Divorced RW experience of dating in the US.

[LAman]

Well, here is an update.
I haven't dated much since the last time I posted something here, in this thread. I've had  several "first dates" though.

All I can say is that the process of dating AM in the US is pretty difficult and dangerous for some reason.
I didn't date that much in Russia and most men I met there I met through mutual friends.

It's different here and I meet a lot of men who don't understand the word "no" for some reason and don't want to leave you alone.

So for the girls that try dating here I'd highly recommend meeting in the place with a lot of people around and not to give the men your real phone number, maybe a google voice one which I created yeterday.

Another observation. If you are more like a quiet and traditional type and have never been into extremes I'd not recommend trying now, so I'd look for somethingand someone more or less close to what you got used to in the  cultural background terms.

Vasilisa...it is unfortunate you are mainly using dating sites for finding a man. A great many of the men on these sites have personal issues (quirk) of some type which leads them there because ladies who know them have/would stay clear from them!!! I am sure you understand this!!
I know for me....any kind of accent perks up my ears......I am sure for you this happens with guys....
I do agree about being carefull when meeting any man for first time. I know here many times a girl and me will meet somewhere.....where there is many people....and never give your phone number, ask for guys phone number if there is further interest in him. I know it takes time to establish friendships and activities to be able to meet people and hope you can find the right person for you. Good luck!!!

[Slumba]

Another observation. If you are more like a quiet and traditional type and have never been into extremes I'd not recommend trying now, so I'd look for somethingand someone more or less close to what you got used to in the  cultural background terms.

Could you explain this a little more, Vasilisa?  Such as, exactly which character traits or life experiences you have observed, that indicate to you that the man should not try to date a RW.

[Vasilisa]

Could you explain this a little more, Vasilisa?  Such as, exactly which character traits or life experiences you have observed, that indicate to you that the man should not try to date a RW.

It's not that much about the character traits, it's about the cultural and religious background.

In other words: look for the one that looks like your reflection, not something that you are dreaming about
In other words, if the man is old, spoilt, likes smoking, drinking, etc the woman he is looking for should be old, spoilt, like smoking, drinking, etc, not the one that is young, slim, beautiful, has a healthy lifestyle, etc.
That's not something new but it works and it's surprising to see how many people actually looking not for what they are, but the dream they are not ready to accept but only to laugh at and teach  her"the right way" later.

[Daveman]

Vasilisa...it is unfortunate you are mainly using dating sites for finding a man. A great many of the men on these sites have personal issues (quirk) of some type which leads them there because ladies who know them have/would stay clear from them!!! I am sure you understand this!!
...

Works in both directions...


I had never run across such a high concentration of wack job women until I tried the online dating scene.  This absolutely includes the international sites as well as the local..     Very easy to understand why a good many are single...


Then that little voice would haunt me ... "you know, Oh Honorable Gift To The Female Universe, you are single too... and by your own logic... "  BANG


So I shot the voice...  but it did make some sense before its demise.  So I faced down the obvious and never looked back.  I'm weird and my wife is wacky. I can live with that.. 

[BillyB]

It's different here and I meet a lot of men who don't understand the word "no" for some reason and don't want to leave you alone.

In other words you're saying they want sex and will stalk you till they get it.
 
Since you're living in America, are you  dating American men, Russian men or both?
 
Your story about the lack of quality men is not new. Women I've dated and others here say the same. If a guy was in the top 10% of men, he would have plenty of women to choose from because his competition is lacking.
 
 There are many good men out there. The only problem is most of them are married and probably will stay married. Most of the men you will be encountering are men not many women would want. No matter how bad it is or how hard it is to find what you're looking for, don't be discouraged and give up.

[ML]

 There are many good men out there. The only problem is most of them are married and probably will stay married.

True for both men and women.

Go to a large party or gathering of any sort.

Look around, talk around and select the 10 most desirable women (men) . . . they (most) will be happily married.

Morale of story . . . try to break up happy marriages !!

[Gator]

I have observed closely the contacts a 24-yo RW residing in America has made through Internet dating agencies.   The men who passed her screens have been a motley group, none being good.  I can not imagine the caliber of the men who did not pass her screens.
 
A few years ago I dated a couple of AW through a one-month trial subscription with Match.com  The  women had so many complaints about the men they met ("more tattoos than teeth," "wearing more gold than she owns," "boring," "no money, looking for a female provider," "seemingly unbalanced psychologically," etc.).
 
