Challenges in her transitioning to life in the US

[dneid]

Hey, Guys,
Well, I am back.  It has been an interesting couple of years with the economy and all.  But, I am back to work and starting the process over again.
But, I am curious to ask all you guys who have been successful in this endeavor a few questions about the challenges of your wife's transition to life in the US.  So, here goes.
1st 6 months:
* can you all share what the top 3 challenges were in her making the initial transition?
* how did you confront and overcome these challenges?
* what were her thoughts during these 1st 6 months?


Next year:
* what were the new challenges that you all faced during this period?
* how did you overcome these new challenges?
* biggest surprise for you both during this period?


1.5yrs to 5 yrs:
Same questions as the above questions...


That is it for now.  I am sure I will have follow up questions for you all.


Great to be back and to see most of the old crowd here.  I look forward to "chatting" with you all once again.


Later,
Dale

[Vaughn]

1st 6 months:
* can you all share what the top 3 challenges were in her making the initial transition?
* how did you confront and overcome these challenges?
* what were her thoughts during these 1st 6 months?

A very timely post, Dale....  my wife arrived at JFK with me on Thanksgiving weekend nine years ago, and arrived at our home in NC tonight, the Sunday after the holiday.
1) Language. She knew a few words of English, but basically could not speak, read, nor write. Within a week or two, she was enrolled in evening ESL classes at the community college and made enormous headway in expressing herself.
2) Faith in my ability to accomodate her transition. We hit an unusual and major snag with SSA - although they knew K-1s were eligible for a SS card, they would not issue one to Elvira, citing that she had not yet been cleared by immigration. We visited that office many times in an effort to convince them otherwise, to no avail. Finally, as the 90 day deadline approached, we realized she would have to wait until the Green Card was issued before she could secure a SS card. This situation caused her to begin to wonder if I really knew what I was doing regarding immigration steps, to include AOS, Advance Parole, etc. It didn't help my case that other RW/UW in the area validated her feelings with statements like, "Well, George and I had no trouble with SSA - what did your husband do wrong?" It was frustrating to say the least. Looking back to those times, it could be said that I had to exercise an extreme amount of patience - and made certain that my better half was totally immersed in each and every process, right alongside me, so as to restore that lost faith.
3) Financial. Ten years ago I sorely underestimated the real cost of tackling such an endeavor. Suffice it to say that we cut corners wherever possible on expenses, and to be honest, she herself was most instrumental in enabling this necessity - being experienced with stretching rubles as a single parent. I myself was a single parent with two daughters - and suddenly I was charged with providing for five souls. The matter of money is to be taken seriously for anyone bringing a lady here, especially one with a child (or two). I've witnessed such troubles sinking many a marriage. Fortunately we were able to wade through and eventually achieve a level of comfort that suits us.
Her thoughts, hmmm....  well, as I've mentioned before it took Elvira a few days to actually unpack her baggage. She was not pleasantly surprised at the interior huosework she felt needed to be done. Coupled with that was a nasty ice storm that hit three days later in December of 2002, leaving us without power for several days. Neighbors who were more fortunate pitched in homecooked meals, offers for us to stay with them, etc. The thought of returning immediately, before any marriage could lock her in to such a life of bedlam - well, let's just say I was grateful to my daughters that they unwaveringly encouraged her to give the USA a chance.

[tfcrew]

You've been around for awhile.
Where in  Texas?
My wife's first main challenge was just probably moving in w/me
We'll see what some of the others can add.

[Vaughn]

Next year:
* what were the new challenges that you all faced during this period?
* how did you overcome these new challenges?
* biggest surprise for you both during this period?

The 6-month to 18 month period was one where we made great strides toward transitioning Elvira into a new lifestyle, although it, too, was marked by the need for patience and proactivity. I had promised both my new wife and stepdaughter a trip home for the New Year bringing in 2004, roughly a year after arrival. Back then INS, later to become BCIS, moved our process very slowly. We had applied for Advance Parole many months before, and had heard nothing. Less than 6 weeks before she intended to visit home again, we showed up at Immigration's doorstep as I made our case for immediate issuance of AP; much to my surprise, we walked away with the documents necessary for them to go home and return here legally.
 
