Are RW emotionally cold?

[oziduncs]

Hello!

I am new to this site, so go easy on me

I have been with my partner for over a year. We have been on a couple of hoildays and I lived with her last year in St.Petersburg. I fell in love and proposed about 1 week before my visa expired.

She is VERY family orientated and spends every weekend with family, not friends in fact she has few friends due to this.

Since me leaving, its been a long distance relationship (LDR) and if you have been in these shoes, believe me its been difficult but I wanted to share somethings to see what your experience are…

Firstly, are all Russian women cold?

* only once I can remember that she said that she missed me in 5 months. She would write it on chat on Skype quite frequently after we hung up, but never face to face. I don't have to hear it all the time but to never hear it? Is this cold? or maybe she just doesn't have feelings for me? or is this normal?

With her not showing much emotion, I started to question myself and had doubts creep into my mind. Start to think about things more than I should of.. this is the down side to LDR, things that could be patched up in a moment can drag on as your not together as such. We had been apart about 5 months so I suggested to have a holiday in Thailand which is about half way for us. With my negative thoughts creeping in about us, I thought that I would know her true feelings when I see her next, what sort of reaction she would have when we met after so long apart.

*  When I saw her she was talking to information desk and I came up and I squeezed her arm and she turned and said 'Oh hi' and continued talking to information desk. Later, she knew I was upset as I didn't get the reaction I was expecting, like someone who missed me, instead I got a casual hi. I didn't know what to expect, maybe a hug and a kiss would of been natural but 'Oh hi' after 3 months apart with the person you are to marry? is this not cold? or she does not care? or is this normal? or was her information desk conversation really more important?

To be fair to her, she showed a lot of feeling towards me after I told her how I felt and could not understand her cold as ice feelings. She was visibly upset when we departed. This makes it all the more CONFUSING for me….

Do they all keep their cards so close to their chest and not show emotion?

After that holiday in Thailand when we got back, she posted up every photo of her on facebook not one with us. Im not saying that she did this to look single or anything like that, but after such an important holiday, not one photograph of us?? Is that odd? or cold?? or selfish?? or normal??

The same holiday she paid for nothing, which I have accepted in the past, but after these toxic thoughts that creep into your mind and after reading bad and sad experiences here it got me thinking…

She paid for nothing, except her presents for her family. She did not to even buy me a coffee, drink or dinner, and she did not even offer or gesture? Isn't that selfish?? or is that normal?? I could understand if she was poor or not well paid but she works for a large European telecoms company and for Russian standards is doing quite well and is not short of money.

I am so glad that I lived in Russia before asking her to marry, I would probably given up by now if I didn't. Living their has opened my eyes and made me understand so much more about her and her life.

Since LDR, I now occasionally have negative thoughts thinking did I have rose tinted glasses on when we were living together? and almost treating things that don't make sense with suspicion which is not healthy so I thought to throw it out here as a sounding board or maybe I should harden the f*!k up?

Thanks for reading my post
Dazed and Confused…..

[Ade]

Firstly, are all Russian women cold?

Do they all keep their cards so close to their chest and not show emotion?

No and no.

[GregfromGa]

I would be a little concerned. I think your suspicions are warranted. The facebook thing wouldve pissed me off as well. She does sound selfish.

[groovlstk]

Do they all keep their cards so close to their chest and not show emotion?

After that holiday in Thailand when we got back, she posted up every photo of her on facebook not one with us. Im not saying that she did this to look single or anything like that, but after such an important holiday, not one photograph of us?? Is that odd? or cold?? or selfish?? or normal??

oziduncs, you're setting yourself up to be used like a rented mule.

Many have come here before you with the same situation, wondering if their GF's indifference or coldness is the result of some odd conservative social mores or cultural differences. Don't fall into the same trap.

[SMS60]

First off consider this. Leave her out of it. This is about you.

