How much of a hard ass do I need to be?

[ECOCKS]

I got your point. Mine is that after 7 weeks in a "foreign" country to work at a level "to pay all the bills" is next to impossible. The restrictions on the expenses though can be set. Same is with any RW who married AM.

Well, I think we have to work from Viking's assessment. The parts that were particularly alarming to most of us probably were the points about not making enough of an effort to learn the language and the running up of unnecessary bills. Secondarily, a couple of us are less than impressed at going to work for a Russian employer and the additional reduction of the need/chance to work on English.

The boy's mother wants him here. Viking wants her happy and sounds like he is willing for the boy to either have stayed in Belarus or be here. He has limits on what he will tolerate, financially, emotionally and lifestyle, if the boy is here. Everyone's got their way of living. Maybe the boy is a slow learner, maybe he's a "slacker", maybe he's still getting his feet on the ground and will someday be a captain of industry (or a captain of infantry -  ). Maybe this, maybe that, all we are doing is responding as best we can to Viking's question and trusting his description of the situation. Maybe Viking is already too hard-assed, who knows?

[Doll]

I just wanted to remind you to not play this "go back to Belarus" game. The OP petitioned for the guy himself.
It is just 7 weeks, give me a break. Can you try to understand what the boy is getting through?
What almost all of us, FSU women got through the 1st year? You have no clue.

[ECOCKS]

Ah well, reality time.

Contrary to your dramatic statement, I didn't play any "go back to Belarus game". If you go back and read carefully I said merely that Viking seemed willing for the boy to have stayed there if he wished. The possibility of being sent back to Belarus was mentioned by several of us as one of the outcomes if he can't get his act together enough to build a life for himself here and decides to return to the GF and the wonderful life he had before coming to the US.

My statements as to Viking's options and my understanding of his motivations stand as stated based upon his posts when he was fighting the consular wars to get the boy in and his subsequent posts as to this situation.

As for my "having a clue":

In fact, I have gone to another country and had to find work without knowing the language in seven weeks or less. I did so and made a reasonable living, traveled, met and married my wonderful wife and generally built a new life on my own. Additionally, I have watched my wife in her first year on the ground in the US, so thanks very much but I have "several clues" about this process, possibly more than you do.

[viking]

As far as "going back to Belarus" is concerned, that is not my call. I went through quite a bit to get him here and my preference would be for him to do well here. Only if he cannot cut it here, or simply does not want to be here, would I put him on a plane. But my wife and I are agreed that every effort will be made before that happens. She made it very clear that he would be on his own should he go back. No calling mommy and asking for money. (PS. He dosen't get it that his buddies back home are all in a university, as well as his GF. and at some point their education, and his lack of it,  will put a strain on their relationship as their jobs, hopefully for them, will allow for much greater freedom and spending power.)

I don't consider him a slacker. More "not motivated" would be a better description. At the moment I cannot find that trigger that would prompt him to wake up and realize that english is just something he has to do and the sooner her immerses himself the better.I will not make any rash decisions. I think the end game will be if he stays long enough to get his permanent residency. Then he can get a S/S number which would allow him to get a drivers license. And that test is in english.

[Gylden]

Viking,
Sounds like you are on the right track to me, in as far as you are on the same page as his mother. If you guys can manage to stay on the same page, things will eventually take it's own course. (patience)

My wife came here with her son and daughter, so I am familiar with the culture differences in regard to children living at home even after they are married.

I would re comend to keep the two issues separate, that is the financial issues vs. his adaptation and life choices separate. Include him, as an adult in resloving the financial bit, but let him resolve the issues concerning his life choices.

[BC]

I don't consider him a slacker. More "not motivated" would be a better description. At the moment I cannot find that trigger that would prompt him to wake up and realize that english is just something he has to do and the sooner her immerses himself the better.

Viking,

Maybe 'confused'?  Sit down with him and wifey and discuss goals.. not your's, not your wife's but instead let him tell you what his goals are.