The best advice I got about dating came many years ago when my long marriage was failing.  I had not dated another woman in over 20 years and I asked a couple a bachelors what should I do about reenterting the dating scene.  They both advised me "just show up and act normal."  Just show up means to place oneself where one could bump into women:  large social functions, art shows, summer concerts in the park,  esoteric shopping, coffee houses, etc. and just say "Hi."  You will strike out a lot, but some women will be interested.

[Lily]

The best advice I got about dating came many years ago when my long marriage was failing.  I had not dated another woman in over 20 years and I asked a couple a bachelors what should I do about reenterting the dating scene.  They both advised me "just show up and act normal."  Just show up means to place oneself where one could bump into women:  large social functions, art shows, summer concerts in the park,  esoteric shopping, coffee houses, etc. and just say "Hi."  You will strike out a lot, but some women will be interested.

So just to say a ''hi'', nothing else?
Is it considered normal?

[Vasilisa]

In other words you're saying they want sex and will stalk you till they get it.
 
Since you're living in America, are you  dating American men, Russian men or both?
 

No, it has nothing to do with sex, actually, what you are talking is more about raping. I've had one who was trying to kiss me by force, but what I meant by "no" is that I am saying in a polite way that I am not interested in further dating after 1-2 dates and they want to see me again or be friends, etc, the last story was when the man wanted to see me but I refused, then we had very sentimental text messaging breaking up, then he waited for a week and then started sending late night text messages that he wanted to be friends, after I said that I didn't think it was possible  and wished him good luck and good night he started insulting me and saying that he knew why I was divorced, blah-blah-blah, it stopped really fast as soon as I told him that was enough and I would call the police though.  Now I am curious where he may put my photos.
Once again: DON'T GIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO THE MEN YOU DON'T KNOW WELL, even if they look good and even if the first date was wonderful.

I haven't dated Russian men though, I am very  interested in 2 but unfortunately one of them lives in a different American city, a long way from me and another one lives in Russia

[Vasilisa]

I have observed closely the contacts a 24-yo RW residing in America has made through Internet dating agencies.   The men who passed her screens have been a motley group, none being good.  I can not imagine the caliber of the men who did not pass her screens.
 
A few years ago I dated a couple of AW through a one-month trial subscription with Match.com  The  women had so many complaints about the men they met ("more tattoos than teeth," "wearing more gold than she owns," "boring," "no money, looking for a female provider," "seemingly unbalanced psychologically," etc.).
 
The best advice I got about dating came many years ago when my long marriage was failing.  I had not dated another woman in over 20 years and I asked a couple a bachelors what should I do about reenterting the dating scene.  They both advised me "just show up and act normal."  Just show up means to place oneself where one could bump into women:  large social functions, art shows, summer concerts in the park,  esoteric shopping, coffee houses, etc. and just say "Hi."  You will strike out a lot, but some women will be interested.

By the way, I went jogging this morning and another jogger (a man) stopped and asked me about the direction he was running in. He looked like he knew where he was running though.But he didn't look normal to me, he had a very red face and very red eyes and all sweaty and exhausted and it looked like he was about to have a stroke. Otherwise I'd have supported the conversation in a better way

[Vasilisa]

I have observed closely the contacts a 24-yo RW residing in America has made through Internet dating agencies.   The men who passed her screens have been a motley group, none being good.  I can not imagine the caliber of the men who did not pass her screens.
 

Couldyou give the examples of the pictures, please, what kind of the men according to you are good and what kind are bad?

[BillyB]

So just to say a ''hi'', nothing else?
Is it considered normal?

My older son has a lot of girls phone numbers. After he told me he got a girls phone number in the shopping mall, I ask him what's his secret to getting those phone numbers. He told me he says "Hi, can I get your phone number?" I told him when he gets older, that's not going to work and he will need new material.
 
If a guy was at an art show, he should greet a lady, introduce himself and ask for the lady's name and proceed to talk about something at the art show. She may be interested to talk based on the topic or she may be interested in the guy or both.

[Lily]

My older son has a lot of girls phone numbers. After he told me he got a girls phone number in the shopping mall, I ask him what's his secret to getting those phone numbers. He told me he says "Hi, can I get your phone number?" I told him when he gets older, that's not going to work and he will need new material.
 
If a guy was at an art show, he should greet a lady, introduce himself and ask for the lady's name and proceed to talk about something at the art show. She may be interested to talk based on the topic or she may be interested in the guy or both.

