I am very confused

[Oneputt]

Okay, so I have been corresponding with a UW for over a month and I have now got to the stage where I am confused about what is going through her mind and I am hoping someone (maybe one of the female members) can give me some insight into what this lady is thinking).

Let me get a few issues out of the way first so this thread does not get hijacked by peripheral issues.

1. I am a realist.  I know this process is not plain sailing and I understand that the chances of finding the love of your life on the Internet are not great.

2. This is a WOVO situation.  But I was already going to London for three weeks in September before I even started corresponding with this UW. So it is a side trip and to be honest, I am quite happy to take the risk that I discover in the first 20 minutes that there is no chemistry.  I am drawn to this woman and so I am prepared to take and accept the risk. If it does not work out then I will either just go with the flow for the rest of my time in Ukraine or fly back to London and get on with my life.

3.  She is 37 and I am 50 (but I am reliably informed that I look much younger - early 40s and last year in England a woman told me she thought I was 36 - I wish).

4.  I am drawn to this woman. We suspect we have a lot in common, personality and character wise.  We are both university trained professionals.  She is a doctor.  I am a lawyer.  We both have two children.  We share the same birthday (it is just a coincidence I discovered this fact later on).

So I came across the profile of this UW (I will call her "VUW") on Elena's Models website at the beginning of March.  I submitted a profile with a lousy photograph, got the credit card out and purchased a basic membership and sent her an Expression of Interest.  I also sent EoIs to a couple of other women who responded positively.  But the correspondence went nowhere and as a result I kind of lean to the idea that lots of correspondence with some of these women is just a waste of time and it is better to just have a short correspondence and/or just get yourself over there and take it from there.

Anyway VUW responded very quickly that she was indeed interested.  So I sent her a reply saying that if she sent me a message from her private email address to my gmail address, I would respond with a letter (just trying to obey the commandment to eliminate the website).

In no time I received an email telling me that my attention was very pleasant for her.  She sends me a photo and tells me about her job, her family and how her late husband's death impacted on her life and feelings.  She tells me that she would like to get to know me.  But also tells me that her English is very poor and her daughter translates her letters for her.  She tells me that one meeting is more important than a thousand letters and suggests that maybe we will have the desire to meet in the not too distant future. Finally, she asks me the classic question - why am I looking for the love of my life on the Internet?

I sent her two long emails in reply telling her a lot about myself, answering her question, and telling her that I would be in the UK in September and would be happy to fly over to Ukraine to see her. I also send her some photos of me which were taken by my daughter the previous day.  I specifically tell her that I am not concerned about her lack of English.

Another quick reply.  She likes my photos.  But today, it is down to the nitty gritty and she wants to tell me about the type of man she is looking for and about the family values which are important to her - fair enough.  She wants to tell me about these things as she must know that we have similar views on family life.   I respond telling her the things about a relationship between husband and wife and about family life which are important to me.  I do not believe that anything I told her would have put her off.

Nine days go by without a response to my email.  So I send her an email asking whether she still wants to correspond with me and telling her that I will be disappointed if she does not want to.  Another prompt response from VUW.  She wants to correspond with me.  But she doubts she will have the time and that we can keep it up for five months until I come to visit and she is worried about her lack of English and the fact that I am still married (my wife and I have been separated for some considerable time and the formalities to dissolve our marriage will be sorted next year).  She says her experience of foreign men tells her that if the meeting does not happen in 2-3 months then it does not happen at all.

I send VUW an email confirming that my marriage is over and has been for a long time and there is no prospect of a reconciliation.  I acknowledge that her lack of English is a problem. But one which can be solved with time, patience, technology  and learning.  I tell her that I would not want to give up on someone who might otherwise be the right person just because of their lack of English.  I also tell her that if she corresponds with me then I will come and visit her in September.

Once again, days go by with no response to my email.  So I find a website which translates English into Russian and vice versa and send her a message in Russian.  She loves it (that I write to her in her native language) and declares that "your persistence inspires me". 

So now we are corresponding in Russian.  I spend the best part of a day taking photographs of where I live and send her around 60 photos of my house, my town, vineyards, valleys etc.  She tells me that everything is very beautiful and she is very impressed and that when she was a teenager she dreamed to go and live in New Zealand.  I request more photos of her and she sends them. 

So now I ask her if she will agree that I can come and meet her in September.  I tell her to get into Ukraine I must have a tourist visa.  To get the visa, I must have a confirmed hotel reservation and to make the booking I need to know that she wants me to come and see her.

She asks when I need to know her decision.  I tell her I need to know by June.  She says she will tell me in June and in the meantime she wants to get to know me better and by the way what do I do when I have time for leisure activities and what films do I like.  I have sent emails answering these queries 9 days ago and I have not heard from her since then and I am starting to doubt that I will. 

