The man is always wrong

[Misha]

The fact that he is a loser is why he did not light her up in the first place.

Overall, I agree with what you are saying, but one must be careful. One woman's loser may be another woman's prince.

[TomT]

It's unfortunate that the fiance was seen before things reached their natural conclusion. As the story stands, we will never know whether the girl was a career bigger-better-deal seeker or the guy was hypersensitive.

[GoodOlBoy]

This whole "story" and this U-Tube video/song deserve each other (skip the ad).




GOB

[Faux Pas]

It seems that the men doubting the phenomenon of her lighting up all say the guy is a loser.  

A woman can "Light up" for many reasons besides romantic or sexual. The more interesting she is, likely the more topics that will trigger a positive reaction.

[Gator]

A woman can "Light up" for many reasons besides romantic or sexual. The more interesting she is, likely the more topics that will trigger a positive reaction.

Not the same intensity.

To the doubters, how can I describe the phenomenon of lighting up?  How to describe the Northern Lights to someone who has not seen them?

It is equivalent as the term suggests to lighting up a pinball machine, but not in the way Jack Nicholson stated:

http://www.hark.com/clips/vwltzghvgj-next-woman-takes-me-on-is-gonna-light-up-like-a-pinball-machine-and-pay-off-in-silverdollars

I thought there would be something on the Internet about lighting up.  I found nothing with a solid scientific basis.  What is suggested is that it is an intial period of infatuation.  Increased blood flow to the brain....release of dopamine and other hormones....with all that going on it it reasonable to expect that it would be manifested in the facial expressions of some people.

This woman wrote a vivid piece about its temporal nature, meaning that this all may have passed if the man were more patient.  However, I think it best that he moved on and found someone whom he lights up even if not the same intensity as he just witnessed.

http://www.myspace.com/ccsays/blog/541268389

[Faux Pas]

How many men married women they though loved them and they later realized that it wasn't so? Again, where does he say that she is a "tramp and alley cat"? From what I gather, he understood that the woman that he fell in love with does not love him that way.... Is he a jerk? Quite likely based on his reaction and decisions once he realizes what is likely the truth, but it does not deter from the fact that a 20-year-old woman can quickly fall for a man she considers attractive, and when they do it is pretty obvious to everybody.

The woman was vacationing in Turkey with her husband to be. Other than the description of "Lit up" what leads you to believe the woman was in love with anyone? Absolutely positively can and does happen, a young woman or any woman falls in love with someone else. I would wager not as near as frequent with one betrothed to be married. An interesting conversation lit her eyes  and put a smile on her face. Let's take her out to be drawn and quartered  

[Daveman]

Yes it is my word. Jealousy is such a damming emotion that takes many turns and makes fools of wise men. He was going to marry a women that doesn't love him? And it is her that has the issues? Women and men marry people they do not love all the time. Most will keep the decorum about it. If his perspective were true, the woman is a tramp and alley cat at the very least. 4 meetings and 3 months face time this is all he has to go on? "Lit up" in a 7 minute conversation? I ain't buying it. The woman was in Turkey enjoying herself. She engaged in a 7 minute conversation, 4 trips and 3 months of bliss is tossed under the bus. Yeah right.  

Perhaps the guy just finally had his eye opening, "can't rationalize this away like the other small signs 'Eureka!' moment" when he actually had the ba.. er.. intestinal fortitude to confront the demon within (he perhaps has been fighting all along) that the woman doesn't really love him "like that".  He wants "like that".  The demon kicked his arse.   He certainly could have behaved differently either during or after.  Of course in most any failed relationship there is that "Eureka!" moment...  In some circles it could be said something like "the Beta-provider confronted the animal magnetism of the Alpha male"..  at least to her..  what she was settling for compared to what she really wants.  And she could even LOVE the guy, but he just doesn't push her buttons quite "like that".  

I would agree that her smile, laugh, whatever could have been due to language, or a number of reasons, however, his (literal) gut instinct told him otherwise. I doubt he was wrong.

[Gator]

Perhaps the guy just finally had his eye opening

Excellent comment.  I speculate that there were probably other signals before this.  The straw that broke the camel's back.

[Misha]

I would wager not as near as frequent with one betrothed to be married.

Why? There is an important Russian expression to understand: "по расчёту." Some women will agree to marry men that do not light them up as it is convenient. Put these women in the company of the right man and they will light up  :evil: All I have to do is to read the numerous train wreck threads to see that it is not a rare occurrence 

[Misha]

In some circles it could be said something like "the Beta-provider confronted the animal magnetism of the Alpha male"..  at least to her..  