She had never driven an automobile before. Few, if any, ladies drove cars in Yoshkar Ola. A policeman friend of mine whose wife hails from that same city informed me that it was OK for Elvira, even without a Learner's Permit, to practice driving in public school parking lots on weekends so long as the school grounds had no events scheduled. And that's what we did - elementary schools, middle schools, & high schools, many of them - just to mix up the surroundings. Her first solo flight was at the local grade school down the street, a large oval pattern in a wide open lot.
I had no experience teaching anyone to drive, but we managed to navigate many miles without taking out any mailboxes or parked vehicles. She's a defensive and very capable driver. To this day, she's never had a ticket nor even scratched a vehicle.
 
When the GC finally arrived (spring of 2004 !) everything broke loose for Elvira. Social Security card, then the actual Learner's Permit, and a job that had been waiting for her at a regional bank -   she carpooled with other Russian women she had met through the months. Soon, she had passed her road test and was driving a Ford Taurus (automatic transmission of course), and began to take on new challenges - like understanding the American tax system, IRAs, 401Ks, cafeteria plans, managing credit, and so forth. 

[calmissile]

dnied, I am so glad you asked these questions.
Vaughn, I still have to look forward to the integration into our culture experience so you postings are very informative.  I hope some others add their experences as well.

Vaughn, you indicated that she made great strides in English when she enrolled in the ESL classes.  Can you give us some kind of parameters as to how long it took before she could for example communicate with the clerk in a store, order from a menu, etc.?

[Vaughn]

Vaughn, you indicated that she made great strides in English when she enrolled in the ESL classes.  Can you give us some kind of parameters as to how long it took before she could for example communicate with the clerk in a store, order from a menu, etc.?

A matter of weeks. The grammar may have needed some polish, yet a grocery clerk will understand (most of the time) when a foreigner asks, "Where the garlic?" More often than not, what I've noticed is that it won't be a lady's limited vocabulary that will hold her back, but rather, what drives success is her level of confidence in speaking.

[Kineo]

 
I am watching this thread like a hawk!
 
Thanks for starting it dneid! And thanks Vaughn for posting Elvira and your story!
 
-K
 

[Kineo]

 
I find it hard to beleive this topic has not taken off! I know that there a members here with many good stories.

[GQBlues]

 
I find it hard to beleive this topic has not taken off! I know that there a members here with many good stories.

I do, too! While many things can actually affect every individual's respective cases, there will be few, significant constant that ought to be useful for folks yet to embark in this stage...I wanted to coin in my part but things are just nuts for me at this time, but when I can, will do...

[Misha]

Vaughn, you indicated that she made great strides in English when she enrolled in the ESL classes.  Can you give us some kind of parameters as to how long it took before she could for example communicate with the clerk in a store, order from a menu, etc.?

I have to think. My wife arrived knowing zero English (other than the word okay). She got her first job two years later working with children. She couldn't really hold a conversation, but by the end of the year she was capable of holding her own. Now, five years, she is pretty much capable of everything, though the final stage is to work on her writing...

[CanadaMan]

... My wife arrived knowing zero English (other than the word okay).

 I think your situation, at least for the dating part would have been quite different from Vaughn's. Please correct me folks if I am wrong.

I believe you speak Russian Misha right? That would certainly make the dating stage quite easy in the communication department.

Vaughn did you speak any Russian when you were dating Elvira? Did you have any language in common with her?

[ML]

Gal living  with me has been here about 4 and half months now.
She had 6-7 English (out of 10) when she arrived.
Enrolled full time in intensive English program at University with heavy courseload of 7 courses (21 semester hours).

