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Author Topic: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?  (Read 10058 times)

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Offline Admin

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« on: January 11, 2006, 01:39:31 PM »
Please describe the 3 MOST important things YOU did to help ease your wife's transition into living in a foreign land. You get only 3 - so select wisely (maybe check with your wife :shock:).

Separately, I may start a topic on the 3 biggest obstacles or potholes - but for now, let's focus on the positive.

- Dan

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2006, 01:46:00 PM »
I was working at a job that offered me flexibility and allowed me to work from the house and spend a LOT of time with Olya for the first year or so. She was rarely alone, and whenever something came up which she questioned, I was handy to help answer. It also meant that things like visits to the dentist and gyno required me to be present and translate. We grew quite close as a result of her dependence on me - and her knowledge that I was happy with her dependence, or her independence, it was up to her.

I found a church which offered individual English tutoring for new immigrants. The lady who worked with Olya is still one of her best friends.

I later enrolled her in an ESL immersion program. It lasted only a few months, but by the end her English had developed to the point where she could effectively work, whereas prior to that she was far too self-conscious. Also, to get to the location of the ESL school, Olya had to learn the Denver metro mass transit system. Once learned, she was significantly more self-assured and independent.

Those are my 3.

- Dan

Offline TigerPaws

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2006, 02:04:47 PM »
[size="4"][color="blue"]WoW! Only 3 :yech: Ok. I will have to agree that spending time with my wife was the single most important thing I could have done for her. She was rarely alone more than 1 day a week and she could accompany me almost everywhere with rare exceptions, we spent every weekend going someplace and doing something different for at least the first 8 months then things settled down a little. Yes without a doubt time with my lady would be number 1.

As for the rest I will have to think about that and as Dan said ask her.[/color]
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2006, 02:54:00 PM by TigerPaws »

Offline dostogirl

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2006, 02:30:22 PM »
Three things my husband did for me that helped me to adapt faster:
1. Helped me to find American girlfriends
2. Taught me about different systems here (financial, educational etc)
3. Provided moral support

Offline BC

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2006, 02:51:26 PM »
1. My job/business went to priority 2.. even though came damn close to loosing it. Being able to work from home and be together 24/7 was an advantage.

2. We travelled extensively throughout Europe for pleasure and business..  Total immersion in my work/private life.

3. (but not least) I loved her even when thinking the best solution was tickets to send her home.

more but not insignificant..

4. I finally broke down and got plastic with her name on it.

5. Was ok if she opens the mail and digs through cartons in the garage.

6. Survived initial frequent trips back home.


[edit]  why do I always have to ignore clear instructions...
« Last Edit: January 11, 2006, 03:12:00 PM by BC »

Offline RacerX

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2006, 02:59:18 PM »
Mine are nearly the same as mentioned:

1.  Made arrangements at my work to be with her all the first week and then anytime she needed me for help, including transport, the next 6 months.

2.  Taught her how to drive!  And bought her a beautiful (her words) new car.

3.   Found an intensive ESL series at our local Comm. College so she completed everything within a year by attending 3 hours a day including summer school.

Offline NDOC

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2006, 03:54:55 PM »
1.  Made her get a job working at the jewelry counter at the mall.  She got out of the house and met all her current Russian girlfriends there.

2.  Taught her how to drive.  Nearly got divorced over it and several construction workers were nearly run over, but life here is difficult if you can't get around.

3.  Got her a teacher's permit.  I had to pull a lot of strings with the boys up top to get the state educational bureaucracy to accept her paperwork.

BTW,

Dan, you actually went to the gyno with her?  Wild horses couldn't drag me within a mile of that place.  In nine years of marriage she couldn't get me to her gyno or get me to put her feminine hygiene products in my shoping cart.  Pretty darned enlightened of you.  And BC gave her plastic with her name on it!  I'm still have a panic attack every time my wife brings that up and the answer is still hell no!  You guys must like living on the cutting edge.