There is no such thing as a LDR unless there is concrete plans for the future. What you have is a long distance pen pal. What you are experiencing is the exact reason this is not a LDR. Its a myth. Relationships consist of emotional support, shoulders to lean on, guidance in life, dining partners, worship partners, activity partners, sex partners, drinking partners, problem solvers.......anyways you are not experiencing this now. So your not in a relationship.

If she is your fiance what does she say about the future? Please dont tell me you are going to try to convince her you will move to her city and live with her. Dont do it.

One other thing...........................Most LDR's dont work because one of the participants ussually starts to drift away. This is only natural. IE...your situation.

Just think what it would be like if you had a relationship with someone you could actually touch everyday. Its all in your hands to make it happen. Go out with a local woman this weekend.

[Faux Pas]

Hello oziduncs! Welcome to RWD

Hello!

I am new to this site, so go easy on me

I have been with my partner for over a year. We have been on a couple of hoildays and I lived with her last year in St.Petersburg. I fell in love and proposed about 1 week before my visa expired.

She is VERY family orientated and spends every weekend with family, not friends in fact she has few friends due to this.

Since me leaving, its been a long distance relationship (LDR) and if you have been in these shoes, believe me its been difficult but I wanted to share somethings to see what your experience are…

Firstly, are all Russian women cold?

The answer is no. Some women are cold and some are not. It has nothing to do with being Russian whether she is cold or not.

* only once I can remember that she said that she missed me in 5 months. She would write it on chat on Skype quite frequently after we hung up, but never face to face. I don't have to hear it all the time but to never hear it? Is this cold? or maybe she just doesn't have feelings for me? or is this normal?

With her not showing much emotion, I started to question myself and had doubts creep into my mind. Start to think about things more than I should of.. this is the down side to LDR, things that could be patched up in a moment can drag on as your not together as such. We had been apart about 5 months so I suggested to have a holiday in Thailand which is about half way for us. With my negative thoughts creeping in about us, I thought that I would know her true feelings when I see her next, what sort of reaction she would have when we met after so long apart.

You seem to be quite the "needy type" here oziduncs. Maybe she is just not a woman that expresses herself in such a way? If you are 'in love" with this woman as you have claimed, how could you fall for a woman who is emotionally blank? You have to seriously ask yourself if this woman can make you happy for the rest of your days. She is what she is and she won't change because you are needy. Quite frankly I sense you are asking whether she loves you or not. There's no way we could know that

*  When I saw her she was talking to information desk and I came up and I squeezed her arm and she turned and said 'Oh hi' and continued talking to information desk. Later, she knew I was upset as I didn't get the reaction I was expecting, like someone who missed me, instead I got a casual hi. I didn't know what to expect, maybe a hug and a kiss would of been natural but 'Oh hi' after 3 months apart with the person you are to marry? is this not cold? or she does not care? or is this normal? or was her information desk conversation really more important?

To be fair to her, she showed a lot of feeling towards me after I told her how I felt and could not understand her cold as ice feelings. She was visibly upset when we departed. This makes it all the more CONFUSING for me….

Again, here you are just completely much too needy. The fact that she was busy talking to someone when you approached seems to be completely lost on you. What you have taken up and now reading into it. Perhaps she is a bit on the cold side and would have greeted anyone in the same manner as she did you, this is the person you said you fell in love with?

Do they all keep their cards so close to their chest and not show emotion?

Some women do and some women don't. Again, it has nothing to do with being a RW. She may have very good and valid reasons for doing so or, she may be a snake in the grass looking to pounce you at the first available opportunity. Which is the woman you know and fell in love with?

After that holiday in Thailand when we got back, she posted up every photo of her on facebook not one with us. Im not saying that she did this to look single or anything like that, but after such an important holiday, not one photograph of us?? Is that odd? or cold?? or selfish?? or normal??

Here is an area of great concern, not because she didn't post your pics on facebook but, it seems she is not proud of you or the relationship. Any woman, no matter her nationality in love is going to beam and be proud of you. Did she post solo pics of her or you? It is not cold, it is odd and certainly not normal. The pics have nothing to do with it, the lack of enthusiasm has everything to do with it. You are planning on marrying this lady and she makes you miserable with shame from her lack of enthusiasm.

