break up from RW - difficult time

[Partizan]

Hi guys,

I'm new here so bear with me with the long post. To cut to the chase my g/f broke up with me just before Xmas and I am reeling from the shock still. We met when I was on holidays in September 2009 while I was seeing my sister in law's family. We got on great together and she came to Ireland in Xmas & New Year 2009-10. However we had a row in the New Year due to me being a bit inconsiderate and not paying attention to her (I put that down to my lack of experience dealing with such complex creatures) but we reconciled and she went back to Russia. We kept in contact via skype and chats on the phone 2-3 times a week. She had given up her job to come to Ireland so I financially supported her until she was sorted after 2 months.

During the summer she went on a working holiday with her friends to Sochi where she found a job as a receptionist in a hotel and stayed there until the end of September where we went on holidays to Egypt for 8 days. We had a great time but it wasnt without her mood swings which I shrugged off. However on the last night she all of a sudden went into a mood swing which soon ended in her being in floods of tears. I stayed with her for the end of the night to comfort her and she cheered up. She was distraught that the holiday was ending so soon. At the end of the holiday we kissed goodbye and I promised to either see her in Ireland or I would travel to see her for the New Year. We stayed in contact by chatting on the phone & skype twice a week. By this time I had already grown attached to her and was contemplating taking the relationship to the next stage (possiblity of her relocating and maybe marriage). On 3rd December, the last time I spoke to her on the phone she was in work and everything was fine. I told her that I was coming to see her for the New year and she said ok. She stated that she could not come to Ireland for the New Year as she could not get time off work since she strated in a new job. Anyway I began making arrangements - tickets, visa, gifts for her and her family etc. and her cousin arranged accomodation for me.

I called her again the following Wednesday and Saturday but she did not answer. I thought it was a little strange as she usually answers her phone at all times no matter where she is but I found out from her cousin that she was busy with work and had a driving test/exam that weekend but everything was fine. The following weekend 18-19 December, I called her again, twice both days but no answer. This set the alarm bells off. I had sent her a couple of emails the previous few days but I got no answer. I called my sis in law to find out what the story was. My sis in law rang me back the following day to explain that she had got through to my g/f and my now ex said that it was over. She said that she just didnt feel anything between us and felt that the cultural difference would be too much and that if she moved to Ireland that she would be too much of a financial burden for me. This knocked me back and right now i'm going through a very difficult time, . My ex could be described as a very quiet and shy person, prone to mood swings (I think she suffers from depression) but when she is in a good mood she is grand. I still love her to bits and would do anything for her. This has happened so suddenly that I am left in bits. When I told her father and her relations they were shocked and had been looking forward to seeing me and all arrangements made. I was so looking forward to seeing her. Now I feel like **** and I feel that have no one to talk to.

For the experienced guys, what do you read into this?  A couple of days ago I spoke by facebook to a close friend of hers. She was shocked at what happened and added that while she was in Sochi, my ex often spoke of me as being a good, loyal and dependable man who helped her out anytime which I did and was looking forward to her holiday with me. She is 28, lovely looking girl who has been in 2 previous relationships before me, one in which she got burned quite badly.

[Ade]

Life happens. Sometimes it's harsh. In my experience if someone gets to the point to end it, then it's done and there's extremely little chance of going back.

Oh, and "being a good, loyal and dependable man" aren't the words of someone that's incredibly in love...

[GoodOlBoy]

Not to be mean spirited.....But she did you a BIG favor.
MOVE ON!

GOB

[Shadow]

If you are not ready for some shock therapy then skip the rest of this post.

You have fallen for a very old mistake, one that I made myself in the past. The mistake is that you have been moving way to slow on going ahead with things, probably aggravated by ginving financial support that created a comfort zone so she would not want to tel you the truth.

Staying in touch is ome thing, but when you want to have a relationship the goal should be to live together as fast as possible. Just spending vacation time together without moving towards a life together will eventually end in her (or you) meeting someone else and breaking off. If you have continued to support her after she found a new job this would have even given her an extra obstacle to tell you, as it is hard to break a comfort zone.
The truth came out when she understood she could not hide things if you came over, and that has caused her to end things.

I am sorry for your loss, but I do hope you will learn from this. In any future case, once you establish compatibilty and base for a life together move forward as fast as the authorities let you.

