Wife's Friends In New Country

[Taz]

I have met more bad Russians here than in Russia. Just because someone is from their home country doesn't mean they should automatically become friends no matter how much they miss their country. They should first ask themselves if they were at home would they actually look for this type of person to be their friend. If not then they should keep looking.

My ex-RW wife sometimes would seek out other Russians much to my dismay regardless of character. I quickly saw they were lousy people but sometimes she would still associate with them. They would often try and cause issues because these other women could be very jealous. We had a nice life and they would constantly try and tear it down in someway.

Be careful who your wife chooses as friends. A lot of mean, unhappy and spiteful RW are here. They can be very competitive too. After a while my ex started associating more with AW as the got tired of the RW petty BS. Of course your mileage may very. She kept one good RW friend out of 20 she met.

[Turboguy]

Humm, are we saying here that Russian women make great wifes and horrible friends?

[jb]

Rose did not say that at all.

Read between the lines, many of the Russian/Ukrainian women here as MOB wives are basically low class women.  They were brought over by men who were unable to communicate with them during the courtship, unable to sort out the educated from the uneducated, unable to tell the difference between a good girl and a bad one.  A decent Russian woman will take one look and break out the 10 foot pole, they don't associate with low class women at home, they don't want to associate with them here either.

The jealousy thing is a well known trait among Russians, my wife will not even tell anyone she has got her GC for fear of being seen as bragging.

[catzenmouse]

Elena has met quite a few Russians here but only a couple that she has anything to do with. Most were not MOBs but came as couples or families. She's very quick to back off from contact with them if they give her the negative vibes. She's got good instincts so I don't worry about her being influenced by any of the bad seeds.

Ken

[Taz]

I think I should elaborate a bit about your RW finding friends in her new country. My ex- had a very good job and didn't marry me because of financial reasons. She definitely was NOT an economic immigrant. It was love for both of us. Too this day we are very good friends. Once she initially came here she had a much easier than normal adjust period than my RW.

She had lived other places than Ukraine or Russia. She had lived also in Germany and Poland. I think this definitely helped her with understand different systems. Another plus was that I spoke Russian pretty well. Our entire courtship was in Russian. The fact that I could speak Russian really came in to play while meeting potential friends. The last few weeks before coming I asked her to quit her job and start studying English full-time. She didn't know English before coming here but she has learned it very well.

Once here she started going to ESL classes. I took her 4 times a week to 2 different centers. Her daughter went as well. There she met her first Russians in America. They were definitely low-class people but she was still interested in talking with them as she felt a little out of her element. I didn't like these people after talking with them but I bit my tongue and hoped she would find better. Pretty soon she had little association with the other Russian ESL students.

We would from time to time meet RM&RW couples outside in normal settings. I would ALWAYS go whenever I could when she would meet these people at least at first so I would get a feel for their character. I wasn't a control freak but I sure didn't want her making some friends with people that would undermine our relationship. I could pretty quickly tell their views on a RW marrying an AM. Often they would say in no uncertain language, "What's wrong with you? Couldn't you find a real Russian man?" or some BS like that. I quickly tried to squash those kinds of relationships but to my wife's credit she usually did too.

The RW/AM couples though were often the biggest issue for me. Often the RW wanted to compare their relative status amongst their peers. I absolutely hated this. Not because I am poor or lower class but last thing I wanted as a "We have to keep up with the Jones/Natasha's" situations. Svetlana would get a new car. She would tell Masha. Masha would talk to hubby and complain that here 2003 BMW 325i is not as nice as Lana's 2004 Mercedes C240 and so on. If Masha's hubby didn't comply she would turn off the nookie faucet until he gave in. Remember the ancient Greek version of this. It became a family version US Soviet arm's race. Then it would expand to houses and where the kids went to school. I thank God (and my careful selection of a wife) that she never got caught up in this. The one RW that is still a good friend never worried about this either.

My one bad move with respect to this is I introduced her to a friend of mine (G) and his wife (L).  Unbeknownst to me, G was a lay down for his wife. Whatever she wanted the wuss rolled over for her. She manipulated the heck out of him. G & L were having some communications issues as her English was poor and his Russian non-existent. He asked for our help. After the wedding took place the nookie faucet slowed to a trickle. Being a normal guy he was perplexed about this and a few other issues. He was down to either divorce or intervention and asked us to intervene. To make a long story short we helped them out, faucet became a faster drip and L became friends with my wife.

