RW extremely jealous .. very attention seeking

[heyduh]

I met her just over 1 year ago and married her about 6 months ago .. I'm in my late 30s and she is mid 20s, we are both good looking but she is quite stunning. I've had past relationships but never married .. she knows of couple of my ex's .. and keeps bringing them up .. my RW shows so much jealousy towards someone who is no longer in my life. it is a constant battle .. even when we go out i have to be careful not to be found looking at another women (i don't stare, but even a glance will be met with drama) .. she can be jealous of any non family young female i have a conversation with or talk about  .. and some female cousins too

she says it is because her experience in FSU .. most guys cheated etc (but ofcourse none of them dared to cheat on her) .. her dad/mom went through ugly divorce and now he is with younger woman ..

the jealousy is eating into our otherwise wonderful relationship .. we meet on so many levels, physical, emotional, mental .. however her baseless jealousy drives me nuts. i don't understand it. she is a solid 10 and who would want to even think about another woman? certainly not me ..

she is also very sensitive and requires so much attention, constant reassurance of my love for her. its an emo drain. advice! thanks

[Boethius]

You should go for counselling jointly, and she needs independent counselling.  Even with that, she is not going to change unless she (a) sees this as a problem, and (b) wants to change.

I think you also have to decide if, long term, you can live with this.  If not, she needs to be told.

[SMS60]

There is no doubt this will emotionally drain a person. It will suck you dry if you dont solve the problem.

How do you react to this nonsense?

[heyduh]

my reaction is where i need advice. over the past couple of months i seem to be falling into the trap of constantly reassuring her, through actions, words .. at times i feel like i'm walking on eggshells .. when she explodes she needs a good half hour to a couple of hours of reassurance .. at this rate i feel like i'll be her puppy dog soon :-/

she realizes she has a problem .. wants to work on it, finds all sorts of reasons to explain why she feels and reacts this way .. but it is a weekly issue right now

[tfcrew]

I met her just over 1 year ago and married her about 6 months ago ..  wonderful relationship .. 

That was sure fast [at least on a K visa...]

[SMS60]

Sounds like when she swells up like a tick you keep feeding her.

Its hard to know how to react because everyone is different. But I could not continue feeding her when she feels offended. The question is how far will she goe when shes about ready to burst. If you feel she will stick by you I would try withdrawing the reassurance to a point.

Anytime she puffs up, you leave her presence. Go for a walk. Go to another room. If you are walking in the mall and she acts up tell her your going to the car and will meet her there. Just use a couple of words to describe what your doing. No emotions, ect. Like say "thats enough" and leave.

This will feel hard to do but a light might go off in her head.

[Boethius]

Sounds like when she swells up like a tick you keep feeding her.

Its hard to know how to react because everyone is different. But I could not continue feeding her when she feels offended. The question is how far will she goe when shes about ready to burst. If you feel she will stick by you I would try withdrawing the reassurance to a point.

Anytime she puffs up, you leave her presence. Go for a walk. Go to another room. If you are walking in the mall and she acts up tell her your going to the car and will meet her there. Just use a couple of words to describe what your doing. No emotions, ect. Like say "thats enough" and leave.

This will feel hard to do but a light might go off in her head.

The problem is that approach will not change her behaviour long term.  The behaviour, and its causes, need to be confronted head on.

[SMS60]

The problem is that approach will not change her behaviour long term.  The behaviour, and its causes, need to be confronted head on.

I would say a good dose of reality is as head on as you can get.

