women with adult children

[Faux Pas]

My wife's mother is on a pension, fixed income, and has fixed costs. When my wife arrived here, the loss of her income ( less her expenses) would have made her mother's life a bit more difficult but not unbearable. I liked her mom. I wanted to help. My wife appreciated this but told me only a "little bit" would be necessary. So I average about $50 a month.  Sometimes a little bit more when for example, she needed to replace the front door in her flat. Sometimes a bit less when we have an issue here. Sometimes she does not even use the money and it sits in a bank account. When it reaches a predetermined limit, I stop. But its there if she needs it.

I see nothing wrong with helping out the family back home, but you need to draw the line between what is truly needed versus just sending money back and then finding out they went for a vacation on Thailand. If you told this woman that you would be happy to send back, for example, $100 a month to help out a bit, what would her reaction be? Thank you for being considerate or I want more? I see no reason for you to significantly support a married daughter who has a working husband. $300 is a lot of money IMHO.

Good on you. Once I knew I was going to marry my wife, I prepared myself to send the MIL a stipend that would equate to my wife's prior salary. MIL would not hear of it, she's a very proud woman  and while she did appreciate the thought, she let me know with a quickness that she accepted charity from nobody. I've have since bought her some big ticket items, some the wife and SIL informed me she needed (this pissed her off) and some just from my observation she could use (she cherishes those).


I misunderstood the situation but, I was prepared to insure that the family didn't miss the income. On my wife's recent trip to Russia, when she returned home, she brought money that my MIL sent to me. It was a substantial amount and it was in cash. I was shocked. She was giving me money that I had no idea she had. Not to either of her daughters but, to me. I don't need it, don't want it but, no way would I send it back. To do so would hurt her feelings. I've invested it and will get it back to her in some way. I haven't figured out how yet. This pensioner sent me money. I make more in a week than she does in a year. She told me after my wife gave it to me that she wasn't going to use it and she knew that I would know what to do with it. Trust me, I was/am very humbled

[Misha]

MIL would not hear of it, she's a very proud woman  and while she did appreciate the thought, she let me know with a quickness that she accepted charity from nobody.

Sounds like my MIL. She would never dream of taking money from us and would e horrified at the suggestion of sending her a monthly cheque 

[BillyB]

civi68, I don't know where you are in your relationship but it seems you're ready to marry the woman but you aren't in love with the family.
 
I would never get involved with a woman who tells me her problems, the ones solved with money. On the other hand if I'm marrying the woman, she earned my trust and I love the family, I would do everything to help the family when their down because they are family and get special treatment.
 
I understand your woman. her daughter and grandchild isn't living under ideal conditions although son in law is working. At least he isn't lazy and trying to make a living. It seems you don't have much emotional attachment to the rest of the family but when marrying a woman, you are basically marrying her family too.
 
When the Libyan war started, My fiancee and her mom had to evacuate and lost everything. Fortunately they had property back in Ukriane but they were jobless. They didn't ask me for money but I initially sent them a few thousand dollars for food and clothes and sent $500 a month afterwards to take care of both of them. I told my fiancee when she gets here, she will never have to worry about mom suffering because I consider her my mom too.
 
You've brought up one issue but what about the rest? Is she a winner? Is she marriage material? Does she care about you and take care of your needs? If so then marry her and forget about $300 a month. That's a bargain for the enormous respect and love you will get in return. If you're not sure you love her, leave her for that reason, not because this seems like a business deal. I actually admire your woman that she exhibits a strong desire to take care of family. Maybe she will take good care of you too.

[55North]

When I started 'courting' my widowed wife-to-be, I appreciated that she has adult sons in the USA, and would be leaving her mother in the 'care' of a brother in Russia.  She would possess no assets of financial value.
 
Subsequently, we have forwarded financial supplements to both her sons and her mother, with pleasure.   


However, as my wife's extended family, which is very much inclusive of her first in-laws, go from economic strength to strength in Russia, and her sons marry US citizens, we here in the UK are seeing our financial ship slowly sinking, and are now seriously considering futures in the US or Russia or both, at the behest of our wonderful family.
 
I had never considered for one moment that I might live out my retirement in a foreign country, and not to be probably buried by my brothers in England.  But I am suddenly excited by the about turn in possible futures, even in my 60s.
 
Do I have a point? 
 
In these 'times' which have only just got started, there is a lot of economic hurt and social readjustment to come, which will put a lot of pressure on our relationships, especially if the RU/UA expectations are shattered by reality in the west.  On the bright side, if your woman is of Soviet origin particularly, she already is likely to have experience of seriously hard times, and will be resilient.  We westerners will once again appreciate the strength of 'family' as the 1st, and most fundamental level of social organisation and support, something we have to a certain extent lost with our economic and social fluidity. 
 
