Married and Divorced in 6 Years

[Misha]

What amazes me is that she was in her child rearing stage as well , and did not feel the need for a functioning, nuclear family. 

Bostoniandixie's wife had her mother. For some women that trumps a husband. I infer that he in effect became the third wheel and thus highly expendable.

[Daveman]

Bostonianindixie (where in dixie are you? there are a few of us in the Southern Comfort zone.  )

Back to your original question... nope, you're not nuts... just be sure you a emotionally ready for a new reationship (suggestion numero uno... heal thyself before trying to build another relationship.. clear your head and heal your heart first..)

Second suggestion.. get a membership to Elena's models and start writing/talking/etc.  Another great place that others are beginning to find very useful is singles.ru (a russian dating site, but there are some who have had very good luck with this one and it's free).  Do some searches on Skype, ICQ, etc by city/country and many ladies will pop up on the screen.  Not all will be interested in chatting with a foreigner in English, but many will.. so have a blast...

BTW, regardless of what happened in the past, don't let yourself feel like a lokh.  Perhaps you missed some warning signs, or red flags in the early stages, but that's all water under the bridge at this point.  IMO, you did exactly what you should have done in taking care of the woman you loved, married, and created a family with.  You brought her here and took care of her in every way, even setting her up to have the fulfilling career of her dreams.  You absolutely did the right thing.  There are others who'll disagree with that (one particular son of a suka comes to mind). 

Soooooooo, take your time, jump back on the horse and this time around I hope you find the woman of your dreams.
 

[Gator]

Bostoniandixie's wife had her mother. For some women that trumps a husband. I infer that he in effect became the third wheel and thus highly expendable.

Excellent point.  I never thought of that.

BostonDixie,
Being raised by his mother and grandmother, your son really needs a father's influence.   It sounds like you are doing your best to provide that.

[I/O]

I infer that he in effect became the third wheel and thus highly expendable.

I made the same point up thread and still think likewise.

Its not cos they are modern,but cos they selfish and immoral.

My point wasn't that it is a result of being modern, it is simply part of many modern women. Perhaps a coincidence of the times.

[remiel6]

Whatever the causes of the failure of the relationship I think when you are ready to try again it is important to do so. Be mindful of falling into the thinking that "Why should I try because out of the blue five years from now she is going to leave." It is a natural feeling to have and if you feel this way then you should take some time. I've never been divorced so I can't really say the best way to cope with it other than a lot of the posters here give some extremely valuable advice and are very knowledgeable about the subject. I wish you the best of luck in your search and if there's any questions you have, the posters are here to help you out.

[SMS60]

Bostoniandixie's wife had her mother. For some women that trumps a husband. I infer that he in effect became the third wheel and thus highly expendable.

This is a very important point for men who are dating women with children and very close family members. Keep your eyes open.

Children and other family members are very important in most peoples lifes. But how you interact with them is also important. Children are always first in a womens life. But when you find a women who can put her "better half" at the same level as the children you have a very good women with a level head. She knows her relationship is important and makes it known without neglecting her family.

Im sure there are AM who have dated single AW mothers who have experienced all the excuses of why something could not be done because of "my kids". Everything revolves around "her and her "family"

I like the profiles I used to see on Match.com. They would say in a way... "my kids come first so deal with it"  Run,run,run. You will be just a bag of bones to a women like this. These women have issues and a ton of excuses.

[groovlstk]

Children are always first in a womens life. But when you find a women who can put her "better half" at the same level as the children you have a very good women with a level head. She knows her relationship is important and makes it known without neglecting her family.

These statements seem contradictory. If children are "always first" then it follows that everyone else (including the husband) starts at #2.

I didn't marry a woman w/children but when I dated such women I never in a million years expected to rise to the level of her children. I think it's a little bit arrogant to expect otherwise.

I'd agree that a woman who allows undue influence from other relatives like mom or dad is someone to avoid. But I also believe in the wake of a breakup that too many guys reach for the mom-in-law card and blame their wives' discontent on outside influences because it's much easier to avoid owning up to their own shortcomings.

[Mars]

I have never seen, as a group, a more "status" oriented group than Russians/Ukrainians.  That status thing (including status symbols -- cars, house, as well as husbands) is something they crave like little kids on a playground wanting to have the best toys.  Dave 

I second this observation.  In my profile and correspondence, I gave the prospective ladies a summary of my education and employment.  My employment track record included various titles and ranks.  One lady suggested to me that I go back to an earlier job because the title that went with that job 'sounded more important to her.'

A few others suggested I trade my car for another car that they thought was more prestigious, despite the fact that my car was actually much higher quality than those which they suggested.

Several looked at the labels in my shirts, jackets, etc.

It was all quite hilarious to me and reminded me somewhat of high school behavior.

[Mars]

Bostoniandixie's wife had her mother. For some women that trumps a husband. I infer that he in effect became the third wheel and thus highly expendable.