This is about guys, while I meant a woman who tries to get to know a stranger without an obvious reason or purpose.
In my view, it is logical to react on a sudden ''hi'' with something that encourages the stranger to state her purpose. Like, ''Hi, what can I do for you"...

[Gator]

So just to say a ''hi'', nothing else?
Is it considered normal?

Of course I don't yell "hi" from across the room.  By normal I mean not exhibiting any of the traits Vasilisa revealed in another thread when listing the "losers" she has met.    Confident, yet not aggressive.  Friendly, but not silly.  Relaxed, yet alert.  Dressed in fine clothing, expensive shoes and a good watch.
 
By "hi" I mean something to open the door.  We could be standing in line at Starbucks at the mall, and I would say something harmless.  Most of the time the women slammed the door shut, not even making eye contact.   A few soft words can easily lead to light conversation.  If that makes her feel comfortable and if I sense something of interest, it could lead to more.
 
More importantly, I was there because I wanted to shop and have some coffee.  It seems normal.  I welcome the opportunity to go to bat even though I will probably strike out.

[ML]

By "hi" I mean something to open the door.  We could be standing in line at Starbucks at the mall, and I would say something harmless.

I was standing in long line at Post Office last week.
Nice looking 40 something woman (just a tad overweight) got in line behind me.
I said: "Can you believe this long line and only one clerk behind the counter."
She said: "Yes, it's this way many times."
I said: WOW, nice tan.  How are you keeping it this late in the year; been to the beach?
She:  Thanks; No, I just spend some time out sunning at my house.
She:  I am actually here to get a passport; do you think  this is the correct line.
Me:  I don't know, but I'll hold your place in line while you go inquire.
She, returns saying, they will take me inside that door over there.
She, flashing very nice smile: Thanks, alot.  Maybe we will meet in line again.

If I had been looking . . . a phone number or email address would have been  exchanged, I think.  But, I never even looked for rings on finger, etc.

[Patagonie]

By the way, I went jogging this morning and another jogger (a man) stopped and asked me about the direction he was running in. He looked like he knew where he was running though.But he didn't look normal to me, he had a very red face and very red eyes and all sweaty and exhausted and it looked like he was about to have a stroke. Otherwise I'd have supported the conversation in a better way

I guess this guy made a sprint just to catch up you and start a conversation  . As he is not a very trained runner he was near to explode, perhaps you need to see him under other situation. 

[Patagonie]

No, it has nothing to do with sex, actually, what you are talking is more about raping. I've had one who was trying to kiss me by force, but what I meant by "no" is that I am saying in a polite way that I am not interested in further dating after 1-2 dates and they want to see me again or be friends, etc, the last story was when the man wanted to see me but I refused, then we had very sentimental text messaging breaking up, then he waited for a week and then started sending late night text messages that he wanted to be friends, after I said that I didn't think it was possible  and wished him good luck and good night he started insulting me and saying that he knew why I was divorced, blah-blah-blah, it stopped really fast as soon as I told him that was enough and I would call the police though.  Now I am curious where he may put my photos.
Once again: DON'T GIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO THE MEN YOU DON'T KNOW WELL, even if they look good and even if the first date was wonderful.

I haven't dated Russian men though, I am very  interested in 2 but unfortunately one of them lives in a different American city, a long way from me and another one lives in Russia

Vassilia you are right : that this type of adventure is not without risk, but i wouldn't advice you to "not give your phone number to men you don't know well". You are restraining and killing barely all your chances with men, you are going to discourage many. If you want to stay alone it is the way to go.
I would tell you that women are not only suffering from this type of problem. It also happens to men to suffer from "pathologic" women.

I applaud you to stay firmly on your position and tell to men "NO". With men it is simple you have to tell them "NO" how long as needed. Repeat an repeat "i am not interested in you" or "i am not attracted by you". Men are sometimes very stubborn. It is the same with salesmen, you say "i am not interested", salesmen tell you "why are you not interested ?", you answer "i am not interested", they say "why are you not interested ?", you answer "i am not interested". If you begin to explain why you are not interested you are dead. It the same with men.
Of course if they are interested by you and you are not, some can use fallacious reasons such as "friendship" or shallow reasons. I have never met a guy who want to get right the money a friendship with such girl as Jane Fonda, Sharon Stone, Angelina Jolie ..... When a guy want intimacy with a woman the best disclaimer he can get is when a woman tells him that she want to stay friend with him.