 
« Last Edit: January 11, 2006, 04:00:00 PM by NDOC »

Offline TigerPaws

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2006, 04:29:27 PM »
[size="4"][color="blue"]N[/color][color="blue"]DOC,

 What is the problem with taking your lady to the
[/color] [/size][color="blue"][size="4"]gynecologist? Hells-Bells I played catcher when our daughter came out, as for the plactic, again what is the big deal just put a limit on it that you are comfortable with. I gave her a Visa card the same day I gave her a new car and a cell phone, what is the big deal.
 Honestly I do not understand this attitude NDOC.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2006, 04:30:00 PM by TigerPaws »

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2006, 04:33:25 PM »
Quote from: TigerPaws
[size="4"][color="blue"]N[/color][color="blue"]DOC,

What is the problem with taking your lady to the
[/color] [/size][color="blue"][size="4"]gynecologist? Hells-Bells I played catcher when our daughter came out, as for the plactic, again what is the big deal just put a limit on it that you are comfortable with. I gave her a Visa card the same day I gave her a new car and a cell phone, what is the big deal.
Honestly I do not understand this attitude NDOC.
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Different strokes for different folks. I sure would not have elected to go to the gyno exams - but the alternative was to allow someone whom I cared deeply for, to be acutely uncomfortable and maybe for the doctor to miss something important.

It really did deepen the bond between us - and I don't regret it - though I wouldn't care to do it again, if at all possible.

- Dan

Offline TigerPaws

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2006, 04:48:39 PM »
[color="blue"][size="4"]Dan,

 I am not suggesting you (or I) do the exam, I do not know about you but I am not qualified, but to be with her at least the first time would seem to be more than reasonable. I was with my lady the whole time while she had a root canal after being here for just 2 weeks, for her first doctors visit, when she went in for her first exam, whatever was needed that is just a small part of what it takes to make a relationship work.
 There is SO much more.
[/size][/color]

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2006, 05:23:48 PM »
Quote from: TigerPaws
[color="blue"][size="4"]Dan,

I am not suggesting you (or I) do the exam, I do not know about you but I am not qualified, but to be with her at least the first time would seem to be more than reasonable. I was with my lady the whole time while she had a root canal after being here for just 2 weeks, for her first doctors visit, when she went in for her first exam, whatever was needed that is just a small part of what it takes to make a relationship work.
There is SO much more.
[/size][/color]


Yep - I recall spending entire days, on multiple occasions, in the dentist's office while she was suffering through what must have been (for me, at least) excruciating pain. And then there was the day that she had to go under general anesthesia for some major dental surgery. It's hard to say what was the toughest to witness and support - but I would not have had it any other way - even though I would STRONGLY prefer to never do it again.

Message is - there is a LOT of work to a relationship with a RW. And while there are some unique elements such as those we are discussing in the early transitional phases - there are different challenges in later years. It's still hard work.

How about others? KenC, I recall, mentioned his early days and some of the things he did to ease the transition. I wonder what his Top 3 would be - or jb - or others?

- Dan

Offline Vaughn

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #11 on: January 11, 2006, 06:01:26 PM »
In no particular order:

1) Upon the solid advice of Nina, her first Russian-speaking acquaintance (and Maid of Honor) in America, I gave my wife carte blanche to redecorate our home as she saw fit. She LOVES interior design - our home transitioned from eclectic bachelor pad to modern European, clean lines, less is more. I had to rescue more than a few pieces of 17th and 18th century English pewter, a telescope and a stick barometer from boxes of "stuff" destined for the trash heap. I came home one day and found
a 4-legged brass fireplace trivet was no longer flat on top, but concave - seems Nina or Elvira STOOD on it to reach one of those tough spots on the ceiling - I really had to bite my tongue, I remember hyperventilating in the locked bathroom and begging God to grant me patience. Throughout their childhood, my two young daughters never messed with the antiques, and now a fully mature Russian and Ukrainian female tag-team were testing my limits. It was only Week #2.

 Welcome to the "other side" of K-1...

2) Regular ESL classes - a HUGE plus, she attended regularly for about one year. There she also encountered
people from many nations, the majority for whom English was their only real means to communicate.

