The 10 Commandments---Age Difference

[SFandEE]

I find the 10 Commandments a very solid foundation and have been able to get these principles in the key relationships that I have been developing.  One thing that is not discussed, but is a subject of discussion on RWD is the age difference (it does show up on the Scam Card).

I am aware of 20 plus differences that work, and I am sure there are others that fail or are more of a mutual understanding relationship.

Very interested in your stories about how your experience with a large age difference played out and when you become aware of how the relationship would develop (marriage, friends with benefits, friends, or arrangement).  Long question, but I have seen some good relationships with an age difference.

[BillyB]

Very interested in your stories about how your experience with a large age difference played out and when you become aware of how the relationship would develop (marriage, friends with benefits, friends, or arrangement). 

My ex Ukrainian wife was 7 years younger than I. Age/maturity wasn't an issue and that wasn't what broke us up.

My ex RW fiancee was 12 year younger than I. All her relatives thought is was a good age difference for a man and woman. Age/maturity wasn't an issue and that wasn't what broke us up.

I've dated RW in their early 20's and asked some about how they feel about our age difference. They usually answer a question with a question such as "Does it bother you?" or "Do you think I'm to young". These questions seem to me if they're worried if I'll accept them. I learned not to ask questions about age anymore because if a RW is going out with you, she's already accepted the age difference.

There are RW that turned me down right from the beginning of correspondence citing our age differences so some do want a man closer to their age. Some want a man younger than themselves too.

Maybe some RW posters will come on on mention the maximum and minimum age difference they'll accept in a relationship. Many RW have told me they don't want to marry a child so I'm curious to how young of a man the ladies here will accept. I remember a 19 yo RW on the forum saying she won't date men under 30. I dated a couple or UW in Kiev about 24 yo each and they said they won't date men under 30. One told me she had one boyfriend under 30 and that was enough.

Assamena was a 21 yo UW poster here a few months ago and in her profile on the internet, her age for men she'd accept are 31-50.

[groovlstk]

I've dated RW in their early 20's and asked some about how they feel about our age difference. They usually answer a question with a question such as "Does it bother you?" or "Do you think I'm to young". These questions seem to me if they're worried if I'll accept them. I learned not to ask questions about age anymore because if a RW is going out with you, she's already accepted the age difference.

Billy, I'm sure you know there's an enormous difference between dating a woman who says she has no problem with a large age difference and actually marrying one and living with her for a few years.

[BillyB]

Billy, I'm sure you know there's an enormous difference between dating a woman who says she has no problem with a large age difference and actually marrying one and living with her for a few years.

Groove, I've been in all kinds of relationships and I'm dating RW who as a collective whole, know many RW who are married to men up to 30+ years older than themselves. If any of those relationships are in trouble, it rarely has anything to do with age. Some of the problems are that the man is controlling, can't perform in bed, is broke financially, deceived her about the life she will live in America, is an arsehole, etc....

If maturity is a problem in a relationship, it's usually caused by the RW being too young and her husband complaining she doesn't have much experience, can't do anything and he starts to look down on her as being stupid and childish in her ways.

If a RW accepted a much older man that she respects in a relationship short term or long term, the age issue is over and there is no reason to discuss it anymore with her. If a man loses a RW respect, then age isn't to blame. A man may question a RW motives for wanting an older man but sincere RW do marry older men and are willing to make their marriage last a lifetime.

[groovlstk]

Groove, I've been in all kinds of relationships and I'm dating RW who as a collective whole, know many RW who are married to men up to 30+ years older than themselves. If any of those relationships are in trouble, it rarely has anything to do with age. Some of the problems are that the man is controlling, can't perform in bed, is broke financially, deceived her about the life she will live in America, is an arsehole, etc....

Billy, I know a little more than I'd like to know of your recent exploits, but my wife and I have a fairly large network of friends here and among the women with older husbands there are often derogatory jokes and comments. I'm pretty sure all of these women swore up and down that the age difference meant nada to them prior to marriage. And yes, there are some secure and happy marriages in the mix, too.

You can come up with a million examples, but my point is that any guy who starts whistling because his 20+ years younger date says she has "no problem" with their big age difference, he is a monumental fool. He and his GF won't know that until well down the road. (And of course that can change, too.)