It puts the ball in his court and provides all a bit of direction to work towards.

[andrewfi]

If working for a Russian speaker who is, probably, employing other people on the black what happens when the biz gets a visit from the INS?

What happens when he gets involved in minor criminality to make a little extra money, inspired by the example of one of the other employees at his place of work?

Does his Green Card application get accelerated or declined?

If he gets sent back to Belarus how do you stand in the eyes of your new wife who, almost certainly, places her son higher in the pecking order than she does you?

How will you deal with the catastrophe that will be her son's failure to integrate into life in the USA?

It seems to me that your choices might be predicated upon your family's understanding of the consequences of the current and implicitly accepted courses of action taken by your wife's son.

[Doll]

In fact, I have gone to another country and had to find work without knowing the language in seven weeks or less. I did so and made a reasonable living, traveled, met and married my wonderful wife and generally built a new life on my own. Additionally, I have watched my wife in her first year on the ground in the US, so thanks very much but I have "several clues" about this process, possibly more than you do.

Wonderful. So, then you know how it is. By the way, the boy has a job.
Just a question to Ec- what exactly country was it and what kind of job did you get?
How old were you?

[Misha]

Then he can get a S/S number which would allow him to get a drivers license. And that test is in english.

Actually, in NY he can take the test in Russian: http://nysdmv.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/nysdmv.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=9&p_created=974137560&p_sid=38ZAX_fk&p_accessibility=0&p_redirect=&p_lva=&p_sp=cF9zcmNoPTEmcF9zb3J0X2J5PSZwX2dyaWRzb3J0PSZwX3Jvd19jbnQ9MSwxJnBfcHJvZHM9JnBfY2F0cz0wJnBfcHY9JnBfY3Y9JnBfcGFnZT0xJnBfc2VhcmNoX3RleHQ9UnVzc2lhbg**&p_li=&p_topview=1

The only hiccup is that the manual that he has to study is in English. My wife passed her learner's driving exam in Russian here in Canada. I translated for her the manual, she studied, and she passed it in her language. I can't see why your son could not do the same.

P.S. He might also start by reading Washington State's Russian-language driver guide: http://www.dol.wa.gov/driverslicense/guide.html. I doubt that the information needed to pass the test in New York state is radically different from what would be needed in Washington State.

[Misha]

I just wanted to remind you to not play this "go back to Belarus" game. The OP petitioned for the guy himself.
It is just 7 weeks, give me a break. Can you try to understand what the boy is getting through?
What almost all of us, FSU women got through the 1st year? You have no clue.

Doll is right. As I mentioned earlier up, culture shock is often a hellish thing to go through. The young man in question is just 7 weeks into life in his new country and the first year is particularly difficult. Will he go to College? It is not likely as he did not go to college in his country. He wants to work which is not a bad thing. The only problem is that he has to wait for this social security number which has him working under the table. 

[Doll]

This is what I thought- he didn't go to college in Belarus which indicates he didn't want (most likely). It is not typical for the FSU.
As for the first year in "another" country- have a mercy. Compare or contrast to your women who have your support. One from a thousand has a job within 7 weeks. Actually, immigrants are not allowed to work till they have their basic papers.
To seek meeting people right away? It is a nice idea but doesn't sound realistic to me.
He will, trust me, but it takes time.

[TomT]

Don't wait to apply for the SS number. He will be able to get one until the expiration date of the I-94. After that, he won't be able to get one until he gets permanent residency because he will technically be out of status. (I've done it twice.) This is a minor point, however.

You had better make some progress before you are so sick of this situation that you want to be rid of them both. (Don't imagine that it can't happen.)

[viking]

TomT. As an FYI, he came over as a K2.  I cannot tell you how many agencies I argued with over this. He CANNOT get a S/S until he gets his green card.