Major screw up on my part. One of the few missteps in made in the entire process. This B!atch proceeded to call my wife at the most inconvenient times. It was obvious we were pretty happy together and she wasn't. She was so freakin' envious she could barely contain herself with trying to interfere with our relationship. She would always call while we were eating dinner out at a nice restaurant or otherwise try and spoil our personal time. She knew our schedule and tried to disrupt. My wife didn't see it so I went to G and told him his wife needed to back off and give us our time and space. G went to L, L resisted and G rolled over again. Basically she threatened the nookie faucet would dry up and they had a kid together and he would be in hell. G was working 2 jobs almost 70 hours a week to support this woman.

He was 25 years older than L and she wouldn't get off her fat @$$ to help him at all even though he had some issues that made it difficult to work. Lo and behold one day L finally got a job I learned from my wife. I almost keeled over and died on the spot. I knew something was up. Damned if I wasn't right! This B!atch only took a job long enough to get a ticket for her mom to come over and put G in even more hell. Now the spawn of Satan (L) and her mother (female Satan) were able to keep L comfortably under both their thumbs. The poor SOB had to work even more hours to support L and momma L. G had it tough anyway has he was on a disability pension (legitimately). Once momma L had the ticket in hand it was back on her butt, feet up on the couch "taking care of the baby".

L continued to call and interfere with our relationship until the day I filed for divorce. After that she almost never called again, maybe once a month and then for only a few minutes at that instead of the hours she wanted to talk before. L basically dropped out of my wife's life and when my wife wanted to talk to her during our divorce L was now unavailable. Anyway my wife and I still have great communication and would still be married today if it wasn't for her daughter. Stepchildren can be a real wildcard but that is a post for another day. This turned out longer than I originally intended but I think this subject deserves a detailed response as has the ability to sabotage your relationship in very insidious ways! Learn from my experience rather than re-living it.

[dfb]

  For my Belarusian Wife, being able to speak the same language is not sufficient commonality for friendship, i.e. just because they can speech Russian does not mean they are going to be friends.  My wife is very selective about whom she lets into her personal world.  The people she selects, in the US, are similar to the friends that she had back in Minsk, they are similar in education, social class, manners, and interests…

 

  My wife does not have any close Russian-speaking friends in the US, she does not specifically look for Russian-speaking people to make friends with.  The closest that she came to having a Russian friend was a woman who immigrated with her husband who was working abroad.  This woman would call and try to persuade my wife into attending a dance class with her; however, the dance class did not exist and she was really asking my wife to go with her to pickup men at a dance bar.  After she explained the details, my wife refused to go and they did not communicate since. 

 

  I think that Taz made some really good points about problems that other people (married or not) could make in your marriage.  Marriage is tough enough without others getting involved.  What I have noticed is that people in unhappy marriages can't help themselves on making others just as bad (misery loves company).  There is a lot more I can write on this, from jealous former suitors (both in this country and other countries), to people who work with her, and finally a counselor who was very interested in getting into my wife's pants.

[Captmonk1]

I am glad my wife and I don't meet some of the people you guys seem to be meeting....we have had nothing but good luck meeting nice people and nice Russians.

Strange

[rose]

[user=960]Captmonk1[/user] wrote:

I am glad my wife and I don't meet some of the people you guys seem to be meeting....we have had nothing but good luck meeting nice people and nice Russians.

Strange

Don't worry, everyhting's ahead!

[Taz]

[user=960]Captmonk1[/user] wrote:

I am glad my wife and I don't meet some of the people you guys seem to be meeting....we have had nothing but good luck meeting nice people and nice Russians.

Strange

I meant to add in my original post that I had met some RW that I thought my life would like to meet beforehand too. She didn't want to meet any of them as she thought maybe I had slept with some of them before we met.

Sometimes it takes a while to see their true colors too. It may take a year or more to really see it. Also do YOU understand what they are saying? I could have been an ignorant slob and been totally unaware but I listened to what they were saying. I understand Russian well enough to understand almost everything they were saying. It really helps weed out the bad ones and there were more than I thought possible at first. Of course every where is different too.