3) Driving lessons. I was her instructor (not recommended) and we drove almost daily. Off-hour school parking lots
and driveways were fair game without a permit, so drive she did. The folks back home were amazed, almost unbelieving. The attention and building self-confidence gave her hope that a real transition was possible, within her grasp.

Offline NDOC

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2006, 07:00:31 PM »
Tigerpaws,

Sorry, no attitude here.  There's just some things that make me squeemish and two were named.  You may enjoy the experience of playing Johnny Bench in the delivery room, but I'm more of a hand out the cigars kind of guy.  I really have no great need to discover first hand how female plumbing works in a medical way or talk my wife through an exam (I'd be the one that was too uncomfortable).  Gynos, holding or looking in my wife's purse, and making contact with female products, talking about all of the above are pretty much non-starters. I can deal with criminals... living, dead and semi-dead but not girl stuff, just one of those things.  I'm sure you and Dan get brownie points for being there through all of that.

As for the wife and plastic, when she married she was 22 years old.  I remember what I was like at 22 and there's no way I was responsible enough to have instant access to credit.  Heck, I was 33 when we married and you can make a pretty good argument that I wasn't ready for marriage or financial responsibility then either.  I've never owned a credit card (we both have debit cards only) and don't think I ever will.  IMHO the risk isn't worth it, but reasonable people can disagree.

Offline Voyageur

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2006, 04:43:20 AM »
It has been a very short six months since my wife arrived here.

1. The most important was giving her all the authority to change the house any way she wanted. The first thing she did, when she arrived was to "make order".  This meant going through each drawer and closet and throwing out and arranging everything to her taste. She even went to the basement:? and I told her that this was not necessary but she wanted to touch everything.

Now it seems as if the house is truly "our" home.  She has made many, many improvements to the "cozy-ness" of our home. It has cost more money than I planned, for sure, but it is great fun to choose something together for the house.  She has become an expert internet shopper and has spent hours on "bidding" sites to get a good deal on a $ 10.00 piece of jewelry or a present.

2. Teaching her how to drive was also very important. She just passed her PA Driver's License exam (on the first try :)).  I bought her her own new car when she arrived and she drove this using her international license. She had some lessons in Russia, but really, she was like a new driver when she got here.  She knows how much a Driving License means in the US and so she wanted to get this out of the way as soon as she could.  She will be going back to Russia next week to get her 6 year old daughter, to bring her back to the US. She wanted to have her license before her daughter came here.

She is quite intelligent, but sometimes her driving causes some excitement :shock:.  I have already trained my two daughters how to drive and, although they were more used to the American way with automobiles, they were harder to teach.

3. Another important thing, is to have patience, patience and more patience. The US way of doing things - with friends, family and business - is so much different than the ways of her life in Russia. One of the best things that I have learned from forums like this, is to always have patience with your new wife in explaining how things work here.  From the internet to debit cards to credit cards to health insurance to family parties to friends parties to the absence of walking.  Everything is so different here.  I gave her a credit card immediately and also got her a debit card for our checking account. There are no separate accounts, she is quite responsible with money and this has also deepened out trust towards each other.

Somewhat less important is subscribing to the four Russian channels on Dish Network. It costs a small fortune each month but she always watches these channels.  Also, I have spent as much time as possible with her and have never left her alone when I was not working, except for playing sports occasionally. I really prefer to be with her always, and she feels this.  She knows that she is a partner in everything in our family in life and this has helped us very much.

She also uses LD Peanuts to call home to her parents every day or so, and this has also helped. 

What has really surprised me is her toughness of character. Her father was a former Soviet gymnastics coach and she was schooled under him as an athlete in her early years. She is still strong mentally and physically from this training.  I really admire the way that she was raised.  It really places all the stories about the FSU in a different light these days.