Being pessimistic, I can see this evolving into a situation where I end up trying to keep communication going until June and then she turns me down.

But I am confused.  What is going on here?  This woman is listed (as far as I can tell) on only three websites and she has recently taken down or suspended all her profiles (on EM, it says she is not interested in receiving further correspondence).  I feel this woman is interested in me.  I wonder if she has stagefright? This man is making a commitment to come and see her.  So she has to confront reality and maybe has some doubts?

Can someone please tell me what is going on here?

Why is this woman putting up her profile on websites for marriage to foreign men if she is worried about her lack of foreign language skills and wants to defer a decision in respect of a man who has been blatantly honest with her about everything and prepared to make a commitment to come and see her (as I told her) "with an open mind and an honest heart"????????

Oneputt

 


 

[facetrock]

I am not a Russian woman but I will tell you what I think after having known a few. Women are women and FSU women really are not much different. There could be several things holding her back and the evidence that she is not sure are the long time between emails. If she is really into you that would not happen.
  For one thing you are still legally married. Most women anywhere in the world are a little suspicious of a guy in that position. She has no proof that you wont get back together with your wife, or if you really are seperated. For all she knows you are going to London for business and want a little tail on a side trip to Ukraine. Might sound harsh but I would bet both of my testicles that this thought has gone through her mind. Plus men that are going through a divorce are known to do irrational things.
   Another thing is that she might be talking to several men that have her interest more than you but doesnt want to completly cut you out of the picture till she knows they will show up. You might be a backup plan.
  And last, she might have a local boyfriend she isnt really happy with and wanted to see what else is out there in the world.
   My advice is to get your divorce final then start chasing FSU babes. Your mind will be alot more clear after its final.
Good luck

[Faux Pas]

Just a thought here Oneputt. It is highly likely this lady and most women will not consider you a serious prospect for two very logical reasons 1) you are married. It doesn't matter that in your mind you will be divorced next year, you are married now. Quite honestly, it doesn't speak that highly of your character to be seeking a new wife while you still have the old one. 2) You are "willing" to make a side trip to visit her in 6 months. How convenient. Much too long IMO to expect a woman to wait, should communication go well.

Why haven't you spoken with her on the phone? I understand you and she has language deficiencies but you can hire interpreters. Bottom line here is despite your questions and your pleas, she doesn't see you as a serious man. At this point she is most likely correct. You most likely lost this lady but, more importantly you have some decisions to make. Is this an avenue you do wish to pursue? If so, get yourself and house in order to do so. If your current marriage is over, expedite your divorce. If you are willing to travel to meet her, be prepared to travel when the time is right in the relationship and not necessarily when you are in the neighborhood.

You have some work to do on yourself. Many of these women have heard a bevy of empty promises in the past and many aren't willing to believe a man who hasn't taken his initial steps. Who could blame them?  

[Aloe]

I agree with facetrock. Once i was corresponding with a guy who claimed to be separated from his wife, and he was all super eager to meet me in writing. He promises to call me as soon as he lands in Moscow, so the set day comes and no peep. A few weeks later he surfaces on the net and tells me that his wife (from whom he is presumably separated) wouldnt let him do anything and watch over him like a hawk the entire trip. It was news to me that his wife was coming along in spite of presumably being separated from him, and why would she give a rats ass what hes doing if they are presumably getting divorced. Well, obviously they arent separated at all, he is just trying to cheat on her. I ddidnt talk to anyone who claims to be "separated" from their wife since then. You are still married, so wheres the proof you arent just looking for fun sex trips, while having an unsuspecting wife at home? Im sure vast majority of women will think that. Just because internet is full of lying pieces of crap who ensure that any woman in this search has plenty of bad experiences. You may be honest about your situation, but the tons of bastards ruined it for many women. Other mens actions affect all of the mens reputation, so you have to work to show that you arent like them. Sad, but often the case with women who arent completely new in this search.
Also bad move sending pics of your properties. Are you looking for a gold digger? Men who send out their properties pics do not come across good. They come across like "hey, im so rich, wanna be my property until a better younger one comes along in a 1-2-5-10 years?". Either that or "im so insecure, i doubt i can attract anyone just with my personality, so i have to show off what i own". Just keep your properties to yourself. Dont even mention them. Unless of course you want a gold digger?? Just saying that you have a house and no debts is plenty, IMO.

[Aloe]

Wait, i misread that you sent pictures of "your" vineyards, but it seems you meant just vineyards, not necesserily your own, then its ok to send a pic of your house insides i guess. Some men have such horrifying old dirty houses, better warn the lady upfront with a picture if thats the case

[Aloe]

Dutch lessons are playing tricks on me! i actually read "my town" as "my tuin" the first time around  , which would mean "my garden". No wonder i thought you meant your vineyards These days i spend time trying to remember the english word i used to know instead of this dutch word 

[Oneputt]

Many thanks for the (brutally) honest comments.

