TRUST

[TigerPaws]

After Elena and I met and decided to give it a go I wrote to some of the other ladies I had written to and told them that I was going to get serious about Elena and broke off the occassional relationship I had with a lady here. I told Elena about the other girls I had written to and about the person I had gone to meet who did not work out.

Over the first six months or so of her being here I would on occassion get a letter from someone (usually a scammer). I showed them to her and explained that I had some ads online and even though I killed most of them I could not guarantee that there were still some out there somewhere. I answered the letters saying that I was married now and let her answer a few also which helped her to feel that I was not hiding anything. She is still a bit on the jealous side but I don't mind that at all.

Ken

catzenmouse,

 Interesting because almost the very same thing happened to me and i handled things in almost the same manor. My lady is has a bit of a jealous streak running through her and while it is never been a issue I do enjoy seeing it from time to time. Kind of make me feel all that much more wanted.

 

[Bruce]

Maybe I am splitting hairs, but one point of definition I like to discuss with my wife (since she is such a language lover):

faith (fth)

n.
1. Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.
2. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. See Synonyms at belief, trust.
3. Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance: keeping faith with one's supporters.
4. often Faith Christianity The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will.
5. The body of dogma of a religion: the Muslim faith.
6. A set of principles or beliefs.
Idiom:

in faith
Indeed; truly.
 
trust (trst)
n.
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
4.
a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
b. One in which confidence is placed.
5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.
6. Reliance on the intention and ability of a purchaser to pay in the future; credit.
 
Often we use the two words interchangeably, but I think we usually have faith in our relationship, while we at the same time definitely do not trust our wife / fiance / girlfriend to do certain things ie. drive a car without scaring the sh&t out of us etc.
 

[TigerPaws]

Often we use the two words interchangeably, but I think we usually have faith in our relationship, while we at the same time definitely do not trust our wife / fiance / girlfriend to do certain things ie. drive a car without scaring the sh&t out of us etc.
 

My lady is a very good driver, of course I keep my eyes closed.

 

[Shadow]

Maybe I am splitting hairs, but one point of definition I like to discuss with my wife (since she is such a language lover):

.
 
trust (trst)
n.
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
 

Sounds about right to me

[catzenmouse]

catzenmouse,

 Interesting because almost the very same thing happened to me and i handled things in almost the same manor. My lady is has a bit of a jealous streak running through her and while it is never been a issue I do enjoy seeing it from time to time. Kind of make me feel all that much more wanted. 

Tiger,

 It makes me feel the same way!

[c5driver]

TRUST - I always thought the most basic trust between a man and wife was the promise to be faithful to the marriage vows. My RW cheated on me with my neighbor the first time I went on a business trip (after 4 months of marriage).

Perhaps if I didn't trust her I would have spent a lot of money to bring her along on the trip. But that's difficult to do all the time.

Later she says she cheated because she wasn't happy in the marriage. I wished she'd told me more about how she felt and asked for marriage counseling instead of cheating. She's very sensitive and looking back I wish I'd done some things differently.

[Bruce]

C5driver - sorry to hear things went South like that, but it sounds like you made the right decision to end things.  Thats why I think having faith in your partner is just a little stronger than simply trusting her - but we do use trust and faith interchangably in every day language.   Yes, marriage counseling may have helped prior to the event of your wife having sex with your next door neighbor.  A woman hopping in bed with your neighbor after only four months of marriage sounds simply horrible, and if it was my marriage I would feel deeply hurt to say the least, so I am sure it felt horrible to you.   

[Maxx]

What amazes me is Turboguy trusts that his ex-fiancee would not bring DV charges on him to get a Green card after he finds out

1) She used a lie (Her interest in a Midnight to 1 AM program) to get him to go to bed without her.

2) Her e-mailing nude photos to men she had probably had on a string before she entered the country

3) Spent his money and his time with no intent on being a faithful wife to him.

These are all classic Green Card girl traits.

