OK, you won, but at what cost?

[ECOCKS]

It continually amazes me how many men underestimate the costs of this undertaking.

Other than those "upfront" costs of a couple of agency memberships, terps, email fees, internet phone bills, travel, hotels, meals and such, how much do you continue to pay AFTER the marriage to those left behind or otherwise needing assistance with housing, medicine, travel, education, etc? Not the ones living in your own home and not counting those who are investing in a second home over there somewhere.

[remiel6]

Thank you for posting this question. I think this is a subject people need to think about and am very curious to see the results.

[KenC]

Ed,
I assume that you mean how much money was sent back to support family members back in the fsu?

We never had to support Lena's family financially.  Of course there were gifts and plane tickets and such, but never were we needed for daily living expenses.  If my assumption is incorrect, let me know and I will change my vote of "0."
KenC

[groovlstk]

I voted zero too, but who knows what can change in the next decades as the extended family ages.

Ed, you might want to include those pesky USCIS fees for Adjusting Status, work and travel authorization cards, etc. Those fees are pretty steep and couples get hit with them within months of their new life together.

[kievstar]

I put over 1,000 usd per month.  But it is for flying family member to the usa several times a year and also for vacations (I like big family gatherings).  My choice no one asked me to do this but people in Ukraine do not make much money.  I have to say it numerous times for people to accept however and sometimes just buy the tickets and say I will throw it in the garbage if they do not accept.

[ECOCKS]

Ed,
I assume that you mean how much money was sent back to support family members back in the FSU?

We never had to support Lena's family financially.  Of course there were gifts and plane tickets and such, but never were we needed for daily living expenses.  If my assumption is incorrect, let me know and I will change my vote of "0."
KenC

The problem with saying gifts is that, for some of us, a gift is just a gift - honest, heartfelt and given willingly out of a sense of appreciation and love. However, some on here tell a story of being obligated to "gift" mama and papa, babushka, pay medical bills, subsidize rent, supplement groceries and the like.

I guess if you feel it is an honest "gift", given in the same frame of mind you would send you brother a gift at Christmas or birthday, then adjust accordingly. If you are being ordered to give certain amounts, especially when they unreasonably affect you standard of living at home, then I would suggest you leave it as is. Your call.

[Shadow]

Is there a minus option in the poll ?

[GQBlues]

Zero 'support' from us. In very rare occassions would we ever send money for assistance. Very rare. 'Gifts' for special occassions I don't consider as an expense.

BUT -

Vacations (to stay with us) are a whole different enchilada altogether.

[KenC]

Ed,
Thanks for the clarification.  My vote is still zero then.  While our gifts of travel and vacations together were generous, my in laws were generous too.  While I never "kept score", I am sure I gave more than we got but my former MIL also bought us a SS side by side fridge as a house warming gift too.  I was shocked as I thought she came to just help us with our move into our new home.

I was always proud that we got my MIL her first washing machine way back when.  Maybe our situation was different than most as it wasn't that my in laws could not afford things as much as they never realized the availability or usefulness of many things.  Every time they visited us here, they returned with a new home improvement idea for their flat.
KenC

[ECOCKS]

Ed,
Thanks for the clarification.  My vote is still zero then.  While our gifts of travel and vacations together were generous, my in laws were generous too.  While I never "kept score", I am sure I gave more than we got but my former MIL also bought us a SS side by side fridge as a house warming gift too.  I was shocked as I thought she came to just help us with our move into our new home.

I was always proud that we got my MIL her first washing machine way back when.  Maybe our situation was different than most as it wasn't that my in laws could not afford things as much as they never realized the availability or usefulness of many things.  Every time they visited us here, they returned with a new home improvement idea for their flat.
KenC

Actually, I have had the thought that MIL/babushka should get a dryer...

[KenC]

Actually, I have had the thought that MIL/babushka should get a dryer...

It was funny that we had to force the washing machine on her.  She went to buy it kicking and scratching all the way.  It was an "unnecessary luxury" in her mind.  It didn't take her long after to understand the value.  Just try to take it away from her now!  :hairraising:
KenC

[boaterguy]

I voted less than $100/month,but this is an overall average from over 5 years of marriage. We have sent money a couple of times to help her mother,once for medical and the other to help with privitizing her apartment. We send gifts for Bdays and Christmas. My MIL just last week told my wife to quite sending presents as she doesn't need them!

[DKMM]

I would be in the minus column as well.  I put an end to my wife getting some assistance from her mom after I found out about it.  One of our AM/RW friends here locally have an extreme situation.  He doesn't let her spend money so she setup a secret bank account here in the US so her parents could send her some.

But if my in laws needed it, I would support them with whatever we can.  I applaud those that do, I'm sure they can use it.

[Turboguy]

Well since the question was;

"How much do you estimate you're paying to family elements outside your place of residence?"

I answered it truthfully, over $ 1000.00.   Mine is actually somewhere between $ 2500 and $ 3000.00.  The "family elements outside my place of residence" is mostly paying for my mothers keep in assisted living rather than sending money to Russia.   Had the question been how much do you send home to Russia or spend for your wife's side of the family my answer would have been different.  Most months we send $ 200 to her mom and sometimes we don't. 

[ECOCKS]

So, to TG's point, Yes, the context here is FSUW and my apologies if it wasn't understood that I meant payments to her family.