[Wild Orchid*]

I am glad my wife and I don't meet some of the people you guys seem to be meeting....we have had nothing but good luck meeting nice people and nice Russians.

Strange

Don't worry, everyhting's ahead!
[/quote]
Do you avoid Russian people by all means? Haven't you ever met someone nice enough to be a friend?

[Taz]

I am a firm believer in that everyone should look at both sides. My experience has been that bad Russians outnumber the good in America in many areas. Not all are good not all are bad. To think otherwise is foolish and my parents didn't raise a fool!

Go to an area like Brighton Beach in New York City and you will have a very hard time finding ANY good Russians. Most have left that area.

#1 Rule is don't assume that just because someone is from your home country that you should trust them more than the local people. Russians are dog eat dog to strangers in their own country and that hasn't changed when they came to America.

A lot of Russians came here under false pretenses. Years ago a lot of Russian prisons were emptied out of all the prisoners who claimed they were Jewish and we (USA) like idiots took them in so they could escape their religious persecution. Russia was laughing their butt off then. Just like Castro did when he dumped his prisoners on us before.

There is a reason why Russian have a bad reputation here in many areas; they earned it. Russian mob is probably the most ruthless in the world. A lot of Russians were very involved in crime, much higher percentage than most immigrants here. I have seen the statistics but I can't release numbers here as much as you might want to know as I don't want to risk losing my job. Russian mobs are something the US government really hasn't addressed adequately. If you want to read a very interesting book about this topic find the "Red Mafia" and you will be shocked.

Russians in America are not warm fuzzy bunnies. The average RW can chew up and spit out the average AM. Once they start to no longer respect you, you might as well be a cow waiting to become a hamburger at McDonald's! They live tougher lives than most of you will ever imagine. You may think you are a Golden Gloves boxer but then you get thrown into MMA competition like the UFC and you will get your butt handed to you so quick you can't believe it. It can't be stressed enough, the average RW is far tougher than the average AM. Their Russian friends here don't love Americans.

The Russians didn't come her because they wanted to be around Americans but because they couldn't be successful (for whatever reason) in their own country or were in a minority that was looked down upon or they could start here with a clean slate. I have yet to hear from any Russian that they came to America because the either loved America or Americans. Russians here are not all sugar and spice and everything nice nor are RW great big fuzzy bunnies. Either treat them with respect when they are your wives, girlfriends or lovers or they will no longer respect you and you will see how tough they really are! Trust me, you don't want this. just because they may look ultra-feminine doesn't mean they are tough as nails AND often they know our system better than you do. Also don't think that their friends like you as most RW here married to American men are not exactly looked upon favorably by the other Yuri's and Natashas here. According to them if they WERE good Russian women they could find a REAL Russian man. They often have to deal with discrimination from both Americans AND other Russians.

[David1963]

My wife seems to make friends with the hispanics or Phillipinos in her ESL classes.  She has met a few RW and Russian couples but didn't seem to want to associate with them.

She did like my Russian tutor but she moved soon after my wife arrived.

 

[Captmonk1]

Holy Cow Taz...where can I read about your story???  Before I make any comments I want to read your trip reports and what not.

My experience has pretty much been exactly opposite of yours which makes me either the luckiest person in the world or you the unluckiest. Someone point me to Taz's story if he has written one.

My wife at this very moment is out back drinking wine with two of her Russian friends she met here.

Brad

[Taz]

Captmonk1- I will attribute some of your good luck to where you live. I have been to Memphis many times and used to be a reside not to far away from you. If you go to the bigger areas where Russian congregate you will see what I mean.

I work for a large multi-national company that does a lot of fraud investigation here, there and everywhere in the world. My close personal friend directly does these investigations. Due to the sensitive nature of this type of work I can't disclose too much. Lets just say his professional time is spent investigating fraud between Russia and a particular country in South America. When he finished law school he went to work as a special investigator for one of the national security agencies. He was quickly assigned to one investigating Eastern European crime.

A good treatise on this subject is the book I mentioned earlier. My ex wife and her sister both worked at very large FSU banks. The amount of fraud and corruption there would amaze you. They were at very high levels and NEITHER of them would keep there money in the different banks they worked at.