Also it doesn't matter whether she had advanced immigration knowledge or not. They get this later from their friends and boyfriends. Also having a soft nature does not matter either. Their friends press them to get tough. Idiosyncrasies and complexes that are thought to prevent marriage scamming with false DV charges don't stop this. I found this out first hand. That certain strangeness about them is just another Red flag.  

Luda is allot like C5's wife and 2 other fellows' wives I know. The sending of the nude photos. The 'little girl lost' with a sweet nature and sometimes not so nice but with a sneaky hidden side says volumes. All very, very common traits in a marriage scammer. If they scheme or are unfaithful in anyway including cyber unfaithfulness that can not be trusted in any way or degree.

Maxx  

[Photo Guy]

[size="3"][color="darkred"]Maxx, you are right. I think YOU can probably detect a scammer now, after your experiences. ...Can you detect a 'good' woman? I get the impression you are a little gun-shy and I can certainly understand why.

I can relate to Voyageur's state of mind. I wrote to a few women, and then visited ONE. This goes back to the trust issue. I was on a roll with Larisa. I wanted to ride that wave, to see if it would land me on a rocky coast or a comfortable sandy beach. Either way, I would have given her my best effort. I focused solely on her because it would make it easier for her to trust me, and that in turn, would/did help create a positive feedback loop between us.

You can sample a large number of women when you are over there, but there's a good chance it will adversely affect the trust issue, in my opinion.  -doug[/color][/size]

[Maxx]

[user=134]Photo Guy[/user] wrote:

Maxx, you are right. I think YOU can probably detect a scammer now, after your experiences. ...Can you detect a 'good' woman? I get the impression you are a little gun-shy and I can certainly understand why.

I have allot of confidence in myself in being able to spot a scammer. Especially after they get here and have had a little while to settle in. I would looking for how close she is to me and how that compares to how close she was to me in Russia.

I would definitely now only choose a woman who was into me. You see Turbo's woman from his own admission was not into him. He was into her. But not the other way around. I could say the same in my situation. I thought we had this mature practical relationship based on family and future. But that was just her act to counter her lack of spontaneous affection towards me. Sure she held my hand, kissed me, made love to me, etc. however there was always some holding back or reserve in her with this. The "good woman" routine by her was just a ploy as she knew I valued that more than the intimacy I was getting. I compromised.  She was after all my wife. Getting married in the FSU can get us to commit to making a marriage work when we should throw in the towel instead.  

I would want a woman with a very solid background. Not allot of men in her past or many jobs or changes in profession.

Also it is important that they demonstrate an ability and desire to make the relationship and emigration/immigration work. This is too difficult of a process to have to shoulder this mostly by ourselves. If a woman doesn't put her back into learning English or doing other things to prepare for a Western life why would I expect her to work on our marriage once she got here?   

Maxx

[Turboguy]

What amazes me is Turboguy trusts that his ex-fiancee would not bring DV charges on him to get a Green card after he finds out

1) She used a lie (Her interest in a Midnight to 1 AM program) to get him to go to bed without her.

2) Her e-mailing nude photos to men she had probably had on a string before she entered the country

3) Spent his money and his time with no intent on being a faithful wife to him.

These are all classic Green Card girl traits.

Also it doesn't matter whether she had advanced immigration knowledge or not. They get this later from their friends and boyfriends. Also having a soft nature does not matter either. Their friends press them to get tough. Idiosyncrasies and complexes that are thought to prevent marriage scamming with false DV charges don't stop this. I found this out first hand. That certain strangeness about them is just another Red flag.  

Luda is allot like C5's wife and 2 other fellows' wives I know. The sending of the nude photos. The 'little girl lost' with a sweet nature and sometimes not so nice but with a sneaky hidden side says volumes. All very, very common traits in a marriage scammer. If they scheme or are unfaithful in anyway including cyber unfaithfulness that can not be trusted in any way or degree.

Maxx  

Hi Maxx,  You misread my post a bit.  She never sent nude photos to anyone.   I talked about a guys fiance form Fort Lauderdale, Chas and Natilia.  Natalia came over on a Ki-1 and was doing live nude web cam with 60 guys.

