He will change and start beating you! You can't adopt to the USA mentality!

[Eduard]

One of my clients who is getting married in a few weeks shared this issue with me. His fiancee seems to be stressed out by constant brainwashing from her friends and cousins (who haven't met him). Her parents actually met him and even though they had put him through a serious interrogation they finally started to like him and she got their blessing. But this constant stream of negative remarks like: "He will change once you marry him and will start beating you! You will never be able to adjust to life in the USA, they are so different, the mentality is so different, you will feel alone and miserable, etc. etc." is really putting a damper on the happiness of the moment. She loves her cousins and friends and their opinion means a lot to her, yet she is in love with him and in spite of all the negativity is coming to the US. I was wondering if any one here had a similar experience with their ladies and how did you deal with that situation?

[tfcrew]

'What God has joined...let no one put asunder'

Family and 'friends' have certainly destroyed a lot more than one marriage.

[Hammer2722]

My previous girlfriend went through something similar. Her friends and cousins repeatedly told her that she would never be approved for a Fiance Visa and would constantly tell her she would never be able to come to the US and to not waste her time. I think she bought into it to the point where she decided that she could not leave her family in Ukraine and we broke up shortly after.
 
My current girlfriend has the benefit of having most of her friends already married to foreigners and moved to other countries so she reallly does know the score.

[GQBlues]

I can't say I've had this experience, nor will I allow myself to be in one.

Both her Mumski and Popski actually rallied for me from all her suitors before we all met, especially Popski. When wifey and I decided to take the next step and share our life together, with everyone's consent, I flew to Germany & St Pete to meet and spend time with one of her sister and her hubby. Then I flew to Toronto to do the same with her other sister & family. I then took it upon myself to make sure they were all here in LA in attendance for our wedding.

During the months of courtship and the two times I had gone to her town, I spent 2 weeks once and 3 weeks another time and both time spent a whole lot of time with her friends. I also took the 2-day train (OW) with her and Mumski to meet and visit her babushka in some deep provincial town I don't even remember where anymore - at my insistence.

I put an effort to make sure everyone knew who I was, and what I will be in my wife's life.

So, if with these effort, wifey still can't somehow find the clarity and strenght in her and look through her life's prism and make proper and distinct observation on her own, then it is no longer a concern for me, and likely one I'd even want to be a party to at first offering. There are things in everyone's life you need to be solely responsible for on your own.

[Vinnvinny]

People love to be negative about most things, we see it on these forums all the time. The lady in question will unlikely change her mind although some seeds of doubt will have been sowed.

The only surprise for me is that Ed's client hasn't yet met his 'bride to be' friends, at least those she claims to love. That's odd.

[ECOCKS]

Communicate, communicate, communicate

There's no substitute for it.

Time and again, I saw guys insist they had informed the girls to the point where the woman understood.

Time and again I hear from couples where the gal is overwhelmed by all of the differences. Mobility, language and employment seem to be the big ones.

If you don't deal with these issues adequately on the front end it increases the burden after arrival. Unfortunately, after arrival most guys are going to be out of courting and back into reality/living mode.

For your guy's situation I'd advise him to get her in touch with some SUCCESSFULLY married FSUW. Olga's board might be a good place to start.

Additionally, I'd say the fellow needs to be spending A LOT more time with her and the prospective in-laws discussing what life will be like after arrival back in the US. Pictures, newspapers, frank consideration on where/if she'll work, where she can expect to find social interaction, etc.

It varies for each person of course. Some eagerly look forward to a new cultural experience, others are afraid of the very real differences they will face. Some are scared of driving, others envision themselves as Formula 1 drivers.

He wanted to play the game, he needs to read up on the playbooks.

[Eduard]

People love to be negative about most things, we see it on these forums all the time. The lady in question will unlikely change her mind although some seeds of doubt will have been sowed.

The only surprise for me is that Ed's client hasn't yet met his 'bride to be' friends, at least those she claims to love. That's odd.

We did meet her sister in law and a couple of friends on the first trip. On the second trip he went on his own and they flew to another city where her parents live. I understand that he did met several frinds and cousins. But the ones who are giving her the toughest time actuall haven't met him. She is OK and she is coming, but they are really messing with her head and he wishes that she wouldn't have to put up with all that negativity.


@GQ: sounds like you had all your basis covered, Good job!

[Vinnvinny]

We did meet her sister in law and a couple of friends on the first trip. On the second trip he went on his own and they flew to another city where her parents live. I understand that he did met several frinds and cousins. But the ones who are giving her the toughest time actuall haven't met him.

I don't think people should be considering marriage after just 2 trips/visits. Maybe I'm the one who is odd.

[Eduard]

I don't think people should be considering marriage after just 2 trips/visits. Maybe I'm the one who is odd.

I married my wife after 2 visits... you, odd? No way!!!

[Boethius]

Hubby and I decided to marry within two weeks of our meeting.

[Faux Pas]

The naysaying friends and cousins are well meaning. I don't see this as the crabs in the bucket scenario. If little to no relationship exists in the first place, she is likely going to heed their advices. Adversely, if they have formed a good relationship, nothing the naysayers can say will change her mind.