If there is a valid ongoing payment to be honoured, you should at least be sure of it's validity, but point out that it might not be sustainable over time or inflation-linked.  I don't believe it to be a straight forward yes/no situation.  As already indicated by acctBill, by marrying an FSUW, you will move into a parallel domestic universe capable of amazing support and generosity in which you may have a star role, even if your birth society doesn't care about your very being.  We should realise that in the not too distant future, the West might not be the smart place to be for material comfort or health, and many here present might find themselves being supported by HER family.

[Chicagoguy]

 


 
 

 

 
If there is a valid ongoing payment to be honoured, you should at least be sure of it's validity, but point out that it might not be sustainable over time or inflation-linked.  I don't believe it to be a straight forward yes/no situation.  As already indicated by acctBill, by marrying an FSUW, you will move into a parallel domestic universe capable of amazing support and generosity in which you may have a star role, even if your birth society doesn't care about your very being.  We should realise that in the not too distant future, the West might not be the smart place to be for material comfort or health, and many here present might find themselves being supported by HER family.

My wife's father is a pensioner and widower. He is 87 and a veteran of the Great Patriotic War. Not long ago he proposed to my wife that we both move to Russia and he will pay for our flat. I would probably never do this but it shows the generosity of at least one Russian.

[GoodOlBoy]

This pensioner sent me money........ I was/am very humbled

 
This is unbelievable FP.
Same thing happened to me also.
Marina went home to Omsk a few months back and I stayed here in the GoodOl' USA.

While she was gone, I had my expensive mountain bike stolen out in front of the local pharmacy store.
I was talking to Marina that same evening and told her about the whole thing.
Apparently she told her Mom about it and how upset I was.

When Marina was packing to leave and come home Mom (a 70 y.o. pensioner) handed her 4,000 rubles (about $125. give or take a little).
Marina asked her what this was for, Mom smiled and told her to buy me a new bicycle.
Marina tried to refuse the money, but Momma got very upset. 
So Marina brought the money home and gave it to me.
 
Of course the mountain bike I had stolen was almost 4 times that amount but I told Marina to lie to her Mom and tell her it was more than enough money for a new bike and to thank her profusely. 
 
I was completely humbled by the experience.
 
GOB
 
 
BTW.....Every time Marina goes home she replaces something old in her Mom's flat (with much protesting). This trip home she replaced their stove. Last time it was the refrigerator and the time before that, the television (Dad was very happy  ). Marina says that the whole place needs remodeling but Mom won't allow it.

[Turboguy]

Many families in the FSU survive by pooling their resources.  Evidently the woman you are interested in helps out each month in that amount and that it would create a hardship for her family if she marries and moves abroad.  Lots of foreign born people living in the USA send money back to help their families survive.  Personally, if this is a deal breaker for you, I would suggest you find another woman.  I do think family ties are stronger in the FSU and other foreign countries than they are here.  Situations can change and down the road that support might not be necessary.  Right now it seems she feels it is.
 
Are you saying if your mother or your kids needed help you would turn them down?  When you marry someone I have always believed her family became your family.   I know that if my wifes family needed help I would not hesitate.  I went through about 6 years where my mother was in assisted living and her income and resources left about 2 grand a month she could not cover.  It was a hardship for me to cover the shortfall but I never hesitated and never doubted that what I was doing was the right thing.  I would feel the same if it was my wife's family. 
 
 
 
 

[civi68]

Good point about the standard of living going down. Although I don't see myself becoming destitute here, the signs of my future standard of living going lower are there. Higher monthly health insurance contributions, pay freezes, my state pension possibly being frozen, having to contribute more for my pension for the same amount, possibly turning my job over to a low paying contract company, or even a lay-off of my job are possible scenarios. Except for the first two, none of these things have happened but all have been discussed each year since 2008. I see these things happening to other people across the country. Plus having to save more for retirement with investment returns forecast to be lower than years ago. It will be interesting to see if FSU woman stay with the man when their is not as much money or job security.

[GoodOlBoy]

I went through about 6 years where my mother was in assisted living and her income and resources left about 2 grand a month she could not cover.  It was a hardship for me to cover the shortfall but I never hesitated and never doubted that what I was doing was the right thing.

There is a BIG difference between supporting an invalid relative in a nursing home and asking a relative stranger (AM) to provide $300. a month for 2 able-bodied grown adults and their child. 
 
The comparison is not even close.
 
 
GOB

[Turboguy]

There is a BIG difference between supporting an invalid relative in a nursing home and asking a relative stranger (AM) to provide $300. a month for 2 able-bodied grown adults and their child. 
 