A grown daughter living in USA also probably trumps the husband.  Maybe ScottInCrimea can add some to that idea.

Right now I am in correspondence with a lady that I wasn't able to meet on my last trip to her country.  We have been corresponding for about 5 months and I was trying to fit her into my next upcoming trip.  In her last message to me she revealed, for the first time, that she has a daughter living in the USA and she will be trying to get a visa to come here to visit her in the next couple of months.

While somewhat appealing that I might be able to spend some time with her here, I am now greatly concerned that her actual interest in me is to achieve a permanent way to stay in the USA - - - to be with her daughter.  I am particularly concerned because she has just now gotten around to telling me about her daughter being here.  Almost like she knew it was a potential red flag, but now almost has to tell me because she might be arriving soon.

I am trying not to be paranoid about this, but I happen to know another man who married a RW who had a daughter living here.  Dau married to AM and two children now.  My friend now realizes he is just viewed as a cash cow in this relationship.  His RW makes several trips a year to visit with the dau and grandchildren in another city in USA, and several trips a year to go back to Russia to be with other family members.  Very little time spent with her AM husband who finances all of this and almost no 'marital relations.'

[Faux Pas]

Right now I am in correspondence with a lady that I wasn't able to meet on my last trip to her country.  We have been corresponding for about 5 months and I was trying to fit her into my next upcoming trip.  In her last message to me she revealed, for the first time, that she has a daughter living in the USA and she will be trying to get a visa to come here to visit her in the next couple of months.

Mars,

I'd call that a caution flag but not of the red variety. It is going to ride on the type of person she actually is. You won't know this until you get to know her. Stop with the overt paranoia. You have been introduced regardless of your filters and have a chance to get to know her on your own turf. A definite plus IMO. Approach her as you would have in her country and see where it goes.

[groovlstk]

While somewhat appealing that I might be able to spend some time with her here, I am now greatly concerned that her actual interest in me is to achieve a permanent way to stay in the USA - - - to be with her daughter.

I'd agree that this is something to be concerned about, but how long has her daughter been in the US? Is she a US citizen? She may not even know this, but if she wanted to be close to her daughter it's a lot easier for her daughter to file a petition on her mom's behalf. It may take time and $, but it's a pretty certain bet.

[Mars]

Mars,

I'd call that a caution flag but not of the red variety. It is going to ride on the type of person she actually is. You won't know this until you get to know her. Stop with the overt paranoia. You have been introduced regardless of your filters and have a chance to get to know her on your own turf. A definite plus IMO. Approach her as you would have in her country and see where it goes.

A little clarification here.  First, she is not at the top of my list by any means.  Second, I have to choose between spending time with her and other ladies during my upcoming trip to FSU.  Third, even if and when she is in USA, I don't have unlimited time to fly around the country on questionable pursuits.

[Faux Pas]

A little clarification here.  First, she is not at the top of my list by any means.  Second, I have to choose between spending time with her and other ladies during my upcoming trip to FSU.  Third, even if and when she is in USA, I don't have unlimited time to fly around the country on questionable pursuits.

In that case a few questions come to mind: 1) you've communicated for 5 months and she is not at the top of your list "by any means"? Why the long communication? 2) If she is a questionable pursuit, why pursue her at all? Was/is there anything that you find attractive about this lady? 3) Why communicate with her at all if she is not worth flying across the country for when you are clearly flying across the ocean to meet others?

This last statement is very conflicting.

[Misha]

But I also believe in the wake of a breakup that too many guys reach for the mom-in-law card and blame their wives' discontent on outside influences because it's much easier to avoid owning up to their own shortcomings.

Maybe, but it certainly does not help. The problem is that IMHO a strong relationship required time spent together and emotional intimacy (not solely physical intimacy). From what I have seen, if the MIL lives with the couple, the wife will spend more time with her than her husband and will go to her mother to share what other wives would be sharing with their husbands. Sure, there may have been problems in the marriage before the arrival of the MIL, but these problems will never be solved in the wife is spending inordinate amounts of time with her mother as opposed to her husband. At some point, it is the husband that becomes the one intruding on the wife's primary relationship (with her mother and father) and as I/O did state, at this stage the marriage is pretty much doomed from my point of view. There is a reason why the interference of in-laws is listed as one of the top five causes of divorce in Russia  

[Mars]

In that case a few questions come to mind: 1) you've communicated for 5 months and she is not at the top of your list "by any means"? Why the long communication? 2) If she is a questionable pursuit, why pursue her at all? Was/is there anything that you find attractive about this lady? 3) Why communicate with her at all if she is not worth flying across the country for when you are clearly flying across the ocean to meet others?

This last statement is very conflicting.

FP you are trying to hard to be a lawyer here and pin down every word. :-))  Anyway, this is not my thread, so lets don't pursue my situation.  I only threw in my 2 cents to begin with as a follow on to what OP and others were saying.

