Boredom

[alex330]

One of our main concerns is what my fiance will do all day while I work after she arrives to the US. I live in an area with things to do (beach, shopping, events, etc) but there is only so much of this she can do and without being able to drive initially we both fear she will go a bit stir crazy. She is very independant and she is giving a lot of this up when she moves here. I am sure homesickness and the accompanying stress has killed many relationships with women moving over.

I have been told driving lessons are good to kill some time. She does not want another college degree.

Ideas or advice on this one guys? What helped in your situation?

[GoodOlBoy]

A nice women's bicycle...Seriously.
My wife rode hers all over Miami until she got her drivers license.
 
GOB

PS....Put a shopping basket on it, they love to go to the stores.

[alex330]

Great idea!
 
 I am a little north of you and somewhat close to the beach and had not even thought of this.
 Little extra stress I guess as Ft Lauderdale was recently ranked #1 in the nation for traffic related deaths but she will need to get out to maintain her sanity.

[vwrw]

I made two attempts to build my life in America. The first attempt was a failure. I started feel unbearably homesick  soon after my arrival although I lived close to a big city with all its temptations,  and we chose our house so that transportation was within a walking distance.  At first attempt,  I could not stop crying and thinking about everything I left behind, so I went home.

With now my husband, everything has been absolutely different.  Although we live in the middle of nowhere,  I do not remember  feeling homesick or bored at all. 

I think two reasons account for the difference. 1.) the quality of relationship. My husband knows how to handle me so that I feel great, what to say for encouraging and supporting me and how to refocus me or change my mind. My ex did not. 2.) Goals. Unlike the first time, second time,  I arrived with established goals.

The fulfillment of my goals keeps me busy during days and the company of my husband makes me happy during evening.   

So my advice is stop discussing what she leaves behind and start thinking about what place under American sun she wants. Where she wants be in five years ? What steps should be taken to get there? Once the steps are determined, she can occupy herself with  making the steps.

Moreover, understanding new culture, correcting her English and studying the driving rules are time-consuming preoccupations. They can fill her day time if she is curious and  not lazy.

[The Natural]

Home improvement, if that is relevant. Many Russians are good at putting up wallpaper.
 
I'm actually also eager to see if my girl gets bored over time. Not staying here with me yet, but in her own place. I don't see much point in her getting a very low paid job, especially as we plan for her to come to me for Christmas for a visit. But that's a few months away and she has been used to work 12 hour days, most days, for a long time....

[BC]

School is another possibility - any will do whether it be English classes or underwater basket weaving.. Makes no difference.. anything to get, her into contact with the local population.

What are her hobbies?  Any hobby clubs around along the lines of her interests? Sports clubs, cooking, volunteer work.. again - anything she is interested in will do is a plus.

Any type of work she can call 'her own' and earn some spending change is a plus.

Along the way, it's probably a good idea not to try and force feed, but instead drop hints and be interested in helping to find solutions, but make the idea seem like hers.  IMHE try to avoid her feeling like she is being 'babied'..

Avoid FSU TV channels unless she really insists - there is plenty to watch on the 'net as time permits.



 

[The Natural]

Are english lessons mandatory for foreigners relocating to the US? It is here (native language) and will fill most weekdays for many moons.

[Turboguy]

English lessons are not mandatory and there are people who have lived in this country for a decade who can't speak English.
 
You don't say how her English is Alex but ESL classes are good even if she speaks good English.  They can help her learn more but even more important she can make some friends and sometimes having a few people to talk to can make a big difference. 
 
I would agree with the suggestion to avoid Russian TV but getting the subtitles on your TV will be a big help.  It will make it easier for her to understand and help her improve her English.
 
The computer is a good time killer and helps prevent boredom.  I think everyone is different but I think if she is happy in her relationship the boredom will seem like a minor thing.  I do agree that if she has some goals for her life here that may help as well.  We can tolerate a lot if we think our life is moving in the direction where we will find fulfillment and happiness.

[alex330]

I think two reasons account for the difference. 1.) the quality of relationship. My husband knows how to handle me so that I feel great, what to say for encouraging and supporting me and how to refocus me or change my mind. My ex did not. 2.) Goals. Unlike the first time, second time,  I arrived with established goals.

Good points. We have some of the normal goals such as children in a few years, etc. but some of her personal goals would be helpful.

Off topic, but how hard or easy was it to meet female friends for you in the US vwrw?

[alex330]

Home improvement, if that is relevant. Many Russians are good at putting up wallpaper.
 
I I don't see much point in her getting a very low paid job,

Yes, I am currently doing a major remodel before she arrives and will leave certain things like paint finishing touches undone to occupy us a bit.