They usually answer a question with a question such as "Does it bother you?" or "Do you think I'm to young". These questions seem to me if they're worried if I'll accept them.

Do you honestly think these girls are worried that you will dump them because they are too young?  Do you think they just fell out of bed yesterday?

[SFandEE]

Hero Groove--

So the backtalk sounds like these relationships work for her partially, or she would divorce.  Is that right?  I am interested to hear what they say.  Please share.  Do you think they were ever sincere, or were they acting to get to where they are.  The visual I imagine of this behavior is horrible.

I believe the man must be likely kidding himself too--because if he ever had a woman melt in his arms, he would know if she loves him or not.  Having said that, I have some RW friends who are firm that women on dating sites for foreign men are not sincere, especially the young ones.   They basically say don't do this SFandEE, find a nice RW/UW here in California.

[BillyB]

Do you honestly think these girls are worried that you will dump them because they are too young?   

Yes.

my wife and I have a fairly large network of friends here and among the women with older husbands there are often derogatory jokes and comments.

Well, what are they? Are the comments about how hard it is to push their husband in a wheelchair? If their husbands are so old, why do they stay married to them? You say those RW are the friends of yours and your wife's but I have little respect for anyone that speaks poorly of the one that they married. I certainly wouldn't value their words as much.

I'm pretty sure all of these women swore up and down that the age difference meant nada to them prior to marriage.

No, I'm sure they understood they didn't want to marry a child prior to marriage which you seem to not want to accept. If many of these women married a child, their marriage will fail pretty fast. Your large network of friends who married much older than themselves seem to be proof RW do accept men much older than themselves. Men chase women but ultimately it's the woman who chooses her man. A woman can marry an older man, man of roughly the same age, or a younger man of her choosing. If a woman wants a younger man but can't catch one then maybe she's got some issues of her own and whoever she marries old or young, the relationship probably wouldn't last.

Now if you want to tell me your friends married to come to America or for money and they have problems with the age of their husbands, then I will believe you that they do have problems with an age gap because their motives to marry any man are strong enough to overcome the age issue.

And yes, there are some secure and happy marriages in the mix, too.

Glad we can agree on something and proof age doesn't cause the problems within marriage. Usually the problems lie within one or both persons in a failing marriage which is unrelated to age.

[Doll]

How old are you, BillyB?

[BillyB]

How old are you, BillyB?

I'm 40 but most of my dates say I look 33-35ish. That is them saying it, not me. I may be 40 but some days I feel like 80. You wanna come over and push my wheelchair sweety?

[Doll]

Did I say I wanted it?  I just wanted to know how old was the man who wrote so much about the age gap.

[Dave13]

Groovistk, how would you define " well down the road".

[groovlstk]

You say those RW are the friends of yours and your wife's but I have little respect for anyone that speaks poorly of the one that they married. I certainly wouldn't value their words as much.

Billy, every married guy here knows what I mean by "network of Russian friends." You may too, someday.

I don't "value" the words of women who complain about their old fart husbands, but unlike those here who prefer to whistle past the graveyard, I don't ignore it.

[I/O]

SFandEE: As you can see, the static overpowers the discussion and clouds the question in age gap threads. Whether to or not to is ultimately up to you. Don't be sidetracked as Billy has been by whether or not you can bang an 18 y/o. That's a piece of cake. Working an age gap marriage, as Groov points out, is a very 'nother thing. I've done both.

Issues you'll come up against may include things we've come up against and work our way through over time. She wants to travel more, I'm sick of travel and will do what I have to but am not very enthusiastic. She'd like several more kids, I'd like perhaps 1 more. She likes to dance, I like to snooze. She loves to holiday in the highlights, I like the back blocks (we compromise and go to the ocean). She likes to bang in the evening, I prefer the morning.

You'll be hammered for seeking (having) a trophy wife, she'll be patched for having her legs around a money machine, the questions, the BS and the jibes will come.