[Muzh]

I was standing in long line at Post Office last week.
Nice looking 40 something woman (just a tad overweight) got in line behind me.
I said: "Can you believe this long line and only one clerk behind the counter."
She said: "Yes, it's this way many times."
I said: WOW, nice tan.  How are you keeping it this late in the year; been to the beach?
She:  Thanks; No, I just spend some time out sunning at my house.
She:  I am actually here to get a passport; do you think  this is the correct line.
Me:  I don't know, but I'll hold your place in line while you go inquire.
She, returns saying, they will take me inside that door over there.
She, flashing very nice smile: Thanks, alot.  Maybe we will meet in line again.

If I had been looking . . . a phone number or email address would have been  exchanged, I think.  But, I never even looked for rings on finger, etc.

I don't know. I think the woman got lucky. Imagine her being deprived of bread??

[Vasilisa]

Ok, folks. I know there is a saying:"if you feel like you are surrounded by idiots it means you may be the central one".

I have NO idea what I am doing wrong. But I am obviously doing something wrong as it simply doesn't work.
They ALL look either bad or very bad and when I look at the ones that other women, even really mean and terrible women  have most of them  have good ones.  ALL people I meet can't be bad, there is something wrong either with me or with the way I am looking.

[Vasilisa]

When I read the mean stories men post here I am doing EXACTLY the opposite but it doesn't work!!!
I've already shared my stories about taking care of the men and they just thanked me and went to tour around Ukraine after that?! Ok.

Today I wrote a nice long letter to the man I liked, his message was about how much he wanted to have a family with 2 kids, blah blah blah,... well...it was a letter written specially for him, yes, I wrote it specially for him, asked a lot of questions, shared a lot of thoughts and dreams, attached several cute pictures and started waiting.

What I got back was a dry indifferent letter asking me if I had pre-written that letter and he also wrote he is going to Colombia for Thanxgiving  and to Thailand for Christmas  (I can only guess why) , didn't answer my questions at all, that was it.


Which makes me think that men deserve being used and scammed. What they truly need is a pretty piece of meat with bikini or underwear pictures or a sugar mommy or both. Nobody appreciates true feelings, emotions, generous sincere attitude and either ignores it or laughs at it.

 I am done and it's over.
I am not taking part in it anymore. I am not looking for men anymore and not going to help them or share my thoughts with them. If someone is interested he is welcome to persuade me he is a nice person and it will take him a lot of efforts because I see no nice people in any of these dating websites.

[Slumba]

Vasilisa, I feel for you--because I have been in a very similar situation. 

Some say the opposite of Love is Hate; but really the cruelest response is indifference. 

If the person really Hates you, at least there is a response that indicates they are treating you as a person; but to be honest, to show your inner self to someone, and then have them treat you as if you just read them the weather report ... that really hurts.

[Faux Pas]

When I read the mean stories men post here I am doing EXACTLY the opposite but it doesn't work!!!
I've already shared my stories about taking care of the men and they just thanked me and went to tour around Ukraine after that?! Ok.

Today I wrote a nice long letter to the man I liked, his message was about how much he wanted to have a family with 2 kids, blah blah blah,... well...it was a letter written specially for him, yes, I wrote it specially for him, asked a lot of questions, shared a lot of thoughts and dreams, attached several cute pictures and started waiting.

What I got back was a dry indifferent letter asking me if I had pre-written that letter and he also wrote he is going to Colombia for Thanxgiving  and to Thailand for Christmas  (I can only guess why) , didn't answer my questions at all, that was it.


Which makes me think that men deserve being used and scammed. What they truly need is a pretty piece of meat with bikini or underwear pictures or a sugar mommy or both. Nobody appreciates true feelings, emotions, generous sincere attitude and either ignores it or laughs at it.

 I am done and it's over.
I am not taking part in it anymore. I am not looking for men anymore and not going to help them or share my thoughts with them. If someone is interested he is welcome to persuade me he is a nice person and it will take him a lot of efforts because I see no nice people in any of these dating websites.

Vasilisa, I'm going to offer a little abject criticism to you and you are free to accept it any way you like but, keep in mind it is offered sincerely to help. I've posted very little to you if at all, I honestly don't remember. The reason for that is I detect a large degree of attitude from you from your posts.

