So, when did you know she was THE one?

[Gef]

It has been over a week now since I got back home from a very nice meeting in Russia. She and her parents were wonderful people and I cannot say enough good things about them. In fact I am still overwhelmed by their warm attitudes. They have also made it very clear that they feel the same way about me too. Even though I know she is a very good woman, I am still not sure what I want to do next. I would like to hear the thoughts and experiences from other members on what or how they felt after a successful meeting, and how they dealt with it. Thanks.

Confused Gef

[BC]

Give yourself a little time to get over jetlag and emotional/hormonal rush.  Stay in contact but don't 'push' the correspondence / calls overboard.. let her also initiate some contacts to confirm her feelings.

Plan the next 'date' but don't get into the 'rush to judgement' mode thinking you might loose her.. Trust me.. if it is meant to be it will be.

Get back into your normal productive routine until your next trip.

Stick around the boards, research, evaluate your motives, expectations and capabilities to overcome the hurdles that surely lie ahead..  be objective and don't rationalize or obsess.

Always remember.. you are dating.. nothing more, nothing less.

Happy to hear you had a great experience!

[Bruce]

I second BC wholeheartedly.  Best of luck .

[Turboguy]

I hate to say this but the way you signed your post "confused"  It reminded me of another post a long time ago.  I am not even sure why but that post went on to be the longest string of controversy ever.

I think the advice you have had so far is good.  Take some time.  Spend a lot of time reading the posts here.   There are a lot of people who know a lot more about what they are talking about than you might think if you don't agree with thier views.

Let me ask you this.  Did you see any red flags at all?   I am much more aware of this than I was before I made some big mistakes.   Let me ask you something else.  Is it possible to go back for a second visit before you make any commitments?  My former fiancee was a totally different person on my second visit than she was on the first. 

You are really just dating and the better you know someone the better the chances of avoiding a mistake.  Above all, don't rush into something.  Take some time and see if your feelings stay the same.

 

[Gef]

Thank you for your input and reminding us, that after all  it is still just dating, something that is easy to forget sometimes, not to mention that long distance dating is really very difficult.

However, I am rather worried that even though she is a good woman, I'm not feeling much in the way of chemistry with her. Should a person take a wait-and-see position on this sort of thing and see if anything develops later or would that be unfair to the girl? She has made it very clear that she wants to take things to the next level beyond friendly hugs. As for myself, I am having some doubts, but then I am not the sort that jumps quickly into things. It is beside the point but I am also corresponding with another girl that is interested in meeting me. It may seem irrational to some, but it's kind of a moral dilemma for me. Just hearing about other experiences really helps in decision making.

[BC]

Gef,

It could be the beginnings of 'CandyStore' syndrome.. another common ailiment around here.

Was the lack of chemistry apparent when you visited RU or did it appear along with your second penpal?

[Gef]

BC

No, but I understand what you mean about the candy store syndrome. The chemistry became doubtful after a few days. I had been writing to both in the same time frame and I just made the decision to meet the one I had just visited. I'll wait awhile and see how I feel and see if things change in the near future.

Gef

[Bruce]

Gef, if chemistry became an issue after only a few days I think you need to move on.   Sit down and realistically determine what you are looking for in a woman.  Shut your eyes and see what comes into your mind.  Think of that girl with a frown on her face.  Then think of her with a loving smile.  Chemistry does count for alot.  Chances are there are alot of types of women that will click with you if the chemistry is right.  Make a realistic list of what you want physically, emotionally, spiritually - then determine what absolutely is essential.   By all means visit the other girl and perhaps a few more.  There always is another girl.  The hard part is if she is the right girl.

[dwfunk]

It  has been over a week now since I got back home from a very nice meeting  in Russia. She and her parents were wonderful people and I cannot say  enough good things about them. In fact I am still overwhelmed  by their warm attitudes. They have also made it very clear that  they feel the same way about me too. Even though I know she  is a very good woman, I am still not sure what I want to do next. I  would like to hear the thoughts and experiences from other members on  what or how they felt after a successful meeting, and how they dealt  with it. Thanks.

