Divorce

[catzenmouse]

AJ,

 It's been quite some time since I checked in here and I am really sorry to hear about this happening to you both. We're only a couple of hours away if you want. Anything we can do to help we would be more than happy to do even if it is just an ear to bend or a place to raise a glass.

 Our wishes are for the best for you both!

Elena & Ken

[BillyB]

AJ
  I've read thousands of your posts here and elsewhere and I know you're one of the good guys. Funny, classy, never throwing mud at others and never boastful. When you displayed photos of your pride and joy here, I knew you adored your wife immensely.

Although it's nothing to be proud about, divorced does not mean you should be labeled a bad guy. In most marriages, life changes and people change. When there are changes, one can only hope that both couples changed together and remain on the same path.

I didn't read all this thread or any details about what happen except what you said in your first few posts here. I believe if your marriage could work out, AJ, you'd want it to work out. Marriages has its ups and downs and sometimes the when the downs happen when we think of our own selfish desires even when it's someting simple and seemingly innocent as desiring another lifestyle. I know you mentioned you two talked about it but talking about what you two want as individuals isn't going to save the marriage if either of you still hope for it. Sometimes both need to remember the wedding vows and the commitment you two made to each other and the promise you made to a higher power if you believe in that. In a perfect World, applying, honoring and maintaining your wedding vows will keep marriages together through adversity. I don't know if you two care for any further advice to salvage your marriage but unless there is adultery, abuse, fraud, or violation of your vows,I wouldn't feel right giving any advice or motivation for breaking up a marriage that may have simply hit a bump in the road. I hope you two are making the right decision. Take care AJ.

[HiTech]

Just found this thread yesterday.

Good Luck , and best wishes AJ.

HiTech

[Jumper]

It is very sad to see guys who have been on the boards for 5+ years are now having to deal with an ugly divorce. I am seeing too many familiar names who are now posting as single guys. If you look at the divorce rate among Americans why should it be any different if one person is Russian? That complicates the picture. I think a problem earlier on is expectations. The Russian woman has no idea what life will be like once she arrives. In some relationships the woman is totally devastated if she finds her husband is an average American. I have heard of one guy who is working on his third Russian wife. His first Russian wife was so homesick she left while he was at work and took all of her belongings. These relations are never easy even in the best situations.

SoC-

i see some of what you are refereing to in local cross culture couples that we know,
but not as often as you'd think!
most that have any problems,are just typical relationship issues, of any marriage.
 
i do think that cross cultural marriages bring added complications ,
and have always said the divorce rate vs a *marriage withn the same culture*
 is going t be the same, or higher..
it's just common sense.

In our particular case it isnt ugly, far from it!!
and it isnt due to any  higher expectations  on her part or homesickness,
she is very well adjusted here, has been for many years..
 she was driving from day one ,and good english,pretty quickly made good friends and normal routine
so 6 years later adjustment to where we live ,or how we live, certainly isnt any impact on our relationship.
,mine or  her nationalities or cultures, just isnt even remotely an issue.

we still talk daily, and see each other often..
i spoke with her mom a last week..her mom is funny and very worried about us both,
she is taking our divorce very hard,
and also so worried what will happen with poor *aGee* if Tanechka isnt there daily to take care of him
She knows i will insure Tanya is fine and lands on her feet perfectly.but baturally is worried for us both.

[Jumper]

Catz billy and hi tech..
thanks..!!!


catz,, may take you up on that..
thanks!!
some days are better than others,,


 Billy,thanks for your thoughts..
you are right,  i certainly dont take the vows lightly as you can imagine,
and neither does Tanya.We have both worked hard thru this and
 did not make this decision together lightly.
we still spend  a significant amount of time together,.but it is because we still
 care about each other.
It is not an attempt to resolve things we know after 6 years
that we cannot.
i can't say that either of us doesnt *at times* have second thoughts about it,
because when we are together like last weekend, or tuesday, everything is great.
its a person you care deeply for,and enjoy thier company,or we wouldnt have married in the first place.


it diffinantly isnt some ugly divorce , and wont be.

i had an accident thursday ..
and right now she's here taking care of me, i had a 3 to 4  hour surgery early Am on friday.
(broken cheekbones/nose ,,and right hand)
they had to borrow some cartlidge from my right ear to rebuild the bridge of my  nose.
so i'm hurting in a few different places,, =/
but I am back home today (sore and bored to death!!!!)


