Photos of ex(s)

[BillyB]

Some people can handle it, some can't. My father and step father can sit down, have coffee and laugh together in each others house. Regardless what anybody here thinks, your wife can't stand the thought of other women's photos from your past in the house where you can occasionally peek at them. She may get the feeling when you two are making love, you are thinking about the other women.  My past women aren't important and I stay focused on what's in front of me. I can't even remember some of my ex gf's names.

Now everything is under lock in one obscure part of my workshop...

Taking them from one place and putting it in another is not the solution and can only make things worse if she finds them again. She needs to accept what you want or you need to accept what she wants. Marriage with wife or photos of past women. Which is more important?

[Yaz]

A few years ago, I brought my fiance to America.  Threw out everything relating to past girlfriends.  But I missed some pictures of an ex-girlfriend that were five years old.  I didn't even know I had them.  Wow!  She waited until I got home to rip them in half in front of me.

I really can not understand why anyone would find it so important to have pics of old ex(s) when they are married.  Really!  What's more important - a picture that helps bring back a memory or something that is hurtful to your current spouse?  Even if the spouse claims to be okay with it, "Why keep it?"

I would not want my wife to have pics of old bf's.

[wiz]

I really can not understand why anyone would find it so important to have pics of old ex(s) when they are married.  Really!  What's more important - a picture that helps bring back a memory or something that is hurtful to your current spouse?  Even if the spouse claims to be okay with it, "Why keep it?"

I would not want my wife to have pics of old bf's.

Like it or not we all had a past, good and bad memories and new partners should accept that.  The one's who don't accept it, are those who have no self confidence and are very immature or insecure in their relationships. Naturally a RW moving to another country doesn't want to see all the photos in display from his husbands past but that doesn't mean that he has to destroy them, just to keep her happy. Keeping them in boxes or in albums away from public view is not hurting anybody. Does it?

I am sure after a year or two when your wife has adjusted to her new life, feels secure about your relationship, then she will have no problem with you keeping these photos. If your wife is just inclined to be insecure and suspicious about everything you do or done in the past then she will go digging to find reasons to argue with you or to try and assert some kind of control over your life and that in my book is out of order.

Personally I have no problem if my wife has kept photos or letters from her past and have never asked her much about her past relationships or went looking to find anything in any of our houses, here in UK or in Russia. She was also made fully aware of everything in my past and also made to her clear that she has no right or permission to destroy anything from my past!

My past is my past and our present is our present and as such she has accepted for what and who I am. She says that she has no problems except a small one about my previous (last)Tatar RW. To be honest I can't understand why, as I have never given her a reason to suspect something wrong in my behaviour and I can only think probably is something in the Tatar culture as she never said anything about my other Russian women before her!

Actually my ex wife, the mother of my two sons who has a partner for over 15 years, is keep asking me about her and how she is doing and if she is happy with her life in the UK and few times gave me advice on how to help her to adjust and to find a job etc. I guess when time will come and they will meet there will be no problem between them, especially as my two sons and grandchildren are very fond of my new wife too!

Agree with Olga and Luda, the past is the past and if not for it, our husbands would not have been the way they were when we fell in love with them.  We are all the sum of our past experiences, including relationships.

Absolutely! 

[Gator]

I removed almost all of them, keeping only those that captured a special event (my parents' 50th anniversary, a son's accomplishment, etc.). 

Of those with just the ex- and me and no other family members, I  kept just one (it showed a "full house" fishing trip - we caught five different highly sought fish:  Blue Marlin, sailfish, wahoo, bull dolphin and tuna).  My AW wife at the time cut her head from another photo and pasted it over the then ex-'s head.  She had a sense of humor. 

Even worse, my friends and even my father mistakenly would refer to her using my ex's name (her name was similar to the ex's and they had a similar look).  She laughed it off even though I could tell that she did not like it.  I mounted a campaign to  give her a nickname and made sure everyone used the nickname.

The fishing photo is still there.  The RW wife said nothing, as in NOTHING.

[kievstar]

Regarding photos if you have no children why keep the ex's photos - why live in the past.  I had one photo I have of my three dogs in it (only photo with all three of them together) - also had ex in it.  After a week, I tore it up.  Did this before new wife came over.

Now if you have children with ex that is a little different. 

