Two Questions

[spectris]

Hi I'm obviously new here and have been lurking around for a couple of weeks and there seems to be a lot of opinions here, so I want to ask a couple of questions (then I'll post some background if anyone cares to read it, but I would like an opion or two on these 2 things if possible).  Plus I need to post to join the club right?

1.  About the dreaded "scammers".  Since I want to meet a RW/UW in her 30's that has a child or children (between 10-15 yrs old), I would think this would not be included in a typical profile for a "scammer".  Certainly I realize this is just one of many things to be wary of, but I'm still curious since I've not seen it commented on here.  I would think the vast majority of these "scammer" people would not expect being single moms of teenage children would be the best tactic?  Opinions?

2.  As difficult as it must be for a RW to move here by hereself, I just can't imagine what it would be like to move with a pre-teen or teenage child or two - particularly the language issue for the children.  Anyone have a successful exaample or at least an opion about this?

OK thanks, if anyone is interested and it puts any perspective on this, I'm a 54 year old divorced, single father with a 14 year old daughter. 

[Sculpto]

Spectris,

Welcome to the forum.

Scammers.. they come in all shapes and sizes.  However, they represent a very small percentage of the overall number of ladies seeking foreign marriages.  Just use common sense and don't try to date very far out of your league and you should be fine.  Mostly, the internet scammers are pretty obvious.. just don't send money or fall in love with photos and you are fine.. whats harder to know is the GCG and I do not think there is any single thing you can do except take your time and really get to know the lady. 

To your second question.. I think there are a number of members who have successfully done what you wish to do.  Gator sure comes to mind as a shining example. 

[Vaughn]

Welcome to RWD, spectris!

1) IMHO, the chances of latching onto a scam artist who's in her 30s with a child are far smaller
than with a childless woman 10 years younger. Still, that's no reason to let down your guard or
to rush an engagement - but yes, I agree with your belief that you're paddling in safer waters.

2) Gonna roll back the clock seven years on this one - I was 52, my wife was 39 and her daughter
was almost 13 when we touched down at JFK together. Neither of them spoke much English, and
exiting their country, city, and extended family required a great leap of faith. Our daughter was
quickly enrolled in school, 8th grade mid-year, and was chattering in fairly good English in a
matter of weeks, thanks to a great ESL program integrated with regular courses. In speaking with
my wife's Russian supervisor years later, I told her how the presence of our daughter "softened
the blow" of any transitional difficulties my wife may have encountered. This was our experience.

If you are open to possibly marrying a lady with a child - consider your own suitability for raising
that other child as your own. Legal adoption or not - you'll be that child's father in every sense
of the word. Also consider your own daughter's suitability to taking on a sudden sibling. Mixing
kids was a huge challenge for us - and I credit my wife with excellent parenting skills, fully
knowing when her input is appropriate, and when it's proper to let Dad assume center stage.
In short, we worked very well in concert - and our fortune has enabled us to enjoy a
blissful marriage.

[ScottinCrimea]

From my experience, the teenagers seem to adapt to the language and culture much more quickly than the adults.

Any particular reason you are not considering women in their 40's?

[Gator]

Spectris, Welcome!

1.  Since I want to meet a RW/UW in her 30's that has a child or children (between 10-15 yrs old), I would think this would not be included in a typical profile for a "scammer".

 

You would think that; however, the poster child for scammed men is Maxx.  Six years later he still seems to be suffering psychologically, albeit not as bad as the first couple of years.  Why do I say that?  His wife was in her 30s with a child. 

Rather than searching the archives for his story and developing a bad case of paranoia, I suggest that you proceed slowly and carefully.  In other words, know your woman! 

2.  As difficult as it must be for a RW to move here by hereself, I just can't imagine what it would be like to move with a preteen or teenage child or two - particularly the language issue for the children.  Anyone have a successful example or at least an opion about this?

I have married a RW with two preteen children.  At their pace, I guess it will take two years for them to have the command of vocabulary and grammar equivalent to American kids of the same age.  Nevertheless, within six months they spoke English without an accent (both have a good musical ear and are not so good in math). 

It is important that the RW mother know some English to help with this.  Speaking 90% English at meals and family gatherings is valuable, yet impossible if mama does not know English.

You should plan on spending at least 1 hour per night per child with homework.  And let them watch American TV.  I hope you have patience.

OK thanks, if anyone is interested and it puts any perspective on this, I'm a 54 year old divorced, single father with a 14 year old daughter. 

It seems that you are trying to match a child with your child.  Good idea.  While a single RW mama is hoping to find a good stepfather for her child, many are not as keen about taking on responsibility for another child.  Many would welcome it, however, and in fact would want a common child.  Discuss this issue well before you meet a RW.