The same holiday she paid for nothing, which I have accepted in the past, but after these toxic thoughts that creep into your mind and after reading bad and sad experiences here it got me thinking

She paid for nothing, except her presents for her family. She did not to even buy me a coffee, drink or dinner, and she did not even offer or gesture? Isn't that selfish?? or is that normal?? I could understand if she was poor or not well paid but she works for a large European telecoms company and for Russian standards is doing quite well and is not short of money.

So she is cold and greedy. Again, how could you love a woman like this? Is it the hot body? Don't substitute companionship for love.

I am so glad that I lived in Russia before asking her to marry, I would probably given up by now if I didn't. Living their has opened my eyes and made me understand so much more about her and her life.

Since LDR, I now occasionally have negative thoughts thinking did I have rose tinted glasses on when we were living together? and almost treating things that don't make sense with suspicion which is not healthy so I thought to throw it out here as a sounding board or maybe I should harden the f*!k up?

Thanks for reading my post
Dazed and Confused…..

Kudos to you for making that move and living with her but, I'm afraid you didn't get to "know" her. If so, many of these questions you would know the answers to already. You are the quintessential "needy guy". One of the worst cases I've seen at RWD in quite a while. She could be a wonderful woman and great marriage material but you'll never know if you marry her now. Doesn't seem that you know each other to any degree that a man and woman who are getting married need to know each other. Good luck to you guy, you're probably going to need it, her too.

[GregfromGa]

Couple of questions,

How many times have you visited her?
Did she introduce you to her family?
If you went to visit her in winter did she straighten your scarf?
Does she care if you are hungry?

You are probably going to get ore than a few opinions on this but none of us were in your bedroom in Thailand. None of us know how she acts when she's around you or more importantly when she's not around you. Do you think she misses you when you are not around?

[Miri22]

IMHO I don't think Oziduncs sounds needy at all, 3 months apart is quite a long time and one should expect public displays of emotion. The fact that she did not post any pictures of the two of you together on holiday speaks volumes in a negative way. Also, think of this - there's obvious red flags/alarm bells going off within your mind that have driven you to ask these questions to a group of strangers on the Internet, yes?
It's pretty clear you know the answers to your own fate.

[Faux Pas]

I am the last one to be making excuses for this woman but, some people are emotionally devoid and never show emotion. That doesn't in of itself make them a bad or nefarious person. It seems to me oziduncs has a lot more "learning" to do about this woman he plans to marry. He is obviously emotionally needy and it appears she has problems filling that need

[mialia]

Hello!

I am new to this site, so go easy on me

I have been with my partner for over a year. We have been on a couple of hoildays and I lived with her last year in St.Petersburg. I fell in love and proposed about 1 week before my visa expired.

She is VERY family orientated and spends every weekend with family, not friends in fact she has few friends due to this.

Since me leaving, its been a long distance relationship (LDR) and if you have been in these shoes, believe me its been difficult but I wanted to share somethings to see what your experience are…

Firstly, are all Russian women cold?

* only once I can remember that she said that she missed me in 5 months. She would write it on chat on Skype quite frequently after we hung up, but never face to face. I don't have to hear it all the time but to never hear it? Is this cold? or maybe she just doesn't have feelings for me? or is this normal?

With her not showing much emotion, I started to question myself and had doubts creep into my mind. Start to think about things more than I should of.. this is the down side to LDR, things that could be patched up in a moment can drag on as your not together as such. We had been apart about 5 months so I suggested to have a holiday in Thailand which is about half way for us. With my negative thoughts creeping in about us, I thought that I would know her true feelings when I see her next, what sort of reaction she would have when we met after so long apart.

*  When I saw her she was talking to information desk and I came up and I squeezed her arm and she turned and said 'Oh hi' and continued talking to information desk. Later, she knew I was upset as I didn't get the reaction I was expecting, like someone who missed me, instead I got a casual hi. I didn't know what to expect, maybe a hug and a kiss would of been natural but 'Oh hi' after 3 months apart with the person you are to marry? is this not cold? or she does not care? or is this normal? or was her information desk conversation really more important?