i know any *divorce* isnt the intent of this forum..!!!!
nor is it inspirational..to those thinking of marrying someone from another culture.

but i would hope that those reading our story,, would not find it horrible.
Two adults CAN love each other,
but have significant enough long term life and family views that marriage is not the best option for
them as a couple.

i would help her thru anything,
 she would help and support me as well in anything i asked.
we decided this course is best for us both,
and we will move on with our lives,but at our own pace in seperation..*shrugs*

Obviously since we did file ,we recognize that time will distance us eventually.
we had great moments in our marriage, neither of us regret being married..
far from it,,we know we will carry a bit of each other for life.

[BC]

AJ,

Marriage is not a suit that fits all.

You two seem to have a caring, ongoing relationship with whatever that entails.

Quite ok IMHO.

Best to all of you.

[Ludmila]

AJ,

Was upset to read about your accident. Glad you are back home. I am wishing you a fast recovery and stay positive, which you are. Good luck in everything you are doing. Hope, everything's OK with your kid.

[Jumper]

Thanks BC and Ludmila,

Several here, like Anastasia, KenC, BC and Ludmila,etc, have  seemed to have understood the pulse of this ..

and Ludmila,as far as our boy ,he is doing *ok* thru this, and Tanya has been exceptional at making sure of that.
(that is a bit of a parodox though)

 It may not seem like it by posts,
but we are both more adjusted to this, and believe it or not moving forward towards seperate lives,and new chapters in them.
somehow this last few weeks ,has helped a lot.

As far as my recent accident, there's never a good time for one, and this was really really bad timing.
but it may be a wake up call we both needed as well.. ?
because we can't seperate and yet be each others crutch every time something comes up.
We had a good talk about it tonight and given us some closure i think.

[KenC]

AJ,
Get better dude.  I know you down play injuries, but this sounds like you had major face reconstruction.  Make sure they put it all back together well.  Would hate for you to just look "average" like the rest of us instead of a Tom Cruise double. (You lil stud muffin)

Hell, we have had guys write threads upon threads on a wrenched back and you barely mention a broken hand, nose and cheek bone.  Get better soon!.
KenC

[Jumper]

KenC   thanks!
 you're right,
yeah i look like hell right now for sure....
I don't remember much , but did a good number on myself,
 and have no idea what i'll come out looking like.
but tanya and the docs told me it was pretty good "right" after the surgery
(before the swelling set in) and that i'll  be good as new..!!!!!!

but right now, my whole face swollen up huge, and a "face" cast in place, black eyes, jacked up black ear
.so looks pretty grim.Would have been  a good halloween costume,i diffinantly scare children right now

i've had some serious surgeries before,been in ICU and stuff.
 This is minor in comparison,,but still hits home a bit more?
me and Tanya were joking that it is certainly NOT the best way to start a new bachelor life out!! 
Shes been trying to assure me that all is well ,and being strong for me..
but i could tell she was about to break down.It's hard seeing someone messed up i know.
just been bored out of my mind today.. the worst part for me of any injury is this laying/sitting around..
yesterday was the absolute worst because they wouldnt let me leave..at least today i'm home.
The kids also been a big help ..he's getting old enough to really chip in and be the "lil man" of the house...
i'll be back on my feet by monday i hope. (docs say longer, but i'm always weeks ahead of them!! )

[Bruce]

Sorry to hear the news AJ.    Good or bad, I suppose it is good but I am always sorry to see a marriage end in divorce.   Sorry about the injury but you'll bounce back good as new.   

I have said it for a long time and I will say it one more time that children are the key to a marriage surviving between a Western man and a FSU wife, especially one with a 15 year or more age difference.   Best for the man and wife to have one or more children for marriage survivability.   The younger FSU woman will want one or more and if she determines you are not the best or at least good enough for the long term survivability of her own family - see ya!   This may not be the best fit for AJ's marriage but I know the cultural differences about how to raise a child are the hugest I have faced in my marriage and with any luck we will soon have our second together.

That being said, the raising of a child / children in the West is the most difficult issue for most couples.   When the mother-in-law gets involved the game gets much more complicated  .   

