Re: Contacting Men on Dating Sites

[Aloe]

To Olga or any Other RW who cares to respond:

I spoke to a number of RW who volunteered that when starting this endeavor they had written to a number of men.  All said it was a waste of time.

One was enamored with Finnish men, so she wrote every Finnish man at one agency.  The men either ignored her or said "No thank you."  

In contrast, Olga, reading between the lines you seem to have a favorable experience with writing men first.  Is this true?

Complete waste of time. I went thru all the 700+ at the time platinum and gold members on EM (that took me like 10 hours, and i carefully read every single profile where i liked the picture, so that was a gigantic effort on my part) and wrote to the 10 i liked. 9 left my message unread, 1 replied that i was too young. So i replied to him trying to convince him to give it a try, then he replied out of the blue with accusations that im a scammer, and if not, then id come over and divorce him after a couple years and take half his stuff. Really bizarre. But i see preconceptions, paranoia and self esteem issues were obviously at work there. Cuz he was a very handsome guy, definitely looking younger than his age (or with old pictures?). One of those 10, surprisingly, also wrote to me like half a year later. He said he didnt reply to me back then because he wasn't open to the idea of dating someone so young back then. But he turned out to be one of those guys who feel the need to CONSTANTLY show off, "oh i have this, oh i know this celeb, oh i did that", boring  

[Aloe]

By the way, it is really quite stupid that foreign dating sites block russian IP's, because they work just fine if you use a freely and easily availabe thru the net proxy to post your profile. So what they do is weed out sincere girls that do not know how to use a proxy, and invite in all the scammers that are very likely to know how to use a proxy. I posted my profile on yahoo thru a proxy, just to see who writes to me compared to EM. Theoretically that is insincere, considering i wasnt in USA, but i wasnt contacting anyone either, just looking around. Eventually i deleted my profile without talking to anyone, cuz the location in my profile was not real. So yeah, they are doing a great job weeding out sincere ladies.

[Shadow]

By the way, it is really quite stupid that foreign dating sites block russian IP's, because they work just fine if you use a freely and easily availabe thru the net proxy to post your profile. So what they do is weed out sincere girls that do not know how to use a proxy, and invite in all the scammers that are very likely to know how to use a proxy. I posted my profile on yahoo thru a proxy, just to see who writes to me compared to EM. Theoretically that is insincere, considering i wasnt in USA, but i wasnt contacting anyone either, just looking around. Eventually i deleted my profile without talking to anyone, cuz the location in my profile was not real. So yeah, they are doing a great job weeding out sincere ladies.

That is called stopping the competition. 

[vwrw]

vwrw, I find your logic faulty. The mere fact that I step outside my house everyday into the world and go to a bar or a shopping center does in essence project me into the world. It doesn't mean I am open to an international relationship with a woman from Russia. I am available to any woman from Russia just by the fact I am in public. Nothing changes. Perhaps not as easy to communicate but still available. Because I have a web presence on the WWW doesn't mean I invite anyone in the world to respond.

You are correct when you step outside your house, it doesn't mean you are open to an international relationship. However, when you publish your profile on World Wide Web dating site, and you do not specify you are not interested in an international relationship or limit the distance within which you are seeking a partner, any reasonable person would assume that you might be (not necessarily is) interested in an international relationship since you did not say anything to the contrary. In other words, your act of publishing your profile on World Wide Web dating site implicitly suggests  that you invite or solicit contacts from any women who meet your STATED criteria. 

I understand your point that you had no intent to find an international relationship and your ignorance about the reasonable person test, which is used to determine your objective intent as it is manifested itself, made the contacts from the allegedly  foreign women seemed unsolicited to you. Yet, your subjective perspective on how your act of publishing your profile on World Wide Web dating site should be interpreted is irrelevant to how a reasonable person would interpret it. A reasonable person is not a mind reader, and she cannot use the divine capacity to find out your thoughts, which were not expressed in your profile. Nor is Olga a mind reader to find out that your use of the term “unsolicited” conveyed your unstated absence of desire to get involved in an international relationship.

There's a bigger picture here your logic still doesn't address and that is uninvited, unsolicited. OM may be different and you may be different but when I receive an unwanted, uninvited, unsolicited offer from a FSUW, I am not interested, because my experience has taught me 9 of 10 or perhaps better is a scam or some other gamer. Did you contact any of the four men you mentioned on an American social, singles site or did you just directly send them an email with no site involved?

I did not the mention that I contacted four men.