I agree in principle with what you wrote, but I would not reduce it to issues of being "Alpha" or "Beta." Here is my case: I fell quite strongly for one woman, but she did not fall for me. I then met my wife and she did fall for me and she vividly remembers the first time she saw me on our first date. I was not magically transformed from Beta to Alpha or Alpha to Beta or any other combination of Greek letters. The simple fact is that women will fall for some men, and not others and not all women fall for the same type of men. Even the same woman can fall for different types, dependent on where she is in her cycle: research has shown that closer to ovulation women are more likely to fall for the aggressive "Alpha" types, whereas at other times in their monthly cycle they will be drawn to "providers"....

[SMS60]

I think the guy is far from a loser......... he just had his "ah ha" ( as Daveman simply put it) moment and didn't handle it with calm emotions.

I assume the RM was a complete stranger?  If so, I would find it odd for a "normal" woman to just strike up a conversation with complete stranger with "her man" in the area. Actually a woman who gets wet being next to "her man" would not even think about putting doubts in "her mans " mind by batting her eyes at other men. If he was this "great catch" she most likely would have followed him back to the room and offered her assistance with any problems instead of flirting with other men.

[I/O]

No offence intended ML, BUT.....Are you sure that we are not discussing you here?

Yeah, maybe...........

I agree, he is a loser for the many reasons given (especially deceiving her just for more sex).

Bit moralistic isn't it? Tell me you've never told the odd fibb to get laid? Never.....................?

Regardless of what she is, the dude is an idiot. He was proceeding to marriage, apparently had 3 months of face time and never seen her so a'glow she'd light up the room on a dark night. Not sure which orifice his head is up but it ain't one of hers, that's for sure.

I speculate that there were probably other signals before this.

Ex.......effing......actly...!!!

"Alpha"

Aw, sch!t...!! Nobody told us it was Billy B who set her dripping in those few streetside moments. S'pose he flopped his nothing-to-be-ashmed-of-whangger out and she just burned up on the spot.

[LAman]

Lot of conjecture here.....   Can I add?   :evil:
I do agree the dude showed he's very jealous guy and very immature. Perception can be misleading depending on whose eyes we are looking through. The dude, in what he percieved happened, told ML, then we get those words....who knows how true they actually were/are? Did the girl actually do anything wrong? Was she really flirting( the lit up part)? Maybe girl likes to socialize? I do know that to find someone in another country that speaks your language can be an interesting chat of back home or even as someone suggested something humorous of being in turkey. Also, it woudn't surprise me if the RM would try to make a move on girl but was she?
I think people's behavior is usually consistent, I do wonder if girl was different back home. Maybe this all was for the best, can u imagine dude bringing this girl back to states trying to fend off every guy that speaks to her.

[Gator]

The following has nothing about "LIGHTING UP."   It answers Lily's question:

Now back to your thread title, even though a RW loves you, when something goes wrong, it is your fault.  It is an involuntary reflex.

   

Why is that, could you eventually elaborate? What reflex is that? Looks like some women never grow with this reflex.

Lily, you are not this way.  You have years of education and work experience as an attorney.  You practice the doctrine of reasonableness.   You are not like most RW as you do not like RM and you did not relish life in Russia.

My experience with most RW is as I described.  Other men have said the same. 

Actually, it is not productive in any setting to blame someone for a problem.  Assigning blame does not fix the problem and just upsets the other person.  So why argue about whose fault it is unless it is a repetitive problem.  Frankly I don’t recall if the woman blamed me only after I said I had a problem with what she did.  Best to remain silent.  Besides, a RW will not agree it was her fault.  Waste of breath. 

Along this line if I asked a loaded question that would place them on the defense, they would turn the tables. 

Me:  I saw that you listed your profile on Elena’s Models.  I thought we were exclusive.

Her:  Why are you looking at women on EM?

Me:  I was politely answering women who had written me that I was taken.  I saw your photo in the front page banner as Hot New Girl of the Week.

Her:  I don’t like you writing other women.

It escalates:

As an attorney, you can ask the judge to tell an evasive witness to answer your question.  Never happens with a RW.

[Daveman]

I agree in principle with what you wrote, but I would not reduce it to issues of being "Alpha" or "Beta." Here is my case: I fell quite strongly for one woman, but she did not fall for me. I then met my wife and she did fall for me and she vividly remembers the first time she saw me on our first date. I was not magically transformed from Beta to Alpha or Alpha to Beta or any other combination of Greek letters. The simple fact is that women will fall for some men, and not others and not all women fall for the same type of men. Even the same woman can fall for different types, dependent on where she is in her cycle: research has shown that closer to ovulation women are more likely to fall for the aggressive "Alpha" types, whereas at other times in their monthly cycle they will be drawn to "providers"....