[Ade]

my reaction is where i need advice. over the past couple of months i seem to be falling into the trap of constantly reassuring her, through actions, words .. at times i feel like i'm walking on eggshells .. when she explodes she needs a good half hour to a couple of hours of reassurance .. at this rate i feel like i'll be her puppy dog soon :-/

she realizes she has a problem .. wants to work on it, finds all sorts of reasons to explain why she feels and reacts this way .. but it is a weekly issue right now

Boethius is right. She needs counselling. I was in a similar situation with my ex and over the years it just escalated to the point where I could do nothing to placate her insane jealousy. Eventually she was convinced I was having numerous affairs and even her boss was pregnant by me in her mind even though I never went anywhere without her. I really could tell you some stories that would make your hair stand on end. The insecurities with my ex stemmed from repressed memories of sexual abuse when she was a small child that manifested as this neurosis in her late twenties and early thirties; this came out after we split up and when she'd been under a psychiatrist for some time. Although I'm not saying your wife experienced anything similar or will have a psychotic break like my ex, it's better to deal with this as early as possible and see a professional that can help you both deal with your situation before it scars your realtionship irrevocably.

Good luck.   

[FredC]

There are 2 issues here. First is you allow people to treat you as you desire. If the way she is reacting to you is unacceptable, tell her so and then demand that she treat you accordingly. This holds true with any person.

The second is really a self fulfilling prophecy. She is sure that you will leave her/cheat so she keeps testing you. The pay off for her is all of that reassurance time that you give her. When you have finally had enough of her behavior and leave, she will be able to justify her behavior with the sentiment that see, all men are dogs and leave/cheat. So afterall everything is not her fault.

Just how I see things.

Fred

[groovlstk]

FWIW, my wife was very jealous when we first married, also. It faded in time and now (we've been married just over 3 years) I tease her about it, but when she first arrived it caused her a lot of needless anxiety.

I'm sure there are underlying psychological reasons for this behavior, and people here will tend to focus on that, but IMHO it's a pretty natural reaction when you start living 24/7 with someone you spent only a few weeks with prior to engagement (and I don't know your story so I'm making the assumption you guys did not have an extended period of living together prior to marriage, like most of us here, so correct me if I'm wrong).

And no, I didn't play "tough love" with my wife over this. I reassured her when needed, made jokes to point out how ridiculous some of her worries were, and never showed even the slightest hint that any of this worried me (which was the truth). It disappeared soon enough.

I'd also say that yes, there are many times you'll have to stand your ground while you're both feeling your way through the transition period, but be very very careful when the subject matter is your relationship (and not, e.g., who cleans the bathroom).

[Ade]

There are 2 issues here. First is you allow people to treat you as you desire. If the way she is reacting to you is unacceptable, tell her so and then demand that she treat you accordingly. This holds true with any person.

Demand? You obviously have never interacted with anyone like this. Demanding will get you nowhere fast. Of course, it's simplified if you don't care enough about someone to actually try to help fix what is broken; that way, if your "demands" don't work you can just up and leave, right?  

[groovlstk]

Demand? You obviously have never interacted with anyone like this. Demanding will get you nowhere fast. Of course, it's simplified if you don't care enough about someone to actually try to help fix what is broken; that way, if your "demands" don't work you can just up and leave, right?  

I agree w/SJ, and I'm not surprised at the inevitable "be a man!" responses that always dominate threads wherein someone is asking for advice about a relationship problem. (Wait, scratch that, if the OP is a female the chorus usually recommends she stop complaining and go clean.)

I'd also be curious if the tough love guys would be true to their words in the same situation - if I were single I'd be cheering them on because it would mean the immediate availability of one more beautiful, eligible, local RW who is not getting one of the Big Three (love, sex, and financial stability) from hubby and is fielding offers.

[SMS60]

And of course you have the predictable "lip service" posters who show up and criticize the advice given and offer the typical BS advice of.....????? Don't do anything and suffer. Oh wait.....me,me,me,me, my wife,my wife,my wife, I,I,I .....problem solved.

Nothing new here.

[Misha]

i don't understand it. she is a solid 10 and who would want to even think about another woman?