May be I have already addressed the bigger picture, and you simply fail to read that. Anyway what is your question driving at? Do you try to prove me that the majority of WM who got a message from allegedly FSUW when they were on an internet site that does not specialize in international matching most likely got it from a scam or some other gamer? You do not have to convince me in that, I agree with that. What I disagree with is that use of the term “unsolicited” in the given context was appropriate.

[Gator]

When I was seeking my life partner, I initiated contacts with three men...I would not say that my experience of  contact initiation as a waste of time.

So it does work.  Good to know.  Thanks for sharing.

One of those men became main competitor of my husband and was defeated.

   Was it hand to hand combat?

[vwrw]

  Was it hand to hand combat?

Oh, no dear Gator.  I, as the contemporary civilized society, prize the intellectual superiority over the physical superiority. Therefore, the combat was purely intellectual. 

[Blues Fairy]

So it does work.  Good to know. 

It works if one knows how to write.

I wrote quite a few men and had about 50% response rate.  Technically I just sent them an icebreaker (a short predefined phrase offered by the website, sent by a click of a mouse), which led them to my profile.  But my profile was written in a non-traditional style, kind of playful and indirect, which left them wondering what exactly I was after.  The pictures also reflected the image I wanted to project - a little mystery, a little playfulness (all that with my IQ and education level displayed right there).  As a result, in response to my icebreaker, men sent me letters full of questions which provided excellent food for further writing.  Out of this, I got a few very decent penpals, one of which I later married.  

[Faux Pas]

You are correct when you step outside your house, it doesn't mean you are open to an international relationship. However, when you publish your profile on World Wide Web dating site, and you do not specify you are not interested in an international relationship or limit the distance within which you are seeking a partner, any reasonable person would assume that you might be (not necessarily is) interested in an international relationship since you did not say anything to the contrary. In other words, your act of publishing your profile on World Wide Web dating site implicitly suggests  that you invite or solicit contacts from any women who meet your STATED criteria. 

That could go either way depending on the individual. Some might see a profile anywhere on the net as an invitation to anyone in the world. Others might see it differently. One could find endless examples of both. There is a big difference in an international relationship and a local one from a point of logistics. Assumed or implied when one is on a local site would be that the profiler is looking for a local date. Likewise, when one is on an international site it is safe to assume they are looking for an international relationship. Why you feel it must be written explicitly is a bit confusing.

I understand your point that since you had no intent to find an international relationship and your ignorance about the reasonable person test, which is used to determine your objective intent as it is manifested itself, made the contacts from the allegedly  foreign women seemed unsolicited to you. Yet, your subjective perspective on how your act of publishing your profile on World Wide Web dating site should be interpreted is irrelevant to how a reasonable person would interpret it. A reasonable person is not a mind reader, and she cannot use the divine capacity to find out your thoughts, which were not expressed in your profile. Nor is Olga a mind reader to find out that your use of the term “unsolicited” conveyed your unstated absence of desire to get involved in an international relationship.

vwrw, you seem intent on complicating this point that really isn't complicated. Again, probably more a case of personal preference than anything else. I personally would not go to a local Russian site looking for a woman for an international relationship. I know there are a few here who advocate doing just that. And there is a Desperado at RWD who posts himself on every local Russian site and every other site he can find. IMO, if the ladies wanted an international relationship they'd be on a site built for it.

I did not the mention that I contacted four men.

May be I have already addressed the bigger picture, and you simply fail to read that. Anyway what is your question driving at? Do you try to prove me that the majority of WM who got a message for allegedly FSUW when they were on an internet site that does not specialize in international matching most likely got it from a scam or some other gamer? You do not have to convince me in that, I agree with that. What I disagree with is that use of the term “unsolicited” in the given context was appropriate.

[/quote]

I stand corrected, 3 men.

Did you contact these men from a local dating site, an international site or a RW site/marriage agency? I'm not trying to prove anything. I am trying to understand why "unsolicited" seems to be such a dirty word to you and Olga

[GQBlues]

This thread made me wonder how many men that came through this hall that members have seen or known in the past/present who were actually successful and married a FSUW who sent them unsolicited mail from, er, Yahoo dating...vs of course, men who got scammed. I wonder what the ratio would be.

[GQBlues]

I went thru all the 700+ at the time platinum and gold members on EM (that took me like 10 hours, and i carefully read every single profile where i liked the picture, so that was a gigantic effort on my part) and wrote to the 10 i liked. 9 left my message unread, 1 replied that i was too young. So i replied to him trying to convince him to give it a try...