Aloe, the lady I am communicating with is not the type of woman to be overly impressed by my wealth or possessions. 

Everyone, I hear what you are saying about my marital status. I acknowledge it is a problem.  My wife lives in Australia.  But in NZ you cannot just get a divorce.  Here it is a "no fault" system called dissoltion of marriage based on a presumption of irreconcilble differences.  The presumption arises after two years.  So I have wait the two years to unilaterally get the court order.  I have to do the time. 

I thought I had made it fairly clear that I am not interested in chasing FSU babes.  I have never thought about or given VUW the impression that she is a side trip.  I only used the term "side trip" because in my introductory post a lot of guys were asking why I would be prepared to go half way around the World to see one woman.  My intention in telling her that I had tickets to London was to let her know that I am serious to come and see her from London.  For the voyeuers, I have no expectations of sexual relations with this woman if she agrees to meet me.

[Aloe]

Aloe, the lady I am communicating with is not the type of woman to be overly impressed by my wealth or possessions. 

And you make that assumption based on what? The few emails you have exchanged?

[Oneputt]

And you make that assumption based on what? The few emails you have exchanged?

And you make your assumption to the contrary based on what?

Go and re-read my original post.  This woman is in no hurry to invite me into her life.  And do not bother trying to tell me that this is just a cunning plan by a UW.  The woman I am talking about is a decent person - without a doubt.  I am trying to understand what is going on in her head.   I do not need conspiracy theories.

[Aloe]

And you make your assumption to the contrary based on what?

Go and re-read my original post.  This woman is in no hurry to invite me into her life.  And do not bother trying to tell me that this is just a cunning plan by a UW.  The woman I am talking about is a decent person - without a doubt.  I am trying to understand what is going on in her head.   I do not need conspiracy theories.

Show me where did i say she was not a decent woman?
What i said was if you go around flaunting your posessions to women, sooner or later you will run into gold-diggers. You will run into them in any case, but they will only stick to people who are showing off their posessions. Understand?

[Aloe]

Usually i do not care about forum so much, but this is just outrageous. Where, where in hell do you see me saying she is not a decent woman? jesus fucking christ. Why come here if you are gonna go around being a jerk to people who are trying to help you?

[Oneputt]

Aloe, you implied this woman might be impressed by my possessions or wealth (not that I ever mentioned I was wealthy).  Does that not go to the heart of the question of whether she is a decent woman?  I think I know what most people would say.

[Ade]

And you make your assumption to the contrary based on what?

Go and re-read my original post.  This woman is in no hurry to invite me into her life.  And do not bother trying to tell me that this is just a cunning plan by a UW.  The woman I am talking about is a decent person - without a doubt.  I am trying to understand what is going on in her head.   I do not need conspiracy theories.

I'll go along with what others have said; the fact you are separated is no doubt of serious concern to her (I know as I've been through something similar with several Norwegian women I was dating while separated and it's very understandable that they have concerns). There's also the very long delay in getting to her front door; September is a long way away so it's no surprise that's she's not jumping for joy quite yet. My guess is she expects you to just fade away over the next few months never to be heard from again; who knows, maybe it's already happened with someone else. If you are really that interested in her, get on a plane post-haste.

[Aloe]

Aloe, you implied this woman might be impressed by my possessions or wealth (not that I ever mentioned I was wealthy).  Does that not go to the heart of the question of whether she is a decent woman?  I think I know what most people would say.

Again, show me where i said that she is impressed by your posessions?
I was talking about the whole process of corresponding/talking to women in general, nowhere was the woman from your original post mentioned, yet somehow you are reading into my post and seeing things that arent there.

[Ade]

Aloe, you implied this woman might be impressed by my possessions or wealth (not that I ever mentioned I was wealthy).  Does that not go to the heart of the question of whether she is a decent woman?  I think I know what most people would say.

Actually, with a lot of women, it may seem as if you were trying to impress them with your possessions which may not reflect well on you.

[Aloe]

I just specifically reread my post. I did not mention or speak of this woman a single time. I did not mention her even once. Where the hell do you see me implying she is impressed or a gold-digger? WTF ????????!!!

[Ade]

I just specifically reread my post. I did not mention or speak of this woman a single time. I did not mention her even once. Where the hell do you see me implying she is impressed or a gold-digger? WTF ????????!!!

Aloe, I think he misread your post. No need to go thermonuclear on his arse. Bad day?

[facetrock]

  Aloe is it cleaning and vacuuming day today? Kind of sounds like it

[Oneputt]

I'll go along with what others have said; the fact you are separated is no doubt of serious concern to her (I know as I've been through something similar with several Norwegian women I was dating while separated and it's very understandable that they have concerns). There's also the very long delay in getting to her front door; September is a long way away so it's no surprise that's she's not jumping for joy quite yet. My guess is she expects you to just fade away over the next few months never to be heard from again; who knows, maybe it's already happened with someone else. If you are really that interested in her, get on a plane post-haste.

