English ability

[Chicagoguy]

Although my wife spoke almost zero English she would take from1.5 hrs to 3 hrs everyday to write me a letter in English. This was everyday for over 1 1/2 years. When I would translate a letter into Russian for her she would get angry. "I need to learn English !"

My Russian friends who had moved here said it wasn't necessary for me to learn Russian. They thought it would be a waste of time for something that would take a great deal of effort without big enough rewards. And knowing that I have great difficulties with languages I agreed.

Still, I think it is much better to pursue someone who is at least proficient. Maybe who can talk some on the phone.

[Misha]

Why would I want to learn Russian?  Well first, I think it would be rude to not learn the language, culture etc. of someone you are in love with and will be that close to.
Second, like you said, they will prefer their native tongue, so when she is having an "issue" that she feels more comfortable in Russian with, I'd like to, eventually, have the skill level to be able to be there for her without her having to translate first.  Finally, when much of her family speaks NO English (and doesn't have the need or desire to learn), how are you going to communicate with them?

I speak Russian fluently and this brings with it all the benefits that you have mentioned. However, I would still not recommend dating and marrying a woman who does not speak the dominant language of your home (English in this case). My wife spoke no English when she arrived as she had studied German in school. She has made great progress to date after close to 3.5 years, but it will still take at least a couple of years before her English will be good enough for her to go back to university for example. Not knowing English made her culture shock that much worse and made it that much more difficult for her to make friends. All in all, I love my wife and I am happy that we are together, but I would not recommend that anybody else go down my path. Learn Russian, sure, but best to find someone who has studied some English as it will make her integration into her new home country that much easier.

[RussianWind]

Misha where did you learn Russian? Do you have Russian roots or was it just curiosity?

[Misha]

Misha where did you learn Russian? Do you have Russian roots or was it just curiosity?

Did it for the challenge. Growing up during the Cold War was always intrigued on what was on the other side of the Iron Curtain.

[Mike78]

Those married to any foreign lady must accept that they will always prefer their native tongue.
Why do you [OP] want to learn Russian?
You wouldn't need it in this country.

I don't think that's necessarily true. I am myself an immigrant from a non-English speaking country (Slovakia) and I have to admit that sometimes when I'm forced to speak Slovak (e.g. my parents), it is sometimes hard to find the right word or idiom that I have readily available in English and I wish I could use it. This doesn'ty really happen to me when I'm speaking in English (which is about 99% of the time). So although most people probably do prefer their native language, it's not universal and this preference may change with time as well. Generally the younger you are the more likely it is that you'll eventually prefer to speak the local language than your native tongue. Although I was quite old (24) when I moved to USA for good, but I've spent some time here before (1 yr highschool, 1 yr college). Also I was married to AW for 5 years and used to have a job where I would be forced talk all day long...

[tfcrew]

I don't think that's necessarily true.

 [that they will always prefer their native speech] ??
It is usually true [a generality I know]

 An American speaking to an American in Moscow will converse in English.
It doesn't matter how much Russian they know.

 A Russian parent in America will usually converse with their child in both languages. I think that is ideal.  
I've never seen a Latin American parent do this.
When the Russian girls get on the phone or gather together...Russian is spoken.....  Using an English word when they don't know the Russian word for something. Or a cliche that they may have learned like 'liar, liar pants on fire' or something.

Generally the younger you are the more likely it is that you'll eventually prefer to speak the local language than your native tongue.

Agree to an extent..Local Latino folks here this country will communicate only with the language they speak and understand best....
Por Espanol marke dos.

[Gylden]

tfcrew,
I think your generalities are true enough, but what is funny......this year at a Christmas party I met another American and we spoke Norwegian for the most, everytime we tried to speak English the conversation reverted to Norwegian?? I didn't really think about it until reading this thread.
 

