How to court an aloof, temperamental and capricious Russian woman?

[JR]

If I were a betting man I'd put my money on my GF over
your "lady in Pitr." who you had 22 emails with, anyday. 

The difference being I didn't ask mine to marry me, did I?

But I was married for ten years to a RW woman I could describe as aloof, tempermantal, etc. and I can tell you it was no pleasure cruise. And my whole point is this...you don't know what it is like to marry another human being. How is bonds you to them. You are treating it lightly because you are bored, tired of being alone and think this will solve many, if not all of your problems.

I am glad you are airing your concerns here and I hope you will take the advice given here to heart and not turn a blind eye as I did.

[Jumper]

Canadaman-
understand you cant paint the whole picture,
you know her ,we don't

her actions in our minds are likely going to be negative from the adjectives you use to describe her?
I'm sure she has good qualities as well ,or you wouldn't be spending time with her.

i should read the other thread referenced..

[XMan]

I once ignored some frank, powerful, sincere, and sage advice from a very close friend, and I paid for it later. 
I remember it quite clearly now, although it was about an AW who later destroyed my life, and not an RW/UW.     
It went something like this:  Run Away!
I am certainly not privy to all the details of your situation. 
But I have a gut feeling that same advice applies. 
Good luck, regardless.

[Gator]

Canadaman,

I sense you are trying to let loose and that is good. 

You are correct to relax your standards if those standards have been so high as to eliminate everyone.  However, you still must have some standards. 

For sure, no one is perfect.  There are imperfections and then there are imperfections.  What you describe would drive many men crazy.  You can tolerate this woman because you see her for 10 days and then return to the tranquility and sanity of your life alone.  Would not this sanity and tranquility disappear if she were with you full time.

My wife was much more enjoyable when we were dating and seeing each other for 2-4 weeks then living apart for two months.

What troubles me the most is that you seem to have a sign around your neck saying "Wife Vacancy."  From what you tell us, this woman is not a good tenant for your vacancy.

[tfcrew]

Another question placed in wrong forum here?
? to ladies and except for Doll who should be able to post anywhere.

OK Canadian guy...Total agreement with KenC.
I was married to Svetlana & a little younger than you.
That part about this lady wanting to go back to Russia 4 or 5 times a Year?
Bogus.

Find a woman like my Svetlana...an only child, folks have passed away..no real relatives ties except her only son who was bound to immigrate this country one way or another anyway and wasn't all that close to his Dad.

Wasn't that my wife just had to cut and run out of Ukraine.
We met and it all happened.
The old expression ...there's other fish.......
Karl

[RussianWind]

I am on your side, CanadaMan.
Something worries her and you have to find out what exactly. Maybe the distance between Canada and Perm. A fear that she won't be able to visit her family. A fear of living her daughter on her own. A fear of leaving her older parents who can have some health problems. Lot's of things.

I think you should get her in Canada to stay some time with you and she will calm down with her worries when sees that problems are not so big as she thinks.

All signs what our dear men pointed here as negative... I can easily explain her possible motivations but sorry have no time at the moment. Utro says I have to sleep sometimes 

[JR]

Utro says I have to sleep sometimes 

Are you sleeping with Utro now? And here I thought I was the only man you wanted to have sex with(((((

[Aloe]

Not sure about your GF, but i would turn into a very "aloof, temperamental and capricious" girl when i was trying to get a guy to NOT like me during our first meeting. Not very mature, i know, but i just really hate hurting people, so try to do it that way    It never works though, they always sticked around and tried to make it work  sigh
Her good-bye sounds like she doesnt love you, and she probably shouldnt after 10 days only, but when i was saying good-bye to my hubby on our first meeting we hugged and cried  Maybe she just doesnt fall in love quickly, or maybe she isnt attracted to you at all? But if she replies to your proposal with "ill check how much tuition is, and then let you know" (by the way, let you know what? Her answer to your proposal or let u know how much the tuition is?), sounds like she only wants you because you can provide for her daughters education, thats all.  

[CanadaMan]

...Her good-bye sounds like she doesnt love you, and she probably shouldnt after 10 days only, but when i was saying good-bye to my hubby on our first meeting we hugged and cried  Maybe she just doesnt fall in love quickly, or maybe she isnt attracted to you at all?

I am sure she doesn't love me at this point in time. She talked about how much time it usually takes for her to fall in love (more than a few weeks) and she certainly hasn't told me she loves me. She is attracted to me. Yes I was disappointed with how she said goodbye at the airport, but what can you do? That's just the way she is.

But if she replies to your proposal with "ill check how much tuition is, and then let you know" (by the way, let you know what? Her answer to your proposal or let u know how much the tuition is?), sounds like she only wants you because you can provide for her daughters education, thats all.  

She would let me know how much the tuition was and then I would tell her if I could afford it.

The thing I don't get at all (maybe you can help me here) is this tuition part.
Maybe it was just used as a stalling tactic.

I don't get it because, if I wasn't in the picture at all, I didn't exist, she never met me, how would she pay for this tuition? She could never afford it on her own.