[spectris]

OK, well quick response - thanks.  FYI I'm not paranoid, I am trying to match up a child/children to my daughter's age and I'm searching the "30's" since that would seem to be the appropriate age for RW/UW to have children of this age.  Plus I was married qutie awhile to a woman 15 years younger than me so most of my expereince (and friends) are with 30-somethings.  Not opposed to anyone older - just doesn't appear to be the norm for the profiles I've looked at.

BTW, the reason I'm contemplating even doing this is despite the fact there are almost an unlimited amount of AW with this profile, I've expereinced a significant problem in my quest here at home.  I mean despite how you try to keep your distance from her children, eventually you will meet them and they are usually starved for a father figure and its pretty much an instant bond (much easier for me to bond with children than the moms usually lol and all) and then if/when things don't work with the woman its REALLY hard to "break up" with the child - can't quite figure out how to do this in fact, it just beats me down.  My hope is that the distance w/ a RW will kind of naturally put a barrier up so that the children are not involved until the relationship develops into something serious.  Guess I'll go set up a couple of profiles now and see what happens.  Wish me luck?

[Sculpto]

Where are you going to make your profiles?

LUCK!  (god luck that is)

[Shadow]

Welcome spectris.

The main trick to avoid scammers is to be active. If you go out and contact the women that you have interest in after reading the profile, chances are much lower of being scammed than if you wait for women to contact you.
Start writing with an umber of women so you will see different levels of itnerest and communication. After that its a matter of figuring out who you have a  real connection with.

[docetae]

Hi I'm obviously new here and have been lurking around for a couple of weeks and there seems to be a lot of opinions here, so I want to ask a couple of questions (then I'll post some background if anyone cares to read it, but I would like an opion or two on these 2 things if possible).  Plus I need to post to join the club right?

1.  About the dreaded "scammers".  Since I want to meet a RW/UW in her 30's that has a child or children (between 10-15 yrs old), I would think this would not be included in a typical profile for a "scammer".  Certainly I realize this is just one of many things to be wary of, but I'm still curious since I've not seen it commented on here.  I would think the vast majority of these "scammer" people would not expect being single moms of teenage children would be the best tactic?  Opinions?

2.  As difficult as it must be for a RW to move here by hereself, I just can't imagine what it would be like to move with a pre-teen or teenage child or two - particularly the language issue for the children.  Anyone have a successful exaample or at least an opion about this?

OK thanks, if anyone is interested and it puts any perspective on this, I'm a 54 year old divorced, single father with a 14 year old daughter. 

Hello, the son of my wife is 13 years old. Not yet here (waiting for visa...) but we did a lot of things to make the transition more easy:
- Plan with him/her his bedroom , including color/paints/furniture etc. Ikea website is a good reference (for her/his mother too...)
- Make sure he will continue activities that he is doing (ex Aikido in our case)
- About language, they learn extremely fast, this is not an issue and can be even a motivation for parents
- Be sure to spend quality time with him/her. 

[Mars]

BTW, the reason I'm contemplating even doing this is despite the fact there are almost an unlimited amount of AW with this profile, I've expereinced a significant problem in my quest here at home.  I mean despite how you try to keep your distance from her children, eventually you will meet them and they are usually starved for a father figure and its pretty much an instant bond (much easier for me to bond with children than the moms usually lol and all) and then if/when things don't work with the woman its REALLY hard to "break up" with the child - can't quite figure out how to do this in fact, it just beats me down.  My hope is that the distance w/ a RW will kind of naturally put a barrier up so that the children are not involved until the relationship develops into something serious.  Guess I'll go set up a couple of profiles now and see what happens.  Wish me luck?

This has got to be one of the strangest reasons I have ever heard for an excuse to to the FSUW route!!

[JR]

Welcome to the forum!

There will be fewer scammers within the circle you are searching in. There may be a few more pro-daters but that is more difficult to know. That usaully won't be clear until you meet. If she wants to go shopping directly from the airport switch to plan-B instead.

[tfcrew]

This has got to be one of the strangest reasons I have ever heard for an excuse to to the FSUW route!!

I absolutely agree.
 

I am trying to match up a child/children to my daughter's age

??
 The guy marries the woman...not the family.
If a child accompanies their mother better make sure about this child.
We have a FSU friend here and her child turned into a total disaster for everyone involved. [Drugs..stealing to get drugs...not working..running around at all hours..and remaining dependent for room & board]

[ScottinCrimea]

The same issue that is coming up has crossed my mind as well. From what the OP writes, he is searching for a companion for his daughter and the qualities of the woman are secondary with the exception of her abilities as a mother.  Assuming that the daughters actually get along well and don't compete with and resent each other as would be typical of 14 year old girls thrown together, what happens when the girls grow up in a fews years and he and his wife are left alone without the girls to focus on?

Whlle I applaud his devotion to his daughter, perhaps he would be better off to concentrate on raising his daughter and only then seek out a companion with whom the compatibilities are based on their own needs and not those of their daughters.