[He HATO]

I think I've come to the point where I realize that I'm going to have to have the "phone conversation" earlier in the correspondence.  I've been writing with this one nice (of course) gal from Uzbekistan for a couple of weeks now, and I think the language barrier is going to be too much.
We had our first "call" yesterday, and it was great until we both got done with the "hello, how are you, fine" part.  After that, it kind of died. I did manage to ask about her family a bit (in Russian) and she asked me a bit about the weather.  But since her level of English is about the same as my level in Russian, it ended pretty quickly.
I know it sounds cold, but as I've posted before, I was surprised at the amount of TIME that is required in this endeavor, and to put so many hours into a correspondence only to realize it's not going to work due to communication issues sucks.  I'm sure she may be feeling the same way and I feel bad I wasted both of our times.

Yet another good reason (besides to weed out some scammers) to have the phone call ASAP in the correspondence.

-Bob

Hi... I understand what you are going through.  When I first met my now wife, she knew no English, but the 'Chemistry' if you will, was still there. Mind you, we did not meet through an agency, and our first meeting was in person while I was on deployment in Ukraine.  I had a book with me that was basically a English/Russian 'Tourist Book'... I used this book as an excuse to meet her, and talk with her as "Wanted to learn Russian"  Which, infact, I have actually learned a decent amount.

I was only in Ukraine for 3 weeks, and my total time with her was about 2 days (she worked 24 hours shifts where we stayed, and I would chat with her)  We seemed to get along fine, and of course I wanted to know more about her.

When I got back home, I wrote her a letter (translated via an on line translation site)  She did the same for me, and sent me a phone number. 

I called the phone number, and some man actually answered the phone!  Turns out she did not have a phone, and she gave me a neighbors phone number (whom I have since met) so she could communicate with me.  Eventually she bought her own cell phone, and we would use the services of an interpreter to communicate.

After about 5 months I went back to Ukraine on my own and visited her. I was wanting a new computer at the time, so I took my old one (a lap top) with me and gave it to her, and showed her how to use it, how to use the translation website, the web cam, skype, etc etc etc... And I offered to pay for internet service for her. (again, visiting where she would pay, seeing how much it would cost, etc)

We communicated this way for quite a while, and things began to get better.  But I can recall the first few phone calls with the interpreter thinking "What the hell am I doing, this girl has NO personality?1?!"

Eventually I started to take Russian lessons on my own, and learn the basics.. I had an interest in the cold war thing, and wanted to be better able to communicate with her, and her family too. So this helped (and still helps)

She started English Lessons, which sometimes I would pay for, and sometimes not, depending on her financial situation at a given time.

I had also befriended a Lady from St Petersburg who (now)has a Doctorate in Linguistics, specifically in English and French... She would use me to bounce ideas off of for her degree, and in return, I got some good quality Cultural Education and Interpretation, as Did my wife.

When I went back the first time, I had a myriad of books, and we took books everywhere we went, but we managed to communicate well.     As I went back each successive time, we used the books less and less..

Now (we have been dating since May 2006, and got married this past Dec) She is here, the books are non existant (with the exception of the ones she uses to study with)  But we do use the computer sometimes to still translate important ideas and things that we cannot communicate with eachother.

So, Time, yes, Patience, yes, and RESOURCEFULNESS... these things will get the job done, and I must admit, they will get them done very well.  We are still having learning curve difficulties, she gets bored while I am at the firehouse (due to her still learning English)  She still cannot get a job yet, but she is studying, and we get along just fine.

Books, dry erase boards, translators, interpreters, and some knowledge of Russian has all helped us have a successful loving family thus far.

Oh, and did I mention her 10 year old son?

It can be done my friend!

Good Luck!

[Gylden]

Nice story HeHATO,
It just goes to show that almost anything is possible depending on the individuals. I am not sure everyone could accomplish what you have done, but who knows?? If the chemistry is strong enough.
 