My mother has numerous photos of my ex and she even displays one from a wedding of a cousin (family photo).  My mother puts it away before my wife comes over.  We visit 1-2 times a year so not a big deal to hid it.

That is a nice fishing photo you have Gator.  I would have kept that one myself and scanned it on the computer and replaced ex with a face of a friend of yours.

[mies]

The only photo where I am with my ex is my eldest daughter bedroom because she wants to keep it.

A few years ago, I brought my fiance to America.  Threw out everything relating to past girlfriends.  But I missed some pictures of an ex-girlfriend that were five years old.  I didn't even know I had them.  Wow!  She waited until I got home to rip them in half in front of me.

I really can not understand why anyone would find it so important to have pics of old ex(s) when they are married.  Really!  What's more important - a picture that helps bring back a memory or something that is hurtful to your current spouse?  Even if the spouse claims to be okay with it, "Why keep it?"

I would not want my wife to have pics of old bf's.

now, as i give more thought to it, I agree with Kievstar. What if there are children from first/previous marriage, and family photos - with ex- and a child/children - should a man destroy all photos where his ex- appears, destroying photos with his children too?

[Blues Fairy]

She waited until I got home to rip them in half in front of me.

 :seething:

[Yaz]

Well, let's think of some of the most extreme cases.  Pictures of children with the ex.  Hmmmm..... Are you living in the past or the future?  If it upsets your wife, the question is still the same, "Why keep the pictures?"  A long time ago, I was engaged to a girl that had a child.  Wanted to adopt him too.  Imagine how I felt when we were all together, having a great time and she said, "Everytime I look at him, he reminds me of his father."  Everyone I know that has dated someone with children has heard that same comment.  Although true, all of them did not like hearing it.  Now imagine how your mate would feel seeing you keep a picture of the ex and kids.  I highly doubt if the person would say anything.  But it certainly would not help the marriage.  You can put it in a drawer.  Maybe she will think of it only once in a while.  Maybe it will eat at her slowly everytime she looks at the drawer.  So, what is more important?  To some people, it is keeping the photo.

Oh!  If anyone wants to call me immature again.  Go ahead.  But I think it's always better to come-up with more rational and logical arguments.

[Seeker]

now, as i give more thought to it, I agree with Kievstar. What if there are children from first/previous marriage, and family photos - with ex- and a child/children - should a man destroy all photos where his ex- appears, destroying photos with his children too?

I think we all need to understand that the people we love are normal people, and have a 'past'.

The past makes us what we are, and if we truly love them, why would we want to rob them of it?

[UTRO]

Yaz, certainly we can see the basic issue you present.
But, if your girlfriend/wife and you have a dedicated loving relationship, why should there be any jealousy or suspicion?
Realistically, anyone jealous of some old photos of Ex's at the bottom of a box buried 7ft deep in the back of a closet needs to reflect on how silly that is and why they feel that way. Out of respect to my wife, those photos are in a box god knows where....
Out of sight, out of mind.

[wiz]

..... if your girlfriend/wife and you have a dedicated loving relationship, why should there be any jealousy or suspicion?

Realistically, anyone jealous of some old photos of Ex's at the bottom of a box buried 7ft deep in the back of a closet needs to reflect on how silly that is and why they feel that way.

Out of respect to my wife, those photos are in a box god knows where.... Out of sight, out of mind.

Absolutely agreed!

I have a cubbot where I keep all my papers and certain other valuable items and there there is a box with all my photos from the past! My wife went through every single one of them and she had no problem with it, because she knows how much I love her and she also knows I do not live in my past! She had plenty of time to observe my behaviour and that of my exe's and children!

Under no circumstances I will destroy any photos which include my children and to be honest our wall in the living room is full of them and my grandchildren, including me and my current wife. All other photos with my exe's are in that box, I mentioned before and will stay there for ever.

If any woman is feeling that insecure because of the photos from the past, then in my view it is advisable to review her relationship and her feelings towards her husband too.

The whole situation is absurd and absultely stupid and if any woman is exhibiting such behaviour then for me is a RED flag!

I would have never married my wife if she was behaving like that and her little problem with my previous Tatar woman is slowly becoming a thing of the past as she has not mentioned anything for the past 6 months! The only explanation for this little problem I can think of is because that previous Tatar woman, after giving her the elbow and moved on, for the next year and a half she has chased me around for a revenge everywhere trying to destroy my relationship with my now wife! Of course my wife was/is very weary of her behaviour as she hates having problems in her life, which of course is very understandable!