Most of the issues with age gap marriages are superficial and if the fundamentals are in place at the outset, it shouldn't be too problematic.  Notwithstanding, IMO (and experience) an age gap marriage should be entered into only after considerable calculation and certainly not after a night of being bonked stupid by someone half your age, pleasant though that can be. Rarely is it possible to make these considered calculations across age gaps and add international to that, go figure.

Finally, "Denial" isn't just a river in the Mid East. Of all the marriages I've seen fail and in particular the age gap ones, I've only ever seen one guy with the "ticker" to say, "In the end, the age gap was just too great".
 

[Blues Fairy]

In my "network" there's one young (early 30ish) RW married to a guy 32 years older than her.  They have a solid marriage and a 4-year-old son.  On the surface, all is well.  

Her stories of their courtship and marriage, however, make it quite obvious that she married this 53-year old man at 21 to escape an extremely controlling, aggressive parent.  Most likely mother, I'm not sure - I deduce this from the girl's very peculiar behavior typical of someone whose self-esteem has been methodically trampled on throughout childhood, and from the frequency and context of her mentions of her mom.  Overall, a rather sad impression.  

My point is, it's entirely possible that a young girl may date and marry a man 32 years older, for very legitimate reasons (love, respect etc).  But the psychological basis for those legitimate reasons may be quite unhealthy.  She may be subconsciously looking to fulfill some needs that were unmet in her relationship with her parents.  Don't be blinded by the outward expressions of love and respect; look closely at the person's overall behavior and her interaction with others.  Chances are, you will not be able to "rescue" her and heal the old wounds; they will continue to injure the marriage and the possible children.    

[Simoni]

I am aware of 20 plus differences that work, and I am sure there are others that fail or are more of a mutual understanding relationship.

...I have seen some good relationships with an age difference.

You can come up with a million examples, but my point is that any guy who starts whistling because his 20+ years younger date says she has "no problem" with their big age difference, he is a monumental fool. He and his GF won't know that until well down the road. (And of course that can change, too.)

Oh my.  Another age difference argument.

I beg to differ with Groove here and his "any guy"  and "monumental fool" statement.  The fact is that I live in a Florida seaside condo with 250 units.  The typical age difference is 20 years, with the women in their mid-fifties and the men in their mid-seventies.  And these marriages are "well down the road" with shelf lives of 10 to 15 years.  These are mostly AM to AW marriages, but they illustrate that the age differences do not matter in many cases. 

Thus, I'd say what is much more important in marriage include 1) love; 2) common goals; and 3) a similar outlook in life.

[SFandEE]

More great posts.  Thanks Hero Blues and Hero Simoni.  I found a link on FAQs with some good content--some balance, with caution.

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?pid=16

I hope i can sort through emotional damage, I want a real woman, but am not heroic enough to rescue someone.  I can handle someone with "demerits", but a well-developed character.  I guess I am still a believer that if the hard work is done age is not primary, just a red flag.

One of the points that I would like to see discussed is when in the relationship people see the nature of the relationship revealed.  Perhaps this is where a longer dating path is in order.  Back to the earlier post where women were berating their older men to their friends.  Were there signs that this was not a marriage to be based on love and respect and it moved forward anyways for other discussed reasons or was it her deception that resulted in berating her husband?

[groovlstk]

Groovistk, how would you define " well down the road".

Dave, please don't take my post as a criticism of age gap marriages, I have one myself (my wife is 15 years younger than I). I'm simply saying it's foolishness of a high order to dismiss any concerns about an age gap simply because a very young woman says it's "not a problem" at the beginning of a relationship. She may believe what she is saying 100%, but she won't know it until she's lived it for awhile.

[Simoni]

Back to the earlier post where women were berating their older men to their friends.  Were there signs that this was not a marriage to be based on love and respect and it moved forward anyways for other discussed reasons or was it her deception that resulted in berating her husband?

Ok, not to move the thread from your original point, but I do need to sound one word of warning about this so called "Russian network of friends."  Our experiences has been that such "friends" are not made up of the finest examples of Russian women.  Let me explain our experiences, and how the story unfolded...

A few weeks after arriving, my wife met a Russian girl (Tanya) at university. My wife was very excited to have someone to speak Russian to, and talk about home with.  We had dinner with the couple the next evening, and became lasting friends.  He was a teacher as was she; he was in his mid-fifites and she was 32. 

