First visit

[Ger]

I met my lady for the first time in person last weekend. It's been smooth sailing so far and we're astonished about resemblances in thinking, wants, dreams, values, and even family and upbringing, despite our very different cultural backgrounds. Now she will be visiting me for a week.

I welcome any thoughts, ideas, concerns, advice...

[Faux Pas]

I met my lady for the first time in person last weekend. It's been smooth sailing so far and we're astonished about resemblances in thinking, wants, dreams, values, and even family and upbringing, despite our very different cultural backgrounds. Now she will be visiting me for a week.

I welcome any thoughts, ideas, concerns, advice...

Sounds like you hit it off and that is great. Congratulations! Not to rain on your parade but, there is a much euphoria after a first meeting when all went well. This is good! But, it can to a degree mask negatives both yours and hers. The introductions and the first meeting out of the way it is time to wine, dine and 69.  Romance and court her just as you would a local woman. The obvious travel impediments notwithstanding. There are no free passes attributed to "cultural differences". She's a woman and you are a man. Let the real relationship begin

[Ger]

Excuse me, sir. But I do believe 'raining on my parade' is exactly what I need right now. Your words don't go unappreciated!

I'm sure we've all heard the scary stories... divorce rate, women who seemed perfect, got married and then disappeared or took the unsuspecting man to the cleaners...

What about that side of the pretty picture? What are the little red flags to watch out for?

[Faux Pas]

Excuse me, sir. But I do believe 'raining on my parade' is exactly what I need right now. Your words don't go unappreciated!

I'm sure we've all heard the scary stories... divorce rate, women who seemed perfect, got married and then disappeared or took the unsuspecting man to the cleaners...

What about that side of the pretty picture? What are the little red flags to watch out for?

Ger, I am not sure I completely sure understand your question but I will take a stab at it anyway. You might be still riding high and hope that somebody will say something to kill the buzz and bring you back to earth. If for nothing else you don't feel you deserve such wonderful fortune to find such a lady. I'm here to tell you that you do. She's gorgeous, she's interesting, she's a lady and she's "into" you. All excellent signs but keep thinking with the big brain and treat her as if she was the girl next door you've never discovered.

It's a lot of work getting to this point. For many it equates to kissing a lot of frogs looking for a prince. In this case it's a princess. Keep your feet on the ground and get your head out of the clouds. Foster and encourage the relationship naturally. It's no different in that regard than any other relationship you've had. Good Luck!

[Shadow]

What to watch out for is:

1. As the trip is finished, did the both of you increase the contact ? This is a sign of interest if you really wish to communicate more often.
2. How far did she let you in to her life ? Meeting a person is one, but if things go really well you will be shown her friends and family, and get to know her life. Whe she visits you, the same should be done. Instead of a tour guide for sightseeing, show her your life and friends.
3. Do not lose momentum. Right now everything is rosy. This means you got to plan for the future. After she visits you, and the two of you are still happy, how are you planning to lead a life together ? What time will it take ? Do you have the fincances and space for a family ?

Keep the focus on the target.

[Ger]

Thanks - this is the kind of feedback I'm looking for. If nothing else just to get my head in gear.

[Jumper]

Ger-

yes on the forums we hear all kinds of stories of the perfect woman that changed ,or perfect actress, that deserved an academy award for her performance before relocation or marriage ....

 The thing i've most noted over the years is how that initial story *almost* always changes to a more realistic one of the woman ,or man, being far from perfect during courtship (hey no one is  perfect) and that there
were almost always huge multiple red flags that were ignored.

not simply missed.
not simply a few minor things that could written off as cultural differences,and would be bound to occur.
but huge "holy cow" things that few rational people would ignore, and certainly wouldn't if it was a
average domestic situation.

i've never seen a man , have some total train wreck, that would have asked your questions initially.
they would be  already justifying some odd ball situation or behavior!


I've also see the other side,  of men so paranoid of being taken or scammed ,
it effects their normal behavior and makes it near impossible for them to have  a normal relationship with any RW/UW., as they attribute any minor difference, to some dark  intent and simpky have trust issues.
I really feel men have to be "all in ", in this venture.
to fully acknowledge and accept the added risk.They cannot treat the women or the situation as suspect because of its context,or approach it with a slightly stand off ,or compromised position ,to protect themselves.
It's "all in", or don't bother ,would be my advice to anyone,that doesn't mean they cant have their eyes open, it means they have t be open to fully trust.


You've met a woman you have a real connection with, you are looking at the relationship with eyes wide open,
so in my opinion you aren't going to miss any big red flags,
no need to list some examples..you WILL know them if they come up.
I'd follow a pretty basic guide:

1.Simply date and see where it goes, obviously hoping it goes foward and progresses!!
 Try to keep the relationship and dating as close to local dating as you can,
yes the logistics make that near impossible but its important to keep it in mind.

2.if it seems dead wrong, it is.
make no excuses ,cultural or otherwise, for someone else's poor behavior.