Well now that woman is history and has dissapeared from these boards too.

[roykirk]

Very interesting topic!  My wife found it "odd" that I still had photos of my ex-wife, especially considering that we had no kids together.  She didn't insist I get rid of them, but just noticing that it hurt and/or bothered her a bit, I considered things carefully before getting defensive.  My first thought was that I had a right to keep them because they reminded me of important events or places we visited.  But the more I thought about that, I realized that I had plenty of photos with just me in these places or at these events (my ex and I were both shutterbugs, one Christmas celebration might result in 30 or 40 different photos/a vacation would result in hundreds) to remind me of them.  Why would I want to keep those photos of me and my ex together or photos of just my ex?  What I ended up doing was throwing out or (in the case of digital photos) deleting photos that featured just me and my ex or my ex by herself.  The more I thought about it the more I realized I had no use for keeping them.  It's not like I wanted memories around of a marriage that ended very badly, especially considering we had no kids that would still link me to this person in some important way. 

Just my thoughts on the matter and how I handled it.

[docetae]

Hello

Just a little feedback. I have kept everything. Albums with family photos are in the bedroom of my eldest daughter, I consider this is belonging to her more than to me now.

Photos of some my ex GF are in box with first love letters. I kept them for one good reason: When my grand mother passed away, it was a pleasure to read part of her life that even my mother did not know about.

I have a big family with people around the world. I am the first in North America (some in Europe, South America, Africa, Asia..)  I keep all photos as part of our common history.

I deleted some of them but everything now is sorted out and in good order

[wiz]

Hello

Just a little feedback. I have kept everything. Albums with family photos are in the bedroom of my eldest daughter, I consider this is belonging to her more than to me now.

Photos of some my ex GF are in box with first love letters. I kept them for one good reason: When my grand mother passed away, it was a pleasure to read part of her life that even my mother did not know about.

I have a big family with people around the world. I am the first in North America (some in Europe, South America, Africa, Asia..)  I keep all photos as part of our common history.

I deleted some of them but everything now is sorted out and in good order

I also think that these family photos belong also to my sons and they are entitled to have such memmentos from their parents life.

My family is also spread around the world and the best way to keep up with news, especially showing photos is by having private web sites where all photos are posted, for the others to see.

Since I retired I got a request from both my son's to write about my family tree and also about my own life and I wil start doing it one day because my son's want to have something to show to their children, so they know the family history. I have already asked and got the information from my wife's mother so the new branch of the family tree is completed......

Like you, I was amazed to discover letters and writings of my father and learned a lot about his life during the WWII and what he is been up to and there is a lot to be proud of!

Well a woman who is not strong enough to accept that her husband had a history, as she also did too, then in my view she is very insecure if she is unhappy about it. It is of course important that your past life does not interfere in any way in your new married life causing problems.

Our life is not a blackboard where we can deleted everything and there are plenty of memories we like to keep in our mind.

[Fashionista]

I am starting to feel that self-confidence and feeling secure about oneself is overrated in Western society – especially in the US. Let me give you a metaphor. It will be maybe shocking but bear with me.  You know what  the basic standard of hygiene for hotel bathrooms is? A hotel bathroom should look so the next guest would feel like he is the first person using it. It can’t be just clean, but it should look untouched. Surely it’s an illusion but is there anybody among you, secure people, who is willing to let it slide? There is probably something fundamental in being insecure in intimate situation and basic need of protection of privacy – whatever illusionary it would be. If you find a band-aide in your canned tuna you should understand that it probably very well sterilized for now and absolutely can’t harm a secure, well-educated person, but would you lick it over and keep eating?

[GQBlues]

Strange. 5 hours after your posting, I'm still 'eBearing' whatever point you're trying to make with your metaphor. Apologies as I don't get it. Care to elaborate a bit more?

I had a difficult time transitioning from the hotel bathroom bit to licking a band-aid found in a canned tuna, then extrapolating that with pictures of ex-GFs/wives and self-assurances etc...

[Seeker]

Strange. 5 hours after your posting, I'm still 'eBearing' whatever point you're trying to make with your metaphor. Apologies as I don't get it. Care to elaborate a bit more?