She has never really had any problems with anything here, except learning more English.

She bought a new car and started driving it with me beside her after about a week of me driving it.  She went and came from university  like this for about 2 weeks.  Then started driving all by herself.

One reason she has had little trouble is that I am able to be with her whenever she needs it as I am independent consultant with very flexible schedule.  So we are together for all grocery shopping, clothes shopping, enrolling at university, etc.

But just this week, she made her first solo grocery shopping trip.
She has her own bank account and a bank debit card.  This was the first time she had used it and all was OK.  She was quite pleased with herself.

For about a month or so, I was telling the waiters what she wanted when we visited restaurants.  But I stopped doing that.  Sometimes she has a little trouble knowing what the waiters are asking her when there are choices, etc., and I let the two of them struggle a bit before I help out.  If I help too quickly, she will have an easy crutch and learn more slowly.

Although she is in early 40s, she fits right in with the mostly  20 something students in her classes.  She had worried more about this than anything, but it has proven to be a zero problem.

There is only one other FSU person in her classes, so they talk some at lunch breaks and after classes.  It is forbidden to speak anything other than English during classes or even in the building, which is a good thing.  But this little bit of talking to someone in Russian gives her a bit of relief.

She has Skype and talks with family and friends, but not very often.  She shows no 'homesick' signs at all and professes to be the happiest she has ever been in her life.  Her mother tells her she doesn't believe she isn't homesick.  But just last week Gal heard from a friend of hers that the mothers had talked and mother told the other mother that Gal was very happy in USA.  So case of mother telling others a different story than she tells daughter.

All in all, there were/are virtually zero problems in her adapting to a life here in USA.  When I try to analyze it; it seems to me that the USA is probably one of the easiest countries in the world to adapt to.  Because of the supermarkets with even self checkout, self service gas stations, etc., a person can survive here with virtually no English.

Of course one major difference is my Gal does not have to earn any money as she has a small fortune from life insurance payout from her deceased husband who worked in Ukraine for a Belgium firm.  For those who must quickly find work to support themselves, my comments on being able to survive with no English would not apply.

[calmissile]

Great post GL,
Sort of puts things into perspective for those of us that havn't quite reached that stage yet.  It will be about 3 months before my fiance and daughter will arrive.  It's really valuable to hear the experiences of others that made the transition.

[Misha]

I think your situation, at least for the dating part would have been quite different from Vaughn's.

The thread is about "Challenges in her transitioning to life in the US" and is in the Married section. What does dating have to do with anything? I simply answered a question about the time it took my wife to learn English. I am not Russia, but I do speak the language.

[Steamer]

For about a month or so, I was telling the waiters what she wanted when we visited restaurants.  But I stopped doing that.  Sometimes she has a little trouble knowing what the waiters are asking her when there are choices, etc., and I let the two of them struggle a bit before I help out.  If I help too quickly, she will have an easy crutch and learn more slowly.

Ordering coffee seems to be a major issue with Honeybunch. She says "coffee" just fine but it is just off enough so EVERY waitress says S'cuse me? This just bugs out honeybunch to no end.
 
In the beginning it was a million "little" things. She knew basic English and was very adventurish. Her 2nd day here she went with stepson to the local Krogers. She bought some small things and the clerk asked her if she would like "paper or plastic". "What are you talking about?" "Paper or plastic?" Now starts the eye rolling, c'mon lady hurry up! Of course, the pimple faced kid would not tell her what the hell he was talking about. They stuffed her things into a plastic bag and shoved her out the door.
 
Her next stop was an Ice Cream place and she tried to order a strawberry ice cream and a vanilla ice cream with strawberries. This turned into a linguistic nightmare that I will not recreate. When Steamer comes home his beautiful honey is sitting in the corner crying her eyes out wondering what kind of crazy country she moved to.
 