3.If its seems just a *bit off*, to you on your side ,or to her on her side,
 then unassumingly ask about it, discuss it.There are certainly some cultural differences and some are bound to
eventually show.However they should make some  sense once discussed,
if it doesn't,  and becomes a pattern..  see number 2
(that applies to her as well, RW in this venture deal with some real flakes )

4.Be yourself, enjoy it and don't over think things. it should progress naturally like any other relationship


good Luck!
 

[Steamer]

Don't be in a rush. It's hard to hide compatibility or personality issues the longer you date someone. I don't know a magic amount of time but the longer the better.

Don't let a pretty face cloud your good judgement.

[Daveman]

2.if it seems dead wrong, it is.
make no excuses ,cultural or otherwise, for someone else's poor behavior.

3.If its seems just a *bit off*, to you on your side ,or to her on her side,
 then unassumingly ask about it, discuss it.There are certainly some cultural differences and some are bound to
eventually show.However they should make some  sense once discussed,
if it doesn't,  and becomes a pattern..  see number 2
(that applies to her as well, RW in this venture deal with some real flakes )

4.Be yourself, enjoy it and don't over think things. it should progress naturally like any other relationship


good Luck!
 

Extraordinarily good points and post AJ (I even must commend you on the typing this time..  )

Right on target, IMO.

Don't be in a rush. It's hard to hide compatibility or personality issues the longer you date someone. I don't know a magic amount of time but the longer the better.

Don't let a pretty face cloud your good judgement.

Absolutely agree.

Good luck Ger!

[Ger]

AJ, thanks to you especially for a very thoughtful posting. It belongs in a guide of sorts. I have not been able to detect any red flags so far, and even though I'm completely committed to jump balls to the wall, I'm trying to keep my eyes wide open. Two things that truly impress me vs. other women that I've been in relationships with, is that she is able to see things from more than one perspective; and there are good indications that there won't be a one-way-street rule set.  I hope to gather much more data over the next week  

[I/O]

she is able to see things from more than one perspective; and there are good indications that there won't be a one-way-street rule set.

Both are rare in RW.

[Jumper]

Both are rare in RW.

lol  
as a mod i feel urged to flag this as *not safe for comment*


Ger-
 marry her!

 

[Ger]

lol  
as a mod i feel urged to flag this as *not safe for comment*


Ger-
 marry her!

 

LoL. Is it just me or do I sense some scepticism? 

[I/O]

LoL. Is it just me or do I sense some scepticism?

I live at number 1 "Reality Street".

[dbneeley]

LoL. Is it just me or do I sense some scepticism? 

Not necessarily. The "unsafe for comment" likely referred to the number of men with FSUW wives who might take exception if we agreed with such a comment too enthusiastically and they found out about it!

The "marry her" was likely equally sincere--to find such a lady with a flexible outlook, if further communication continues to confirm it, would mean you very well may have a "keeper" indeed.

David

[Jumper]

Not necessarily. The "unsafe for comment" likely referred to the number of men with FSUW wives who might take exception if we agreed with such a comment too enthusiastically and they found out about it!


da!
 

The "marry her" was likely equally sincere--to find such a lady with a flexible outlook, if further communication continues to confirm it, would mean you very well may have a "keeper" indeed.

da,da,da

 

[Muzh]

Ger-

yes on the forums we hear all kinds of stories of the perfect woman that changed ,or perfect actress, that deserved an academy award for her performance before relocation or marriage ....

 The thing i've most noted over the years is how that initial story *almost* always changes to a more realistic one of the woman ,or man, being far from perfect during courtship (hey no one is  perfect) and that there
were almost always huge multiple red flags that were ignored.

not simply missed.
not simply a few minor things that could written off as cultural differences,and would be bound to occur.
but huge "holy cow" things that few rational people would ignore, and certainly wouldn't if it was a
average domestic situation.

i've never seen a man , have some total train wreck, that would have asked your questions initially.
they would be  already justifying some odd ball situation or behavior!

This is a good point AJ, but for what most people are expecting from forums like these but not enough.

I'll try to elaborate.

On another thread some guy is asking for what to do and not to do. One of our members offers very sensible advice, almost fire-proof way of success. However, I broke all those rules and am still married for 10+ years to my UA babe.

What I see is a lot of advice to find a perferct woman/relationship under the most improbable of circumastances. Also, it seems that once the advice is followed, success is expected. AND if so, then his work is done. What happens most of the time is a train wreck.

I will not deny that this endeavor can and will produce a Natasha Fatale (scammer, GCG.) However, and this is MHO, many of these "Natasha Fatale" are the creation of the circumstances AND the husband.