Best of luck AJ, sorry I do not have too much time to contribute to this thread

[Jazzyclassy]

AJ ! Get well soon, such a horrible things you  post here about broken nose and things, it must be so so painful and i just can not imagine how you feel, health is very important in order to keep your spirits high.

Take care

[Jumper]

thanks, 

today i'm feeling much better,,actually was able to get up and around..but i look pretty bad..

had a doc appointment to go to about the hand (they hadnt worked on that yet)
i'm used to being moving,,this extra down time isnt what i wanted or needed at the moment..
and too muvh time to reflect on things.
t's been a big help ,,as expected,,and it has given us time to talk over where we need to head.
and cleared up that we need to do that in a more direct way to be fair to each other even..




sorry for typos, i'm famous for them,,but now it's one handed.. =/

[Gator]

sorry for typos, i'm famous for them,,but now it's one handed.. =/

Actually, I see fewer typos this way.  However, you must be typing at about 15 MPH.

Get well!!!!

BTW, what did your nose hit?

[Doll]

Actually, I see fewer typos this way

[Jumper]

Gator and doll..
yeah !!  i have to take more time, so its more like 2.5 mph..! (or 0.25 words per minute)


 Gator , I'm not sure what my nose/cheekbones hit..
all my knuckleheaded buddies are joking about it..
(we are pretty mean to each other)
helmets break,(not often ,but it happens) could have hit part of it when it caved in..or the ground? part of the bike? part of someone else's bike? it's really hard to say.
i had some good news today..while my right hand is broke (metartarals(?) and schaphoid) it doesnt require surgery, or pins.
so a regular cast, 6 weeks i'll be all good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I need  a vacation!
(i have at least 12 weeks on the books!)

 

 

[IAmZon]

use it or loose it!

The body is an incredible machine. 

[Jumper]

riv   

i've lived that expression, for a long time.. 

 

[ScottinCrimea]

I have said it for a long time and I will say it one more time that children are the key to a marriage surviving between a Western man and a FSU wife, especially one with a 15 year or more age difference.   Best for the man and wife to have one or more children for marriage survivability.

I think I understand what you are saying, but this could easily be misconstrued.  The idea of having a child to save a marriage is flawed. Children will never "save" a marriage.  Children make a good marriage better and a bad marriage worse.

[Son of Clyde]

Sorry about your accident, AJ.
I had an idea of putting airbags on bikes.
Don't think it will work too well though.

I had another useless idea that could work.
You remember the bumper cars from amusement parks?
Why not put the same sort of external rubber ring on the outside of cars. Then the cars, upon impact would just bounce off one another.

[Jumper]

Clyde-
Believe it or not, Honda has some on thier Gold wing street bikes

(i ride/race strickly off road)

[Bruce]

Scott - the main thesis of my argument is that if a guy marries a young pretty girl from the FSU, chances are that girl is family oriented and in the immediate or near future will want children.    If she does not realize it immediately chances are she will shortly after marriage.   So, either she decides she will have children and a long term future with the guy who brought her or not...........................

Now, there are exceptions to my rule of thumb but over the years that has been the true test of survivability of marriage ie. couples having children / child survive and those without end in divorce, plain and simple.   

[ScottinCrimea]

Bruce, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm understanding you to say that the woman's decision to have a child with you shows her view of you as a long term companion, so if she is electing not to, divorce is imminent.  I think there are just too many variables involved to make such a statement.

[docetae]

Hello, I went trough the same for the hand . best training after is with play-doh. Wish you the best recovery for your hand, face and soul.

[Jumper]

Bruce, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm understanding you to say that the woman's decision to have a child with you shows her view of you as a long term companion, so if she is electing not to, divorce is imminent.  I think there are just too many variables involved to make such a statement.

Scott, i don't think he is saying exactly that.


i think i understand Bruces point,
because in an overall way,, it does seem to be "generally " accurate.


but as always *generalities* do not match specific couples?
 In our case she wanted to have a child, but I know very well it would have merely been a band aid,
and would not have helped our marriage *ultimately*.
 
although to be fair to Bruces theory, we would have stayed together longer.
10 years?maybe 15 ? who is to know? but yes i would say it would likely have extended our married years.
Still it would not have changed the fundamental differences.