The comparison is not even close.
GOB

In a way yes and in a way no.  My point was that most likely the gal he is interested in marrying has been contributing to support the household.  Granted she was living in the household.  Take her income away and by marrying our OP they will now be unable to continue to cover their costs.   I will agree that able bodied young people are in a different category than a woman in her 90's with Alzheimer's.  Still she seems to have made it a condition of marriage that her family not suffer as a result of that marriage.  I can understand that and I think many families there are in the same boat.  Even in America lots of grown kids have moved in with their parents or parent.  If that parent was going to marry and move abroad the kids would likely be unable to keep up the mortgage payments.  I think it is a similar situation in the OP's case.  Very possibly in the future better work may come along and the payments might not be necessary.   I think in this case if he feels paying that is out of the question he should be open with her about it and if it is a deal killer then he should move on and she should look for someone who doesn't want her family to suffer. 

[Kineo]

I understand your woman. her daughter and grandchild isn't living under ideal conditions although son in law is working. At least he isn't lazy and trying to make a living. It seems you don't have much emotional attachment to the rest of the family but when marrying a woman, you are basically marrying her family too.
 
You've brought up one issue but what about the rest? Is she a winner? Is she marriage material? Does she care about you and take care of your needs? If so then marry her and forget about $300 a month. That's a bargain for the enormous respect and love you will get in return. If you're not sure you love her, leave her for that reason, not because this seems like a business deal. I actually admire your woman that she exhibits a strong desire to take care of family. Maybe she will take good care of you too.

Though I don't see things the same way as you frequently, this definately not one of those times.    Very well said!
 
 

[civi68]

Thought I would give everyone an update since there was a lot of feedback. Since my last posts, I purchased a ticket and apartment to see her in late February. I bought a few hundreds dollars of Christmas presents for her, her daughter, and granddaughter. Most gifts were at her request.
    For the past month, she has been upset that her mother who is 85 has stomach cancer and needs treatment. Yes, I know what some will say about whether this is true or not. In any case, in addition to her mother, she reports that her daughter's husband left and they are divorcing. I suspected problems with the daughter's husband while I was there. So, most talk is about her and her daughter having little money and needing money for her mother as well.
    While some guys would say you marry her family while others say this is too much trouble, I plan on sticking to my guns and not sending money. Although I believe the above is true about her situation, I can't spend thousands of dollars on someone I spent a few weeks with and is not with me in America. Guys say you marry the family but it is not a good idea to sacrifice your own financial stability to support an entire extended family. So, when I tell her no and if she ends it there, then so be it. A friend of mine made a good point. There is a fine line with FSU women on how much interest there is in needing money vs. interest in you. When the money needs become extensive even if there appears to be sincere interest in you, you have to be careful.
    I also encouraged her to have her daughter join some AM/RW dating sites. Her daughter is young and beautiful so she has choices and doesn't need to have me support her for years.

[Muzh]

    For the past month, she has been upset that her mother who is 85 has stomach cancer and needs treatment. Yes, I know what some will say about whether this is true or not.

At that age, it is more than expected.

[Donna_Pedro]

Has anyone else encountered this situation?

I did not, but a friend of mine did. Like me, she has been  here around 10 years. Initially she did not have skills, but later on she got local education and she earns good money now. She has been sending money home  to her mom and grown up son (and his little child) since day 1, but as she told me on the phone not so long ago "I feel like there is a hand stretching out from across the ocean, constantly begging for money. Give, give, give - that’s all I hear from them. At first it was a fixed amount per month, then a fixed amount and her sending packages  with clothing for the family every few months, now the requests are "we need a car" etc". Help if you can, but beware of growing appetites.

[viking]

I knew going in that my wife's mother was going to need some help. When I was there the last time I could see the beginnings of Parkinson's disease. Her mother has access to health care very inexpensively but still requires some assistance. So we but some small amounts into her account ( she has a card there to retrieve money from an ATM) and some small gifts ( socks, slippers, a coffee pot) every now and then. Her mother asks for nothing. It is my wife who initiates the requests which I am happy to comply, when I have it. Things are a bit tuff here also. But she is a sweet woman and if there was more I could do, I would.

[civi68]

Good point about the growing appetite. That is what I am trying to avoid this early in the relationship. I can understand guys helping out within reason (as in a few hundred dollars a year, not thousands) when guys have their women here, the relationship is established, etc. I feel bad about the mother but the relationship is too new. No visa has been started and the second trip was to further the relationship and possibly discuss a visa.
     Sometimes, I just feel that this woman thought that meeting an American man would solve all of her financial problems, give her a good job, and enable her family to also receive monthly stipends. Too many problems to get a sense of what is true interest and what is just her needing a solution.
   

[Spoon]

It's possible that the mother living with the daughter contributed in other ways that did not equate to monetary contributions, but if she is taken out of the equation, then the married couple may incur costs. The big one I'm thinking of is child care. Many parents help their kids out with free childcare so both parents can work. If that is not available, it means paid child care, or one parent perhaps reducing work hours if the child is of school age. May or may not be the case here.