You have two people from different cultures and ethics meeting once or twice and getting married in what takes wall paint to dry. He: lusting after a young hot babe; She: looking for economic stability to raise a family. So far it is the same as with locals. Problem arises when the woman, who because of the circumstances is totally dependent on you, becomes demanding and frustrated. Most men take this as "changes in personality" or "red flags I missed." In reality, the majority of these train wrecks are guys who think their work is done once he marries her. You'll hear stuff like; "I gave her a (better living, new car, big house, store credit cards, etc) and look how she pays me." Guys, and the ladies can correct me here, when you say "I do" is where the work starts. Regardless if she is perfect or so-so.

So, for Ger, if you are looking for hints of what to expect, let me give you only one: She is a woman. Learn what women want and you'll be ahead of the game. Be THE MAN.

P.S. It also applies to AW. No offense meant to anyone.

[Ger]

This is a good point AJ, but for what most people are expecting from forums like these but not enough.

I'll try to elaborate.

On another thread some guy is asking for what to do and not to do. One of our members offers very sensible advice, almost fire-proof way of success. However, I broke all those rules and am still married for 10+ years to my UA babe.

What I see is a lot of advice to find a perferct woman/relationship under the most improbable of circumastances. Also, it seems that once the advice is followed, success is expected. AND if so, then his work is done. What happens most of the time is a train wreck.

I will not deny that this endeavor can and will produce a Natasha Fatale (scammer, GCG.) However, and this is MHO, many of these "Natasha Fatale" are the creation of the circumstances AND the husband.

You have two people from different cultures and ethics meeting once or twice and getting married in what takes wall paint to dry. He: lusting after a young hot babe; She: looking for economic stability to raise a family. So far it is the same as with locals. Problem arises when the woman, who because of the circumstances is totally dependent on you, becomes demanding and frustrated. Most men take this as "changes in personality" or "red flags I missed." In reality, the majority of these train wrecks are guys who think their work is done once he marries her. You'll hear stuff like; "I gave her a (better living, new car, big house, store credit cards, etc) and look how she pays me." Guys, and the ladies can correct me here, when you say "I do" is where the work starts. Regardless if she is perfect or so-so.

So, for Ger, if you are looking for hints of what to expect, let me give you only one: She is a woman. Learn what women want and you'll be ahead of the game. Be THE MAN.

P.S. It also applies to AW. No offense meant to anyone.

I'm not sure if it's just me, but when I read your post it came across pretentious and useless... somewhat like that guy who pretends to know everything, but when asked he has no valuable answers. Sorry - but I just simply didn't like your post at all.

[Muzh]

I'm not sure if it's just me, but when I read your post it came across pretentious and useless... somewhat like that guy who pretends to know everything, but when asked he has no valuable answers. Sorry - but I just simply didn't like your post at all.

Well Dude, take it for what it is. I personally don't give a crap if you read it or not. You see, I've been married to this angel from UA for over 10 years. I was passing along some info on RW for YOUR benefit.

BTW, what was the longest you've been married?

[Chicagoguy]

Ger,

I thought Muzh's post was fair. Just take it or leave it.

[Faux Pas]

Ger,

Muzh's posts has some really good chit in there. You really shouldn't try to look through it into something else but, take it for what it is. Nobody here wears badge's of accomplishments and most everything here has been offered up to help and encourage you. Muzh's post is a prime example. Hey, it's the net and often difficult to compartmentalize what's pretentious or helpful. The base fact here is, you won't really know what was helpful and what wasn't until you are on the other side of said advice.

[SomeGuy]

I'm not sure if it's just me, but when I read your post it came across pretentious and useless... somewhat like that guy who pretends to know everything, but when asked he has no valuable answers. Sorry - but I just simply didn't like your post at all.

I didn't find it pretentious at all, but some solid considerations.  A lot of men go through this with blinders on, writing off many things as 'cultural differences' or simply being caught up in her attractiveness/attention/sex, and evaluate their 'relationship' against different criteria than if she were instead the girl next door - maybe overlooking some serious character flaw or incompatible values/behaviors, nearly always rushing marriage in a condensed time period compared to dating locally, and then later claiming 'she changed' when in reality, he may not have really known her well in the first place.  Others seem to entirely ignore the culture shock that can occur when someone permanently their country of birth/residence/comfort for another, and fail to try to understand the flip side of the coin; things that seem quite normal to you, may not to a future wife from another country, and she will need your support, understanding, time...even when something may seem a trivial matter, to you.

Take a look at some trip reports, and you'll see some examples of 'self created problems' Muzh referenced - if at home, you are frugal, yet are taking your penpal/girlfriend/etc on tropical vacations, or bringing lavish gifts, are you (anyone) sure that she understands this is not your normal spending behavior that she should always expect? 

My top piece of advice for anyone considering this path, consistently seems to be simply this - be yourself, try to act and evaluate your 'relationship' with 'local eyes' as much as possible (if you wouldn't do it here, don't do it there, don't overlook things you wouldn't accept at home, etc), and spend as much time together as possible, and spend time discussing as much as possible, as many things you (or her) may take for granted, aren't always the same from the other side.