The bottom line is this; it doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says but you and her. Everything else is just somebody's useless opinion.

[viking]

In my circle of friends, I have made it known of my intentions to bring my gal over from Belarus. And they, for the most part, are also aware of my trips and experiences over there.  I can see now, from their expressions, questions ( or not) and other things, that some of them may not be my friends much longer. Some have been very supportive, some a bit skeptical ( lets hold judgement) and others, well almost a bit...hmmmm..racist. Gonna be interesting.

[ECOCKS]

I'm a bit surprised that anyone would be racist against the Russians. Although they have a pretty diverse gene pool which leads to some skin tones and bone structures which may seem different enough to qualify, at least for the dim-witted amongst us.

Don't confuse social tolerance with social acceptance. While no one gets away easily with discrimination against others in business or interpersonal violence, nothing requires them to like any particular individual or group at a personal level.

Russian women experiencing jealousy, envy and fear from AW doesn't surprise me in the least. My advice is to follow GOB's example and pick a better circle of friends if this starts to surface.

[Boethius]

The AWs I know are also highly suspicious.  I think they are jealous and i certainly hope when the time comes they will gt over it, but, I am not counting on it. 

I keep reading this (not just by you, 2012), and I think it is misguided.  Women the world over generally want to stay close to "home", close to their family connections, particularly their parents and siblings. 

Most Americans know little of the FSU.  I think it is natural for your AW friends to be suspicious, because they are thinking "Why would a woman give up her country, community and friends for a stranger?"  Because really, no matter how much any of you say you "know" the women you marry, for the most part, you are strangers, without even, in most cases, a common language.  That is the reason for the suspicion.

Unless a woman harboured romantic feelings toward you, there won't be jealousy toward your wife.  The jealousy may by directed at your happiness as a couple, and why she can't find that happiness.

I think most of you believe this is jealousy because it puffs you up, perhaps even makes you feel unique.

I think it is natural for friends not to warm up to a new wife who has just been dropped into their circle.  It has little to do with her foreigness, and more to do with her being someone "new" that they haven't become accustomed to.  Then, when you lock your horns, so to speak, as is natural because you love your wife and want to protect her, you lose that opportunity for inclusiveness.

[Boethius]

My advice is to follow GOB's example and pick a better circle of friends if this starts to surface.

Not necessarily a "better" circle.  Just a different one.

I would hazard a guess GOB's problem was not so much that his wife was Russian, but that she was his wife.  They had a hard time accepting he had moved on with his life.  However, he was right to drop the friends if it affected his wife's happiness.

[ECOCKS]

Not necessarily a "better" circle.  Just a different one.

I would hazard a guess GOB's problem was not so much that his wife was Russian, but that she was his wife.  They had a hard time accepting he had moved on with his life.  However, he was right to drop the friends if it affected his wife's happiness.

If they reacted as being discussed, any group you move to is going to be a "better" one.

[Sculpto]

I keep reading this (not just by you, 2012), and I think it is misguided.  Women the world over generally want to stay close to "home", close to their family connections, particularly their parents and siblings. 

Most Americans know little of the FSU.  I think it is natural for your AW friends to be suspicious, because they are thinking "Why would a woman give up her country, community and friends for a stranger?"  Because really, no matter how much any of you say you "know" the women you marry, for the most part, you are strangers, without even, in most cases, a common language.  That is the reason for the suspicion.

Unless a woman harboured romantic feelings toward you, there won't be jealousy toward your wife.  The jealousy may by directed at your happiness as a couple, and why she can't find that happiness.

I think most of you believe this is jealousy because it puffs you up, perhaps even makes you feel unique.

I think it is natural for friends not to warm up to a new wife who has just been dropped into their circle.  It has little to do with her foreigness, and more to do with her being someone "new" that they haven't become accustomed to.  Then, when you lock your horns, so to speak, as is natural because you love your wife and want to protect her, you lose that opportunity for inclusiveness.

I dont know really.  What i do know is my male friends have a mixed reaction from outright doubt to full support, but, ladies are 99.9% against it.  So, whatever the basis and reality is doesnt really matter.. it exists.

[Misha]

I dont know really.  What i do know is my male friends have a mixed reaction from outright doubt to full support, but, ladies are 99.9% against it.  So, whatever the basis and reality is doesnt really matter.. it exists.

Perhaps the women are more likely to imagine their lives if they were to marry a foreigner, move to a new country, have to learn a new language and effectively start from scratch  As Boethius points out, I am certain that "99.9%" of American women would not fathom such a thing, so they of course use their point of view to assume that the only reason a woman would leave would be for ulterior motives as Boethius does point out. We are all egocentric and judge the actions of others based on how we would feel and act under similar circumstances.