Family Behavior, Her Behavior ...

[Slumba]

I have yet to travel to FSU, but as I communicate more I realize how critically important it is to ask about and understand the woman's family.

Her family will definitely shape her behavior!

For myself, I have been in communication with a woman whose father left when she was 4, and she has not had any contact with him since. 

The mother of this woman was not forthcoming with praise, there was lots of criticism, and when she did well at something, the mother would say, "why not!  You are my daughter and it was expected" .

Contrast this behavior with another woman of almost the same age, intact family, relatives, and older brother who she is friends with.

Which woman is most likely to be calm and know how to easily deal with regular normal family issues that everyone will go through?

I welcome everyone, especially those more experienced, to comment, suggest, give examples of, etc.

Any "rules of thumb"?  One I heard was, watch how the woman treats her mother, and, how the mother treats her husband.

[BC]

One of the best suggestions is to make sure you spend time with family and friends of your prospective mate.  Unfortunately it is quite likely she will not. 

But in any case, observing family dynamics can give a hint as to what you may expect.  How future MIL treats future FIL and vice versa.  Don't forget any kids involved along with methods of reward / punishment.

It does take time though, maybe more than one has before 'pulling the trigger'...  so bottom line, pink flags should be grounds for further investigation.

Hope this helps, and a hearty welcome to the forum Slumba!

[mendeleyev]

This topic brings back some great memories for me. I was courting Mrs. M in Moscow and had the luxury of being around her almost every day for a year+ before we married. We were "courting" versus "dating" so were rarely by ourselves in most situations. Looking back I can see that she vetted me through not only close relatives, but extended relatives, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Smart lady!

Several times I recall with great clarity, one of them being a day spent at the publishing house where she worked at the time. It was the dead of winter and I had the day off so went to her workplace and sat in an outer office quietly reading except for the occasional query from one of her co-workers. It was obvious that she was admired and respected and that they felt an obligation to make sure I was an okay guy for her as well. At the morning break one of the secretaries asked me to join the front office staff for tea which I did. At lunchtime the future Mrs M and I took a short lunch break with several of the staff from her art division. In mid-afternoon there was another break for tea with the gals up front.

By the end of the day I had finished one book and was well into another but in looking back can see that I learned a lot about her work ethic and the kinds of people with whom she associated in that one day. Later I'd come to realize that I was not the only one watching, they were watching me as well. We attended an exhibit that evening with another couple and I had learned more about her and her lifestyle that day than some will ever learn after a billion hours on Skype. She had about me as well.

That kind of day was far more important that slipping a new gal off to Turkey for the beach. Hell, they all look good in bathing suits so there is not much to learn from something like that. There were many other events and places that we shared hours together in the presence of others and we learned much about each other by watching. Anyone can be on good behaviour for a week holiday. It is when you're been with her aunts and cousins for long days in a crowded apartment or train compartment that you really learn who the other person is in real life.

You learn more from observing someone in real life that you could ever learn when they're on vacation.

[Faux Pas]

Slumba, careful not to paint all ladies with a more difficult upbringing with the same swath. Some overcome it very well, others do not. You probably know local women that have. Adversely, some with all the advantages can turn into pure evil.

There's just no way of knowing for sure. You can help improve your chances of a fine quality woman by visiting many, multiple times before pulling the trigger. Most anyone can hide their true personality for a while but, eventually the true one comes out. There is no substitute for face time. Observe how they treat everybody, parent(s), family, friends, service people, you. Watch them under stress and stress free, good times and bad. The only way you can truly see is to be there.

Welcome to RWD! 

[mendeleyev]

Well said, Faux. +1

[Slumba]

Thank you for the welcome!

I apologize, in that I don't feel comfortable in anonymously listing this woman's character flaws, even without identifying her.  That is why I did not elaborate on what I was trying to say, but, suffice to say she has possibly too-high expectations of what a man can deliver to her - this may be due to the lack of a father figure in her life.

And, I certainly do not mean to paint single mothers' children, as women not worthy of pursuit.

Mendy, thanks for sharing - I do wonder how I would have done in similar circumstances!  Probably not as well...

I sure welcome any and all perspectives on this issue... anything that can help us see through the fog of the language and culture barriers...