Dang Aloe. One out of 700+ and you were still left trying to convince the one to give it a try? You at least get a AAA+ for effort. But I'm glad to know you found your hubby and things seem to have worked out the best for you.

[Gator]

Oh, no dear Gator.  I, as the contemporary civilized society, prize the intellectual superiority over the physical superiority. Therefore, the combat was purely intellectual. 

Knowing Turbo, that doesn't say much for the other guy. 



[ed. Just having fun, and there is no element of truth in my joke contrary  to the Russian saying.]

[Gator]

Aloe, 700?!

I admire your determination and energy.  Your husband is smart in marrying such a fine woman.

...1 replied that i was too young.

The sun rose in the West that day.  For a man to take the time to say that is a first.  Wonder what went through his mind?  Perhaps you were too young to learn how to operate a vacuum cleaner?   

[vwrw]

Knowing Turbo, that doesn't say much for the other guy. 

[ed. Just having fun, and there is no element of truth in my joke contrary  to the Russian saying.]

I, as nobody else, know that there is no element of truth in your joke. We live together for almost three year, and he gave me no even smallest reason to doubt his intellectual superiority. His scope of knowledge, skills, and abilities regularly amaze me.   

[Gator]

I, as nobody else, know that there is no element of truth in your joke. We live together for almost three year, and he gave me no even smallest reason to doubt his intellectual superiority. His scope of knowledge, skills, and abilities regularly amaze me.   

I agree, and Turbo has an endearing humble attitude to the point of being self-deprecating.  There should be more like him (bringing happiness to more VWRWs). 

[Misha]

Faux Pas, to address an issue raised in your last post, I met my wife on a "local" Russian dating site as she was not looking specifically for a foreigner. Just because you are looking locally does not mean that you won't consider a good candidate who comes from another country.

[Faux Pas]

Faux Pas, to address an issue raised in your last post, I met my wife on a "local" Russian dating site as she was not looking specifically for a foreigner. Just because you are looking locally does not mean that you won't consider a good candidate who comes from another country.

Ah geez Misha where did I say that she wouldn't? I did say more than once "IMO" and "in my experience 95% no strike that 110% of the unsolicited contacts I got were scammers". Unsolicited seems to be a dirty word to some. Did you read the whole thread or just skim it? There seems to be some blood sucking off of a sentence from a post of mine that was posted well out of context and then blown out of purportion

[Misha]

Such an aggressive reaction to my post was uncalled IMO for Faux Pas. If you are going to lash this way, then I will not bother replying.

[vwrw]

Very smart decision, Misha.

[Faux Pas]

Such an aggressive reaction to my post was uncalled IMO for Faux Pas. If you are going to lash this way, then I will not bother replying.

That wasn't my intention Misha. I apologize

[Shadow]

Ah geez Misha where did I say that she wouldn't? I did say more than once "IMO" and "in my experience 95% no strike that 110% of the unsolicited contacts I got were scammers". Unsolicited seems to be a dirty word to some. Did you read the whole thread or just skim it? There seems to be some blood sucking off of a sentence from a post of mine that was posted well out of context and then blown out of purportion

The reason that some RW take the word 'unsollicited' as negative is the difference between women contacting men who are on the same dating site, and scammers sending a mass spam mail to any mail address they can find.
The first type of contacting is not unsollicited, as you pur a profile on the site in order to get in contact with women. The second type is unsollicited and for 100% a sort of scam.

Wlich leaves once again my question open... why this difference is needed where women are supposed to be happy to get attention from men they did not contact forst, but men are supposed to be cautious at once ?

[Sculpto]

Wlich leaves once again my question open... why this difference is needed where women are supposed to be happy to get attention from men they did not contact forst, but men are supposed to be cautious at once ?

Thats why it is a stupid argument Shadow.   

[Faux Pas]

Wlich leaves once again my question open... why this difference is needed where women are supposed to be happy to get attention from men they did not contact forst, but men are supposed to be cautious at once ?

This is an example of the men and women being a victim of scammers. If I were contacted first on a dating or marriage site, I would think nothing of it. Being contacted away from it, on a local or social site lends it to being a scammer. So why bother?

[Misha]

That wasn't my intention Misha. I apologize

Not a problem. Thanks for the apology. I may have misinterpreted the tone of what you were saying.

Misha

[Sculpto]

I have been contacted by several Russian ladies on social sites that wanted English practice.  In all those cases great chat sessions resulted.  I met one of those ladies on my trip to StP.  She was awesome.

[2tallbill]

or FriendFinder.com (which is American)?

Your disdain for everything American should preclude you from doing so.