« Last Edit: January 12, 2006, 05:01:00 AM by Voyageur »

Offline Bruce

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2006, 04:52:49 AM »
1.  Time, especially first few months

2.  Unlimited calling home

3.  Patience (hardest of all)
"A word is dead when it is said, some say.  I say it just begins to live that day."  Emily Dickinson

Offline catzenmouse

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2006, 06:58:10 AM »
Quote from: Bruce
1.  Time, especially first few months

2.  Unlimited calling home

3.  Patience (hardest of all)
Those are also my "Big Three". English lessons helped also and getting her out of the house.

Ken

P. S. Patience is sometimes still the hardest thing to have.
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Offline LatinSwede

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2006, 01:06:13 PM »
I'm encouraging mine to keep her culture while she's here.  Before we leave Odesssa together, I'm taking her shopping to get a good load of Russian books and movies.  Our home will be a nice little ethnic enclave. Ofcourse Enlish will be important, but I want to be able to speak Russian in the home and among ourselves.

My opinion about the surounding US culture is very low.  One thing I don't want is a generic soccermom family.  I'm pretty indiviualistic anyway.  I told her, I don't care what the neighbors thing, what are  doing, or what they have.  It will be our home that matters, and we'll run it as we see fit.  As for raising kids, I'd prefer they be homeschooled, because the American public school system is crap.  There's no playing the keeping up with the joneses.  It's pointless to try to impress people that hate you anyway.  I don't care what a redneck Mrs. KnowItAll thinks.  If one of them comes to my door with a fake smile, I'll shut it in her face.  Fairweather friendship is not necassary.

Luckily, I've been blessed with some good local east European friends.  So there will be a ready circle of friends to meet.  As well, I got a got family support system.  It's almost like I'm repeating my father.  As he married my mother, who also came from a totlaly different culture and country. 
« Last Edit: January 12, 2006, 01:12:00 PM by LatinSwede »

Offline Leslie

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2006, 01:15:36 PM »
My Top three are very similar.

1.  Lots of time in the begining.  My business suffered from my neglect as our relationship prospered.

2.  I paid for a private 3 month immersion English class.  Expensive but worth the investment.  I did not want my wife mixing with the asylum seekers at the local college !

3.  Pressuring her to get a job.  Any job :shock:  Working did wonders for her integration into UK society.

I also nursed my wife through a problematic pregnancy and was present at the birth of my daughter.  The more we share the closer we become.  Natasha runs the family finances.   Early on we did have some problems over money and banking.  Not anymore.  She manages the budget better than I would !  Driving is another matter.  No progress there at all.  Shows no interest.  Where we live you don't have to drive.  It is 5 mins walk to the shops.  Citizenship and advanced English class are planned for this year.  We will use the local college.  It is surprising how far we have come in just 3 years :D

 

 

Online Shadow

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2006, 06:32:30 AM »
1. Spent the first week with her

2. Got her to join Ditch classes ...uuuhhhmmm.....DUTCH classes, but she Ditched them half way through ;)

3. Taught my cats to behave well :shock:
« Last Edit: January 13, 2006, 07:10:00 AM by Shadow »
No it is not a dog. Its really how I look.  ;)

Offline Turboguy

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2006, 06:53:07 AM »
I don't mean to make fun of your misspelling Shadow but I think Maxx also sent his girl to ditch class.  Just too funny to pass up.  At least to my warped sense of humor.

Offline Son of Clyde

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2006, 07:32:22 AM »
1) I did not overwhelm her with my friends and family

2) I took time off from work to be with her

3) I gave her a tour of my town

 

These seem insignificant but I think they are important from the start.

Not a good idea to show her off to your family and friends immediately. Not a good idea to leave her home while you go to work, at least for the first few days. Let her get to know where you live from the first day. We took a drive to Fells Point, a historic part of Baltimore City. And of course I took her shopping which is her favorite hobby :) 
« Last Edit: January 13, 2006, 07:34:00 AM by Son of Clyde »

Offline Ste

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2006, 07:52:51 AM »
I just took mine to the pub.

Ste

Offline mischief

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #22 on: January 14, 2006, 01:26:09 AM »
Patience and tolerance are must-have. 