[Partizan]

Not to be mean spirited.....But she did you a BIG favor.
MOVE ON!

GOB

what do you mean by this?

[Partizan]

If you are not ready for some shock therapy then skip the rest of this post.

You have fallen for a very old mistake, one that I made myself in the past. The mistake is that you have been moving way to slow on going ahead with things, probably aggravated by ginving financial support that created a comfort zone so she would not want to tel you the truth.

Staying in touch is ome thing, but when you want to have a relationship the goal should be to live together as fast as possible. Just spending vacation time together without moving towards a life together will eventually end in her (or you) meeting someone else and breaking off. If you have continued to support her after she found a new job this would have even given her an extra obstacle to tell you, as it is hard to break a comfort zone.
The truth came out when she understood she could not hide things if you came over, and that has caused her to end things.

I am sorry for your loss, but I do hope you will learn from this. In any future case, once you establish compatibilty and base for a life together move forward as fast as the authorities let you.

That was the idea of me meeting her on holiday as we had not seen each other since the previous January. Since then we had constant comunication on phone and on skype and until October I could not be with her due to work committments and stuff so that was the right time for me to see her. The main reason of me going in December to see her in Russia was to take the relationship to the next stage, i.e. her moving here and living together to see a) compatibilty and b) time for her to adjust to the language/cultural differences. We had already done the usual so I felt it was time to make the committment and step up to the plate. I am no cheapskate and I did help her out when she got into trouble which is why she spoke of me as being the one who always helped her any time no matter what and that I was a good guy.

I myself have had the experience of living in EE for a prolonged period so I know what breaking the cultural/language barrier entails. However she was a very complex creature and when it come onto my plate I did not have the experience to deal with it and now realise I made mistakes. That said I have friends in Russia and will visit their next summer and have a good time. My Russian is ok but I'm catching up on it at the mo.

[GoodOlBoy]

Not to be mean spirited.....But she did you a BIG favor.
MOVE ON!

GOB

what do you mean by this?

.....We had a great time but it wasnt without her mood swings which I shrugged off. However on the last night she all of a sudden went into a mood swing which soon ended in her being in floods of tears........  My ex could be described as a very quiet and shy person, prone to mood swings (I think she suffers from depression)

JMO.....(and opinions are like assh*les, everybody has one) Stay away from "damaged" women.
You can't help them and you certainly cannot "fix" them.
Have "healthy" relationship(s).
Good luck!

GOB

[dbneeley]

Women with such mood swings are sometimes referred to as "drama queens"--and being a part of that drama over the long haul is no fun. They can be quite attractive in some very unfortunate ways, however.

I presume that is what was meant by "she did you a favor." You are too close to the situation right now to fully appreciate that--but there were obviously signs earlier that not all was exactly right with the lady and/or the relationship.

I suggest you move on--you can do much better.

David

[Ade]

In my opinion, if you can't see someone face to face, at least every couple of months, then an international relationship has far less chance of succeeding - here we're talking, what, an 8 month separation then a 3 month one? And you had arguments during the warm fuzzy phase which is usually the most glowing rose-coloured glasses time... not at all a good sign no matter what was the cause.

[Partizan]

JMO.....(and opinions are like assh*les, everybody has one) Stay away from "damaged" women.
You can't help them and you certainly cannot "fix" them.
Have "healthy" relationship(s).
Good luck!

GOB

Cheers GOB. Thanks for the advice. I usually dont discuss things like this in a public domain but I felt that I needed to. I have been through numerous relationships here myself with both Irish and foreign women and it has been mixed. I have met some nice and not so nice but none as complex as my ex RW. I lived in Bulgaria and Serbia as a student and have had the experience of dating women from a non English speaking society so I thought that would have stood to me.

However my ex looking back, was a bit odd. As I said she was burned in a previous relationship. When we had a row last year she broke down in tears to my sis in law complaining how she could not hold onto a man and that she was "an old maid" and all of that melodramatic stuff. If I describe here to you (she's a lovely looking girl) she could be described as very shy, quiet and if she sat in a crowded room you would hardly notice she was there. She is 27 (28 in 6 months) and all of her friends are either settling down or are married with kids. She also I woudl describe her as a slightly stubborn women who would be slow to recognise her own misatkes, hence why she is still single at that age. If she lived in the West or was a bit more outgoing, she would have been snapped up years ago. Most of her friends now are younger than her and she idolises her younger sister who is much more outgoing than her and who I got on very well with  

Myself well up to quite recently marriage was the last thing on my mind. I spent my 20's partying, travelling, dating and enjoying the finer pints of life abroad   but now I'm in a setlled job and my priorities are changing. Most of my friends have either left Ireland (emigration) or are settling down/married with kids. I'm 33 btw.