1st month- Honeybunch notices my mortgage statement. Notices that I owe 60k. Huge tears. Why, how? I explain that the house costs 160k and that through paying extra every month I only owe 60k. Steamer is very proud of his explanation. "You owe 60k and you are saying it's a good thing. You are either a liar or a crazy person"
 
OKay, it sounds funny now but this stuff is dead serious when it's happening.

[CanadaMan]

The thread is about "Challenges in her transitioning to life in the US" and is in the Married section. What does dating have to do with anything? I simply answered a question about the time it took my wife to learn English. I am not Russia, but I do speak the language.

Sorry for the confusion Misha.
I just opened the thread from the current topics list and so didn't see what section it was in (Married etc.).

I also realized that the thread is about transitioning to life in the U.S. and not about dating.

But here's what I was thinking.
I seemed to remember you spoke Russian. Your gal certainly speaks Russian.
So when she arrived, even though she still had to cope with day-to-day situations
with English people in Canada, at least the two of you could converse in Russian and have fluent conversations.

If Vaughn doesn't/didn't speak Russian when Elvira arrived, then in addition to her struggles with adapting/transitioning to the English-speaking public in the U.S., she would also have had to struggle with communicating with Vaughn.
That would have caused some additional stress, I'm assuming.

That's what my post was about. So on topic, but from a different angle. 
(The dating part plus the initial 6+ months after marriage etc. communicating)

[Vaughn]

CanadaMan wrote:

If Vaughn doesn't/didn't speak Russian when Elvira arrived, then in addition to her struggles with adapting/transitioning to the English-speaking public in the U.S., she would also have had to struggle with communicating with Vaughn.
That would have caused some additional stress, I'm assuming.

Ah but, CanadaMan, I do speak Russian, thanks to the USAF during the Cold War. Not fluently, but I'm more than capable of getting myself into deep trouble with strangers who assume fluency. Elvira and I first met in Moscow (face meeting) and spent the better part of 36 hours conversing about our pasts, our ideals, joys, sorrows and so forth. The marathon session was mutually welcomed as we approached this first meeting with great reserve.
 

For about a month or so, I was telling the waiters what she wanted when we visited restaurants.  But I stopped doing that.  Sometimes she has a little trouble knowing what the waiters are asking her when there are choices, etc., and I let the two of them struggle a bit before I help out.  If I help too quickly, she will have an easy crutch and learn more slowly.

Same here, although I coddled my wife with help for a far longer period of time. She still prefers that I set her appointments (dentist/doctor, etc) because she still after all these years lacks confidence on the telephone in a business-like situation.
 
So I give in - and accomodate her. I put myself in her shoes whenever possible, and try to consider what's best for her. I've registered my own visa in Russia, but it's far more expedient for me to follow her lead when the bureaucrats start "giving me the business".... I am able to sense sarcasm and of course, downright unfriendliness, but there are nuances that get past me - and I'm more than happy (and not too proud) to let her assist me - SO - I have to consider her own zones of discomfort here.
 
I no longer help her with menus nor ordering fare, that need has gone away totally. Immersing herself in the English-speaking workforce was the key to confidence and the fast track to meaningful comprehension and speaking.


 

[GQBlues]

I agree with everyone here. Language was definitely the biggest hurdle. As a matter of fact, language proficiency will almost certainly ease all other facet of acclimation/adjustment.
 
Those community ESL classes are really good, but IMO (or maybe because of where we live -SoCal), if you can instead enroll her in your community college to take these language classes instead, do so. Colleges offer special classes specifically for foreigners and their methods of teaching the appropriate courses are far superior. I think non-residency fees (2 years of residency is required) is only $35-50 dollars/unit so it isn't that much. Her progression will be so much better. Monies will be well spent. 
 
In SoCal, most if not all of the ESL classes are designed to serve our area's illegal immigrants, which generally are So. Americans. The stark difference is the prior education level of the attendees so their respective sense of comprehension will be dramatically obvious.
 