I am not disuting what you say but I can mostly say you are lucky. There are areas where entire groups of Russians game the system to come her as religious refugees. They have an entire network in the Pacific Northwest that tells their family and friends in the FSU how to game the system and come here and get far more perks than the average immigrant. Maybe my eyes are wider open than most of you here. Maybe it is because I speak the language pretty well. Maybe it was because I have worked in Russia and been there many times dating back 3 decades. Whatever the reason I guarantee you that my words are far truer than most peoples on this list or any.

I have sat at a table numerous times and listened as 2 women sat with their beaus and discussed who had the fatter wallet and what they were going to do with that money once they came to America. Their men were totally oblivious to what was going on around them. They both kept their RM boyfriends while waiting for their K1s to come through. A close friend of mine didn't believe me when his RW was discussing this with another of her friends while we were at lunch. He best move was he never told her that I knew Russian. Worst move he made was he didn't believe me when I told him about it. We are no longer friends because she insisted that I was lying to him and was just trying to break them up. He almost brought her here before realizing what was up. He was too ashamed to even call and tell me I was right and he was wrong or to even apologize.

I am not the kind of guy looking for scammers and evil under every rock. But I can modestly say that few guys here have the experience that I do. Long ago on another forum I posted trip reports. I have been involved with many RW/AM couples and while there are of course good ones there were more bad. A good friend of mine is watching his woman set the tentacles in deeper every day slowly squeezing the life out of him but does he do anything about it? Hell no, to do so would admit failure. He sees it. He is smart but for some reason he keeps waiting to make a move. I don't get it. The women she associates with he can't stand. He speaks very good Russian and sees how they truly are. She has been her several years and won't work. She got pregnant as soon as she could. She was following the play book perfectly. She won't drive so he has to take her everywhere himself. Her soon is a worthless good for nothing bum who he has to support. His wife spends 10-15% of his net income on calling her friends and family in Russia. Think about that, over 10% a month on just phone calls.

All I can say to a lot of you is that even a blind squirl finds a nut sometimes. Just because have a good situation doesn't mean  you did everything right. Conversely even though I am divorced doesn't mean I did lots of things wrong. For me the one thing I couldn't control was what doomed our relationship. My ex-wife was a wonderful woman. I still am good friends with her. I inherited the step-child from hell. This is the other dirty little secret that many don't talk about. I would have rated my ex-wife a 8.5 or 9 in many areas. Absolutely a golden woman on so many levels. Her daughter was the exact opposite.

So if you get lucky with your wife and her friends great. Even trying to do everything right doesn't mean it will still work out. Luck seems to play a part in some of this. One of the biggest, rudest, crudest, uncultured men I know found an absolutely terrifc RW. They are still together long after she had her GC. He got lucky but still doesn't appreciate what he has.

I am not trying to sow the seeds of dissent. I don't want you to go and question all of your wife's friends. I just caution you that things are always the way the seem to be. If it is too good to be true then it probably is.

So now I tread more cautiously around Russians in general as I've seen the bad sides more than I cared to. Being ignorant was much more blissful but now I can't unlearn what I now know to be true. RW are still what I am interested in most but the downside is huge so I better get something amazing in return based on my risk profile!

[Wild Orchid*]

I've met few AM (A for Australian)/RW couple, it clicked with some women and it didn't with others. I'd really like to be friends with 3 of them, but it is their husbands who are causing the problems, not the wives. One of them is brain damaged and sometimes it is a bit difficult to communicate with him, the other one is stuck in his religion (7-th day Adventist) and the third one is very selfish and treats his wife badly. I wouldn't try to avoid all Russian people just because there are Russian. And don't forget that back home we had friends who we met at schools and Unis, we've met them, when we were young. With age it becomes more difficult to make new friends, it doesn't mean that new people we meet are not as good as old ones. Some people have a gift of attracting friends. My aunty is one of them. Last year we went for her 50-th birthday. There were friends- classmates, from the University, from her first work place, and from the last one. She managed to keep old friends and to make new ones all the way through her life.  It says something about her, doesn't it?

[dfb]

I have been married now to Belarusian Woman for 5.5 years.  Over the years, my wife and I have talked at great lengths about much of what Taz has covered.  I believe that Taz is right on the money with what he is saying about the crime and corruption in the FSU.  It is a harsh environment for people to make an honest living (or even to make any kind of living); people must be tough as nails to survive there.  In addition, the crime, corruption, and harsh living conditions are also a motivating force for good people to leave.