Absolutely true.  There is the common vernacular of the "game", which is overly simplistic for me, but used often in this forum so I used it here.   And contrary to popular belief, women (though usually not men) CAN actually not have immediate attraction and slowly fall in love over time (well, real love always takes time to morph from infatuation into something greater, but I think the point is clear enough). And when this happens, the relationships usually have extreme longevity.  I wouldn't say it's uncommon but I certainly wouldn't suggest any guy (especially in these relationships) bet the farm on it.

 

[GQBlues]

Not the same intensity....I thought there would be something on the Internet about lighting up.  I found nothing with a solid scientific basis.  What is suggested is that it is an intial period of infatuation.  Increased blood flow to the brain....release of dopamine and other hormones....with all that going on it it reasonable to expect that it would be manifested in the facial expressions of some people....

In my neck of the woods, such euphoric state is described as 'locked' or even 'zoned'. Where we are, getting 'lit-up' means getting coked-up (getting high), getting painted (paint balls), or even getting punched.

Speculate is as speculate does...bottom line is, as soon as she saw him (hero) finally appeared - she came running to him! So it goes....too bad.

Is the term better described in a kind of way...   

[SANDRO43]

IMHO it also depends on the specific woman. My ex-wife's behaviour would show a noticeable change - I would not describe it quite as 'lighting up', but a sort of preening up - when she felt the subject of admiring male glances. I think she relished being aesthetically appreciated by more than just one man .

[GQBlues]

Aw, sch!t...!! Nobody told us it was Billy B who set her dripping in those few streetside moments. S'pose he flopped his *nothing-to-be-ashmed-of-whangger* out and she just burned up on the spot.

Apparently "Fat Elvis" can, and have, 'lit-up' more than a few devs, eh(?). Or so it's been said. After all, the mind IS the biggest sex organ in a man's body.

[I/O]

the mind IS the biggest sex organ in a man's body.

LOL, sure likely to be in the aforementioned body. 

[Daveman]

Lot of conjecture here.....   Can I add?   :evil:
I do agree the dude showed he's very jealous guy and very immature. Perception can be misleading depending on whose eyes we are looking through. The dude, in what he percieved happened, told ML, then we get those words....who knows how true they actually were/are? Did the girl actually do anything wrong? Was she really flirting( the lit up part)? Maybe girl likes to socialize? I do know that to find someone in another country that speaks your language can be an interesting chat of back home or even as someone suggested something humorous of being in turkey. Also, it woudn't surprise me if the RM would try to make a move on girl but was she?
I think people's behavior is usually consistent, I do wonder if girl was different back home. Maybe this all was for the best, can u imagine dude bringing this girl back to states trying to fend off every guy that speaks to her.

It's not really about whether or not she did something wrong...

The guy saw her "reaction" to this other man.  It kicked his soul to the dirt.  That's beyond the realm of jealousy. That's realization.  Certainly he could have "realized" something erroneously... I just don't think so.

[GQBlues]

Daveman-

For the sake of discussion, let's just assume the RM was Adonis in the flesh. Let him be the gawd's present to all women...she reacted to it.

He then realized at that moment someone else gets to be Adonis' in this world and obviously it ain't him...'Hello Reality, anyone home?'

So where's the problem again?

[Misha]

... women (though usually not men) CAN actually not have immediate attraction and slowly fall in love over time ... And when this happens, the relationships usually have extreme longevity.  I wouldn't say it's uncommon but I certainly wouldn't suggest any guy (especially in these relationships) bet the farm on it.

I would be even less likely to bet the farm on it, or even a few scraggly chickens, when it is your average WM/RW relationship 

[GoodOlBoy]

I would be even less likely to bet the farm on it, or even a few scraggly chickens, when it is your average WM/RW relationship 

Yeah, and when you are talking about a 20 something year old "HOT" FSU girl, I wouldn't bet ANYTHING on that relationship!

GOB

[Maxx2]

ML's description comes across to me as Dude has the issues and should have apologized for a childish overreaction with so little to go on. Personally I'd be proud to have a woman who is outgoing enough to engage conversation with complete strangers. If she was such a woman to attempt a hook up with a total stranger, what was he taking her to Turkey for in the first place? The guy's got the issues there even if he's correct in his suspicion, no?

This is why I gave up trying to educate men about Green Card Girls and women who didn't have the right stuff to make a marriage work. As I said before being married to a RW for any length of time proves nothing. I guy can be pure lucky in his choice.

[GQBlues]

Hah! GOB. You should've laid a bet on mine. Although wifey's 27 now, *I'm* still 'hot'