To be fair to her, she showed a lot of feeling towards me after I told her how I felt and could not understand her cold as ice feelings. She was visibly upset when we departed. This makes it all the more CONFUSING for me….

Do they all keep their cards so close to their chest and not show emotion?

After that holiday in Thailand when we got back, she posted up every photo of her on facebook not one with us. Im not saying that she did this to look single or anything like that, but after such an important holiday, not one photograph of us?? Is that odd? or cold?? or selfish?? or normal??

The same holiday she paid for nothing, which I have accepted in the past, but after these toxic thoughts that creep into your mind and after reading bad and sad experiences here it got me thinking…

She paid for nothing, except her presents for her family. She did not to even buy me a coffee, drink or dinner, and she did not even offer or gesture? Isn't that selfish?? or is that normal?? I could understand if she was poor or not well paid but she works for a large European telecoms company and for Russian standards is doing quite well and is not short of money.

I am so glad that I lived in Russia before asking her to marry, I would probably given up by now if I didn't. Living their has opened my eyes and made me understand so much more about her and her life.

Since LDR, I now occasionally have negative thoughts thinking did I have rose tinted glasses on when we were living together? and almost treating things that don't make sense with suspicion which is not healthy so I thought to throw it out here as a sounding board or maybe I should harden the f*!k up?

Thanks for reading my post
Dazed and Confused…..

hi there here is a look from the other side

about "i miss you" words ... it was easy for her to write it but difficult to say... i have had exactly the same thing with my ex. i couldn't say anything nice to my boyfriend after i haven't seen him for more than 3 months. Why? you will laugh now:))). as it was for so long that we didn't see each other - i started to share my ex from the person i write to. difficult to explain... for me it became like there are two different people.. so when we finely met - i was struggling to say something nice to him, as i felt like I'm betraying the one i was writing to, even if i knew that it is the same person.. that what happens with LDR.. skype chat and letters become your reality and replace in your mind the real person... it doesn't mean that she behave so for the same reason and this reason is common for the all RW, of course. it was the way i felt myself .

what about her, didn't pay for anything - yes it is normall. We still have this thing in our society that man should pay for woman, even if they earn equally..  we grew up with this.. some women may be more pro-western in those questions, they share expenses, but the majority is not even thinking about paying, for some of the guys in my country its even kind of humiliation ... they won't let the women to pay for themselves, so that's why we are never offer it. If it is such a problem for you - talk to her, let her know, I'm sure she doesn't give a clue you expect her to pay for anything, because she was never expected to pay.

what about any signs of affection... did she ever refused your kiss or your touch? if no - she is not cold and she does have feelings for you.. Have you ever thought that maybe she is just that type of women who needs to be taken? like if you want her kiss - you shouldn't wait till she will do it - she won't, even if she wants it more than you do, but she needs you to come and take this kiss from her? so in this case her cold behaviour is the biggest sign of affection you could get from her. by this behaviour she is provoking you to touch her more, to show more affection. so, the colder she is - the more she wants you to take her. how about that? also, it is just some of my thoughts, but not the law of behaving of all RW. )

[Boethius]

If you perceive she is cold and this bothers you now, it will bother you a lot more when you are married.

If you are having any doubts, then she is not the woman for you, and it would be unfair to her, as well as to you, to marry.

[SomeGuy]

I think Faux Pas is coming off a bit strongly here - LD relationships can be tough, and expecting a warm welcome after time away isn't unreasonable at all, in my opinion.  They guy obviously has some questions on his relationship, and distance can make some of those passing thoughts or concerns come to the forefront.

I do agree with this, though, very much so.

Maybe she is just not a woman that expresses herself in such a way? If you are 'in love" with this woman as you have claimed, how could you fall for a woman who is emotionally blank? You have to seriously ask yourself if this woman can make you happy for the rest of your days.