On another note, whether this survey indicates it is normal to pay hundreds to even a thousand per month or less than a hundred, it should be useful information. Some guys come on here with the stories of paying allowances, gifts and support payments then seem surprised at being told few others are doing this and the questions about ripoffs startup.

Information is good and it seems handy to get an idea concerning the patterns and exceptions.

[Vaughn]

We send $100 every six weeks or so to my wife's mother, but it's really not for her own
support, despite managing on a fixed pension. Maria occupies our flat, and for us it's one
of those win-win situations. We did not want to sell it for various reasons, nor did we care
to rent it. Mama needed a place, and she's proved to be a great tenant. With the money we
occasionally send, she's completely remodeled the kitchen, bathroom, veranda and balcony
over a period of years. Each time we visit, the place looks better than last time.

Assuming that not every kopeck has gone toward the improvements, I voted < $100

We also finance her visits to the USA. To date, though, that's been only twice.

But if my in laws needed it, I would support them with whatever we can.  I applaud those that do, I'm sure they can use it.

Ditto. My wife comes from a very proud family that never requests assistance. If an unusually dear
situation presented itself - we are ready and willing to help out.

[ECOCKS]

We send $100 every six weeks or so to my wife's mother, but it's really not for her own
support, despite managing on a fixed pension. Maria occupies our flat, and for us it's one
of those win-win situations. We did not want to sell it for various reasons, nor did we care
to rent it. Mama needed a place, and she's proved to be a great tenant. With the money we
occasionally send, she's completely remodeled the kitchen, bathroom, veranda and balcony
over a period of years. Each time we visit, the place looks better than last time.

Assuming that not every kopeck has gone toward the improvements, I voted < $100

We also finance her visits to the USA. To date, though, that's been only twice.

Ditto. My wife comes from a very proud family that never requests assistance. If an unusually dear
situation presented itself - we are ready and willing to help out.

Same here. Mama occupys one of our apartments which is located in Kyiv. Someday, when the son comes over she will move to one of the ones in Kremenchuk. Then we'll probably sell the Kyiv one unless the market is still depressed.

[MarkLeftTX]

We send $100 every six weeks or so to my wife's mother, but it's really not for her own
support, despite managing on a fixed pension.

Yeah, we send maybe $500 per year? Something like that. Maybe more. But not much. We will go weeks with nothing, and then send something to help out on medical costs or something.

If we Western Union it, we always send $200 because it is cheaper in the long run. We did have a place in DC that sent it cheaper, but we moved.

We also tried to give them an ATM card and have an account here that we would put money into and have them withdraw it there, but that account got hacked and it almost cost us $600! (You wouldn't think that you could have money withdrawn from an account that you had no money in... but apparently you can!) That was a real mess. Thankfully, the bank covered us when it was seen the transactions were being run through Belarus (a place we -- nor the card -- had ever been).

 

[philb]

I voted zero.  We give gifts to her family just like we give gifts to mine.  As far as a monthly stipend or something similar, no.  Now if a need were to arise in either of our families this would change of course

[Brianinaz]

N and her daughter lived with the folks and she contributed a fair amount to the monthly budget. We send a portion of that monthly so the folks didn't take too big a hit for our happiness. I thought that was fair.

[Doll]

  We have been supporting my parents from day 1 (now only my mom living).
J offered it himself, he did it monthly, then I did (and do ) it from my money.
It is actually our money.

 Also, all Christmases and  birthdays  money goes to all the parents and kids (my mom and my older son including).
 Now, when I have a grandson I feel like helping his parents now and then. To be fair, my older never asks for any help.
 On the other hand my older son now sends money to my younger and me.
 So I voted for $100-250 a month.
I consider it fair and necessary. 

[OlgaH]

  We have been supporting my parents from day 1 (now only my mom living).

I consider it fair and necessary. 

Parents take care of their children and children take care of their parents... Absolutely normal 

[Doll]

Yes, absolutely normally for Russian culture. My parents raised me, helped a lot with my sons so I feel obligated.

[Mars]

Parents take care of their children and children take care of their parents... Absolutely normal  

Yes normal for FSU, but not normal for USA.

It is not that family in USA will  not help each other, it is that it is rarely needed; at least with respect to the peer group here where most all (and their USA family) are middle class and above.

I encountered frequently during my time in FSU the hints or insinuations that people in USA are not caring because they don't help out their parents, and the parents do not live in old age with the children.  However, as we here all know, this is simply because it is not needed for most families in USA, whereas it is needed in FSU.  I talked to some older grandparents in FSU who were living with their children and grandchildren . . . and they were not at all happy doing it.  They told me, given the chance, they would be happy to live in retirement villages like grandparents in USA  do.

So while Olga and others claim it is 'absolutely normal,' in fact it is not.
Thus this is a very important thing for newbies to understand that they will be faced with the possibly of spending much, much more to support the FSU wife's extended family than they could possibly have drempt.

And while it is easy and noble for the USA party to proclaim they are happy to do it, it is still a major consideration that must be factored into the decision process.

And it is easy to say that the same help will be provided to the USA parents as to the FSU parents, if needed, thus trying to sound noble also.  But fact is . . . it will rarely if ever be needed for the USA parents.  So there really is not equality of need and treatment, regardless of attempts to sugarcoat and justify.

[OlgaH]

So while Olga and others claim it is 'absolutely normal,' in fact it is not.

For me it is absolutely normal to take care of my dearest people in my life as it has been always in our family - to support each other in every way