 

Most of the women who used to be strong and independent, first find themselves extremely dependent and self-conscious here... and that's not an easy transition... so anything to get her self confidence back like teaching her to drive, getting her a job, English classses or any classes will help her and your relations.

 

I didn't have any problem with English but I used to drag my husband to the gyno with me all the time…  just for moral support.  Gotta do whatever it takes!

Offline KenC

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #23 on: January 14, 2006, 07:57:29 AM »
I gave Lena the majority of my time.  I am fortunate enough to work from home.  She really was my main focus for quite some time after her arrival.

I encouraged her to call home.  I didn't want Lena to feel stranded here.  She was very close with her parents and I knew she would miss them dearly.  I also encouraged her to call her Babushka and friends.  If she had just experienced somerhing here that she was excited about, I would tell her to call and share it with her Mom & Dad.  I wanted her to feel like they too were sharing her experience and that they were just a phone call away.

I gave Lena her own little victories.  I let Lena "save" my son and I from our bachelor ways.  We both tried to show Lena that she was bringing a missing ingredient to our family.  She felt needed and wanted.  That is why I tell guys not to have their home too clean or too organized when their lady arrives.

KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline KenC

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #24 on: January 14, 2006, 08:00:26 AM »
Ste,

You crack me up!  But did you take her to the pub "3 times?"

KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline TigerPaws

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #25 on: January 14, 2006, 08:48:09 AM »
[color="blue"][size="3"]
[/size]
[/color][color="blue"][size="4"]  I spoke to my lady about this last  night and her first response was as I thought the time I spent with her, we were  together almost constantly for the first year.[/size][/color] [color="blue"][size="4"] [/size][/color] [color="blue"][size="4"]

  I did not consider her next response  because I never thought of it the same way as she did, her family was forced to  leave their home in Tajikistan when it became an independent country and were  relocated to a remote village about 800 km east of Moscow. They were renting a 3  room apartment (1 bedroom, living room and a closet they called a kitchen), they  did not have a telephone and as you can imagine very little room. After my lady  arrived and settled in a bit, one of her greatest concerns was that her mother,  sister and grandmother could at any time be evicted from their apartment which  had already happened on several occasions. After discussing this at length I  suggested that we purchase an apartment for her family, after all (at the time)  it was only 5 grand for a new 3 bedroom apartment and we could have a telephone  installed once they moved in. This from her perspective was one of the pivotal  points early on in our relationship, though I never even considered it to be a  very big issue for her it showed a committment on my part.[/size]
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Offline Todd

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #26 on: January 17, 2006, 02:42:37 PM »
My three things (no pub...sorry...I don't drink):

1.  We have lots of fun

2.  We laugh a great deal

3.  I was always myself through the whole process so there were really no surprises whe she arrived

 

Incidentally, this was as much her list as mine and seemed very different than many other people's.  Kate is very different than many others in that her English was fluent, and the only misunderstandings that result is when she doesn't find a pun onf mine particularly funny.  (It can't be my fault after all.)  The rest of the stuff:  credit cards, cell phone, bank accounts, etc. is really just operational in nature.  As for contact with home, she uses yahoo messenger voice a great deal.  She has only been here for 6 months, so during the second half of the year we face job and driving issues.

Offline Noleman

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #27 on: January 20, 2006, 06:26:44 AM »
What are LD Peanuts?

Offline BC

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2006, 06:32:06 AM »
Welcome Noleman,

Must be some kind of long distance calling.. phone card maybe or ip phone

Offline Bruno

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #29 on: January 20, 2006, 06:54:29 AM »
Quote from: BC
Welcome Noleman,

Must be some kind of long distance calling.. phone card maybe or ip phone

Prepaid long distance

http://www.ldpost.com/prepaid-long-distance/

By min from USA NYC local access :

Ukraine 0.1$, Ukraine mobile 0.131$, Russia 0.05 $, Russia Moscow 0.018 $, Russia St Peterburg 0.021 $, Russia mobile 0.055 $

Offline OhioGuyRob

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #30 on: January 27, 2006, 03:23:06 PM »
Im with ya on this one.... My wife hates doctors of any kind, for any reason.  So I go with her on every visit for everything....