Confused Gef

One major fact that many if not most people forget or don't know or  don't see is that the Russian people as a culture are very gracious and  giving hosts.  So much so, that if you are not familiar with these  attitudes, one can easily mistake the attention for something more than  it really is. 

I come from a family background of arranged marriages.  I was  betrothed at six weeks of age to a girl I grew up with until we  discovered other people at about 14 years of age.  I grew up with,  and around people who had learned to love their spouse because of the  arranged marriages.  Some of them apparently had "chemistry" early  on in their marriage or very quickly developed it from the start of  their marriage, and some just flat learned to love their mate.  I  never saw any, but I believe there might have been one or two that just  co-existed because they believed they had to.

When I attempting dating AW, I never found one that was an instant  "Wow!" nor any that seemed to grow on me over time.  I did meet  several that were an instant "NO!" to me and I broke those off as  quickly as possible.  It took a while to shake off the Psycho Lady  however.

When I was first contacted by my Natalia, I was immediately  interested.  On paper, she looked very good, in fact, she looked  perfect, what remained was to communicate with her and get more  information.  We wrote often, and she gave me her phone number and  I began calling her once a week.  Her questions were deep and  probing and I answered everything including things that were  uncomfortable to talk about.  I began planning to go meet  her.  Hurricane Rita, and a week in intensive care, caused me to  think I had lost her.  Much to my surprise, she called me at the  hospital on a daily basis, keeping up with my progress over the next 1  1/2 weeks.  Our visit was planned for the end of December into the  1st couple of weeks in January.  I still had to go down to the  Consulate and get my visa, when it hit me, that I had real strong  feelings for her.  The attention she paid to me in the hospital  from half way around the world when she could have bailed, meant a  great deal to me. 

So, 28 Dec arrives and I am in Moscow, to meet her in person for the  first time.  I knew that I could make a go of it, provided that  she didn't flee in terror.  To my pleasant surprise, the meeting  was very positive and for the first time I knew I had an instant "Wow!"  and that she was my choice for my other half. The rest was up to her, I  would have to propose, and she would have to accept.  Her  responses to me the first couple of days were mixed, but she had a lot  going on.  She couldn't get off work like she had planned, so she  was worried that I would be bored and offended,  Not!  I  spent a great deal of time with her son, playing computer games with  him, and working on his HO train set.  We had to use my electronic  translator and the dictionary all the time, but we had a blast.   The weekend arrived and she was off for the holidays.  I insisted  that she rest and relax, and I helped her mother (as much as she would  let me) prepare for the New Years celebration, and so we pampered her  for the weekend.  Starting 1 Jan we were together by ourselves,  and she could relax without mom around.  The day she told me, that  due to our almost daily writing and weekly phone calls, that she felt  like she has known me for a very long time, I knew it was time to  propose.  Her response wasn't immediate, and I thought for a few  minutes that I had blown it.  But, then she answered and there was  no doubt.  She told me that the first two days we were together,  she didn't "feel" me, but from the third day, she did.

So what does all this mean?  I am of the firm opinion that if you  are not sure what to do, or if you are not sure she is the one, then  the answer is no, she's not, and it's a 'no go!'. The yes side of this  equation is so blatant that if you don't have it, and if she doesn't  start growing on you real quick after a meeting, than it's not a go,  and time to quickly and gently sever communications.  I'm sure  there are some that continued to communicate and something finally  clicked, but for the most part, I firmly believe you will know when  it's a go!  Anything else is a no.  Body language, does she  hold on to your arm? Does she stand real close to you? Pressing into  you? Does she lean her head towards you? Does she lay her head on you? No?  Than she's just being polite, and she does not like you, time to move  on.


-david, if you have to ask . . .

[Gef]

In answer to your question, on several levels she has made it very clear to me during our visit that she is interested in me, including her body language and by her words. Since our visit, she has described to me of the many ways that she misses me. This is difficult since I am uncertain how I feel. I would hate to rush judgement and then realize I made a mistake. On the other hand it seems like stringing her along.