Where is it written that attractive people are immune to self-esteem issues. She may be a 10, men may see her as a 10, but she may not. What she looks like on the outside has no direct bearing on what she may be thinking and feeling.

she is also very sensitive and requires so much attention, constant reassurance of my love for her. its an emo drain. advice! thanks

How long has she been living in the United States? If she is in the middle of culture shock, she will need a lot of time and attention as she adjusts to her new life and new country. I agree with Groov, it might be appropriate to give her some slack at this time as she lives through the stress of culture shock.

[Patagonie]

Boethius gave you a very good advice. I should say (and there was a big discussion about this topic recently) RW don't have a better maturity than AW. Not about psychology maturity. Perhaps you should have a look on the DS IV M. Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) and check your wife to see if she is or not. But to be or not to be is binary and she can be at only 70/80 %. It gives you some clues to understand, for you, and how to act with her.
After, like revolution, nothing can begin without become conscious of , and people then must agree to work with a psychologist (and a lot are not necessary good, so be careful)
 

[BillyB]

she is quite stunning.

my RW shows so much jealousy

Let's see.... your wife is beautiful and she wants your body all to her self? Heyduh, there are people in this World who are starving, diseased, no money and no girl and you think you got problems? Count your blessings and you'll feel better.

On a more serious note, yes jealousy and control can sour your marriage. She may be beautiful but you may not tolerate being around her for long.

[groovlstk]

And of course you have the predictable "lip service" posters who show up and criticize the advice given and offer the typical BS advice of.....????? Don't do anything and suffer. Oh wait.....me,me,me,me, my wife,my wife,my wife, I,I,I .....problem solved.

Nothing new here.

Perhaps because your advice to men in these situations is always "dump her" and man up?

Or maybe because the guys refuting your advice actually have experience in dealing with the homesickness, resentment, and emotional swings that show up for pretty much every couple who takes this to the AOS stage?

Take your pick 

[SMS60]

Perhaps because your advice to men in these situations is always "dump her" and man up?


Take your pick  

I will pick this one to start out with.

I did not tell him to dump her. And yes a lot of men need to stand up straight.

This is her problem not Heyduh but it will cause him major problems if she decides not to get help. Its up to her to seek help or solve it on her own. There is not much he can do but maybe nudge her.

She will not change if he continues as is. My advice was to nudge her to change or seek help. Maybe a little shock in the form of....... she could lose her husband if she does not seek help or change....... Or this something he is not going to tolerate......I better get help or stop it.

Example would be a man who is drinking all the time and then almost loses his life in a auto accident because of alcohol. This could be the reality check he needs to quit or seek help.

your advice is to keep reassuring her and hope she grows out of it. It might be the way

So we differ on the solution to the problem...........He can decide whats best for him.

[GQBlues]

That was sure fast [at least on a K visa...]

I thought the same, but who knows...OWW / K3 combo, maybe.

As always, Boethius gave a fairly solid advice. Wonder how BF would see this.

From my POV, her insecurities seem a bit misplaced considering she just arrived here and obviously (should be) a bit homesick. So she could be leaning on him but her insecurities may possibly be misdirected or misunderstood.

How is her language proficiency? Is she able to easily absorb conversations when you two are around other people?

Insecure people can be energy vampires. She must first accept something's wrong with her and be open to any type of assistance to help her deal with it, or no amount of assurance/s from him will ever help them both. I would suggest not feeding her insecurities by constantly patronizing her (it). Doing so will only make it worst (don't reinforce bad behavior). Patience is likely the best help you can give her right now outside of getting her professional counsel as soon as possible. If she's willing...

Good luck.

[UTRO]

I agree, she needs the help of a psychologist. It seems you have done no wrong. I had an Ex who was the same. It became very frustrating and tiring.

[Markus]

heyduh,

Keep in mind you are still in the difficult stage of marriage. The 1st year can be difficult due to adjustments to a new way of living for both
of you. And guess what, part of marriage is dealing with problems that you are experiencing. You are the one who needs to be strong in
this situation.

Do you realize that you're all she has? She left her family, friends, country, and now is living a very different life. When she needed
something before living with you, she probably just walked out the door and got it. Now, she has to ask or tell you. She is completely
dependent upon you.