We are torn on the job. A part time job at Pier 1 or a clothing store wont pay much but may allow her to interact with people and maybe get a discount on clothing 

What are her hobbies?  Any hobby clubs around along the lines of her interests? Sports clubs, cooking, volunteer work.. again - anything she is interested in will do is a plus.

Avoid FSU TV channels unless she really insists - there is plenty to watch on the 'net as time permits.

 

Hobbies I am sure she will focus on a bit more with free time. Photography. Isn't that the default national hobby for RW?   
Neither of us watch much TV but I had thought of ordering Russian channels when she arrived, maybe will pass that one up...

You don't say how her English is Alex but ESL classes are good even if she speaks good English. 
 

 Her English is excellent. She is a professional interpreter and besides a slight (and very sexy) accent even speaks with local slang.
I can see the value in lessons just so she can meet people new to the area and make friends though.


Good feedback from everyone. I really appreciate it.

[Ade]

Are english lessons mandatory for foreigners relocating to the US? It is here (native language) and will fill most weekdays for many moons.

Norwegian lessons are not mandatory. However, proof of Norwegian language proficiency is mandatory (you have to take a test) if you want to become a Norwegian citizen. Of course, as the language lessons are free for foreign wives of Norwegian citizens (or permanent residence like myself) it would be silly to pass up the opportunity to learn even if our wives choose not to become a citizen in 7 years or so.

[vwrw]

Off topic, but how hard or easy was it to meet female friends for you in the US vwrw?

Since I am a student, I interact with many people in school . I am also likable in reality (some people here may find it difficult to believe), each semester I meet some American women who offers me their friendship.  Have I had more free time on my hand to invest in friendships, I would have at least three nice American female friends even though I still struggle with the spoken English. If your lady will not sit at home, she may find friends even easier since her English is excellent.
 
It was also easy to find Russian speaking females here. I joined ESL class, met there a girl who introduced me to some local ladies.  However, it was difficult to find friends among these ladies because of the differences in interests. So I guess how hard or easy it would be for your lady to meet female friends in the US depends on her interests and the interests of the Russian speaking females living around.  Currently, I have one friend whose company I enjoy tremendously. Your lady will find a friend too.

[ML]

Based on my current on-going experience; if someone gets into a rigorous ESL program, they will have not time to feel either bored or homesick.

[BC]

It was also easy to find Russian speaking females here. I joined ESL class, met there a girl who introduced me to some local ladies.  However, it was difficult to find friends among these ladies because of the differences in interests. So I guess how hard or easy it would be for your lady to meet female friends in the US depends on her interests and the interests of the Russian speaking females living around.  Currently, I have one friend whose company I enjoy tremendously. Your lady will find a friend too.
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My wife shunned contact with FSU locals here for a period of around 6 months or so...  guess she felt that she first needed to get her own 'house in order'..

Maybe it's just a cultural thing too.. I would see a fairly obvious FSU couple down in town or at the immigration office and prod a bit..  Maybe she was not used to just walking up to folks and say Hi!..  Most of her/our early friendships were via our OB/GYN.. meeting other pregnant FSU women.... LOL

[vwrw]

I can relate to your wife’s experience, BC. I also kept myself aloof from other FSUP at first. I did not want to spend my time associating with FSUP when so many cryptic and exotic United  Staters were walking around. Putting my “house” in order also was my priority.   
 
I also often do not prod or do anything when seeing other Russian speaking people although I am comfortable in  initiating contacts with unfamiliar people.   it might be a consequence of growing up in a city.  City dwellers usually do not walk up and say hi to unfamiliar people; whereas, in America it is a norm that was formed when the majority of United  Staters were rural dwellers and this carried on to modern America.

[GQBlues]

Alex-
 
As far as her getting homesick, not much you can do about that. It would help her pangs a bit if you were able to get her folks back home a webcam so she can chat with them to her heart's content.
 
As for the homefront activity, what i did with my wife before once the hoopla of us having her family over for a month, I waited two weeks after and threw a party bash and invited all my friends. I introduced her to my female friends to get her comfortable being around folks close to me. My friends were very gracious and really did all they can to make her feel she belonged. When I had to go back to work, they took turns coming over and did everything with her. Shopping, walks on beach, the city, movies, lunch, etc...occasionally we'd all go out dinner and dancing and sometimes she'd be out with them for girl's night outs, brunch, etc......They were just awesome and I feel blessed having them as friends.

 
So between 'our' (me&her) activities, and she around my friends, she took on the sense that she belonged here. Isolation is the single worst thing anyone had to go through during these times. I still remember the times she'd call me at work to tell me 'Janet/Tina/Lexie (even some of my ex) was coming by to pick her up to go to, or do whatever...It was so, sooo cool, man...
 
