RW extremely jealous .. very attention seeking

[wiz]

Or to paraphrase Wiz, "make demands and if that doesn't work, move on".

Good advice for any married man. 

You seem to have a habit pretending of not understanding what I say and then twist the meaning of my posts to suite your view.

Where did I tell him to move on?

I only told him to stand up to her stupid jealousy and unreasonable demands to save his marriage. The sooner he does it the better!

Do you think his marriage will have a chance of surviving if she continues showing her jealousy on the same level as she does now?

Very soon she will drive him round the bend and then one day he will kick the backet and that will be a huge disaster but if now he hit the nail on the head by taking a stand he has every chance to create a happy relationship.

Didn't you speak about your previous jealous GF earlier so what did you do and how did you handled, before broken down?

[viking]

Being jealous usually stems from being insecure. She is in another country, her life is upside down, she really does not know you well enough, and maybe she is afraid. And therefore insecure about, well almost anything and everything. Its possible something happened in her life before you, or just the circumstances she finds herself in now. Either way, I do think some type of joint counseling will help. Hearing that you will always be there for her, coming from a third party, especially if this person is a woman ( and a happily married  immigrant would even be better) will go a long way. Further, as strange as this may sound, maybe the type of reassurance you give her is at play also. Maybe (as an example only) instead of saying you will never look at another woman...look at other woman...and then tell her that these other beautiful woman in no way compare with her. Also, she may not fully understand her actions and what they do to you because she has no experience with this. Can you put the shoe on the other foot? Say to her why did she look at another guy? Get a little bit huffy about it and see if she comes to you? And if she does, then explain, now you know how I feel? Maybe open her eyes a bit? Just a thought.

[Ade]

You seem to have a habit pretending of not understanding what I say and then twist the meaning of my posts to suite your view.

Where did I tell him to move on?

Any time your wife exhibits jealousy, tell her to grow up and ignore her comments. If she continue or goes to a silent mode completely ignore her and let her stew. If she makes a fuss in public (RW call it scandal) then you have to start thinking seriously if you want to continue in your relationship, as she has crossed any line of decent behaviour and for sure she will never change!

When several people over the course of several threads "misunderstand" what you are trying to say you have to start to think where their "misunderstandings" are coming from...

I only told him to stand up to her stupid jealousy and unreasonable demands to save his marriage. The sooner he does it the better!

Do you think his marriage will have a chance of surviving if she continues showing her jealousy on the same level as she does now?

Very soon she will drive him round the bend and then one day he will kick the backet and that will be a huge disaster but if now he hit the nail on the head by taking a stand he has every chance to create a happy relationship.

Ignoring your wife, making demands that she stop and telling her to "grow up" are recipes for disaster.

At the very least, assuming the jealousy is based on insecurities founded in culture shock and/or dependency issues, it would be far better to show some empathy and understanding rather than demanding she stop. Going by your experience your method did not work; no surprises there.

Didn't you speak about your previous jealous GF earlier so what did you do and how did you handled, before broken down?

Actually she was my ex-wife of 10 years. And for at least 5 years of that I persevered with trying to save our relationship until I realized that 1) the jealousy driven conflicts had removed any love between us, 2) she would never accept that her delusions were irrational even after she started hallucinating and seeing me in places I could never have been, 3) she never did think she needed help, 4) my presence in her life was driving her further into insanity. I left and finally she got the psychiatric help she needed. It took her 5 years to get her mind back together and eventually she came to me and apologised.

I tried various things during our marriage and the least successful and the most damaging were, being demanding, ignoring her, and threatening to leave if she didn't stop; in fact, the very things that you suggest.

Understanding that jealousy is usually not a very rational state of mind is the key and supporting her while trying to make her feel secure is essential. It also helps in extreme cases  to include an impartial third party, preferably a professional. My ex and I never could get that far because she would never accept that her behaviour was irrational or that she needed help.

[wiz]

 

SJ

Previously I gave my view objectively to the OP and if you read carefully I have covered most angles, but of course you are only here looking to find one or two word to dispute and criticise or to try to ridicule another poster, which is your objective for been around RWD. You are not here to either help or learn.

I have not seen in any of your posts offering positive, clear advise or help to anybody, or at least tried to as other members and I do! Your comments are mostly sarcastic or Negative to say the least, so if you don't have something more helpful or positive to add to all the efforts from every poster here to help the OP, then please go back to your corner and suck your thump!