Only you can find the answer in this situation. Running to a counselor at this stage is a bit premature in my opinion. You can be assured
that your wife will be in need of attention for a long time; mine still is and I give it to her.

[spectris]

Does she crave attention, spend money on a whim, is she overtly sexual, drink more than normal, argue as if she doesn't hear you, what is her relationship w/ her family and in particular with her mother, does she seem to live "in her own world", even exhibit rage at times?  If so, be warned. 

I hope for you that it's not your case, but many women who act like this immediately after a major emotional event in their life (typically the birth of a child or a marriage - or maybe moving to another country?) is suffering from a psychotic disorder - either manic depression or BPD.  There is plenty of information on the web about both, do yourself a favor and read it - if it sounds like her, go talk to a professional so you understand what you are dealing with and decide how you want to mange your life.  And yes, to save some posts I do have personal experience with this (and not just once sadly - apparently I have a gift).

Not saying it is so, but a tiny bit of research could save your life...

[wiz]

There are certain women who are naturally very jealous and possessive and Russian women are well known for that for various reasons and you need to have a lot of patience, groovsk said years ago, Rivers and Ocean of patience and you still will fall short!

Don't allow yourself to start making excuses for a Russian Woman's poor and unreasonable behaviour by rationalizing to yourself (or with other guys) that such behaviour occurred because of "different culture" or "different background" or "maybe there was a language issue." Of course a good language communication is very important in any relationship.

Some people, will tell you that women are the same all over the world but I don't agree with this view because I think Russian women are a breed of their own with plenty of remnants of the old Soviet System in their behaviour and attitudes when it comes to close personal relationships. Because of the immense competition for quality males back in Russia they develop very strong feelings of proprietary and “ANY” female is a threat for them, even in a magazine photo!

Naturally when they have left behind everything, home, family, friends and parents to come and join you they feel insecure and they depend on you to help them learn everything about their new life. Their self confidence becomes very low and it will take minimum a year before your relationship starts normalising. As many people will tell you they just going through the Cultural shock and you will have to be very strong and firm in your behaviour to keep the boat going the right direction.

I don’t think your wife needs professional help right now but you have to hit the nail on the head if you love her and want to avoid any future disaster, when she will drain you out of any patience. Jealousy in any relationship is the worst kind of behaviour, like a mental illness, which will undermine whatever you do in your married life. Don’t let her isolate you from your usual friends, males and females and she has to learn and adapt to our way of living. Of course you must avoid communicating with any female which poses a danger to your relationship and has shown that she fancies you! Cut her loose ASAP.

Any time your wife exhibits jealousy, tell her to grow up and ignore her comments. If she continue or goes to a silent mode completely ignore her and let her stew. If she makes a fuss in public (RW call it scandal) then you have to start thinking seriously if you want to continue in your relationship, as she has crossed any line of decent behaviour and for sure she will never change!

Don’t go around trying to pacify her and make sure she understands that jealousy and such behaviour it’s not acceptable in your relationship. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and if you want a loving relationship with your stunning wife then she has to grow up and understand that “if the Menu at home is good you have no reason going out to a restaurant.”

Search on this board “Cultural shock” and hopefully you will find an article I have posted years ago, which will give you a clue about her emotional state and actions.

Before anybody starts criticising me about my comments, I can assure you that I had plenty of experience with that type of behaviour, from a Russian woman and I had to move on……

On March the 8th, as you must know in Russia they celebrate the International women's day, so I was in Russia and went to buy flowers for my then GF. When I went back home, she asked me why did you buy me flowers? Ah I know you wanted to chat the flower girl.....BTW I was over 60 yrs old and the girl was just over 16 years, so that was the time when finally I made up my mind to move on and I did 3 days later.

Groov and some others on the board know about it!

[Ade]

Or to paraphrase Wiz, "make demands and if that doesn't work, move on".

Good advice for any married man.