Just because I can, should I? 20+ year age gaps

[IAmZon]

I have this question spinning around in my head, and there is no better place for such banter ... so, ladies and gentlemen another Age Gap thread. 


Seriously, I would love to get quality some longitudinal evidence from those that are in, or have been in age gap 20  years) marriages - not so much OPINIONS but facts.


====


I have a problem (if one can really call it that)!   The only sincere relationships I have found myself in recent memory is with women 24 - 28 years younger than me.  It is not my express purpose.  In fact, I feel a little creepy kissing, holding hands in public with a woman 28 years younger than myself - I just MAKE myself do it LOL.   These relationships COULD work in Colombia South America ( a place I live 50% of my time).    But, there is not way in hell these relationships could last in the USA.  In this moment, I am 48, my amiga is 20. NOT GOOD.  Ironically, the same age gap difference would feel different (less creepy) in ten more years.  I would be 58 she would be 30 - that sounds much more comfortable.  Hmmmm?


At the end of the day, these questions are between two people and can not be gauged and judged with statistics.   Nevertheless, it is useful to measure twice, cut once.   


I would prefer to find a woman 28 - 33.  But, that has proven easier to say than find.   So, I do not have my heart set on mismatched relationships for life (I don't think).    I am near the top of my game nowadays, but it is not wise for me to rely on this calculus for the next 15 - 20 years.   My hair could fall out, my face could drop, I could develop health problems ... then, I could find myself in severe physical mismatches.   Not good.


I am inclined to make a decision in the near future - 24 months.  When I do I am inclined to use the decision-making process of NFL coaches as they enter the draft - pick the best available overall athlete.    I am not off balance with any one factor, beauty (I stay away from 10's and 9's - they are a pain in the ass in any country); children ( a little life experience and "baggage" can be a good thing); county (I love to play away games).   BUT, before I do make a decision, I should come to peace with these age gap issues.


What say you?

[Muzh]

I really don't care your age difference. However, I have two very good friends who asked me the same question and my response to them was to think about it very carefully.

Well, both had children with the very much younger brides and both are now divorced. It was ugly.

Now, If you happen to be 65 and she is 40, well I would say go for it.

[Darth_Budda]

21 is a big marker for the American women..

The whole world of bar's and dance clubs open up,,,,

Boy can them young ladies drink,,, If your not a drinking disco duck be careful.

[Faux Pas]

Dating and having fun with women 20-30 years younger is one thing. Easy to do for a man with some game, time and extra cash. Building a life and marriage with such a woman or with such a man, is completely another story. Longevity is the problem on many fronts. The consideration isn't as much age now but, abilities later. Where will yours be and where will hers be? When you are on the downside of your looks and sexual prowess, her's is yet to peak. Can you or will you even want to, keep her interested in your marriage. If you are only interested in the short term satisfaction then go for it. If you are seeking longevity, choose wisely.

[GoodOlBoy]

What say you?

Buy yourself a Corvette. 
 
GOB

[BC]

I think most with large age gaps will advise against it.

I was 43 and my wife 25 when we met almost 11 years ago.

Our common desire was to have a child which was a huge factor with going ahead with marriage.  Any later and I would have aged out with little chance of being around past early teens.  My previous LTR (a German lady btw) did not want children which helped lead to the demise of the relationship.

Our meeting was not planned, but the puzzle fit.. a right place, right time thing for both of us.

If all this happened today, our desires would have not been compatible. Fun, but likely not long term. The only children I want to have now days are maybe a couple more grandkids (have 3 already).  I would probably end up more comfortable with someone closer to my own age.  But then again a tight bod is hard to ignore and a great ego boost.

To me, the age gap grows wider as you get older.. Wifey jokes a bit about having to 'sweep up the dust falling from my ass' but in reality some day in the not too long future she'll maybe be pushing me around and wiping spittle.. not very pretty.  I do hope for the proverbial 'heart attack in the sack' before it gets to that stage.

Have fun, but think long term for everyone involved.



 

[IAmZon]

Damn gentlemen!  foreboding comments for sure ...


I am 47 and in, or near, the best physical shape of my life now.   Certainly, I can stretch the field a little?

[BC]

Certainly, I can stretch the field a little?

It's more about angle than length.. LOL

[ML]

Many things to consider as others have already posted.

A few 'determining' factors as I see it.

1) The age of the woman.  As others have mentioned here and in earlier threads, the younger the woman, the more the likelihood of future problems with a large age gap.  From  this perspective, your dalliances with early 20 somethings is doomed from a long-run viewpoint.

2) Health and fitness.  Some guys are just naturally more fit than the average guy and will have a much longer life span accompanied by good health and extraordinary energy.  These men should also avoid the 20 somethings;  but these men have a good chance for large age gaps if they are with women aged 40 plus.