[facetrock]

Hi guys,
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 We got on great together and she came to Ireland in Xmas & New Year 2009-10. However we had a row in the New Year due to me being a bit inconsiderate and not paying attention to her (I put that down to my lack of experience dealing with such complex creatures
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That says a lot right there. You want to give a woman mood swings be inconsiderate and ignore her when she travels to your country. That will do it. You need to date locally and get more experience with women.
  Hard to make a comeback with a woman when that happens on her first trip to see you.

[Gator]

In summary,


IT IS OVER.  YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHY, YET YOU MUST GET OVER IT.  DON'T WASTE ANY MORE TIME THINKING YOU CAN RESSURECT THIS.

She had given up her job to come to Ireland so I financially supported her until she was sorted after 2 months.

This is a big step, yet short of the bigger step of working towards marriage.   Many RW are accustomed to men "sponsoring" them while they are young with no intentions of marriage.  So how were you different from the typical RM (who gets more sex per euro than you do).

  

However on the last night she all of a sudden went into a mood swing which soon ended in her being in floods of tears.

Do you really want a woman who has large mood swings?   You are Irish.  Irish people are happy about life.  I couldn't imagine living in the dreary Irish weather with a moody perhaps bipolar wife.  Did she make you laugh, or was she just a sexy body, far sexier than the typical Irish lassie?

My sis in law rang me back the following day to explain that she had got through to my g/f and my now ex said that it was over. She said that she just didnt feel anything between us and felt that the cultural difference would be too much and that if she moved to Ireland that she would be too much of a financial burden for me.

Any one  of these three reasons is enough to end a relationship.  Taken together, it is the height of futility.

This knocked me back and right now i'm going through a very difficult time

Be a man, and move along.  Get over it, because it is over.  You gave it a good chance, and it failed.  That is the ultimate litmus test - it failed.  Compatible couples rarely fail.  Why would it be different the next time?   It won't.  Have a few pints of black and tan at a pub and enjoy the fun people around you.


 

... my ex often spoke of me as being a good, loyal and dependable man who helped her out anytime which I did...

As SeriouslyJaded wrote, this ain't love.  And if you had not helped her out, she would have moved on sooner.

[Partizan]

Hi guys,
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 We got on great together and she came to Ireland in Xmas & New Year 2009-10. However we had a row in the New Year due to me being a bit inconsiderate and not paying attention to her (I put that down to my lack of experience dealing with such complex creatures
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That says a lot right there. You want to give a woman mood swings be inconsiderate and ignore her when she travels to your country. That will do it. You need to date locally and get more experience with women.
  Hard to make a comeback with a woman when that happens on her first trip to see you.

That was a misunderstanding that was put down to a communication problems - her English and my Russian was not so great at the time, however we did reconcile. Looking back I could have done things alot better but my inexperience in dealing with a complex character undid me in that instance. I fell into what could be described as a comfort/complacent zone. Her sis in law who is her cousin lives here too and she spent some time in her place as well as in mine.

Her mood swings did not occur originate when she was here, talking to her close relatives she was always slightly odd. She's a beautiful girl and when we hooked up I thought I got lucky but as in most of these instances there is always a catch and it is due to her strange personality. Her character traits suggest that she is bipolar. That said I have to take responsibility for my failings too in this. Gator is right, it failed because it was destined to. btw, I have extensive experience of dating but mainly foreign women.

i'm really beating myself up over this

[SMS60]

Mr Partizan

Here is some advice for future flings.

Most short term relationships which go bust in a short period of time are linked to the same problem over and over again. Most of the time you can blame the man.

The most common mistake men make is pursuing women who have a low interest in dating or in most cases the men doing the pursuing.

Many times after initial contact or a few dates the woman will be "hot to trot" or "luke warm" or maybe even "cold". The mistake is chasing the "luke warm" and "cold" women. Some men will do magic tricks, jump thru hoops, put her on a pedalstal, and other forms of manipulation to try and raise her interest level. It never works out the way they planned.