As with most questions/threads it is all about the relationship. The good ones have a 50% survival rate. The bad ones, not so much.

I don't think people should be considering marriage after just 2 trips/visits. Maybe I'm the one who is odd.

You and I. Considering it is one thing, doing it is another. Although I did after 3 trips but, I wouldn't recommend it

[Vinnvinny]

I married my wife after 2 visits... you, odd? No way!!!

Well done Ed. Is that something you recommend your clients to do?

Hubby and I decided to marry within two weeks of our meeting.

And well done Boethius too. I guess hubby wasn't as concerned about you beating him as Ed's clients lass is.

[Daveman]

We did meet her sister in law and a couple of friends on the first trip. On the second trip he went on his own and they flew to another city where her parents live. I understand that he did met several frinds and cousins. But the ones who are giving her the toughest time actuall haven't met him. She is OK and she is coming, but they are really messing with her head and he wishes that she wouldn't have to put up with all that negativity.


@GQ: sounds like you had all your basis covered, Good job!

She puts up with what she chooses to put up with.  She can tell them to shut up. She can stay away from them.  Her choice. 

[Eduard]

Well done Ed. Is that something you recommend your clients to do?

And well done Boethius too. I guess hubby wasn't as concerned about you beating him as Ed's clients lass is.

don't change the story Vinn, I have never said that she is concerned with him beating her...
I personally feel that the cousins are just jelous...

[Jack]

eduard, your title suggest he will start beating her. No one trying to change your story.   And this is they guy that only met one Russian woman?  And is going to marry the first and only Russian woman he ever met after two visits?

[Vinnvinny]

don't change the story Vinn, I have never said that she is concerned with him beating her...
I personally feel that the cousins are just jelous...

I’m not changing your story Ed, just telling you the way I see it. Here is the walkthrough…..


Your client meet this lady twice and they agree to get married with her going to the States to live. This is a big big upheaval for both parties. With just a few weeks to go before their wedding she is darkening his doorstep with comments about the possibility he might be very different once she arrives on his home soil and comments such as “he will change once you marry him and will start beating you!” have been aired by friends/cousins.


As this situation is “putting a damper on the happiness of the moment” I’m of the conclusion that more than one friend/cousin has said this or else why would she even relay it to your client as it will cause stress, obviously.


My conclusion from what you have told us is that because she doesn't really know this guy the seeds of doubt have been set by people who admittedly have never even met him. More importantly, your client has failed miserably to communicate to her that he isn’t a wife beater, hence the situation existing as you described.


Whether you accept it or not it would appear that she is concerned.

[Jack]

hummm, and if she does not come to the states and marries, so much for eduards second,  err I mean fourty first marriage.

[GQBlues]

Actually, for a situation like this, a fairly good way to treat such cases of anxiety and uncertainty is to make additional trips to assure and comfort her. If trips are prohibitive, then a wide channel of communications, or social medium, should be done that is inclusive of friends and families of both parties....webcam, facebook pages, etc...heck, even message boards of women who were/are taking, or had taken, the same path in life.
 
That's what I would advise your friend, Eduard. There is however, and should be, an end game to these types of situations and are strictly subjective. There's only so much anyone can do, and like everything else, it is up to the woman to find ease in their relationship.

[I/O]

Eduard: It's standard fare. The irony is, if they go back to visit later as a married couple, everyone will be thrilled to bits for them. Been there, done that.

[Vinnvinny]

Eduard: It's standard fare. The irony is, if they go back to visit later as a married couple, everyone will be thrilled to bits for them. Been there, done that.

Of course there will be last minute doubts and apprehensions. It's normal. You would think after all the marriages Ed has overseen he would be used to these types of situations by now.

[I/O]

You would think after all the marriages Ed has overseen

I wasn't aware his services extended to "overseeing marriages"? I've been under the impression that once he hooks two people up and after the first trip he ususally exits stage left, other than perhaps attending the occasional wedding which would seem fairly logical to me, no?

[Boethius]

I think Ed's title is a quote of friends/relatives.

Well done Ed. Is that something you recommend your clients to do?

I guess hubby wasn't as concerned about you beating him as Ed's clients lass is.

Actually, his mother initially was opposed to our marriage because in those days, marrying a foreigner was a great way to bring even more attention to oneself.  He had relatives denounce him.  He had one call and tell him she wished he were dead. 

[Jumper]

He had relatives denounce him.  He had one call and tell him she wished he were dead.

Well, did he tell her death has many forms?
Marriage just one of the more unpleasant of them??

 
 
heh
 
and no, my fiancee doesn't appreciate my sense of humor.
 
 
 
 
 

[Jumper]

Eduard,
I don't think it's an unusual occurence, and as I/O pointed out the same people will likely be absolutely  fine later.
 
 In our current  case her friends and family think its fantastic , supportive and happy for her , but of course are saddened she will reside so far away.
 

[GQBlues]

Well, did he tell her death has many forms?
Marriage just one of the more unpleasant of them??
 
 
 
heh
 
and no, my fiancee doesn't appreciate my sense of humor.
 
 

That's okay AJ. If you're lucky, she won't be your fiancee too much longer.....