If you die, I'm moving back to Russia

[roykirk]

This is more of a contemplative post rather than looking for any advice or comments.  It's based on a rather deep discussion my wife and I had the other day, and it reminded me of the commitment and complexity these FSU and WM relationships entail.

I work in a fairly dangerous job, the kind where people do get seriously injured and killed.  I had an acquaintance who died on the job recently, and then a few days later I got injured during work.  This led to a discussion about what my wife would do if I ever died unexpectedly.  She said she'd likely pack up and take our (future) child back to Russia.  Initially I was shocked at this suggestion, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I wouldn't blame her.  All of her family is there, she could easily resume her (well paying) career there, and she already has a house there.  I was initially worried about how it would impact my parents, who would not only be dealing with losing me but also losing their only grandchild.  Then I also was thinking about whether my child would have better opportunities growing up here in the U.S. compared with Russia.  But then again, my wife's family is already facing having a grandchild who they may only see outside of photos, e-mails, or telephone conversations a few times in their entire life.  Finally, I considered what I'd do if the situation was reversed, i.e. Living in Russia with my wife and child and then she died suddenly.  I'd likely be on the first plane back to the United States where I'd have the support of family and friends.

Again, not really seeking any advice.  I suppose the only thing I could or should do is have a talk with my parents (or stipulating it in a will, if necessary or legal) that I don't want them trying to initiate any legal action to try to keep their grandchild here in the event of my death and my wife wants to move back to Russia.  If I'm not around, I want my child with their mother, regardless of what country they're in. 

[Blues Fairy]

If the child is male it would be very stupid indeed to bring it to Russia and raise as a Russian citizen.  

Girl, too, as a matter of fact - I don't have much faith in Russia's future in the nearest decades.  

In short, if I were left alone with the kid, I would look at where the kid would have the safest and most promising future, not where it would be more comfortable for me to raise her.  

[roykirk]

She could easily change her mind too, depending on the age of our child.  If he/she were a teen or much older than about 10, I doubt she'd do it.  Her mind could also change on the prospects of raising a child in Russia the longer she's here.  What she's thinking about right now is that she has no career here and it will take several years and likely going back to college before she can do that.  I have a life insurance policy that would enable her to pay off the house and live for a couple of years without having to work, but after that all bets are off.  I think this recent death and my subsequent injury just shook her a little. 

[Gylden]

maybe you could find a safer job??

[roykirk]

maybe you could find a safer job??

Easier said than done, especially considering it's all I've ever known since I was 18 years old and have no other training.  But you raise a valid point in that I'm in administration now, so I shouldn't normally have to put myself in those situations, but I chose to in this case.  It reminded me that I need to be more careful now that I have more than just myself to worry about. 

[Gylden]

I know what you mean, I was a commercial diver for 25 years. I changed jobs at 50, but it actually goes quite well, much better than I thought it would and I find it refreshing and challanging to "shake the tree" so to speak. Anyway just thought I would come with some "out of the box" idea.
My wife doesn't like to think about this kind of matter either.
What is it that you do by the way?

[GQBlues]

This is a very good topic you brought up Roykirk as this is one of the things my wife and I discussed in great lenght during her first year here. The subject of mortality is not always kosher but is definitely one of the more important things to discuss especially when one partner is a newly placed immigrant.

In my heart and mind from the very beginning my wife's future was always front and center. A lot of the planning we made took in the consideration of the possibility that at any given moment I may not always be around. Getting her a degree here and get her acclimated and established in our business environment was a very important target for us. Not only will it enhance 'our' future together - it also lends great peace knowing she can take care of herself easily if there comes a day she need to rely on herself alone.

Home, insurances, finances, etc...are definitely helpful to make things easier for her but that simply wasn't enough for me. I believe the comfort of knowing she's more than capable of fully functioning in this society on her own, to me, was tantamount to our priorities. Today, she have a great sense of belonging here (she plans to be a Republican  .

At this time, being she's already a US citizen, she tells me there's no way she's ever going back to Russia to live no matter what (That's a leap, considering she did not want to move to the US but preferred Germany or Australia in the beginning). Especially now that we are in a position to petition her folks since they're fast approaching their retirement years.

[roykirk]

I know what you mean, I was a commercial diver for 25 years. I changed jobs at 50, but it actually goes quite well, much better than I thought it would and I find it refreshing and challanging to "shake the tree" so to speak. Anyway just thought I would come with some "out of the box" idea.
My wife doesn't like to think about this kind of matter either.
What is it that you do by the way?

I guard my privacy as much as possible and don't usually give out more info than necessary.  I'll say "public safety" and leave it at that.   

[Gylden]

No prob. just being a little social.

GQ you are right, this is a very important subject, regardless if you are young or old, in a dangerous line of work or not, married to an AW or FSUW.
In our case we brought my wife's two children here and they have assimilated into society here and are getting a fantastic start on a bright future. The more confidence and support your wife has the better prospects for both her and any of your children will be. I am in complete agreement with GQ's approach!

[BillyB]

Roykirk,
  If you die, your wife gets to decide where you and your child gets to live. Not your grandparents or her grandparents. Give her time to settle in. She may learn to call America home and see the value of raising your child here. If she goes back to Russia, no big deal either. Life can happen there too.

You should have it if something happens to you on the job but make sure you have some life insurance if you want to give your wife something in case you die. A good sum of money may give your wife confidence she can financially make it here alone without you.

[SANDRO43]

Roykirk,  If you die, your wife gets to decide where you and your child gets to live.

You meant SHE, I assume ?

[roykirk]

Roykirk,
  If you die, your wife gets to decide where you and your child gets to live. Not your grandparents or her grandparents. Give her time to settle in. She may learn to call America home and see the value of raising your child here. If she goes back to Russia, no big deal either. Life can happen there too.

You should have it if something happens to you on the job but make sure you have some life insurance if you want to give your wife something in case you die. A good sum of money may give your wife confidence she can financially make it here alone without you.

Yeah, as I was saying above I have an insurance policy that would basically allow her to pay off the mortgage and live for a couple of years without working, but she certainly wouldn't get rich.  Once the kiddo arrives the smart thing to do would be to bump up the insurance again so that she and our child could live for several years without having to work.  That might make her more apt to stay around and try to make a "go" of it. 

[BillyB]

You meant SHE, I assume ?

LoL. you got me there Sandro. I'm typing faster than I can think today. I'm not all wrong though. After Roykirk dies, his wife still gets to decide where he's going to live(dwell).

[JR]

Given time her position will change. After many years and without children the subject came up with my ex. She said that her life is here now and she wouldn't go back. As your wife puts down roots in her new home she will begin to change her position.

Best thing is to never forget you have a little family depending on you now so never, Never, NEVER EVER take shortcuts in safety at work. What seemed a reasonable risk before now effects much more than just yourself. Stick around, I gaurantee you you're gonna enjoy that little baby and watching her grow

[Doll]

If the child is male it would be very stupid indeed to bring it to Russia and raise as a Russian citizen.

Why? "Stupid" is a very loaded word in this context.

[Rina_G]

Given time her position will change.

absolutely agree
Probably till she miss about her family and friends
I know many women who passed this hard period.
no one from then want to return to Russia.
 and it's true - for children there are the best possiblities in USA.
and maybe soon we'll live without visas and moving will be more easer