Number 1 in my estimation is patience... and when you think you've started more patience.

Number 2 LISTEN... I mean REALLY listen.  Take time to NEVER assume anything she says is what she means... remember unless she is fluent what you THINK you here may not be what she is trying to say.

We are just now working on driving..... Natalya has been going to the Jewish Center for english lessons (free yeah!!) four days a week.

Quote from: TigerPaws
[size="4"][color="blue"]N[/color][color="blue"]DOC,

 What is the problem with taking your lady to the
[/color] [/size][color="blue"][size="4"]gynecologist? Hells-Bells I played catcher when our daughter came out, as for the plactic, again what is the big deal just put a limit on it that you are comfortable with. I gave her a Visa card the same day I gave her a new car and a cell phone, what is the big deal.
 Honestly I do not understand this attitude NDOC.
[/size]
[/color]

Offline RussianGal

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #31 on: January 30, 2006, 08:25:29 AM »
My hubby:
1) was there for me at all times, e.g he was patient, attentive, understanding;
2) arranged soon upon my arrival 2 wonderful trips which rocked my world;
3) never made me feel stupid just because I did not know things.

+ I adapted pretty easy. :-)

--------------
I noticed one thing (based on my own experience and my friends`): if a woman lived abroad or at least on her own, she`ll adapt easier here, than a girl who lived her whole life with parents.
Why? Because she already knows that feeling - to be on your own in a foreign environment and how to cope with it.
As for me, my tears of homesickness were shed in the UK long time ago.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2006, 08:26:00 AM by RussianGal »
Translation, Consultation, 3-Way Call - it can be done by RussianGal.

Offline brentxxoo

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #32 on: March 16, 2006, 07:28:14 PM »
Quote from: TigerPaws
Dan,

 I am not suggesting you (or I) do the exam,
You see, you've already missed fun item #2

Offline catzenmouse

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Re: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #33 on: May 02, 2006, 04:59:35 AM »
Sorry for posting in an old topic but I believe that this is the most appropriate place for this.

 In some recent conversations with Elena and some other RW/WM couples I seen a bit of a trend (and it was confirmed that I do this as well  :noidea:) where after some time (6 months to 1 1/2 years) where the man will see that his lady is reasonably comfortable in her new surroundings, perhaps she is working or driving where she wants or visiting friends and shopping on her own, and he feels something like "Hey, she's doing great now." so he will back off a bit on the nurturing and extra time and attention that he has been showing up to this point.

 The ladies have invariably felt a bit abandoned by this change. Even though they have made great strides in their new life they are still feeling vulnerable and cut off in many ways. They are waiting for him to get home from work to spend some time together and talk etc. or waiting for the weekend so they can share some activities together and basically to get some quality attention from the man that they have ripped their life apart to be with.

 I hear you say: "Shut up and get to the point!" Okay, okay already... ;)

 This transition is not on a set timetable nor will it ever be truly over in many cases. It is up to us guys to pay attention to our behaviors, moods, actions, etc. and to keep in focus the reasons that we married this lady and to make sure that she is in the front of our thoughts and first in our minds and hearts. The other things will still be there for us when we get to them. I won't die if I miss the hockey playoffs (well, I might but it is a gamble I will have to take...) the lawn, the painting, the garden, the (insert whatever you are doing/planning on doing here) will wait for you. She may not if she feels that she is a pretty ornament or feels that she is being taken for granted.

 Doesn't matter if you've been married for a month or 10 years. She is and has to be first in your life.

Shutting up now.

Ken
"Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal."
-- Louis K. Anspacher

Offline Turboguy

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Re: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #34 on: May 02, 2006, 05:14:51 AM »

 Doesn't matter if you've been married for a month or 10 years. She is and has to be first in your life.

Shutting up now.

Ken

I have to think if everyone did that in all marriages that divorce would be a rare thing. 