3) Sex is often mentioned in these age gap discussions.  It is well documented, that 'on average' men's sexual desire peaks at age 18 or so, and then has a steady decline.  Women peak at age 35-40.  However, what is not widely understood is that although the man's desire is declining . . .  it is still above the average woman's desire, even when she is in the peak 35-40 years.  Then, anytime within the 45-60 age bracket, the woman's desire is going to disappear with menopause.  Remember to keep the 'average' idea in mind.

Now take a 40-50 year old guy who is fairly lethargic with below average sex drive and pair him with a 20 something with above average sex drive; a recipe for disaster once the guy's 2-3 year burst of sexual output from being with a hot gal loses its luster.

On the other hand,  take a 65 year old highly  fit and sexual guy with a family history of good health and long life span.  He best settle for nothing older than a 40 year old woman.  When she is done with sex at age 55-60 or so; he probably will be also.

Remember . . .  'average.'

[IAmZon]

ahh sex.   This is a mostly misunderstood topic - especially by AM - in my opinion.   

It takes practice and study and control and time to become poetic in the act of physical giving (not taking).  There is a large body of writing on the concept of older men withholding personal gratification ... thus making the physical transaction something much different that the 18 year man version.   

But, I do not want this thread to become a BillyB thread (and I mean this only with the utmost of support for men trying to become the best they can be). 

I REMAIN particularly interested in the warnings and sober thoughts.  To me, this evaluation is akin to selecting a life insurance product. It is a very good idea to consider and have for everyone (especially those with dependents).   But, nobody can determine how long one's rubber band is, or how much juice is in the tank.

[BC]

The most sobering thought that pops in my mind is discussing topics like death with my young son.  Right now my two daughters are in their very early 30's and oldest son 27.  Our son is 9.  If I live to be 75 which is still pretty young for my family (with most living well into the 80's and 90's) there is still a considerable difference.

On the other hand the time I spend with our young son is much more than the time I spent with my other kids.  In my younger years life was about getting somewhere with whatever time was spent together as a family secondary.  I was on the road a good bit back then on business.

Today, I don't travel that much, maybe 3 or 4 times a year and work from home so we are basically together as a family 24/7.

All that said, my grandfather was 68 when my father was born, last of 6 kids and died at 95.  Grandmother 42 and died at 82 so go do the math.... we're talking well into TurboGuy territory here.... LOL

So maybe I'm just being paranoid..

Do whatever makes you both happy.

[ML]

All that said, my grandfather was 68 when my father was born, last of 6 kids and died at 95. 

We were watching Sunday morning shows while doing Pilates exercises.

They were interviewing a 'live' man whose grandfather was born in 1790.  Gal and I were like 'WTF.'

Turns out the grandfather was no other than President Tyler, our 10th president.

This president fathered a child  when he was 63, and that son fathered a child when he was 75.  The grandson being interviewed was in his 80s.  So just 3 generations covered 222 years and counting.

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2012/01/president-tyler-grandson-alive.html

[pitbull]

Many things to consider as others have already posted.




Now take a 40-50 year old guy who is fairly lethargic with below average sex drive and pair him with a 20 something with above average sex drive; a recipe for disaster once the guy's 2-3 year burst of sexual output from being with a hot gal loses its luster.

Hmmm.... seems like a very common scenario in AM-RW marriages. There is at least one or two stories exactly like this one on the forum for RW living abroad, each week. And this is just one forum.
I started wondering if one of the reasons WM look abroad is that a good number just can't satisfy local women in the sack 
 

[BC]

I started wondering if one of the reasons WM look abroad is that a good number just can't satisfy local women in the sack 

Well... young women are a pecker upper..  I think that's what most are after, but guess what.. the novelty will wear off.

[ML]

Hmmm.... seems like a very common scenario in AM-RW marriages. There is at least one or two stories exactly like this one on the forum for RW living abroad, each week. And this is just one forum.
I started wondering if one of the reasons WM look abroad is that a good number just can't satisfy local women in the sack 

Don't know . . . your words are quite a leap from my words.

Actually, I have never heard AW talk much about not being satisfied in  the sack.  I mean even on most of the women talk shows where they leave nothing out, I don't think  this is a hot topic.  And, I am not at all an expert in the statistics here, but I have a feeling that not being satisfied with sex is a very small percentage of the AW who file for divorce.

Note: I am not saying that AM are good at sex; nor even that they are not terrible at it.  Just that it doesn't seem to be a major reason for divorce in USA.

But, when we consider AM/RW marriages,  it is easy to see why this might be more of  a factor.  This is because of the relatively quick nature of these marriages; not just in total time, but in terms of time spent together, much of which could have been (but wasn't) time in the sack to sort these compatibility issues out.