[BC]

Gef,

Emotionally speaking, we sometimes act with women like we do with automobiles.. we don't want junk or sell it until a new one is in the driveway.

A certain element of 'risk' will always be there whether you decide to go forward with this woman or not.  I think if you go over for a week and meet your second correspondent you will feel the same afterwards with her also.

You are thinking marriage when you should be thinking dating.  The 'big question' is dragging you down so just let go until things are ripe for such decisions.   Carrying a loaded and cocked gun in your beltline is not very healthy.

Relationships are not instant soup.

[brentxxoo]

It has been over a week now since I got back home from a very nice meeting in Russia. She and her parents were wonderful people and I cannot say enough good things about them. In fact I am still overwhelmed by their warm attitudes. They have also made it very clear that they feel the same way about me too. Even though I know she is a very good woman, I am still not sure what I want to do next. I would like to hear the thoughts and experiences from other members on what or how they felt after a successful meeting, and how they dealt with it. Thanks.

Confused Gef

 

OK I think you should read all the 'be careful replies' but here's a different perspective.

 

I didn't meet my wife through a service.  We met diving in Thailand.  However we both extended our stay an additional 2 weeks and by the end of the 3rd week had gotten american flag/russian flag tattoos.  We knew we were going to make something with our chance.

 

It's been 2 years, married for 16 months and she just picked up her I-551 in Barbados today.  I'll meet her in Miami on Sunday.

here's a photo album of how we spent the last 2 years.  I can't imagine having done it with anyone but her.  So use your head, but don't discount your heart.

http://photos.yahoo.com/brenxxoo

[dwfunk]

You are thinking marriage when you should be thinking dating.  The 'big question' is dragging you down so just let go until things are ripe for such decisions.

BC,

I have to vehemently disagree with you here.  This is ALL about marriage! Period!  These women are not here to date, they can do that anytime they want, they want a quality husband and a quality husband they can not get in their own country.

This is the high stakes poker table, and if you are not here to play seriously, then you are in the wrong place.  Anyone who is only interested in dating, this is the wrong place to be.  Everyone here who is looking HAS to make up his mind that this is for MARRIAGE, that this is serious.  The task then remains to sort out which one will it be.

I misread Gef's original post.  He is right, he is stringing her along, because he is too wishy-washy to make a decision.  The lady is serious about getting married and she will think his continued attention means he is also interested in the same thing.  He has to make a tough decision, and let her know he is not serious about her. Then he needs to figure out what he really wants and then come back and begin corresponding with some until he reaches the point he knows one or two good enough to consider her as a wife.  Then go visit her to make sure the "chemistry" is there.

This is serious business, it is all about marriage.

-david

[Gef]

Too wishy-washy to make a decision seems an unfair appraisal. More accurately, I am taking this whole process very very seriously. I am serious about marriage and I am attempting to make an informed decision on something that will affect the rest of my life (and hers too) under circumstances that is not usual for me and beyond my normal experience; at the same time I am attempting to learn from other men's experiences too; as you may have read in my original post. To my mind, snap decisions after only a week together seems far worse than anyone's idea of what "wishy-washy" could ever be. I'll stay with the well thought out and informed decisions and choices. It is preferable than not dating and then sending her back home again later when you discover that it was all a mistake. But then, it's different solutions for different people. However, I now have a fresh perspective on my situation, thanks to time, and some very good advice and comments in this forum.

[Killer-B]

here's a photo album of how we spent the last 2 years.  .

http://photos.yahoo.com/brenxxoo

Hey Brent - I remember seeing these before -- I think they were in your journal on the "other" board - but can't get this link to work.... Is the URL correct? Or do I just have my head up my :seething:


Thanks -

Killer


PS: Ahhhhh - Never mind - You left the "T" off mate

Link is here: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/brentxxoo/my_photos

[LostInIllinois]

After being on many dates in the Ukraine I had quite a bit of fun, but no real interest.... 