Writing guys and filing false dv charges are two different things.  From what I could tell from her e-mails she never was writing anyone till she made up her mind I was not the guy for her.   Yes I saw a lot of dishonesty, like telling me she wanted me while she was writing Holger that she was dreaming that they were meant for each other and at the same time asking Chuck to do a K-1 without ever meeting.  She also contacted two immigration lawyers and asked if there was any way to stay in the usa on a K-1 without gettng married.

Honesty comes in different types.   You can have someone as honest as the day is long that will cheat on his taxes if he can find a way.  Luda in some ways was the most honest person I ever met.  

When she first got here I bought her a lot of clothes.  Actually very little though compared to some of the stories I have hear.  Lets say $ 250.00 worth of clothes.  When she decided her life was going another way, she did not ask for clothes, did not want me spending money on activities for her to any extent and after she returned to NN, actaully bought most of the groceries she needed with her own money and we were having some serious talks about trying again, she would not let me send her money.   Something I know that she did not know I knew was that in Moscow on her way home, her bag was stolen with nearly all her clothes, her $ 250 cell phone I bought her, her good digital camera that was her birthday present from me and all the money she had made in America and counted on to re-build her life.  She would not tell me it was stolen and would not take money from me.

I think Luda is a very honest person in some ways and very dishonest in others.  I think some of that comes with inexperience with men and relationships.  Frankly, I could not see her faking DV charges.

[Maxx]

Turbo I have seen too many examples of good girls suddenly doing bad girl things to trust them. My rule of thumb is never trust any RW/UW when a marriage is breaking up before she has her green card in her hand. It's like the cops with their hands resting on their revolvers as they approach your car to talk to you about speeding.

Maxx  

[Turboguy]

Maxx to be honest, I don't think American gals are any better when the divorce starts.   Even without a divorce.   I had one gal I dated for a long time and could not get rid of no matter how hard I tried.   She filed false DV charges against me.  Actaully she had pulled knives on me, broken into my house, my office and my apartment.  I moved someplace to try and get away from her and woke up at 4 am.  She was straddled over me holding a sharp screwdriver pointed at my face.  Fortunately the police decided she was a quack and did not press things at all.

 

[TigerPaws]

Turbo I have seen too many examples of good girls suddenly doing bad girl things to trust them. My rule of thumb is never trust any RW/UW when a marriage is breaking up before she has her green card in her hand. It's like the cops with their hands resting on their revolvers as they approach your car to talk to you about speeding.

Maxx  

Maxx,

 That is why I highly suggest a man have a quality prenup agreement drawn up before he proceeds with the K1. If the girl balks move on to the next  girl, it is as simple as that, if you do not protect yourself no one else will.

 

[Maxx]

Actually RW/UW are worse than AW in my opinion on this issue. The reason is that an American woman does not have worry about deportation orders to return to the FSU or not getting a work authorisation card. She does not need official evidence of abuse evidence to file a petition to prevent this. About 4000 FSU women every year enter the US as K-1's and K-3's. Twice that number of I-360 spousal petitions are filed every year with the INS. It is expected at the local INS service centers that an abuse charge will be made if a marriage breaks up with a FSU women before she gets her Green Card. This is what was told to C5. This was told to me 4 times by different INS employees (special agent, service desk person, I.C.E. investigator and retired District Director of the INS of 3 States).  

Oftentimes in order to get this official evidence of abuse to file the petition the husband winds up in jail, in court and facing getting a criminal record. I got a call from a special agent of the INS (before my marriage ended). He said to me "There are men like you with spotless records who now have criminal records because they married Russian woman." I asked him why. He said "Because they file false charges on them so they can stay. Be careful. You are walking on thin ice" I am one of 10's of thousands of men with immigrant ex-wives who have had this happen to them. I avoided the criminal charge but did get a civil charge. This is why I urge guys to be careful and not take any chances. I am for marriage with a woman from the FSU I just am not for doing it without using allot of care and common sense.

Maxx

     

[TigerPaws]

Maxx,

Agreed!