The second biggest immediate difficulty my wife experienced, while relatively fleeting, is food. While this may not be as pronounced to other folks, my wife struggled with all the explosion of 'new, bolder' tastes in her pallette. DO NOT rush this part. Let her come to terms on her own accord with the food she'll be eating. My recomendation: familiarize yourself with your neighborhood's Russian restaurant/groceries/markets. You'll be glad you did. If all else fails, take her to a sushi reastaurant 
 
Third biggest for us is geography. Once she settles a bit and start yearning for her mobility, she needs to be aware what the available mode of transportation is available, the 'how and the means' to get there. You can drive her around, walk with her, etc...but with my wife, there's that sense of adventure and feeling satisfied with herself and shun the feeling of helplessness, when she started exploring things for herself, getting to/from, etc...planning for her next day's schedule offerred her something to look forward to and a great way to give her the sense of 'being a part' of her community. Served as the anti-thesis from the feeling of 'isolation', which is the biggest cause of feeling 'alienated', and on a straight narrow highway to 'being homesick'.
 
In the beginning, pre-driver's license/car days, I spent the day with her just riding our metro-bus systems, to and from, to many places of insterest. I got different bus routing booklets and wrote things in there while explaining it to her at the same time..i.e. *3rd Street Promenade* I highlighted the route number, the stop, the transfer, the drop-off with the same color, etc....it worked like a charm. Of course, this means you would have to had gotten her her own cell phone...just in case.
 
It's her world now, too, so let her explore and enjoy it.
 
That's been my experience with her the first 6 months - 1 year.

[Gator]

Those community ESL classes are really good, but IMO (or maybe because of where we live -SoCal), if you can instead enroll her in your community college to take these language classes instead, do so. Colleges offer special classes specifically for foreigners and their methods of teaching the appropriate courses are far superior.

Even better some universities have intensive programs to facilitate the mainstreaming of foreign students (a growing business).  This is the program at one of the largest universities in the US (47,000 students): 
 
http://www.eli.usf.edu/index.php?page=programs-and-dates
 
Also encourage her to try to watch English TV and socialize with Americans (or Norwegians if residing in Norway).  Have her answer the phone and speak to strangers.  If a RW has a shy personality it is easy for her to surround herself with Russian media (internet, music) and skype back home.

[Tristan]

Key for my wife was getting her busy.  She spoke English well and had a high-level position abroad, but she could not recreate that position here since it was something that was only done in one part of the world. 
 
Not having anything important to so when she got here caused her angst.  So we started a business, which she now basically runs, and that has made all the difference.
 
Of course there are some complaints.  It seems that having to deal with customers, some of whom are nasty, and employees, some of whom are lazy and irresponsible and petty thieves, and to clean the toilets when the employees forget is a lower level position than when she was supervising multi-million dollar oil and gas development deals in Central Asia and jetting back and forth to Dubai (and staying in 5 star hotels there), but overall she is happy for the tradeoff she made by owning a small business on main street and having a husband that loves her. 

[Kuna]

While I can't reflect on adjusting to life in America I'll share a little of my wife's experiences settling into Australia.

The first 6 months flies... according to my wife.  In fact, after a few years she said the first year was just a rush of new information for her and new experiences.

btw...  My wife has been in Oz now for a little over 4 years.

She spoke good English on arrival but not perfect.  She took those community classes but was too advanced for them so she used them initially just as a reason to get out of the house and meet new people.

She'd lived in Germany for a few years before coming to Oz but she still found Australia very different.  First she was a little bemused at how friendly everyone was...  next biggest change was the weather.

Food was (is) a constantly challenge until she found bread she liked, etc.  We visit the local Russian shop as much as we can (it's a long drive) so she can buy familiar sweets, etc.

While she wasn't from a HUGE city in Ukraine the structure of our city was different for her (Urban sprawl rather than Soviet style cities).  Lack of people walking and the need to have a car became evident quickly.  She still feels it's quiet here even though there's 500,000 more people in my city than her city.  Once she got her license/car and was mobile it was MUCH easier (even though we were living literally in the centre of our city for the first year - and a bit).