Offline Voyageur

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Re: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #35 on: May 02, 2006, 06:33:49 AM »
Ken and T/G I agree with you 100 %.

I have noticed that I have had a tendency to relax my "patience" levels internally. I do not mean that I am any different, but I think it is a somewhat natural tendency to "relax" after a while. I want to correct this. I remind myself always of what Ken wrote, about how someone completely changed her life (which was also a good life) to come to this strange country to be with me. I notice this mostly when I am trying to watch the Flyer's playoff games  :(.

Then I remember how long I looked, how long the road was to find her. How lucky I was to find her, how even luckier I am that she saw something in me. And I see her struggle to speak to me in a language that is not her own, and I remember all the reasons why I should be listening to her instead of some announcer on Television  :-\.

Offline Turboguy

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Re: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #36 on: May 02, 2006, 06:02:51 PM »
Good post Voyager.  I ever find the right girl I too will give up the Flyers playoff games.  Actully she can have me 165 hours a week.  The only price she has to pay are the 3 hours in the fall for the Steeler games.  That is my one flaw she is going to have to accept. 

Offline Jumper

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Re: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #37 on: May 02, 2006, 10:47:46 PM »
The Top 3 things initially??

1. Made sure she had almost a year of drivers training ,and almost daily driving in Ukraine before relocation here.
She was ready to drive home from the airport..!!!
and i think that allowed *some* initial freedom and independence ,
as soon as she could find her way around ,(very quickly)
 she was going here and there  daily.

(ok this was likely  a purely selfish thing,
so that i wouldnt have to go grey ,trying to teach her to drive LOL ,
 i'm joking, actually she is a much better driver than me)

2.To initially fly here, bought her a round trip ticket with an open end date..
she could go home to visit (or for good,ouch !! lol ) in one week, one montgh or one year  ,
by simply getting to the airport.
This gave her and her mother/family  some piece of mind in many ways, but mostly on when they would, or could ,see each other again ,,
(we were married before she arrived, it wasnt a K1 )

3.Since her english was good ,and she could get around by herself,
got her involved in the gym, and a few other activities she liked right away..
also ESL, but really just to meet people ..and have someplace to go and something initially to do..besides dwell on the strangeness of a new land..and homesickness.... but shes a social person , and would have done this regardless my help or encourgement..
shes someone who would go completely bonkers sitting at home.

Its why these where atthetop of the list,
on another person/personality the list might be completely different!
The key would be knowing the person well ,what makes them tick
and what would let them adjust the easiest?
*shrugs*
« Last Edit: May 02, 2006, 10:51:45 PM by AJ »
.

Online 2tallbill

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The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #38 on: January 14, 2021, 02:47:27 PM »
Bump,

I will post my response later. I have a deadline to finish something
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline ML

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Re: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #39 on: January 14, 2021, 05:20:53 PM »
1) Got her enrolled in 1 year Intensive English course at local university.

2) Taught her to drive.  Didn't cause any marital strife at all.  We spent a lot of time at empty large parking lots on weekends.

3) We took a ton of trips her first six months or so here.  Niagara Falls, Washington DC., Mountains, Lakes, Florida.  This provided a lot of joy and excitement and kept her mind off of  her family and country.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline GenMish

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Re: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #40 on: January 15, 2021, 06:58:44 AM »
I like MLs answer. I was lucky that my Mom and sisters lived nearby, so that was my number one two and three things that helped. English courses Helped too.

Let me ask this question, what is the one thing you wish you would have done? For me, had a vegtable garden ready to go when she arrived. Dopey me, I knew she gardened in Russia, I just figured she would rather just buy produce at the store. We didnt have one for a few years, and after we got one she just loved to garden. And food you grow really does taste better

Offline I/O

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Re: The 3 Things You Did to Ease Your Wife's Transition?
« Reply #41 on: January 15, 2021, 12:28:46 PM »
Taught her to drive.  Didn't cause any marital strife at all.
Had someone else (Russian speaking) teach her to drive. Caused even less marital strife.....😉

 

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