And perhaps points out the ill advised actions of the typical woman who immediately stops conversations with guys who bring up sex early in the relationship.  Perhaps many of these unhappy RW you see on the discussion sites should have followed up a bit more with such men.

[IAmZon]

Unsatisfied partners?  Buyer Beware / Seller Beware LOL   A little time and investment goes a long way


== Again, I have lived in Latin America much.   Dance was important to me, because when I did not know Spanish, dance was a good communication.  It turns out to be much more than that.   It has direct application to all things physical.   Interestingly, when I meet new people in Latin America, few even guess me to be Americano these days. (Oh! they don't think I am Latino either:)  The primary reason is because I am much looser than I used to be.  Americanos are almost always look nervous and tentative and stiff - like children getting ready to ride a roller-coaster.   Thus is our pace of life.  We expect fast outcomes.   These outlooks and expectations are not the things of which  good lovers are made. ===

[Faux Pas]

Hmmm.... seems like a very common scenario in AM-RW marriages. There is at least one or two stories exactly like this one on the forum for RW living abroad, each week. And this is just one forum.
I started wondering if one of the reasons WM look abroad is that a good number just can't satisfy local women in the sack 

Perhaps your sample sizes are misleading and unaccounted for. 8 of 10 (or likely higher) AM/RW marriages there is a large age disparity whereas in AW/AM marriages maybe 1 of 10 would have that disparity. Despite the viagra age, there will be a corner to turn sexually in age gap marriages and the need or desire. It will always be there until someone discovers an age reversing process, don't you think?

Probably very little to do the the AM prowess as a whole and more to do with individual age gap marriages, it would appear

[Vasilisa]

   The only sincere relationships I have found myself in recent memory is with women 24 - 28 years younger than me.

rivardo, may I ask you what you are looking for exactly? A family with children or just a nice looking soulmate with who you will travel?!

Did you ask yourself what makes this relationships with 20-25 yo girls so sincere and exquisite that as soon as the girls  turn 28 they are not that good anymore?

I've been in a short-term  large age gap relationship ( and I am very sorry about it), my opinion is that even if it is possible at the beginning, it  often has a bad end and if we speak about international marriages it is an additional problem to the bunch of problems you are going to have in an internatonal relationship itself. 
I don't know you well enough, my opinion is that such a relationship can work well when the man used to have a family in the past, he is patient, calm, intelligent and is a giver, if he is a selfish hot tempered old bachelor I would't worry about 15-20 years future.

[pitbull]

Perhaps your sample sizes are misleading and unaccounted for. 8 of 10 (or likely higher) AM/RW marriages there is a large age disparity whereas in AW/AM marriages maybe 1 of 10 would have that disparity. Despite the viagra age, there will be a corner to turn sexually in age gap marriages and the need or desire. It will always be there until someone discovers an age reversing process, don't you think?

Probably very little to do the the AM prowess as a whole and more to do with individual age gap marriages, it would appear

I've been paying attention to the relative ages of M and W in those sad stories. Usually the women are in their twenties through early thirties; men are late thirties to early fifties. An age gap is present, but I thought most men in the aforementioned age category should still have a healthy libido 
Also, looks like many AM prefer to do it themselves watching .orn, rather than with their wives. Lazy?
 
Anyway, I am still surprised at how often these complaints pop up on the RW forum
 
 
 

[Faux Pas]

I've been paying attention to the relative ages of M and W in those sad stories. Usually the women are in their twenties through early thirties; men are late thirties to early fifties. An age gap is present, but I thought most men in the aforementioned age category should still have a healthy libido 
Also, looks like many AM prefer to do it themselves watching .orn, rather than with their wives. Lazy?
 
Anyway, I am still surprised at how often these complaints pop up on the RW forum

Sexual peak for men and women is remarkably different and thus age gap can play a defining more serious role. Regardless of the bravado men parrot, most men when they hit mid 40's are in a very notable decline whether they admit it or not. Modern chemistry has helped but, it only takes care of the symptoms instead of the problem. Adversely, women in their 20's-30's have yet to reach their peak. These are laws of nature to which science has no answer. Dissatisfaction in these cases would seem to be the norm.

The problem of porn affects the younger generation as well but, that's likely a different problem 

[Gator]

Tim,

What role do you want your young wife to play in marriage? 

-  A stay at home mama with little kids running around the house?  If so, do you want to go to your son's soccer games and other athletic events  as a 67-yo Dad?  At the commencement ceremony the ushers will place you with the grandparents.

-  An intelligent woman who has a fulfilling  professional job and is your friend and lover at home?  If so, will you grow with her and satisfy her  expanding intellectual curiosity?  Or will her professional and social world outside your marriage become more important than her time with you?