I guess the biggest impact on her life was falling pregnant 3 or 4 months after arriving and having our first child a little over twelve months from arrival.  She says this kept her busy but not as busy as she has been for the past 2 years since our second child came along. 

She's at a point not where she is craving serious study so will return to fulltime study next year to prepare for "university in 2013".  She's amazing in how dedicated she is to everything in her life so I have no doubt she'll succeed in her study and chosen career after that.

Biggest challenges (in no particular order):

- Communication - You'll need to patience of a Saint

- Boredom - Don't let your lady get bored...  it'll be worse for you that it is for her

- Time - Be prepared to be interrupted at the most inconvenient times and be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again - if she wants.  Some times it's just about giving reassurance and being available, but not pushing her to do things she doesn't want to do

- Freedom - Let her be free to do what she wants/needs to do.  This will help her build her confidence (and take some of the strain off you)

- Money - It's expensive... don't let anyone tell you any different.  If you haven't got your finances sorted out I think most would struggle

- Ability to laugh - I don't need to say anything to make my wife laugh... I have "a look" I give her.  She knows when she is taking something "too far" and "the look" is a great circuit breaker.  Again,  you need to be patient but at the same time you need to get her standing on her own two feet

- Just letting things "be different" - There are some things you won't be able to explain... Maybe something things she'll never understand... but that's OK.  She's your wife, not your shadow.  My wife is still confused as to why I do charity work.  She can't understand why I don't just fire staff immediately if I have a problem with them.  Since I've become (very) politically active again she can't understand why I don't enter politics myself (I'd never do it) and when she discovered politicians here don't "get rich" like they do in Ukraine she can't understand why anyone would enter politics.  The education system is still a bit of a mystery to her but she'll find her own way in time... I've tried to explain.  You can't teach her everything but you do have to be supportive when she's seeking new understandings.

Final thought regarding meeting other Russians...

She's met some good and some bad... probably more bad than good to be honest.  She prefers a small social circle and is very cautious when she meets new people (ESPECIALLY Russians).  She's told me some horrible stories about the things that some RW have said and generally she likes to stay clear of them.

Oh, another final thought...

Your wife will bring "some things" into your home... just accept them.  I don't find most of them unusual because of my own family background but I can imagine others could find it difficult (and have met some AM who have had trouble with it).  This can include basic things like:

+ House Clothes/Outside Clothes - and never mix the two of them up!  ;-)
+ Shoes at the Front Door (My wife nearly dies if we have visitors that don't take their shoes off);
+ Pedantic (frugal) when buying things (to the point of frustration at times);
+ Superstitions (NEVER be happy and whistle in the house - OR CAR - and be prepared for Old Wives Tales to enter your house (though she is better now than she used to be).
+ Being stubborn - maybe it's just my wife but when she forms an opinion about someone/something it's unlikely to ever change... but if it does just act as naturally as possible.   

This is a real cultural experience for both sides...  be prepared for the unexpected!

Kuna

[dneid]

Hey, All,
I wanted to thank all that have replied so far.  The thread was a little slow to get going, but it seems to gaining some traction now.  Please, please, keep the posts coming.  This is all GREAT stuff for anyone even considering this kind of thing.
Once again, thanks to everyone!
Later,
Dale

[Bruce]

* can you all share what the top 3 challenges were in her making the initial transition?
* how did you confront and overcome these challenges?
* what were her thoughts during these 1st 6 months?


My wife was a translator who knew English better than most Americans so we did not have the basic communication and misunderstandings people above enumerated.   My wife pretty much was like going to another State and finding a girl who had never been to a big city.  No language or understanding problems, only her shock of flight and comming to metro-NYC.
 