Regardless, relationships that lead to romantic interests, family, children are not hammered out on an anvil. They are nurtured the same as crops grow. Your pursuit of perfection isn't realistically going to happen. You want to find Prince charming while jogging or on Match.com like plucking an apple from the tree. Think again, rarely does it happen that way. You want it like you want it but, the problem is, life doesn't work quite that way for most of us.

You have to make yourself a fertile ground for growing and nurturing a relationship. Quit trying to force one into happening. If it does, the end result likely isn't going to be what you'd hoped for.

I would venture a guess that your eventual partner isn't going to be anything like the Prince you have in your mind. I'm not suggesting for a minute that you settle. Quite the contrary. I am suggesting that you open your mind and make your ground fertile. Let your garden grow and pluck the fruit that you want. I'm speaking in metaphors on purpose hopefully that you can see the light. Quit thinking that it has to happen this way, or that way or I met so many like this.

Use all of your avenues to put yourself in the game and allow things to grow in your ground. If nothing is growing in your ground, maybe the problem is your ground?

[Vasilisa]

I would venture a guess that your eventual partner isn't going to be anything like the Prince you have in your mind. I'm not suggesting for a minute that you settle. Quite the contrary. I am suggesting that you open your mind and make your ground fertile. Let your garden grow and pluck the fruit that you want. I'm speaking in metaphors on purpose hopefully that you can see the light. Quit thinking that it has to happen this way, or that way or I met so many like this.

Use all of your avenues to put yourself in the game and allow things to grow in your ground. If nothing is growing in your ground, maybe the problem is your ground?

I  agree on that. The problem is that I have no idea what I am doing wrong as I am NOT looking for perfection and I am not looking for the Prince moreover, I know what type of people I am looking for and I've met them in real life  many times  and I meet them every day but all of them are married.

Now about me: more caring I get,  harder I work at myself the worse results I get, moreover, now I get less attention than I did when I was 15 pounds fatter than I am now and my hair was shorter than it is now. Since I have no idea how it  works and I am not going to contact  tattooed druggers I am getting out of this process!

[LAman]

I  agree on that. The problem is that I have no idea what I am doing wrong as I am NOT looking for perfection and I am not looking for the Prince moreover, I know what type of people I am looking for and I've met them in real life  many times  and I meet them every day but all of them are married.

Now about me: more caring I get,  harder I work at myself the worse results I get, moreover, now I get less attention than I did when I was 15 pounds fatter than I am now and my hair was shorter than it is now. Since I have no idea how it  works and I am not going to contact  tattooed druggers I am getting out of this process!

What makes you think you are doing something wrong? If its not your time.....then it isn't your time!!!!
Are you in some type of hurry? You are looking for a man in a place where many men have some type of disorder(?), it is plain to see in your reports. What really do you expect??? It could take months if not years to find a mate. Who knows? Just take care of yourself and do things that make you happy. Maybe you can believe in fate....and know someone eventually will find you!!! Maybe right now....the man you are looking for doesn't exist? I don't know your parameters in men but maybe something there is........ unrealistic??
I like what FP said about having an open mind........

[calmissile]

Vasilisa, I'm going to offer a little abject criticism to you and you are free to accept it any way you like but, keep in mind it is offered sincerely to help. I've posted very little to you if at all, I honestly don't remember. The reason for that is I detect a large degree of attitude from you from your posts.

Regardless, relationships that lead to romantic interests, family, children are not hammered out on an anvil. They are nurtured the same as crops grow. Your pursuit of perfection isn't realistically going to happen. You want to find Prince charming while jogging or on Match.com like plucking an apple from the tree. Think again, rarely does it happen that way. You want it like you want it but, the problem is, life doesn't work quite that way for most of us.

You have to make yourself a fertile ground for growing and nurturing a relationship. Quit trying to force one into happening. If it does, the end result likely isn't going to be what you'd hoped for.

I would venture a guess that your eventual partner isn't going to be anything like the Prince you have in your mind. I'm not suggesting for a minute that you settle. Quite the contrary. I am suggesting that you open your mind and make your ground fertile. Let your garden grow and pluck the fruit that you want. I'm speaking in metaphors on purpose hopefully that you can see the light. Quit thinking that it has to happen this way, or that way or I met so many like this.

Use all of your avenues to put yourself in the game and allow things to grow in your ground. If nothing is growing in your ground, maybe the problem is your ground?

Great response.  I could not have put it more delicatlely myself.  I hope she understands what you had to say.