Divorce

[andalusia246]

I am married to a lady from near Ukraine.We have been married for over three years. It is truly been like riding a roller coaster. Up and down, but mostly down. She has been verbally abusive to me and my kids and has even  hurt me a couple a few times. I have stayed with her because of fear of failure and because I love her son. She stop sleeping in our  bed months ago and has been unfaithful to me. She started sleeping away from me after her paperwork was mailed for 10 year visa. She just received her visa last week.I realize I should have divorced her before she obtained her visa. My question is about the affidavit of support that I signed. Do I really have to support her for 10 years or till she is a US citizen if she is unfaithful?  My mom was dying of stage IV cancer and told her she did not want her at our house because it was too small. Mom died about 2 months later. Will the government sue me if she goes on welfare or using any of these programs?

Thanks

[calmissile]

Wow!  Great question that many of us should learn the answers to before marrying a FSU woman.
Out of curiosity, what are your ages and the age of the child?
By unfaithful, do you man she is sleeping around, or found a new lover?
Did this activity start after she filed for the 10 year visa or before?
Sorry to ask such personal questions, but it is rare to hear about the failures in real time.

I assume you did not have a pre-nup agreement in advance?

Would she accept an immediate trip back to her home country?  If so, I would offer it even if you have to borrow the money.  Just make sure she gets on the plane.  LOL

You can do the divorce later.

[GQBlues]

First and foremost, damage control, man. Get an attorney if necessary. It is in your best interest to be as civil as possible not least of which because there are children involved.

If you can divorce with as minimal financial and emotional toll, better get it done that way. Then put it behind you ASAP.

(Technically, you are, and should be, responsible for their well-being based on your signed affidavit of support. You're not hinting 'we' should be held responsible for your decisions you made now, are you?  Obamacare and 40 million illegal immigrants and social leeches within our system is enough.)

Anyway, I haven't heard the government banging on anyone's door due to the affidavit of support - yet - though they really should. But this shouldn't really change anything especially, like you said, you care for the boy and it was your decision to yank them out of their home and country, so best you see this whole thing through.

The marriage didn't work. Better just end it amicably with absolutely NO spite and hurtful actions from either of you. That'll be in everyone's best interest, including you. It doesn't matter if she has 10 lovers and a dozen boyfriends. Wish her luck, look ahead and just walk a straight line. For the kid's sake, help wherever and whenever you can.

Good luck.

[Faux Pas]

First and foremost, damage control, man. Get an attorney if necessary. It is in your best interest to be as civil as possible not least of which because there are children involved.

If you can divorce with as minimal financial and emotional toll, better get it done that way. Then put it behind you ASAP.

(Technically, you are, and should be, responsible for their well-being based on your signed affidavit of support. You're not hinting 'we' should be held responsible for your decisions you made now, are you?  Obamacare and 40 million illegal immigrants and social leeches within our system is enough.)

Anyway, I haven't heard the government banging on anyone's door due to the affidavit of support - yet - though they really should. But this shouldn't really change anything especially, like you said, you care for the boy and it was your decision to yank them out of their home and country, so best you see this whole thing through.

The marriage didn't work. Better just end it amicably with absolutely NO spite and hurtful actions from either of you. That'll be in everyone's best interest, including you. It doesn't matter if she has 10 lovers and a dozen boyfriends. Wish her luck, look ahead and just walk a straight line. For the kid's sake, help wherever and whenever you can.

Good luck.

+1

Good stuff here. Andalusia, as bad as things seem right at this moment, they can be much worse. Yeah, you are on the hook for her support if she draws any but, as mentioned it might not be pursued. Move quickly for an amicable divorce if it is imminent. Forget her Green card status. That's between her and the USCIS. Don't attempt to get involved. Get a lawyer, protect yourself and your children

[newjason]

I am married to a lady from near Ukraine.We have been married for over three years. It is truly been like riding a roller coaster. Up and down, but mostly down. She has been verbally abusive to me and my kids and has even  hurt me a couple a few times. I have stayed with her because of fear of failure and because I love her son. She stop sleeping in our  bed months ago and has been unfaithful to me. She started sleeping away from me after her paperwork was mailed for 10 year visa. She just received her visa last week.I realize I should have divorced her before she obtained her visa. My question is about the affidavit of support that I signed. Do I really have to support her for 10 years or till she is a US citizen if she is unfaithful?  My mom was dying of stage IV cancer and told her she did not want her at our house because it was too small. Mom died about 2 months later. Will the government sue me if she goes on welfare or using any of these programs?