AS about my bad personal experience with a RW it only lasted 7 months and did not affected my emotional stability as you probably think, because I moved on, where your disastrous marriage of 5 plus years and despite your efforts you still you failed flat and according to what you say lasted longer.

Before I forget I must remind you that I was married to my ex wife for 10 years and also had a relationship for another 20 years, so I must have done something right, where you are still learning about women, relationships and everything else as I have already told you before.

I get the impression that you have a very weak character and that doesn't help in any relationship and I am sorry but I can't help you. Have a good day!

My sincere apologies to the OP for the off topic and I will avoid to reply to SJ again.

[Mir]

And why is it when there a news of a young woman marrying/living with a man 25 years older she is usually a Russian?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/7407289/Society-shock-as-Lord-Hansons-eligible-son-Robert-finally-settles-down.html

[GQBlues]

And why is it when there a news of a young woman marrying/living with a man 25 years older she is usually a Russian?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/7407289/Society-shock-as-Lord-Hansons-eligible-son-Robert-finally-settles-down.html

Because they're traditional women and much more mature for their ages than their western sisters?  This never happens in Russia, as RWs never do this sort of stuff as we all know or have been told. 

[Wayne]

All of the Ukrainian and Russian women I met were jealous to some degree. I remember when I told one woman about a previous relationship that had ended and she said:  I very Jealous! I had to explain everything in detail.  Then later, she asked me to send her a photograph of the other woman.  So I did! Then she scolded me for keeping a photograph of the other woman!

Another woman that I saw in Ukraine took me to a bank to case some traveler's checks.  She had a close friend who worked at the bank and she introduced me to her.  While we were waiting, I talked to her friend a little.  Later, I got in trouble for talking to her friend.

I think that it is cultrual thing, but it could be bad enough to ruin the marriage.  People are quick to suggent that you see a Psycologist, but there are expensive, insurance does not cover much, and they could actually make things worse.  I was married to a bipolar AW for 17 years, so I know what I am talking about.

[Gylden]

LOL, I think the recommendation for psychiatric help is to the wrong party, should be for the man for even thinking about FSU to begin with!!
 

Of course I am kidding.

[JR]

she says it is because her experience in FSU ..  
the jealousy is eating into our otherwise wonderful relationship ..

Been there, done that. Heard all the same BS...every man in my family cheated therefore you will too. Dad left mom for younger Secretary. Blah, Blah, Blah, screaming at the top of her lungs. Stupid, quite stupid. I was faithful to her for the entire ten years of marriage. That didn't stop her from pulling down my pants and smelling my penis shen I would return from an out of town business trip. Or from accusing me of having sex with our marriage councilor who was 67 years old, obese and had a live in female lover. And yes my ex was drop dead gorgeous and had a great figure, it means nothing.
The problem is with her, you can do nothing about it except decide how much you will put up with and how you will respond. I can tell you from experience you're in for some trying times.  I wish you the best.

[Misha]

I think that it is cultrual thing

No, it isn't. Sure, Russians have a saying that to be jealous means that there is love, but most women do not go to the extremes that you described. If my wife introduced me to a friend, she would expect me to talk to her.

[Ade]

SJ

Previously I gave my view objectively to the OP and if you read carefully I have covered most angles, but of course you are only here looking to find one or two word to dispute and criticise or to try to ridicule another poster, which is your objective for been around RWD. You are not here to either help or learn.

Take a look here http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=11454.msg224342#msg224342 Yes, that's right, you see that post in this very same thread which was posted quite a bit before your first one.

Your "covering of most angles" consisted of mainly giving some very bad advice to someone in a particularly sensitive situation. Good move. 

And, FWIW, I'm not here to learn, to be blunt, I don't need or want anyone else's advice on my relationship thank you very much and going by what I've read here there aren't that many that would be up to the task anyway, and definitely not you. But I am here to amuse myself and to occasionally help those that I can by giving reasoned advice. You, on the other hand, continually post the most absurd things from sweeping generalisations on RW to giving extremely bad advice like telling people to discuss their relationship problems after sex in bed and to ignore their jealous wives. 

[SMS60]

I was faithful to her for the entire ten years of marriage. That didn't stop her from pulling down my pants and smelling my penis shen I would return from an out of town business trip.