[spectris]

Or "perhaps" not?  I'm not looking for a "companion" for my child per se, HOWEVER I am a single parent of a 14 year old girl and whoever I end up with will impact her in a significant way - there is no escaping that.  If I had the luxury of simply choosing a mate without considering my daughter this would be pretty easy - it's not as if there is a shortage of single women in the United States.
 
I wasn't really asking for advice on whether my selection criteria was a good idea - I already know that it is.  It's just a given that the only way to make this work is to find a SO that has a child or children of approximately her age.  Since I won't /can't have more children, the woman I end up with have to bond with my child and vice versa or the relationship is doomed before it has a chance. 

My experience with teenage children is they not only toletrate, but crave children their own age in the house.  I'm speaking of "non-nuclear" families only here where the children have different parents - there probably is a lot of sibling rivalry in traditional households, but that has not been my experience with my daughter or my two older sons.  And in any circumstance, and in any country, the guy DOES marry her family (children) so I completely agree that you should proceed with caution. 

This is all off-topic anyway - I appreciate the kind words and encouragement that my potential quest does have at least a possibility of working.  Sounds like some of you guys have overcome some big odds and are making your relationships work. 

[Faux Pas]

spectris

You know, it is all well and good that you are keeping the interest of your 14 year old daughter close in the decision making process. I can applaud that but quite honestly, looking for a lady with a teenage child does come off sounding a bit creepy. It does sound like you are looking for a playmate for your daughter or worse case scenario, for you. I am not stating this is the case but it is always a possibility.

In 4 years your daughter will likely be off to college or if not looking to get out of your house. This is what kids do. This international dating process can take those 4 years or longer to complete.  I suggest you seek to find a woman who fits you on a emotional, spiritual  and physical level. Look for the lady that you connect with and those with teenage children only serve to broaden your possibilities.

You can find her. I sense your heart in the right place but, you should keep you heart open for the right lady as opposed to the one who's photo will easily fit into those already hanging on your wall. JMO

[Gator]

I suggest you seek to find a woman who fits you on a emotional, spiritual  and physical level.

The "mind, body and soul" theory, which is the best theory.  I would hope that spectris do this anyway.

In 4 years your daughter will likely be off to college or if not looking to get out of your house. This is what kids do. This international dating process can take those 4 years or longer to complete. 

FP makes a good point.  Doesn't your daughter already have close friends your age?  Your daughter will probably rather be with her current friends than with a stranger not speaking English well, unless you forced her, and that would be a disaster.  I know of several cases strife among children of mixed families even though the man and woman are in love.

Use this time to enhance your already good relationship with your daughter.  Considering divorce statistics, odds are your daughter will still be around when others are gone.

I don't know if you have full custody of your daughter or the story behind why her mother is no longer with you.  Teenagers are a strange breed and inserting any but the best RW stepsister could be a disaster.

I suggest date for a couple of years, maybe RW with younger daughters.  RW would see you as man who has already raised a daughter and would have much wisdom and attention to give as a stepfather, something RW do not expect from RM.   Your daughter could then visit from university as an older parttime sister.

[Misha]

It's just a given that the only way to make this work is to find a SO that has a child or children of approximately her age.  Since I won't /can't have more children, the woman I end up with have to bond with my child and vice versa or the relationship is doomed before it has a chance.

Why not older or younger children? 

My experience with teenage children is they not only toletrate, but crave children their own age in the house.

Even when a child has siblings, they won't be the same age (unless they have a twin). They will have brothers or sisters who are older or younger, and this brings us back to my first comment. 

[Boethius]

Hello Spectris.   I have children who are very close in age (14 months between the first two), and there is no sibling rivalry.  Lots of arguing, but it is not rivalry.

I think it is a bad idea to pursue a wife at all, either American or Russian, while you are raising a child as a single father.  I assume you have custody?  Your daughter needs all of your attention.  Have you asked her how she would feel about a new mother and sibling?  So often, adults make decisions, such as divorcing, and remarrying, and just expect kids to adjust.  Then, when the kids act out, it is their problem, rather than that of the adults who put them in that situation in the first place.

I agree with Faux Pas - your daughter will likely be out on her own, or at least an adult, in four years.  I suggest you wait until then to pursue this.  Focus your attention on your daughter.  Be the best father you can be to her.  Four years is a drop in the bucket.  Then, you can pursue who you wish without divided loyalties.

[spectris]

OK, OK - not sure how this turned into the SingleFatherDiscussion Board but no problem.  I think I got it, just be sure and drag out my RW romance long enough for my daughter to graduate High School!  JK, LOL and

Seriously, I appreciate the original answers to my questions - I'll post in another place from now on, well that is if I ever have something to contribute.  And I promise no more talk of my daughter - all is well here in TX!

[ScottinCrimea]

Another classic case of someone not getting the answers he wanted so choosing to move on in his search for the appropriate cheering section.