Always pursue the the women who have a high level of interest in you without having to do all the circus tricks. When you find one you will know it. A woman who has genuine high interest will scale Everest to be by your side.

You were dating a low interest level girl and your chasing was for not.

Keep this in mind for the future. Nothing like a "hot to trot" (for you) woman. Learn to distinguish the difference.

[GQBlues]

I called my sis in law to find out what the story was. My sis in law rang me back the following day to explain that she had got through to my g/f and my now ex said that it was over. She said that she just didnt feel anything between us and felt that the cultural difference would be too much and that if she moved to Ireland that she would be too much of a financial burden for me.

Uh-huh...if the gal never took the time to tell you herself in the first place why a) involve anyone else, b) get all wigged at about what you've come to know?  She isn't worth your time.

For the experienced guys, what do you read into this?

Hunky sexy Sergei made her forget about you in a heartbeat. Get yourself a new gal..a cuter one this time so she can make you forget about her, just like beasty Sergei did.

Don't look for closure because that sucker has fangs ready to clamp down on your butt (see notation 'b' above).

[Faux Pas]

Partizan

Firstly, quit beating yourself up. You were/are only half of this problem. Perhaps at an earlier stage you feel as though you could have did some things different and had a different outcome than you do now. Not so. You may have prolonged the outcome you have now but basically would have the same outcome perhaps just a different set of circumstances.

There is the possibility that you are a die hard romantic and still feel that you can win her back. I don't necessarily agree with these other guys, you likely could win her back even if just for a little while. History tells some of us more experienced guys that ultimately the break up is still to follow. If you need to ride that pony one more time then, go for it.

If you take the realistic course of action you'll let her go and move on with your life. No one knows what the future holds and she may at some point enter back into your life but if I were you, I wouldn't sit around moping hoping that she does. FWIW

[dogspot]

she spoke of me as being the one who always helped her any time no matter what and that I was a good guy.

It sounds to me like you were a really-really good friend. If a woman is in love with you and wants to spend her life with you, she will be speaking not of "helping" or being a "good guy"...You will be her everything. She will speak about you constantly to her friends: about what you like, what the two of you do together, and how she misses you so much; not so much about reasons why she might want to stay with you.

I was in a relationship with a bipolar RW for a year and a half. I was very patient during this time and can say that the highs were incredible but the lows were excruciating. I would often ask myself: Can you really spend the rest of your life with this woman? (have you ever asked yourself this question?) Ultimately I realized that I couldn't and ended the relationship. It was difficult but I moved on and have since found the woman who I, without a doubt, want to spend my life with.

[Partizan]

Thanks guys for the advice. I only wish I found this place alot earlier and taken much needed advice in how to deal with these complex dyevs. Faux Pas maybe you are right that it simply wasn't meant to be. We could have broken up but as you said, under different circumstances. Life is a learning experience and I have learned another lesson. I will keep you guys posted in case of any further developments (which I doubt).

Thanks a mill.

[Gator]

Partizan,

Good luck.  Keep in mind that at 33 you are much younger than the average age of the blokes here at RWD.  Most of us have had our fair share of breakups and difficult times.  Yes, it hurts.  However, you must move on.

Pat yourself on the back by trying.  Some blokes here have never taken a trip, real keyboard Romeos.  Pat yourself on the back again, this time for being much wiser from the experience.

I hope you give RW another go.  Some are real jewels.  Keep in mind that if you bring one back to Ireland, select one whose personality will fit in with your friends.  A RW's beauty can blind us from the fact that we need to be able to enjoy a full life with them.   With Skype, you can learn much about them before you take another trip.   

[I/O]

Partizan: You need some anger in you right now to motivate forward movement and this may do it. I've noticed over the years it almost always takes one more person to end a relationship than it did to start it. In other words, there will be someone else in some form or another involved. It may be an alternate lover, a friend, family or other but either way, it isn't you. BTW, stop making excuses for her about mood swings and previous relationships etc, she's a big girl who can make her own decisions, one of which was to ditch you.

[Partizan]

Partizan,

Good luck.  Keep in mind that at 33 you are much younger than the average age of the blokes here at RWD.  Most of us have had our fair share of breakups and difficult times.  Yes, it hurts.  However, you must move on.