 :hairraising: Holy crap JR . You have my sympathy

[Rutherford]

 Because of the immense competition for quality males back in Russia they develop very strong feelings of proprietary and “ANY” female is a threat for them, even in a magazine photo!

My wife says funerals  are a great place to meet single men  in Russia , she says that women  know which  wives are sick   and close to death  and start making plans   concerning  the surviving spouse  .


 

[Boethius]

Once again, the view that FSU women are somehow "unique" in this area is a gross, and inaccurate, generalization.

My husband's best "jealousy story" is about a guy he knew who was from El Salvador.  The gentleman's girlfriend was so jealous, when he got a job at a grocery store, she rented an apartment across the street, and would watch him through binoculars all day.  She, too, would smell him when he came home, notwithstanding the fact she'd been spying on him all day.  He ended up dumping her because she was "crazy", married, and is now the father of five.  My husband's second best story is from Ukraine.

groov, do you think part of your wife's jealousy was due to the cold reception she received in your circle of "friends"?

I agree, jealousy usually has its root in insecurity, though it can stem from a variety of psychological issues.  However, in most cases, it isn't going to go away without professional help.  Even then, it will only abate if the person wants to change.  Sometimes, even if they want to change, they can't.

[UTRO]

LOL, I think the recommendation for psychiatric help is to the wrong party, should be for the man for even thinking about FSU to begin with!!
 

Of course I am kidding.

No you aren't G!

[Markus]

And why is it when there a news of a young woman marrying/living with a man 25 years older she is usually a Russian?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/7407289/Society-shock-as-Lord-Hansons-eligible-son-Robert-finally-settles-down.html

This question could be a new topic in a thread by itself. Not necessarily an age difference thread like before, but about why do FSUW do this?

[Markus]

By default, this jealousy is his wife's fault, as is being assumed. But it seems we are missing part of the story. I mean, how does your new wife know your ex's?
I can understand if kids are involved but he references more than one ex and wasn't married to either of them. The last thing you want to do, especially being a
newlywed, is introduce your new wife to your ex's. Perhaps he has brought on this jealousy by his method or "user-error."

[wiz]

By default, this jealousy is his wife's fault, as is being assumed. But it seems we are missing part of the story. I mean, how does your new wife know your ex's?
I can understand if kids are involved but he references more than one ex and wasn't married to either of them. The last thing you want to do, especially being a
newlywed, is introduce your new wife to your ex's. Perhaps he has brought on this jealousy by his method or "user-error."

He didn't say that he introduced her to any of his exe's!

I make a guess that.......it is possible he probably told her, during conversation about their past experiences and relationships, something that generally take place between couples at the start of their relationship, or as is she appears to be extremely jealous that she made a search and found photos or other evidence.

There always will be some kind of jealousy in one or both parties. Some jealousy is manageable and another is impossible to manage, therefore the latter will impose severe strain in the relationship and most probably will destroy it, when the partner in the receiving end gets fed up with the constant drama and stress however strong character and patience he might have to withstand such an onslaught!

I agree, jealousy usually has its root in insecurity, though it can stem from a variety of psychological issues.  However, in most cases, it isn't going to go away without professional help.  Even then, it will only abate if the person wants to change.  Sometimes, even if they want to change, they can't.

I agree with your comments apart from asking for professional help, as I don't think it will work. It did not worked with my previous RW.

In that case only the shock treatment can resolve the situation one way or another and it is better to take the bull by the horns now than later, when it will be too late.

Either way he will be the winner not the looser!

[Aloe]

BTW I was over 60 yrs old and the girl was just over 16 years, so that was the time when finally I made up my mind to move on and I did 3 days later.

wait wait, am i misunderstanding something or this means that you were over 60 and dating a 17 yr old ? Im confused

[Aloe]