 

On my first date with my RW, I lost all my senses.  Almost like a bolt of lightening striking right in front of me. Maybe even somebody throwing a flash/bang grenade in the room. 

That is how I knew.

[Son of Clyde]

I think I knew when I first met her at Borispol airport.

It was her initial reaction. Pavel had told me how excited she was about meeting me and he left us with Blackman and the driver who took us to the apartment. She was acting very shy but very warm and it was never like she was acting. It was a genuine shy reaction when you meet someone you care for and have been corresponding with for 6 months.

While we were together she did everything for me and rarely, if ever did she think about herself. She said she would protect me in her country and it is exactly what she did.

I have tried to do the same in my country, to protect and care for her and her son.

[PeeWee]

You are thinking marriage when you should be thinking dating.  The 'big question' is dragging you down so just let go until things are ripe for such decisions.

BC,

I have to vehemently disagree with you here.  This is ALL about marriage! Period!  These women are not here to date, they can do that anytime they want, they want a quality husband and a quality husband they can not get in their own country.

This is the high stakes poker table, and if you are not here to play seriously, then you are in the wrong place.  Anyone who is only interested in dating, this is the wrong place to be.  Everyone here who is looking HAS to make up his mind that this is for MARRIAGE, that this is serious.  The task then remains to sort out which one will it be.

I misread Gef's original post.  He is right, he is stringing her along, because he is too wishy-washy to make a decision.  The lady is serious about getting married and she will think his continued attention means he is also interested in the same thing.  He has to make a tough decision, and let her know he is not serious about her. Then he needs to figure out what he really wants and then come back and begin corresponding with some until he reaches the point he knows one or two good enough to consider her as a wife.  Then go visit her to make sure the "chemistry" is there.

This is serious business, it is all about marriage.

-david

[/quote]
David is right. Have you noticed how much of their hard to come by money they spent on the photos and the clothing they wore in those photos. How many emails, phone calls, and letters they endure in order to find the one guy that will come to the FSU to meet them. To take the time from work to be with you. To arrange a meeting with the parents and her children if she has them. So much time and energy goes into this for her. For you to think of this as a dating and let's see how it goes is not what she is thinking, or hoping for.

She would not have spent the time, money, and energy to meet you if she did not want you. And you, the typical, shall we say spoiled Westerner, see it as a maybe I will maybe I won't relationship? Please, do her a favor and shit or get off the pot. She has other things to do and time is waseting for her.

 

Peewee

[PeeWee]

 

Too wishy-washy to make a decision seems an unfair appraisal. More accurately, I am taking this whole process very very seriously. I am serious about marriage and I am attempting to make an informed decision on something that will affect the rest of my life (and hers too) under circumstances that is not usual for me and beyond my normal experience; at the same time I am attempting to learn from other men's experiences too; as you may have read in my original post. To my mind, snap decisions after only a week together seems far worse than anyone's idea of what "wishy-washy" could ever be. I'll stay with the well thought out and informed decisions and choices. It is preferable than not dating and then sending her back home again later when you discover that it was all a mistake. But then, it's different solutions for different people. However, I now have a fresh perspective on my situation, thanks to time, and some very good advice and comments in this forum.

Did you notice that RW are a whole lot faster time table than you and your American brothers are? You can be as well thought out and informed as you want to be. In the meantime she has seen your thoughtfullness and informed mind as a sign of disinterest. In otherwords you did not come to the plate fast enough for her and she, not wanting to become an older maid than she already thinks she is, moves on to the next guy who does step up to the plate and manages to take a swing. How many signals do you need before you yourself take the swing for the fences? Adage: You snooze you lose.

Peewee

[dwfunk]

You snooze you lose.

[size="3"]AMEN!!        [/size]
--
David & Natalia
Republic of Texas/Moscow, Russia
http://www.davidandnataliafunk.org/
http://www.russianwomanwiki.net/

.

[swindoom]

Gef,

You should not rush yourself into making such a life changing decision if you are not comfortable doing so. Some men propose during the first visit many more do not, it is all down to personal choice/motives. Maybe you should visit again to see if there will be any chemistry the second time round, there really should have been some chemistry during the first visit.