I had a difficult time transitioning from the hotel bathroom bit to licking a band-aid found in a canned tuna, then extrapolating that with pictures of ex-GFs/wives and self-assurances etc...

I understood, but I admit I tend to think in metaphors easily.  The whole "poet" thing.

[GQBlues]

LOL, well don't be shy then...indulge me.

[Seeker]

LOL, well don't be shy then...indulge me.

Not being shy... But it is not up to me to explain, unless I wrote it.  And that is hard enough.  My interpretation wouldn't be as accurate as the author's.  Maybe it is because I am reading "Notes from Underground" and I am in the right frame of mind to understand this type of metaphor.   

[Fashionista]

OK, if metaphores don't come across easily, I'll try from another end...

BillyB said that some people will have a problem with this and some will not. D's wife does (whether you understand the reason expressed by my metaphor or not, it's not important), and what followed is boo! boo! she's got low self esteem.  Well first off, high self esteem isnt something to congratulate yourself with. The other word for unconditional high self-esteem is denial. After many year of hearing mantras about self esteem here in north America I'm finally starting to get close to understanding what behind it and where it comes from, but that's another conversation.  

Back to the topic.  What is more important, purely theoretically, the love that is here and now, or some illusion of love that was technically waste of time, because it didnt work out? If you love this person in front of you, how difficult is it to stop living in the past, stop loving just the memory of yourslef, and start living now? How precious are these memories and documents after all, we are not Mata Haris.   For some people it is, but that opens another can of worms. If the wife feels subconciously betrayed, even for a reason that husband finds ridiculous, what's gonna happen next? She doesn't feel supported, she may start thinking of things that will be on par with what the husband is doing (in her mind). Just hypothetical. What if one thing leads to another and marriage eventually falls apart? Where will be your self-esteem then?

How about instead of keeping the shrine of your ex's (which in other words means of yourself), you move to Russia, where now she's surrounded with friends, parents (and ex's  ) and make your family work there? Then I say, keep the stupid pictures  

[Blues Fairy]

Well first off, high self esteem isnt something to congratulate yourself with. The other word for unconditional high self-esteem is denial.

Denial of what?  If husband keeps photos of his ex(es) in a box in his study, and wife knows and is okay with it; what is she in denial of, precisely?

[groovlstk]

FWIW,

Before my wife arrived, I went through my home and got rid of anything that might not be appropriate (old correspondence w/GFs, long-forgotten photos stuck in envelopes at the bottom of closets, etc.). I did, however, keep photos of some old GFs if the circumstances of the photo (e.g., my parents' 40th wedding anniversary) were important to me.

My wife wasn't thrilled the first time she saw these photos but we talked about it and she understood. Over time the issue disappeared completely and now, every once in awhile, she'll look at these photos again and ask me questions about my life back then, not in an interrogating manner but simply as a way of getting to know what I was like 20 years before we met.

I'm very glad I didn't give in to the impulse to purge my past, particularly since after my parents died I realized that all the memories I have of them are all I'll ever have.

Anyway, my take on this issue is that it's a very personal one, and every couple has to approach it their own way as there is no clear right or wrong answer.

[Jumper]

Answer this:
Why are ANY photos taken and kept  in the first place? wether of family, friends ,places, flowers ,artifacts, animals?
why is this so popular?
because it preserves a bit of the past, and memories ,and it's  a very basic human need.

One of the  underlying reasons behind art,, even a cavemans scriblings on a stone wall


If you can't respect another's wishes to have a few memories or snapshots of their life,
 perhaps you need  to start  relationship after they have a had  a full brain eraser procedure?

What if they have memoirs or  a dairy? that should be burned to?

Those same photos exist in their head,if you tear  them up, or paste your own head over them, it will only strenghen
the internal memory.


To those who  feel it is simple *just throw them away*
yes that the simple solution.To be the more grown as  an individual..

but the person with the issue, is the one needing to reflect and grow up as a person.
if the photos arnt displayed publicly,
and if the  partner doesn't sit looking at them daily for hours reliving the past,
Then the photos are simply occasional  reminders of  some  moment in thier life.
if that bothers someone,it is their problem , and it is an opportunity for them to think about it ,and  to grow.