This is a very close topic to me. My mom is exactly like some people here describe. I.e. "oh you bought something? Is it cuz u wanted to talk to the sales woman?". She does have a reason, cuz my father cheated on her countless times, but anyway, it is hard to not pick up that kind of behavior if you witness it every day your entire life, as long as you can remember. So when i came over here to my husband, i was also very jealous at first. By the way did you do anything to reinforce her jealousy? Like my hubby once said (under elaborate interrogation) that some other woman (from tv) is prettier than me, that was a very very bad move. Try to watch what you say when it comes to things like this So anyway, i was very jealous, but he constantly reassured me, now im A LOT less jealous. So i think SJ is very very very right in his advice, lots of patience and reassurances (dont need to reassure her for hours, just say something like "honey, you are the best looking woman on planet, i do not want anybody else. Seeing all other women just makes me realize how lucky i am to have found such a treasure, and i will never let go of you!!!!" Say it when you really really mean it, and if she tries to make more accusations or jealousy stuff right after that, just tell her that you already told her how you feel and there is just nothing more you can add on the topic. Next time it  happens also say stuff of that tone, and it will all go away with time. (Unless she is really hopelessly jealous). So anyway, we have been married 9 months now and everything is completely perfect now, so i think you should try this approach until you are married for at least like 1 year, if it doesnt help doing that for 1 year, only then i d suggest seeking professional help. But i think in most cases doing like i described will cure any jealousy, like it did in our marriage.
Oh and dont just say things, but also act that way; i.e. try not to look at other women when she is next to you (cuz she WILL notice!!!) and do not ever say that some other woman is beautiful, until she feels secure enough about herself. And if you did manage to slip and notice out loud how pretty that other woman is, say something like "but you are so much more beautiful, i feel very lucky to have such a drop dead gorgeous woman by my side". Also in every day life give her lots of compliments.
Doing stuff like that will help her self-esteem A LOT, that should help cure jealousy

[Markus]

He didn't say that he introduced her to any of his exe's!

I make a guess that.......it is possible he probably told her, during conversation about their past experiences and relationships, something that generally take place between couples at the start of their relationship, or as is she appears to be extremely jealous that she made a search and found photos or other evidence.

Wiz, true statement. But he didn't say at all how his wife knows his ex's. We are both making a guess as to how. Perhaps he will tell us how, which could provide some more insight
as to why she is jealous of them.

wait wait, am i misunderstanding something or this means that you were over 60 and dating a 17 yr old ? Im confused

Aloe I think he was referring to the age of the girl that worked at the flower store where he was buying flowers for his girlfriend. Wiz couldn't get a 17 year old (couldn't resist Wiz).

[Aloe]

Aloe I think he was referring to the age of the girl that worked at the flower store where he was buying flowers for his girlfriend. Wiz couldn't get a 17 year old (couldn't resist Wiz).

aaa ok, thanks for explaining, i was really confused there

[wiz]

aaa ok, thanks for explaining, i was really confused there

It must be that butterfly in your nose that makes you dizzy and confused.....

The flower girl was around 17 years old dear!

and Markus... you would be surprised what an old Greek charmer can accomplish....

but now I am married... 

[Stirlitz]

I met her just over 1 year ago and married her about 6 months ago .. I'm in my late 30s and she is mid 20s, we are both good looking but she is quite stunning. I've had past relationships but never married .. she knows of couple of my ex's .. and keeps bringing them up .. my RW shows so much jealousy towards someone who is no longer in my life. it is a constant battle .. even when we go out i have to be careful not to be found looking at another women (i don't stare, but even a glance will be met with drama) .. she can be jealous of any non family young female i have a conversation with or talk about  .. and some female cousins too

she says it is because her experience in FSU .. most guys cheated etc (but ofcourse none of them dared to cheat on her) .. her dad/mom went through ugly divorce and now he is with younger woman ..

the jealousy is eating into our otherwise wonderful relationship .. we meet on so many levels, physical, emotional, mental .. however her baseless jealousy drives me nuts. i don't understand it. she is a solid 10 and who would want to even think about another woman? certainly not me ..

she is also very sensitive and requires so much attention, constant reassurance of my love for her. its an emo drain. advice! thanks

Run away NOW. Because you will run away sooner or later. Better soon.

[Blues Fairy]

As always, Boethius gave a fairly solid advice. Wonder how BF would see this.

I agree that counseling is a good idea.  Irrational jealousy is just one of many self-defeating behaviors people may develop as they build psychological defenses against some uncomfortable situation or issue.  By destroying her relationship by jealousy (or nagging, infidelity, hostility, extreme neediness etc.) she reinforces her deep perception of herself as undeserving of true love and happiness; perhaps she grew up with a hostile, emotionally unavailable parent and subconsciously recreates this atmosphere now in her marriage.  A good therapist will be able to help her pinpoint the issue and develop healthier ways of dealing with it.