I remember the first time she went back to Russia, she couldn't wait to get back here and jump back into the swing of things. It really gave her that sense of belonging. She was even crying because she said she misses me and everyone while she was at her parent's house, LOL.
 
Never underestimate the company of your friends...they are your extensions in life.

[Steamer]

As far as her getting homesick, not much you can do about that. It would help her pangs a bit if you were able to get her folks back home a webcam so she can chat with them to her heart's content.
 

Quite right. Being very low tech myself I just made sure that I had a good international phone plan so she could call home whenever she wanted without breaking the bank.

[Darth_Budda]

Alex-
 
As far as her getting homesick, not much you can do about that. It would help her pangs a bit if you were able to get her folks back home a webcam so she can chat with them to her heart's content.
 

Now that's a good idea,,,

[Chicagoguy]

Since her English is so good I would not recommend ESL classes. We even have a Russian teaching at ours. But at these same schools they do offer free Citizenship  classes. Even if she is not ready for this yet [ my wife isn't ] it is interesting and she will meet some similar people.
But the only drawback there might be too many Spanish speaking people in the class. They even give the U.S. citizenship test in Spanish. Also, check out other classes at the local Jr. College. Even some of the hobby classes there or at the local park district.

[Turboguy]

Since her English is so good I would not recommend ESL classes.

My wifes English was great.  I think even when she arrived she had a bigger vocabulary than I did but they will help with the accent and meeting new people with a similar background is always a plus.
 
Usually meeting the first few RW is the toughest for them.  Once they meet a few they will meet many more who the others already have met.
 
We live in a villiage with few Russians in the area yet my wife as still managed to make friends with RW.  At the time she arrived I had only heard of one RW in the area actually through a former RWD member who lives 1000 miles away

[HiTech]

1. I would do everything possible to get her mobile. Including purchasing a used tank.

2. Wedding planning.

HiTech

[Jumper]

1.Skype or other VioP to contact friends and family.
 
2. if her english is good, forget the russian channels
The ones offered are pretty lousy according to my fiancee taste anyway.
We tried them, she just prefers our regular programming.
( i thought she might occasionally enjoy any russian language program,but that hasnt been the case)
 
3. the bicycle is a great idea.
(we've done a bit of bicycling)
 
4., i do think ESL classes are of value , if just from the social interaction, or *getting the heck out of the house* aspect)
since its generally a scheduled time or day . this leads to masking sure it happens (rather than random shopping or other trips)
 
 
vwrw outlined something i find  interesting,
 
while we at the forum have seen cases of new immigrants
 having varied results in assimilating,
its almost always looked at as the individuals abilty and personality.
neither a bad or good thing, just tyhat people are diffrent.
 
This was a case of the same person, having a profoundly different experience based mostly on the relationship itself.
 
This of course is also often gone over,
but usually only in a train wreck style, or if very big apparent
 flaws or red flags were waving on one parties side or the other, not simply the comfort level of the relationship?
 
 
Anyway my experience tells me if your fiancee has good english and is even slightly outgoing,and is content and comfortable in your relationship, 
the actual mobility , while important, wont be some big factor.
They know it comes with time,
but sure , get her mobile as soon as is reasonable, and driving lessons are a way to spend some time..
 
My fiancee hasn't really had any pangs of homesickness,
 she says perhaps it will come later when the situation is more *real* to her.. but doesn't really think so.
 
 I took a bit a of time off work initially,
and we spent a good deal of time just seeing the local sites and sounds this city has to offer,
 
Now back to a  regular work schedule has dampened that a bit, but we still have time to do enough that she hasn't been extreemly bored.
 
as example driving and seeing some sights saturday,
she watched me race sunday morning/to early afternoon, and afterwards we went to a state park and hiked a few miles in the bit of rugged terrian there with some awesome overlooks..
 
On the monday thru friday bit ,
 we try and have at least something planned a few evenings..even if its simple things to do (like the bicycling mentioned)
 
my point being we are both pretty spur of the moment people,and act on that...
 
yet having some plan ,some particular time and a set
*something to do*..  seems to help!
 
Even if its as simple as *bicycling to this place* on tuesday at 6pm, or *driving practice* on thurday evening..
 
 
while we certainly may do any of those on any given day ..if you follow me..
 
 
 
Good luck.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[I/O]

Alex: Knock her up.

[brian131]

I'll give you the same advice I was given after my divorce.  She needs regularly scheduled social contact.  The scheduled part is very important.  She needs to be able to count on this and look forward to it without disappointment.

[alex330]

Alex: Knock her up.

Funny, I have had several guys tell me this. But yes, kids will eventually occupy our time. As soon as we are both sure neither of us eats crackers in bed we will nail this one down 

Did not even think of all the time the wedding planning will consume...

Good input by all, I appreciate the feedback.