To that same person that wants the photos gone-
if something dreadful happened to their special person right now,today..
,odds are great that tomorrow they would want to have and keep  a few photos of their time together..
how long ,and of what importance is up to them, not someone that comes into their life in later years.
so asking someone else to remove photos of a past,, when in fact they themselves would want to keep some of the person they are with,,is a bit hypocritical.

Those type of requests are  merely possesive and jealousy driven,
 if it was a close plutonic friend, not one word would be spoken.
so to mask it as anything else is silly.
and it is jealousy most likely over someone not in your life,jealousy over a possible fond  memory.

I lost my first wife in an accident,so if anyone was crass enough to ask me to tear up or get rid of photos of my ex..
they are certainly not the type of person i want to spend my life with.

It wouldn't be my insistence on keeping them or on holding on to the past, as my memories would remain regardless?
I simply expect, and insist, that the person i'm involved with be more open minded and mature about such things.
If they arn't  then we are not  compatible as a couple  anyway,regardless of photos.
I certainly wouldn't expect them to live up to a memory of a ghost either!!
but i would expect them to respect my past..

i would also expect any person i was involved with to keep photos of their past friends and family,
and  if they kept typical photos of an ex ,i would find that  a positive,
certainly not  a negative.

if i met someone who had destroyed all evidence of any past long term relationships,,
it would be a huge question about their growth as a person,and without some good explanation,would be viewed as a negative for sure.
It would indicate they live only in the present and future..(which is ok)
or that they had a bad relationships,,but more likely it would indicate they had not at that point in their life ever had a long term relationship that ended with some goods memories.

I think this question ,as groov indicated , doesn't really have  a right or wrong answer,
situations and even age has bit to do with it ,,
a 40 or 50 year old person without a decent relationship background, likely has some internal issues
Someone ,much younger ,without  as much life experience may not have any relationship background worth preserving..


anyway-  If i ever felt the need to destroy someone else's old photos,
i would simply bow out of a relationship that i would  obviously not ready for,or look deep in myself to see why i felt jealousy or resentment over something as simple and basic as someone else's memory.  While it's  natural to feel some of that ,  not to the point of asking someone else to not  have these memories.

[wiz]

Well first off, high self esteem isnt something to congratulate yourself with. The other word for unconditional high self-esteem is denial. After many year of hearing mantras about self esteem here in north America I'm finally starting to get close to understanding what behind it and where it comes from, but that's another conversation.  

Why having high self esteem is a form of denial?

What do I have to deny at present if I am self confident?

Never heard so much rubbish in my life!

I don't live in America but makes no difference and as it happens the problem it's yours and not of the person who has self esteem. You obviously have insecurity problems, probably inferiority complex and low self esteem, if you want your partner to destroy photos from his past, which are kept in box because I don't think any sensible man will sit and wallow infront of his wife by looking his photos from the past!

Who said or implied that by keeping photos of our past we continue living in the past and not at present?

AJ said that by destroying all your photos from the past you erase any traces of your previous life and that in my view is a big RED flag and I would have never married a person who has done that. The conclusion is obvious, she had something to hide for which she is ashamed of...... and hiding secrets as such is a recepie for dissaster in any normal marriage, because the truth somehow always surfice sometime later.

Any how read AJ post and try to understand what he is talking about as I agree with everything he has to say!

Good luck with your LOW self esteem!

[GQBlues]

Fashionista-

Thanks for the explanation. I still can't make the correlation with your metaphor but at least I better understand where you're coming from now - thus your conviction.

I'm not exactly sure if there's a distinct difference between westerners and easterners when it comes to finding value in romanticizing aspects of their past. Would you say Russians are not as sentimental as say, (North) Americans? If the answer is yes, maybe that's where the difference in perspective lie.

I happen to disagree that having a high self-esteem is a sure sign of a person's sense of denial. I've reached a point with my wife that she will forever be in my heart unconditionally, as very few people had in my past. Whatever happens in the future will not change that feeling. I cannot remove her value in me, my life and being simply because, hypothetically, we're no longer together or can no longer be together. This goes for much of the ex-GFs I've happily shared moments in the life and past before, and those of my kin.

For me, pictures are mere tokens of my own and personal sentiment. I find value in them even if they are tucked away, as I do and will with all those I hold and held dear in my life.