My wife has an 18 y/o daughter, studying full time. Her mother also works and receives a small pension.
When my wife worked in Moscow, she sent money every month to help them (her daughter lived with her grandmother in Central Russia, while Ani worked in Moscow) I knew this had been the arrangement for years, so had to be prepared to accept this arrangement when Ani came to Australia and planned to support them until she found a job.

Also seems to me that the fathers monetary contribution is conspicuously absent in a lot of these cases.

[Gylden]

Maybe I missed something, but it sounds like you just met this woman in November. If so what I would be a little more concerned about, is the rate of developement of the relationship. Discussing anything about marriage durring a first meeting sounds a little like a one week wonder.

[GoodOlBoy]

..... I plan on sticking to my guns and not sending money.

Good!
 

I can understand guys helping out within reason (as in a few hundred dollars a year, not thousands) when guys have their women here, the relationship is established, etc.

Once you bring this lady to the GoodOl' USA and marry her, you will be expected to pay the bills ($$$) back home. Make no mistake about this!
 
BTW, It is extremely bad form for an FSU woman (who you have just met once) to try and put the squeeze on you for cash.
 
Sorry OP, but this whole story reminds me of a line in a book I just finished reading (Guardian of Lies):
 
"The woman always had both hands in the guy's pockets, frogmarching him down the street like a human debit card toward the nearest ATM.".... Steve Martini
 
GOB

[GoodOlBoy]

...... he should move on and she should look for someone who doesn't want her family to suffer.

Oh please!
Give me a break. 
 
GOB

[GQBlues]

Yup! Now is the perfect time to speak with her about pre-nups.   
 
As most everyone here will have you believe, "this is not about business, it's all about love"   
 
Don't be surprised about any of this. In the world of the MOB, this is far more normal than otherwise. It doesn't matter what country she's from either. It's always the economy.
 
It doesn't matter whether they are more educated, more feminine, more mature for their ages, more cultured, more yada-yada-yada.... The fact of the matter is, YOU have MORE money.
 
Men loved the silly hyped idea about these women being family-oriented, yeah, as long as her family didn't come along with the deal. LOL.
 
If you don't want your money to be focal in your relation with any woman...then stay home and date women with as much money as you and you won't have these types of things to worry about.

[ghost of moon goddess]

Yup! Now is the perfect time to speak with her about pre-nups.   
 
As most everyone here will have you believe, "this is not about business, it's all about love"   
 
Don't be surprised about any of this. In the world of the MOB, this is far more normal than otherwise. It doesn't matter what country she's from either. It's always the economy.
 
It doesn't matter whether they are more educated, more feminine, more mature for their ages, more cultured, more yada-yada-yada.... The fact of the matter is, YOU have MORE money.
 
Men loved the silly hyped idea about these women being family-oriented, yeah, as long as her family didn't come along with the deal. LOL.
 
If you don't want your money to be focal in your relation with any woman...then stay home and date women with as much money as you and you won't have these types of things to worry about.

love it! 

[Misha]

... some guys would say you marry her family ...

That is why you have to get to know the family. If they are hardworking folk who would never dream of asking for money, then marrying into the family will be a good thing. If not, I would be extremely wary 

[Ranetka]

Yup! Now is the perfect time to speak with her about pre-nups.   
 
As most everyone here will have you believe, "this is not about business, it's all about love"   
 
Don't be surprised about any of this. In the world of the MOB, this is far more normal than otherwise. It doesn't matter what country she's from either. It's always the economy.
 
It doesn't matter whether they are more educated, more feminine, more mature for their ages, more cultured, more yada-yada-yada.... The fact of the matter is, YOU have MORE money.
 
Men loved the silly hyped idea about these women being family-oriented, yeah, as long as her family didn't come along with the deal. LOL.
 
If you don't want your money to be focal in your relation with any woman...then stay home and date women with as much money as you and you won't have these types of things to worry about.

 
spot on

[Donna_Pedro]

I think the problem is that even after a face-to-face meeting with his woman civi68 still does not think there is a REAL relationship between them. He says "but I only met her once, how can a send her the money?" which translates into "how can I send money to a stranger?" She, to the other hand, seems to think that the relationship has been established, she thinks that they are a couple and in a couple a man is supposed to help a woman financially. So this is a question for civi68 - are you  a couple? If yes, cough up.  Because this is a mentality of Russian women of my generation - a man takes financial responsibility for his woman when they become a couple (start dating), and it is expected of him to help her family. Of course, there is a problem of growing appetites. And a man is supposed to find a fine line between feeding  growing demands of his wife's extended family and helping as much as he feels reasonable.