The only thing to be careful with is that you do not lead the lady on, make sure she understands you are just friends at the moment, and that marriage is not a certainty. Obviously she could met and marry someone else while you're deliberating but then that would be a good sign she is not the one.

Better to take your time and make the right choice than rush your decision and make the wrong choice, although it is still no guarantee of success.

[PeeWee]

Gef,

You should not rush yourself into making such a life changing decision if you are not comfortable doing so. Some men propose during the first visit many more do not, it is all down to personal choice/motives. Maybe you should visit again to see if there will be any chemistry the second time round, there really should have been some chemistry during the first visit.

The only thing to be careful with is that you do not lead the lady on, make sure she understands you are just friends at the moment, and that marriage is not a certainty. Obviously she could met and marry someone else while you're deliberating but then that would be a good sign she is not the one.

Better to take your time and make the right choice than rush your decision and make the wrong choice, although it is still no guarantee of success.

timing is everything. You can wait too long, and you probably will, or you can roll the dice, as they say, and go for it. Consider what she has at risk by entering into this adventure. Possibly more than you do.

 

Peewee

[Gef]

You snooze you lose.

AMEN!!       
--


[/quote]Yea, sure, say AMEN!!  to all the sorry souls who have been raped in divorce courts because they jumped before thinking. As I said before, I'd rather "snoze" and lose out at the begining than lose everything at the end of a divorce. I have known many of these personally. Maybe you were just lucky. Think about it.

[dwfunk]

You snooze you lose.

[size="3"][size="2"]AMEN!!   [/size]     [size="1"][/size] [/size][/quote]Yea, sure, say AMEN!!  to all the sorry souls who have been raped in divorce courts because they jumped before thinking. As I said before, I'd rather "snoze" and lose out at the begining than lose everything at the end of a divorce. I have known many of these personally. Maybe you were just lucky. Think about it.[/quote]
Texas Fathers for Equal Rights, Wives and Grandparents Coalition, Inc., Executive Director, Legal Liaison, 19 years. 

I have thought about it, often.

99.99999999999 % of those so called victims, including me the first go-around were un-informed, un-educated idiots and did not get raped by the system, they got what they had coming to them due to their lack of preparedness and their lack of knowledge in both areas, marriage and the divorce.  Snooze and you will lose.  You must be proactive and learn about relationships, and particularly about ones self.  Most of us are just plain lucky, because we don't know ourselves and we just accidentally happen to fall into a relationship that works.  If you don't know yourself then you will never know your mate or potential mate.

"[size="-1"]Date...or Soul Mate? How To Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing In Two  Dates Or Less"  by Dr. Neil Clark Warren

[/size]You should read it.  It works.

--
David & Natalia
Republic of Texas/Moscow, Russia
http://www.davidandnataliafunk.org/
http://www.russianwomanwiki.net/

.

[PeeWee]

You snooze you lose.

AMEN!!       
--


[/quote]Yea, sure, say AMEN!!  to all the sorry souls who have been raped in divorce courts because they jumped before thinking. As I said before, I'd rather "snoze" and lose out at the begining than lose everything at the end of a divorce. I have known many of these personally. Maybe you were just lucky. Think about it.[/quote]
Gef, same can happen if you marry a woman from your country. What you do is get a prenuptual agreement. I was just talking to a business customer of mine about this yesterday. He is a single man and a lawyer. Prenuptaul is the only way he says and a good lawyer, one for her and one for you will solve all of these problems. The only other downside that you might incure is that the Fed might ask you to pay her the minimum cost of of living for the next 10 years. But that usually does not happen either. According to an immigaration lawyer, who is a Russian by the way, so do not tell me that it does happen with any regularity because according to her seldom to divorced foreign women see that status because most have jobs by the time the divorce comes to past.

I see no more risk to this than if you would marry a woman from your own country. In my State we have community property but that does not even come into  the picture unless you have it. Meaning if you own the house before the marriage then she moves and you stay.

Peewee