SJ

Thanks for your comments.  As I have said, I acknowledge that mere separation may be an issue.

Unfortunately I have professional responsibilities to my clients and business partners and therefore cannot get away until September.  I have promised this lady that I will come and see her in September if she will agree to a meeting.

[Daveman]

And you make your assumption to the contrary based on what?

Go and re-read my original post.  This woman is in no hurry to invite me into her life.  And do not bother trying to tell me that this is just a cunning plan by a UW.  The woman I am talking about is a decent person - without a doubt.  I am trying to understand what is going on in her head.   I do not need conspiracy theories.

And you are receiving direct evidence already as to what goes on inside an FSUW's head (which in this case is extremely mild).  You are indeed filling in many blanks with your (perhaps erroneous) perceptions, and your own projections of what you want to believe - most of it probably being not so on target.  Even with ones fluent in your language, how many times have you asked the following question about a woman you were dating (or married to) from your own area -- "Where/how did she come up with THAT??"  

You'll be asking yourself that question much more often if you continue this pursuit.  Yes, women are women and they think and perceive the world a little differently than we do, and when you add in the cultural differences the formula becomes [(think differently than we do) x (10)]

I'm not going to comment on your lady friend and what she might be thinking because, trust me, if there is a God, only he would have a clue what that actually is... and even he probably wouldn't really get it unless "he" was actually a "she".

I agree with other posts so far as possibilities and or probabilities.  So far all you have is talk.  She's not going to take you seriously at all until *she believes you are serious* (duh), i.e., you *show* her you are serious. Then you'll receive a more definitive answer as to her real interest in you.  

[Ade]

SJ

Thanks for your comments.  As I have said, I acknowledge that mere separation may be an issue.

Unfortunately I have professional responsibilities to my clients and business partners and therefore cannot get away until September.  I have promised this lady that I will come and see her in September if she will agree to a meeting.

Then the best you can do is be persistent and show her you aren't going to disappear. During your email exchanges don't wait for her response before you send off another email - at least if you have something to say. Also, start talking real time with Skype with webcams if possible even if it requires a 3rd party to translate.

Good luck.

[Oneputt]

And you are receiving direct evidence already as to what goes on inside an FSUW's head (which in this case is extremely mild).  You are indeed filling in many blanks with your (perhaps erroneous) perceptions, and your own projections of what you want to believe - most of it probably being not so on target.  Even with ones fluent in your language, how many times have you asked the following question about a woman you were dating (or married to) from your own area -- "Where/how did she come up with THAT??"  

You'll be asking yourself that question much more often if you continue this pursuit.  Yes, women are women and they think and perceive the world a little differently than we do, and when you add in the cultural differences the formula becomes [(think differently than we do) x (10)]

I'm not going to comment on your lady friend and what she might be thinking because, trust me, if there is a God, only he would have a clue what that actually is... and even he probably wouldn't really get it unless "he" was actually a "she".

I agree with other posts so far as possibilities and or probabilities.  So far all you have is talk.  She's not going to take you seriously at all until *she believes you are serious* (duh), i.e., you *show* her you are serious. Then you'll receive a more definitive answer as to her real interest in you.  



So Dave, how do you suggest I "show" her that I am serious.  I have done nothing but try to show this lady I am serious.  So I am open to suggestions so long as they are serious and not just flim flam.

[Oneputt]

Then the best you can do is be persistent and show her you aren't going to disappear. During your email exchanges don't wait for her response before you send off another email - at least if you have something to say. Also, start talking real time with Skype with webcams if possible even if it requires a 3rd party to translate.

Good luck.

SJ

Thanks once again for your constructive comments.  I have told this lady that I wish to work towards communication by telephone and via Skype.

[Aloe]

i think this guy should just drop the entire thing. With his tendencies to misinterpret everything and then not being man enough to admit that he was wrong, his marriage wont last a month    

[I/O]

Oneputt: 1) You've just had a dose (in this thread) of RW (UW if you like) reaction to nothing. It's rather common. 2) You've reacted yourself which is fatal.

As for the UW, you're married fact, you're not there fact, she has no evidence you will be there fact, you're one of many who says you will be there fact, she's 37 with baggage fact, she has less choices than others so she must be careful fact....................she might be anything but on your report, I'd suggest another closer (read sooner) option came up on her radar during your communication, "Bird in the hand being worth two in the bush" and all................

None of that means you're without a shot but you might consider whether or not you want to throw your best shot at someone you've never met. I've never thought anyone one hasn't met is worth losing too much sleep over. Doesn't mean you don't care or don't think but better not to over think it all. This is a game of high hopes and low expectations if you wish to avoid disappointment.