[viking]

Misha. Thanks for the link for the Russian test. Somehow I just could not find it!. I did get him a Russian manual, courtesy of some folks in a Russian speaking community in Queens (NY). So if he did study, in Russian, and took the test, in Russian, he still needs to take a driving test. Now when the instructor says to him "turn right" or "park the car here", he still will not understand what he is saying. And still...he needs his S/S number to apply, which he cannot get until his green card arrives.

[mies]

I don't consider him a slacker. More "not motivated" would be a better description. At the moment I cannot find that trigger that would prompt him to wake up and realize that english is just something he has to do and the sooner her immerses himself the better.I will not make any rash decisions. I think the end game will be if he stays long enough to get his permanent residency. Then he can get a S/S number which would allow him to get a drivers license. And that test is in english.

Viking, maybe I missed it in the forum thread, what did your step-son do back in Belarus? Did he have any source of income? How did he spend his days?

In my opinion, you need to talk to his mom, and she needs to talk to him. She is his mom, it was her call to bring him to USA, and she cares most about his well-being and prosperous future. As his mom.

The information she needs to deliver to her son:
1. Phone calls and sms are not free. You (the parents) cannot afford to spend as much. Suggest he uses Skype.
2. English is a must. If he wants to live in this country and live well. You will continue paying for his food and basic needs (limited amount of phonecalls included) if he attends English classes. If he wants to work - he can do it extra, in his own free time, and legally.
3. If he chooses to work in addition to studying English - he can save the money and buy his own computer. (Computers aren't too expensive these days. He can get a decent one for just $500. He can get a netbook even cheaper). Take him to electronics store, show the prices. Help him plan the savings for computer. Naturally, he must wait until he can work legally.
4. if he gets his USA citizenship - he can marry his girl and bring her to USA. This can happen in.... (5-6?) years, if he studies English, and studies in general.  

What you, Viking, have to do in this case:
1. print out your phone bills for several months, with detailed info on all phonecalls. Mark the phonecalls made by your stepson. Give it to your wife so that she can show how much his calls cost.
2. take your step-son to electronics store (with your wife). Show him computers options. He can try how they work, and that should motivate him to earn for his own computer.
3. Find online a sample test for driver's permit. It's relatively easy to find. Show it to your step-son. Let him go through this sample test (it's in interactive version, and he can get his score in the end). He can start learning English by learning the questions and answers in the Drivers' test.
4. Make your wife be hard on her son.

You don't need to be aggressive towards your step-son, Viking, or be too hard. Just be open, and help him understand the long-term perspectives. Do not look for short-term and illegal jobs for him. You wouldn't help him work as a drug dealer, right? Then why do you show him how to violate the US laws in other way? You started with showing him very bad example, and "helping him" in a very strange way. As Andrew pointed out - right now you are helping your step-son to get deported.

[andrewfi]

Seems kinda like he is in much the same boat as most wives imported by blokes and really needs the same kind of treatment. In fact he needs more careful handling coz he ain't your wife and he did not choose you.

Who can say exactly what to do, apart from the obvious, that working illegally and on the black is lunacy.

You need to budget for his support just as you budgeted for the support of your wife.b It seems kinda odd that you didn't do so.
He needs to understand that he has your support just as your wife does. Does he feel that he might need to support himself in the near future? Does he see working as being expedient? Does he think he might need a bolt hole?

Maybe he needs to understand that you support him in his desire to live where he wants to live, be that in Belarus or in your country and home.
Packing him off to the army seems a tad weird, but then there's weird folks about. From my perspective, no matter the possible 'advantages' of becoming a slave of the rich, isolation from the only family and friends he has now hardly seems like a good way to help somebody put down roots.

[TomT]

TomT. As an FYI, he came over as a K2.  I cannot tell you how many agencies I argued with over this. He CANNOT get a S/S until he gets his green card.

Yep, that's what they told me at the local SS office, also. I went back a few times until I found a more cooperative clerk.

[SMS60]

Yep, that's what they told me at the local SS office, also. I went back a few times until I found a more cooperative clerk.