[Faux Pas]

FP you are trying to hard to be a lawyer here and pin down every word. :-))  Anyway, this is not my thread, so lets don't pursue my situation.  I only threw in my 2 cents to begin with as a follow on to what OP and others were saying.

I don't even like most lawyers. You seem to be a good candidate as one yourself with the obvious deflection. Your statement concerning this lady is very conflicting. If you don't wish to expand then don't. 

[bostonianindixie]

Hello Everyone:

I am truly grateful to being in the company of such a wonderful group. I am so pleased with the response to my posting and helped me think the ordeal through.
I have forgiven my former wife and her mother for what they both did to me and my son.
I am a " God Fearing Gentleman" and have moved on and recovered some time ago.
I, Like other men in this society (either an American or Foreign Wife), have suffered through this thing called Divorce.
I luckily keep up on visitations and connections with my son, who lives with his mother in Bean Town.

I live near Greensboro and Winston in the Great State of North Carolina (an hour from Charlotte).
I originally moved to Hilton head, but moved for business reasons and still own this residence.

My advice on individuals who wish to be successful is to do this:

She should have a good relationship with her family, but not too close to her Mother. I had warning signs, but my love blurred my logical vision and only saw it when my fiancee arrived in Boston. She cried for her Mother frequently and how she missed the Ukraine (missing her home land was culture shock).
I know about this, as I  lived in several non english speaking countries while in the US Army. On my first enlistment I completed a three year tour in West Germany.

You should pay attention to conversations and her reactions to them? Pay attention to her attention to you , closeness and physical relationship. I would treat discussions, as if you were interviewing an employee?
I would see the types of friends she has and the behavior of herself with them.

Contact a Detective Agency having an office in her country and have them investigate her background. I suppose that a Polygraph Examination by a seasoned Polygraph
Examiner would be able to elicit good information about her. I would have him ascertain information about her Charecter, Values and Thoughts of the prospective fiancee.  
YES, Polygraph Instruments do work well when done by a well trained and experienced Examiner in her language.
The only exception will be tests on examinee's who are not Psychological fit - Psycho Paths or Socio Paths. The examiner will figure this out with initial contact and questioning
prior to the test given.

Remember: The main focus of a mate is that of Family, Devotion and you.

I appreciate your Comments.

[Blues Fairy]

Contact a Detective Agency having an office in her country and have them investigate her background. I suppose that a Polygraph Examination by a seasoned Polygraph Examiner would be able to elicit good information about her.

Are you serious?!  If anyone subjected me to such an investigation, let alone asked me to take a Polygraph test, I would send him packing that very instant.  You are not shopping for a horse; there are more subtle ways to do your due diligence without injuring anyone's pride. 

[Boethius]

Stepan, why are you living so far from your child?

[Mir]

Contact a Detective Agency having an office in her country and have them investigate her background. I suppose that a Polygraph Examination by a seasoned Polygraph
Examiner would be able to elicit good information about her. I would have him ascertain information about her Charecter, Values and Thoughts of the prospective fiancee. 
YES, Polygraph Instruments do work well when done by a well trained and experienced Examiner in her language.
The only exception will be tests on examinee's who are not Psychological fit - Psycho Paths or Socio Paths. The examiner will figure this out with initial contact and questioning
prior to the test given.

That is so funny 

[boaterguy]

That is so funny 

I hope it was an attempt to be funny...alias a joke!

[dobradavid]

I second this observation.  In my profile and correspondence, I gave the prospective ladies a summary of my education and employment.  My employment track record included various titles and ranks.  One lady suggested to me that I go back to an earlier job because the title that went with that job 'sounded more important to her.'

A few others suggested I trade my car for another car that they thought was more prestigious, despite the fact that my car was actually much higher quality than those which they suggested. Several looked at the labels in my shirts, jackets, etc.

I third this observation. When I married, my spouse was at pains to point our to her circle that my rank was equal to a higher rank in the Ukrainian/Russian army. I remember thinking that it was a moot point -since I was retirely shortly. 

[Dave13]

Polygraph Examination, I do hope that was a joke!  ???

[SANDRO43]

YES, Polygraph Instruments do work well when done by a well trained and experienced Examiner in her language.

How about adding a squirt of Sodium Pentothal, while you're at it ? KGB/CIA say it's much more reliable than any polygraph .

But if you're more traditionally minded, this could be your instrument of choice:

[groovlstk]

I would treat discussions, as if you were interviewing an employee?

I'm repeatedly flummoxed by some of the courtship strategies I see in this forum. If you want to hire a wife, put together a nice benefits package, decent salary, and post an ad on Craigslist.

As for FSU women being more status conscious and wanting to keep up with the Joneses... Yes, it's pretty accurate in general, but that doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to a life with a pretty girl who wants you to run on a treadmill all day to improve her living standard. This behavior isn't going to disappear when she leaves her country so do the smart thing and look elsewhere.