If you lived together for any period of time, you should definitely know who she is and who she is not, and be able to act accordingly.  If you are someone that needs a more 'touchy' type of constant affection, and she is not that type, you might have some issues there, beyond what seems to be the case of not knowing her well after living together.  

This seems to be more of a relationship issue than anything else; some women may be cold, others certainly are not.  
What were things like when you lived together?
Maybe you need to take a look at your own relationship needs, forget her appearance, and then just ask yourself if she meets those needs, and if you've known each other long enough to answer that question definitively?

[Faux Pas]

I think Faux Pas is coming off a bit strongly here - LD relationships can be tough, and expecting a warm welcome after time away isn't unreasonable at all, in my opinion.  They guy obviously has some questions on his relationship, and distance can make some of those passing thoughts or concerns come to the forefront.

I beg to differ but no matter. The bottom line is ozidunc needs these things in "his" relationship (from his descriptions). The fact that she isn't providing them doesn't make her a bad person but it is certain;y a time for him to reflect and decide if this lady will meet his needs. Can he meet hers by demanding that she be more responsive to him and her needs.

This could be a marriage for the ages. I would say at this point they don't know and have no idea and should definitely work and learn more about each other before stepping off of that cliff.

ozidunc, my wife who is very Russian is never emotionally unattached but, I do not attribute that to her being Russian. She is always happy and emotional to see me after I have been away. She dotes on me and always looking to satisfy some need she perceives I may have. Not because she is Russian but, because she is a woman she leaves no doubt in my mind that she loves me.

You have to ask yourself and answer honestly, would you put up with that particular behavior if it was an American woman that lived near you and you dated for two years. No need to post your answer but, you'll have it. Keep in mind the stages of dating are the most bliss in any relationship. If she were to be even more colder toward you, can you tolerate that?

[Shadow]

You have been around her for one year, lived with her and proposed.
Five months later, no paperwork being done, no visa being applied for ?
How about wedding plans ?

I would think that if you love and miss her as much as you mention, some things have to move forward. Do not make excuses for anything, you got to work towards living your life together and anything less will be seen as you not being serious.

[BillyB]

I am new to this site, so go easy on me

Why do you say that? Did any of us give the impression we go hard? We'll be gentle and put some lube on the white glove before we tell you to bend over.

I didn't know what to expect, maybe a hug and a kiss would of been natural but 'Oh hi' after 3 months apart with the person you are to marry?

Does she know she's your fiancee? Ask her this question and tell her what prompted you to bring up the subject is the fact she tells the whole World about Thailand, not you. Does she mentioned she's engaged to be married on her site(s)?

You did say she gave you more feelings after the incident. It's up to you if you want to live with it.

[tim 360]

Ozidunics,  From what you have written it seems you need some positive reinforcement from her and it sounds like you are disappointed that it is not forthcoming from her.  You are the one who has spent all that time with her and know her, so what do her actions/inactions tell you?  Is being "cold" her nature?

There is much you have left out.  Do you have the expectation that she will warm up to you in the future when you are married?  When are you gettting married?  Too little info from you.  Usually a woman who loves you will have zero problem letting you know it.

[Gator]

Ozidunics,

Your best barometer is how she treats family and friends.   If you are talking marriage, she should be much more affectionate with you than with her closest friend and family.  Observe and decide.

I don't know what you have in your woman.  Only you can decide.  More correctly, only you can decide if this is how you want your wife to behave.

All of us are different.  If you desire a warm and fuzzy relationship, and it sounds as if you do, find another woman.  I knew a couple of RW who bubbled over with sensitivity and affection, way too much for me, one step short of cuddles and baby talk.  I never told them that, just moved on.  I don't like cold fish either.

To answer your question, IMO the average RW seems less emotional than the average AW.  Exceptions exist.

[Breeze-J]

Kudos to you for making that move and living with her but, I'm afraid you didn't get to "know" her. If so, many of these questions you would know the answers to already. You are the quintessential "needy guy". One of the worst cases I've seen at RWD in quite a while. She could be a wonderful woman and great marriage material but you'll never know if you marry her now. Doesn't seem that you know each other to any degree that a man and woman who are getting married need to know each other. Good luck to you guy, you're probably going to need it, her too.