Correct, Viking I would go to another office. You should be able to get a SS number after entry with a K2. The longest you should have to wait is until he receives his Employment Authorization Card. You should get this about 30 days after filing for AOS ( if you filled out the form) its part of the AOS paper work. It should come about the same time as the Advance Parole Document. So it makes sense he should have a SS number if he is authorized to work by USCIS.

Here is the time table I was involved with. He was 20 years old.

1. Received AP, EAD, 40 days after entry
2. Received SS Card 70 days after entry (card in his hand)
3. First legal job 75 days after entry
4. GC arrived 80 days after entry
5. Applied for learners permit(driving) 81 days after entry.
6. Took drivers test and received drivers license 111 days after entry
7. Out of the house and on his own in 8 months. Yippeeee!!!! Party!!!!

This kid had ambition and drive. If they dont have it.........it will be difficult. Another thing that helped was he learned the English language before he came over. He knew this would be a necessity.

[ConnerVT]

A question: doesn't the person need be the USA citizen to go for the military service?

Not only can a Resident Alien enlist in the US Armed Forces, Men age 18 to 25 with a green card are required by law to resister with the Selective Service.

[Doll]

   

Agree 100%

[Doll]

Not only can a Resident Alien enlist in the US Armed Forces, Men age 18 to 25 with a green card are required by law to resister with the Selective Service.

May I have the link please? It is for my son.

[Misha]

Misha. Thanks for the link for the Russian test. Somehow I just could not find it!. I did get him a Russian manual, courtesy of some folks in a Russian speaking community in Queens (NY). So if he did study, in Russian, and took the test, in Russian, he still needs to take a driving test. Now when the instructor says to him "turn right" or "park the car here", he still will not understand what he is saying. And still...he needs his S/S number to apply, which he cannot get until his green card arrives.

And? My wife wrote her learner's in Russian and then her driver's in English. It is much easier understanding directons such as "turn left," "turn right" etc... than deciphering the questions on the learner's and passing the written test in our province  Besides, having a learner's will be an important accomplishment and then he can focus on his English while learning to drive  There are no problems in life, just solutions waiting to be found 

[ECOCKS]

May I have the link please? It is for my son.

http://www.sss.gov/FSwho.htm

NON-CITIZENS
Some non-citizens are required to register. Others are not. Noncitizens who are not required to register with Selective Service include men who are in the U.S. on student or visitor visas, and men who are part of a diplomatic or trade mission and their families. Almost all other male noncitizens are required to register, including illegal aliens, legal permanent residents, and refugees. The general rule is that if a male noncitizen takes up residency in the U.S. before his 26th birthday, he must register with Selective Service. For a more detailed list of which non-citizens must register, see Who Must Register - Chart .

[JR]

I don't think so, he just can't do it over his mother's head. No way.
Guys, just a question: what would you do if your own son just works and doesn't want to go to college?  Kick him out of the house?
To the OP, as I have a 17 yo at home and my husband and him don't get along: let his mother deal with him. You just set some limits on what you want to set the limits on.
Money? Ok, tell them how much you want. Phone? Talk about it. You want the guy to go to college? Talk to them with no threatening. Why with no threatening? Because the mother is always a mother, no matter what (unless she is an exception).
Let her keep talking to the boy, she doesn't need to be that good in "articulation", they talk same language.
A question: doesn't the person need be the USA citizen to go for the military service?

Who said he should go over his wife's head? I didn't, not mentioning the need to do so doesn't preclude the importance of it. Besides Viking already stated that they are on the same page with this issue.

From what Viking posted it seems that the man's heart isn't here, it's back home. Maybe he should be too, at least until he figures out what he wants. All he's doing now is causing a rift between his mom and her new husband.

[Boethius]

JR, I think you're wrong.

I agree with Doll.  It is still early.  He has only been in the country 2 months.  It is also much more difficult for a man to adjust than for a woman, because a man's world, in many ways, is different, particularly for FSU men.  I believe Viking has stated there is no rift.

The bottom line, though, is he has to learn English.  I'd give it 2 years before I started complaining.