[MattyB4]

i think its each persons responsability to learn the others language, its easy to say "well she can learn english, i dont need to learn russian" but at the end of the day, thats a pretty ignorant attitude. You are not just talking about casually dating a girl, and its not just her privelege to be going out with you thus making it her responsability to speak english. You are talking about making a commitment to another human being, who has their own culture. Her family may not speak english at all, and unless you want to be stood there in an awkward position every time one of her family try to talk to you, you are going to have to learn some basic stuff.

Also, i think that a couple from different countries have the unique position of being able to bring up a bi-lingual child. That is a gift that you can give your child that costs no money, and is a tremendous boost to their future potential, particularly since eastern europe is a very "up and coming" place.

Plus, learning a new language, although sometimes difficult and frustrating, is a very rewarding thing to do. Its fantastic when you can hold a conversation with someone that does not speak your native tongue.

[wildy]

Totally agree with Matty. If you really want russian wife - learn Russian a little.
And with efforts with both sides in learning languages all will be right;)

[alex330]

Yes use of slang can tend to send a conversation into a tailspin as i've learned, but like all things slang is usually picked up on eventually.

Oh man....I have had to explain myself out of some uncomfortable situations with the use of slang. Definitely limit it until you get to know her better, then she may be very interested in learning all about the use of it.

[groovlstk]

Oh man....I have had to explain myself out of some uncomfortable situations with the use of slang. Definitely limit it until you get to know her better, then she may be very interested in learning all about the use of it.

You think that's bad? Wait until you marry a woman and have her pick up a few of her husband's R-rated slang expressions. And then, when she innocently imitates you and uses those expressions in a very inappropriate manner, in public, it gets even better - because then you have to explain to her exactly what said expressions reference and why she just embarrassed herself!

I still have a mark on my ribcage from that one.

[Brianinaz]

Yet another newbie question..

Previously the FSUW I corresponded with had a very good command of English.  The Ukrainian girl I actually dated (here in US) had an excellent command.  Even with that, I found from time to time there could still be misunderstandings (sometimes I think intentional  LOL).

But recently I've been corresponding with a couple of gals who have only basic English skills.  So I'm curious how many of you may have had correspondence/relationships with girls who only had a small knowledge of English (assuming of course your Russian is minimal or non-existant) and how you dealt with it.  I am learning Russian now, but can only hold on the most basic conversation, and I'm sure it will be a year or so before I could have a real "conversation". 

I guess I'm wondering if the effort should even be made, since I can't honestly see how the relationship would work, but I am curious about your experience.

I think some of these dating sites, besides asking which languages you speak, should have a "level" description as well, so you know how much English they know, and how much Russian you know, up front.

Thanks

Here's my experience. When I met my wife she responded to my "add" with an SMS that said "If you speak Russian then I would be glad to meet with you." Well, I at the time I had a 50-100 word Russain word vocabularly and she didn't specify how well I had to speak Russain so I figureed what the heck that qualifies. I asked my friend and intertreter to arrange the time and place for us to meet and the rest as they say is history. Some of what made our relationship in the beginning was sitting at a computer with an online translation program learning to communicate with each other. I think alot depends on the woman. If you're communicating with a really smart girl, she's going to learn quickly and it won't be an issue. If your girl dosen't learn so fast then it could be a real problem.

I do think that in some respects the language difference can be of benifit. When 2 native speakers speak to each other they assume the other understands what is being said. Thats not the case with people who have different native languages. When we talk about things of signifiance I really make sure what I'm saying is understood correctly. I put much more effort into it that I would with a native speaker. So, in that regards it improves our communication.

[Markus]

rjd400,

I think JollyRats needs to take his hat off one more time.

The 1st time I called my wife, she understood the word SMS (actually letters) and my name. She
spoke almost zero English. In July of this year we will have been married 6 years.

When I was in the "searching" stage I didn't even consider the English speaking level. I figured it
was up to me to work at communication. Obviously my wife put forth a bigger effort than me
as I don't know Russian well. So, the English level wasn't an obstacle for us.

Mark