Flash forward to a week later, when a Russian girl cut my hair at the mall.  When i told Tanya about meeting this other Russian girl, she quickly admonished me "don't tell her about me!"  "Why," I asked?   "You have to be very careful because many Russian women here are bad," Tanya said.  She had learned this through experience, and had discarded nationality as a reason for friendship.  Not excluded--as in my wife's case--but always proceeded with caution.

We have learned the same lesson in our five years together.  My wife's Russian friends are not parts of networks, but just individual friends.  When we associated with RW in networks, we saw the same thing Groove spoke of.

I'm NOT advice newbies to avoid Russian Women's groups; however, I will caution that such women do not represent the typical Russian girls that lucky guys like me marry.

It's much better when the wife meets RW at the park or coffee shop, and not initially online with a group of bitter, back-stabbing women with an agenda.

[groovlstk]

Oh my.  Another age difference argument.

I beg to differ with Groove here and his "any guy"  and "monumental fool" statement.  The fact is that I live in a Florida seaside condo with 250 units.  The typical age difference is 20 years, with the women in their mid-fifties and the men in their mid-seventies.  And these marriages are "well down the road" with shelf lives of 10 to 15 years.  These are mostly AM to AW marriages, but they illustrate that the age differences do not matter in many cases. 

Thus, I'd say what is much more important in marriage include 1) love; 2) common goals; and 3) a similar outlook in life.

ay yi yi, you're completely misinterpreting what I'm saying and turning this into an age gap argument.

[Simoni]

ay yi yi, you're completely misinterpreting what I'm saying and turning this into an age gap argument.

Good :-)  I'm glad you did not mean "any guy" as "every guy" Groove   

[Doll]

It's much better when the wife meets RW at the park or coffee shop, and not initially online with a group of bitter, back-stabbing women with an agenda.

Didn't get it. Why is the "online"  worse than the coffee shop?

[Simoni]

Because online is a group of several hundred women who also meet together in person.  Women at the coffee shop are usually not part of such a "gripe" group and better represent the real RW.

Women in groups tend to be Green Card girls that married for the wrong reasons.

[groovlstk]

Back to the earlier post where women were berating their older men to their friends.  Were there signs that this was not a marriage to be based on love and respect and it moved forward anyways for other discussed reasons or was it her deception that resulted in berating her husband?
 -

SFandEE, one of the things you will likely have to deal with if you marry a RW - regardless of her age - is gossipy BS from some of the people in your life - friends, neighbors co-workers, etc. It's something I believe you just have to accept as going with the territory.

And yes, some of the women we see at parties mock their husbands. Some married for love and things just went sour, others married for convenience or stability. When my wife arrived a few years ago, she met a lot of local women who were married to both American and Russian guys. Many of them confided in her before they even met about their lovers back home, their current husbands' bad habits, their future plans. She used to scratch her head and ask me why the heck these women were so open about their faults, as people she met back home in Moscow never opened up to her so quickly. Then it dawned on her: they all instantly assume she's the same by virtue of how she arrived.

And yes, we DO know couples who are very happily married, some even with big age gaps

Bottom line I think is that you shouldn't be scared off by horror stories or try to interpret statistics about RW-AM marriages unless you're headed to Vegas to place a bet. Don't believe the BS you read about RW being "different" than other women in what they look for in a mate. Put your heart and soul into this, leave no stone unturned, and most of all don't don't get seriously involved with any woman who isn't absolutely crazy about you.

[Doll]

Because online is a group of several hundred women who also meet together in person.  Women at the coffee shop are usually not part of such a "gripe" group and better represent the real RW.

Women in groups tend to be Green Card girls that married for the wrong reasons.

How are "women at the coffee shop"  more real than "women in groups"?

[Doll]

Because online is a group of several hundred women who also meet together in person.  Women at the coffee shop are usually not part of such a "gripe" group and better represent the real RW.

Women in groups tend to be Green Card girls that married for the wrong reasons.

Can we apply same logic to the AM on this forum versus AM " in the bars" or "golf clubs"? I guess we can.