+1

If you perceive she is cold and this bothers you now, it will bother you a lot more when you are married.

If you are having any doubts, then she is not the woman for you, and it would be unfair to her, as well as to you, to marry.

+1

Hi oziduncs

Even through she is very reserved
one year (!!)   is enough that you would not doubt her feelings and care of you

Even through she have kind feelings  her actions look selfish

What thoughts do you have with such relationship? basically sad or basically light and happy

[oziduncs]

Couple of questions,

How many times have you visited her?
Several times.

Did she introduce you to her family?
Yes on the first visit. At the start her parents were a bit apprehensive about me, which is normal. Now they are fine.

If you went to visit her in winter did she straighten your scarf?
Yes she would, my doubts have only been since I have left and we are on Skype (7 months now).

Does she care if you are hungry?
Yes.

You are probably going to get ore than a few opinions on this but none of us were in your bedroom in Thailand. None of us know how she acts when she's around you or more importantly when she's not around you. Do you think she misses you when you are not around?
I'm sure she does miss but she doesn't express it. If I was 100% certain I would not of posted up here. Things were fine when I was over their, its only since LDR..
Thanks.

[oziduncs]

oziduncs, you're setting yourself up to be used like a rented mule.

Many have come here before you with the same situation, wondering if their GF's indifference or coldness is the result of some odd conservative social mores or cultural differences. Don't fall into the same trap.

I appreciate your honesty, even if its not what I wanted to hear.

[oziduncs]

Why do you say that? Did any of us give the impression we go hard? We'll be gentle and put some lube on the white glove before we tell you to bend over.

Cheers for the lube, some people are not that considerate.

Does she know she's your fiancee? Ask her this question and tell her what prompted you to bring up the subject is the fact she tells the whole World about Thailand, not you. Does she mentioned she's engaged to be married on her site(s)?

Yeah she has it down as we are engaged on her facebook page, which is why I dont understand this.

You did say she gave you more feelings after the incident. It's up to you if you want to live with it.

[BillyB]

Yeah she has it down as we are engaged on her facebook page

Great, she's advertising to the World she's engaged. Maybe she didn't want to post your photo without permission. Tell her she has your permission.

The more you say in your last few posts, the less you have to worry about IMO. It sounds like she cares about you. Next time you see her in Thailand or anywhere else, you make the first move to give her a hug and kiss using your tongue, not a peck on the cheek. She's going to be your wife so take her as if she is your wife.

[groovlstk]

I appreciate your honesty, even if its not what I wanted to hear.

I had to face the same realization myself years ago with a Ukrainian lass, and it was downright unpleasant.

FWIW, the woman I eventually married was crazy about me and still is - I shudder to this day when I think about what I almost settled for.

[Faux Pas]

oziduncs

It is completely natural to have doubts and second thoughts. It really isn't natural that you have these particular doubts with a woman you are going to  marry. You said you are in love with this woman. Nobody here questions that but, you have some soul searching to do and answer these questions for yourself.

FWIW, I second what Billy is saying, treat this woman like she is going to be your wife. When she responds with a non-chalant "Hi". grab a hold of her and kiss her like you've missed her instead of accepting only what she tosses out. Be the "man"

[oziduncs]

Thanks for everyone who posted up here. It made me think about some things I have not thought about in the past. When I proposed to her, I had no doubts about her. The things I described has all been since I have left Russia 7 months ago and us not living together (apologies if this was not conveyed previously). We have applied for fiance visa and only 1 more month to wait. Skype as good as it is, is obviously not the same. Some bad stories I have read on here, I start to question her recent behavior, which I mentioned, and I did think was odd at the time.

If it all works out for us, I will look back and think that maybe posting here was not right to write such things on a web site but then if it fails miserably, anyone can say 'hello, the red flags were right in front of you!'.