Pat yourself on the back by trying.  Some blokes here have never taken a trip, real keyboard Romeos.  Pat yourself on the back again, this time for being much wiser from the experience.

I hope you give RW another go.  Some are real jewels.  Keep in mind that if you bring one back to Ireland, select one whose personality will fit in with your friends.  A RW's beauty can blind us from the fact that we need to be able to enjoy a full life with them.   With Skype, you can learn much about them before you take another trip.   

Cheers Gator for the heads up. I have been through breakups before but none deeply affected me as this one did. I have learned from this experience to read the signs sooner a) if there is compatibility there and b) if a party is really interested. I thought that I could seal the deal and show a decent guy I was (supporting her when she was in trouble & Egypt holiday) that she woud say, "hey hang on a minute, this guy is a good bloke, maybe I should give him the chance" which is why I made plans to go to Russia to spend New Years with her, but alas it was not to be.

Of course I will give RW another go, who wouldnt but the trick as you said is finding the one who will fit into your environment and that can be problematic but it does and can work. My brother has been happily married to a RW for nearly 9 years now with a loving daughter who everyone loves. I was in a relationship with a RW (from Latvia) before it ran its course like the other girls I was with. My ex is a complex being. She is a provincial girl (27, 28 in July) attractive blondinka, from a village who moved to the city to study in uni and work. She has been in 2 relationships before me, one in uni and the other 2-3 years ago and judging from her behaviour was burned in one or both. She is not the type of party girl who goes out, gets drunk and has casual sex. She doesn't go out very often. Nearly all of her friends are married and her sister who is 24 (had a few previous b/fs) is going steady. She absolutley worships her younger sister which is quite unusual for an older sibling. She should have been snapped up years ago but as I found out, its the personality that is a contributing factor to her relationship failures. However unless she changes, she wil not find a suitable man and her parents I have been told are really disappointed in her as they hoped that I would snap her up. As Faux Pas said, we would possible have broken up in different circumstances and with the mood swings, a symptom of bipolar depression, I would have been walking on egg shels.

That said, I am learning Russian and I'm off to Russia in June-July. I have friends working in Sochi and in Ekaterinurg so it will be a good chance to meet some nice girl there. Until then, I'm going to have some fun in Dublin. I joined a gym last month and I am getting backinto shape. 2011 will be my year  

[Partizan]

Partizan: You need some anger in you right now to motivate forward movement and this may do it. I've noticed over the years it almost always takes one more person to end a relationship than it did to start it. In other words, there will be someone else in some form or another involved. It may be an alternate lover, a friend, family or other but either way, it isn't you. BTW, stop making excuses for her about mood swings and previous relationships etc, she's a big girl who can make her own decisions, one of which was to ditch you.

she could have met someone else? Well if she did, its no longer my problem. I think in time she will regret it. However with the advice I am been given, its been very helpful for me and I now need to refocus other priorities since I feel the last few months have been a big waste of my time. Question is, why did she drag it out for so long, she could have told me ages ago and I would have moved on and met someone, not having invested my time in a timewaster.

[GQBlues]

Question is, why did she drag it out for so long, she could have told me ages ago and I would have moved on and met someone, not having invested my time in a timewaster.

Does it really matter 'why'? It apparently didn't matter to her so why should it be with you?

Get out there ASAP. Nothing like a scent of a 'new' woman to blow the fog in your mind today.

[I/O]

However with the advice I am been given, its been very helpful for me

Good to see you have "enough" in you to take the positives out of strong comment, that will serve you well as you move forward.

and I now need to refocus other priorities

Indeed and hanging around here may well help.

since I feel the last few months have been a big waste of my time.

I disagree, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Again, this experience will strengthen you as you move forward. International dating and or marriage isn't for the faint of heart IMO.

Question is, why did she drag it out for so long, she could have told me ages ago and I would have moved on and met someone, not having invested my time in a timewaster.

Here you're falling back into the 3 Y/O why, why pattern again. The real answer in relationship breakdown very often is there is no clear answer and that, in and of itself, is often the hardest thing to accept. Just don't let yourself "go there".

[Partizan]

Cheers everyone for the advice, it has been a huge help to me. I have come to stop blaming myself and already I feel the stronger man for it. I will stick around here and gain some valuable advice from you guys who have plenty of experience in dealing with the complex minds of your average dyev. I only wish I found this place alot sooner. I'm off to Sochi in the summer. Take care.