So no matter how much money I have, it would be better than what she could manage on her own.

The other cynical way to look at it would be, she's waiting to find a man who can definitely afford it, and if I can't then I may not be good enough.

One more piece of the puzzle:
She has an older daughter who works two jobs; her husband is a writer.
An unpublished writer.

Maybe she fears she would be the breadwinner in our marriage?

[KenC]

I am sure she doesn't love me at this point in time. She talked about how much time it usually takes for her to fall in love (more than a few weeks) and she certainly hasn't told me she loves me. She is attracted to me. Yes I was disappointed with how she said goodbye at the airport, but what can you do? That's just the way she is.

Wait until the appropriate emotional commitment is displayed?

She would let me know how much the tuition was and then I would tell her if I could afford it.

The thing I don't get at all (maybe you can help me here) is this tuition part.
Maybe it was just used as a stalling tactic.

She is sizing up your wallet.  If it is fat enough to afford her needs.

I don't get it because, if I wasn't in the picture at all, I didn't exist, she never met me, how would she pay for this tuition? She could never afford it on her ownSo no matter how much money I have, it would be better than what she could manage on her own..

Do you have such little self worth that money is your only gage?

The other cynical way to look at it would be, she's waiting to find a man who can definitely afford it, and if I can't then I may not be good enough.

Cynical?   It is clear that your financial abilities are more important than anything else you have to offer.

One more piece of the puzzle:
She has an older daughter who works two jobs; her husband is a writer.
An unpublished writer.

Maybe she fears she would be the breadwinner in our marriage?

Look Canadaman, you seem like a decent guy and your RW may or may not be a decent woman, but do you clearly understand what it is you are doing here?  You both are entering into a very personal and emotional bond of marriage based on anything but emotion or personal wants and needs.  It is all about the money.  From her side, if you have enough to provide for her needs.  And you, leading with your wallet as if it is your only redeeming value.  I cannot understand a man that is actually proud to be measured and weighed like you seem to be.

Dude, this is heading for a disaster!  Money for fake love never works in the long run.
KenC

[BillyB]

i would turn into a very "aloof, temperamental and capricious" girl when i was trying to get a guy to NOT like me during our first meeting. Not very mature, i know, but i just really hate hurting people, so try to do it that way    It never works though, they always sticked around and tried to make it work  sigh

Why don't you ladies just say "NO!!!!!" Many guy don't "get it" and they can't take a hint so they continue to stick around no matter how much you punish them. Thanks for saying what you did Aloe. Men need to understand how you ladies try to get rid of us in a "nice" way.

Guys need to wake up and start seeing the signs. If a woman wants you in her life, she will not put up all kinds of barriers and resistance.

Canadaman, my policy if I go visit a woman is that I will not propose on the first meeting but I will go home knowing if I do or don't have an exclusive relationship with her and I will have a clear understanding which direction we are heading. You do not know which way you're heading but feel pressured to get married since time is running out. If I were in your shoes, I would be on the phone with other women right now. If you were a fine catch in the eyes of the lady you visited, she would try to make sure you are not getting away. I believe she is keeping her options open for a better match or catch.

[RussianWind]

Are you sleeping with Utro now? And here I thought I was the only man you wanted to have sex with(((((

I just keep your place warm... what's wrong with that, honey? 

CanadaMan, if something bothers you, why don't you ask direct questions? We can offer million versions and no one may be correct.

[greg2654]

Hello CanadaMan,
What you're doing sounds like a self arranged marriage where it's not based on love but based on fulfilling each others needs. If you at least "like" each other the hope is that this can develop into love over time. I completely support this, in fact I think this is a much more solid ground to build a relationship on then simply sexual attraction.

Where I see a problem:  Know what you want and be able to tell her.

She seems fairly clear on what she is expecting from you. Sufficient income to keep her living good and be able to put her daughter through college. All fair and reasonable.
What I don't see anywhere is what YOU are expecting from this arrangement. Just to not be alone is not good enough. You need to have a crystal clear idea of what you want from this marriage and not try to figure it out as you go. Otherwise in a few years you're going to get sick and tired of keeping her up on a pedestal, tending to all her needs. You're going to resent her and wonder "What about me?". You'll get angry at her and she's not going to know why. Well remember, all you wanted was company.

Don't get married until everything is said, understood and agreed to.

[UTRO]

Utro says I have to sleep sometimes 

Svetlana??.... is that you zhenushka?!?!?   

[CanadaMan]

I once ignored some frank, powerful, sincere, and sage advice from a very close friend, and I paid for it later. .. 
It went something like this:  Run Away!
I am certainly not privy to all the details of your situation. 
But I have a gut feeling that same advice applies. 
Good luck, regardless.

Hey Xman, I just read your trip report and first want to congratulate you on a successful trip!

I was left scratching my head though because many of the signals you described in your report that you received from your LIQ were the same ones I was receiving from my LIQ.

Anyways, we are in close contact now and are starting to plan our next meeting.
Will keep everyone posted as things develop.