-   A woman who will busy herself for a few years in advancing her education before deciding about whether to stay with you?   If so, are you willing to accept that you may be alone in 5-10 years, but the time with her was worth it?

-  A simple trophy woman who is happy in life staying at home and doing what you want her to do?  Will she satisfy your need for interesting conversations?

So you now think through these and other scenarios.  You date the best athlete available.  The two of you reach an understanding which will probably feature some accommodations by both of you.    Fantástica, sí mi amigo? 
Keep this in mind:  Women change, young women more so, especially upon becoming assimilated into a culture they never envisioned.   How flexible and accommodating are you? 

As you observed with your own eyes, I have been there.   The six years before marriage were fairly good, in fact fantastic at times.  The one year of marriage was regretable.   I thought I knew her.  As it turned out, I was wrong.    Yet I knew her well enough to pull the plug.
 
 
 

[IAmZon]

So you now think through these and other scenarios.  You date the best athlete available.  The two of you reach an understanding which will probably feature some accommodations by both of you.    Fantástica, sí mi amigo? 
Keep this in mind:  Women change, young women more so, especially upon becoming assimilated into a culture they never envisioned.   How flexible and accommodating are you? 

EXCELLENT POST, my friend.

In my past relationship of 13 years, I made the mistake of going along with this "a wife is everything" BS - lover, mother, best friend, drinking buddy, business partner, etc...    Nowadays, and especially after spending time in cultures where the gender roles are more traditional, I see things differently.   A man should be a man.  A woman should be a woman.  There is no confusion in my noggin anymore:)

1, I am very gentle and patient.  I am not selfish.  But, I will not be henpecked or compromise my role as leader.
2, I do not need to find my career, intellectual, spiritual, age equal to SHARE and PASS THROUGH live together.  Too late for that.  Besides, when enter and leave this world ALONE.
3, I understand that in the "young love" relationships that I have found myself, I am not a boy learning with a girl ... I am a man guiding / teaching ... protecting / facilitating.  It is different.  Not necessarily worse, or less - just different.
4, I had the interesting experience last year to be dating two different women of the same age - 24.  One was a simple woman; the other a psychologist who worked much of the time.   At this point in my life, I do not want myself, or my woman to be as I was in my 20's and 30's - a workaholic.
5, I have gotten to the point in my psychological development that I don't give a crap what other well meaning people think about me.   I have already crossed the Rubicon.   I do not have any problem going to a future son or daughter's graduation and people saying I look like their grandfather.  HELL, Phil, at the rate I am going, I might be running marathons at that time?
6, A woman spending time with me for the purpose of establishing herself - NOPE! That ain't gonna happen to me.
7, I have had women that are drop dead gorgeous, great sex, and little more.  I have had women that were not Einsteins, but they were intelligent in their world, cheerful, loving, sweet, organized, purposeful ... but, a little "simple" by modern standards.   The more time I spent with them, the more I saw that it was I that was simple (maybe superficial).

Women change, and very young women change much more.  Excellent point.

[Slumba]

Sexual peak for men and women is remarkably different and thus age gap can play a defining more serious role. Regardless of the bravado men parrot, most men when they hit mid 40's are in a very notable decline whether they admit it or not

The Russians have a solution: kettlebell workouts ... they greatly increase your overall strength, heart, cardio conditioning ... and, they both loosen up and strengthen your hip flexors... 

[Gator]

I started wondering if one of the reasons WM look abroad is that a good number just can't satisfy local women in the sack 

 
Why would it be easier to satisfy sexually a RW?   I went to a couple of banya sessions in Russia.  In the hot room RM seem to have on average a larger penis than AM, especially considering that not a small number of AM have the "Irish curse. "  When splashing cold water on each other there was no noticeable difference if anything was noticeable.      Nevertheless, the largest sexual organ is the brain.  Seriously, are WM better lovers than RM?   RW are neither better nor worse lovers than AW,  IMO.
 
Maybe you were thinking that the average RW whom an AM can date has a better body than the average AW he was dating.  That is true.   So maybe he is more aroused physically in the FSU.  And as reported notably at RWD,  some AM are generous in using their discretionary spending reserves to buy vibrators and sex toys for their RW.     

[Gator]

I don't know you well enough, my opinion is that such a relationship can work well when the man used to have a family in the past, he is patient, calm, intelligent and is a giver,...

Not to brag, but that describes me.  Yet, I tried and I failed. 

Did I give up?  No, I found a woman who is better connected to me emotionally, whose interests and goals are aligned with mine, and who is very tolerant (to a point).  There is more, far more.  And while she is young enough to be my daughter if I had one while in college, her father and mother are much older than me (unlike my first attempt).