So top three problems:
 
1.  Cultural differences, especially people she met on her own attempting to treat her like a second class citizen because she is an immigrant; homesickness - unlimited calling access to her parents and friends helped a lot.   I think she often felt like I have a great husband but this place is not as good as I thought it was.   I suppose she felt it was a long way from home and it was.   She must have sometimes felt I wish I was in Russia - but we are better off in the USA.   We travelled back to Russia every summer for the first three after marriage years also.
 
2.   Immigration - extremely frustrating all the way until citizenship.   Losing paperwork, sent to California for no reason, three year background check.   Easy for us to feel - why us.   Talking and explaining we would get through it.   Yearly trips to Hawaii.
 
3.   Children, dealing with parents far away who are aging.   Parents visit every year but still not the same because of difference.   Still get her unlimited calling.  Normal USA things amongst couples, absolutely zero difference.   Over time you end up with a younger, prettier wife with a really cute accent.   People always say to my wife - where are you from somewhere from Scandinavia........  How did you two meet anyway.......
 
My advice, find a girl who has both parents who at least knows some to more than some English and you will be a long ways towards having a great chance for success.

[groovlstk]

Welcome back and glad to hear things are going well for you, Dale. I look forward to reading about your continuing adventures.

1st 6 months:
* can you all share what the top 3 challenges were in her making the initial transition?
* how did you confront and overcome these challenges?
* what were her thoughts during these 1st 6 months?

For my wife (and for us, of course), the hardest parts of adjustment were culture shock, the language barrier, and suddenly being 100% dependent on another after years of self-sufficiency. We overcame these challenges with patience. It wasn't always easy and there are new challenges all the time, but during this period my wife called and skyped home a lot and we expanded our social circle to include Russian and Ukrainian couples, it was enough to keep the edge off her homesickness.

Next year:
* what were the new challenges that you all faced during this period?
* how did you overcome these new challenges?
* biggest surprise for you both during this period?

When she arrived, my wife's English was about a 3.5 on a scale of 5. People talked too fast and she couldn't pick up on nuance like sarcasm, etc. After a year or so in the US she felt much more comfortable so her world began expanding and most of her challenges had to do with her job and co-workers, neighbors, her new extended family. I'm sure others have experienced this, but sometimes no matter how much you want to protect someone and guide them towards the right path, they have to simply fock up and learn by example. Support and understanding is all you can offer.

Never underestimate language. Most often when it's discussed in the context of international marriage, it's all about how well two people can communicate during courtship to build a foundation for a relationship, etc. etc. But there are many other odd aspects -- we have a friend, a RW, who has fairly decent English and has been looking for work. Unfortunately, every time a recruiter phones her and she gets flustered, she simply hangs up. She agonizingly told my wife about a job she'd applied for, and when they phoned her to set up an interview she got nervous and midway through the conversation she hung up on the guy. He called back again and again, and she kept hanging up on him. (Meanwhile, as I'm listening to this, I'm cracking up imagining the poor recruiter wondering what the heck was going on.)  Anyway, this may be an extreme example, but confidence is a big factor in how comfortable a person feels in a new situation.

At the end of the day, I think if two people genuinely enjoy each others company and there's some substance to the relationship, all this stuff is not too difficult to overcome.

[ML]

But there are many other odd aspects -- we have a friend, a RW, who has fairly decent English and has been looking for work. Unfortunately, every time a recruiter phones her and she gets flustered, she simply hangs up. She agonizingly told my wife about a job she'd applied for, and when they phoned her to set up an interview she got nervous and midway through the conversation she hung up on the guy. He called back again and again, and she kept hanging up on him.

This 'hanging up' is one of the most frustrating aspects of the FSU people.

Don't know how they quite factor it into their rudeness equation, but I have never experienced it in other cultures.

It happens regardless of the English level of the speaker.

For instance, in several situations, I have called and asked to speak to an individual.  The person who answers speaks good English.  But, if the person I ask for is not there . . . the person who answers simply hangs up.

The same result happens with business calls also.