Thanks

The affidavit of support is a contract and a promise that is leagally enforcable for the full ten years. Just like a marriage is a contract.
You need an attorney now.
That means today.

You married a damaged woman, and you can't change the past. It is what it is, but from today foward, Like GQ said, you need a damage control expert.

The affidavit of support is primarily for keeping her from going on any sort of government support programs and Child support.
So, yes, you are responsible from them both.
don't stoop to her level and become verbally abusive or even un kind. Set an example for the kids, They will base their adult lives on what happens with you and your wife, and how you handle yourselves.
Keep that in mind at all times.
This is going to hard and you need an attounrey.
If she has been abusive, be very very carefull, if she should call the police and claim you did something to her or the kids,  well.. 
that would be very very bad.

[noelscot]

I am married to a lady from near Ukraine.We have been married for over three years. It is truly been like riding a roller coaster. Up and down, but mostly down. She has been verbally abusive to me and my kids and has even  hurt me a couple a few times. I have stayed with her because of fear of failure and because I love her son. She stop sleeping in our  bed months ago and has been unfaithful to me. She started sleeping away from me after her paperwork was mailed for 10 year visa. She just received her visa last week.I realize I should have divorced her before she obtained her visa. My question is about the affidavit of support that I signed. Do I really have to support her for 10 years or till she is a US citizen if she is unfaithful?  My mom was dying of stage IV cancer and told her she did not want her at our house because it was too small. Mom died about 2 months later. Will the government sue me if she goes on welfare or using any of these programs?

Thanks

You need to get lawyered-up, man. Then do exactly what he tells you to do.


Also, if you find yourself being questioned by the police about alleged DV, tell the police "I have nothing to say." NEVER, EVER talk to the police. Let an attorney do all the talking.


Good luck.

[SMS60]

First off, Hope she is not on some forum like " russian-fiance". If so they are telling her to cut your balls off and then go for your juggler. If you don't think so go read the advice.

I have researched this affidavit of support document in the past. Like GQ stated I have not found any cases of this being enforced. First she would have to receive "means tested benefits" of something. Its hard to get some of the hand outs without jumping through a hundred hoops. Most actually say to be eligible you have to be a resident for 5 years to qualify which seems to negate the affidavit of support.

Most judges cant grant this at divorce hearing unless the federal goverment brings a case against you. This is highly unlikely and would happen only after she receives any benefits. Can you say years down the road?

So, this would be the last thing I would worry about at the moment.

[LiveFromUkraine]

I am married to a lady from near Ukraine.We have been married for over three years. It is truly been like riding a roller coaster. Up and down, but mostly down. She has been verbally abusive to me and my kids and has even  hurt me a couple a few times. I have stayed with her because of fear of failure and because I love her son. She stop sleeping in our  bed months ago and has been unfaithful to me. She started sleeping away from me after her paperwork was mailed for 10 year visa. She just received her visa last week.I realize I should have divorced her before she obtained her visa. My question is about the affidavit of support that I signed. Do I really have to support her for 10 years or till she is a US citizen if she is unfaithful?  My mom was dying of stage IV cancer and told her she did not want her at our house because it was too small. Mom died about 2 months later. Will the government sue me if she goes on welfare or using any of these programs?

Thanks

I wouldn't worry about the affidavit of support.  Sure you could be on the hook but it is very little money.  If she is working, that will be deducted from what is owed.  You are talking just above poverty level so chances are she will be making more money then that.

Definitely get a divorce quickly.  If you can, separate yourself as much as possible from her.  Do not live under the same roof if possible.  Do no see her, do not talk to her.  Go through your lawyer for all contact!

Don't worry about if she stays or not.  It doesn't matter now. 

[Gator]

Sorry to hear about your divorce. 
 
Regarding the affidavit of support, does she have a job?   
 
I would think  RW with their survivor instincts would not break the marriage unless they had a backup plan.   However, in your case her "lover" may have second thoughts about supporting her and seeing her everyday.   
 
I doubt any RW would allow her life to sink so low to 1) qualify for Section 8 housing and 2) then move into Section 8 housing.   Returning to Ukraine is better than Section 8.   
 
Food stamps?  Maybe.  Again, my guess is that most RW have enough pride to not sit in the office and prove they qualify. 
 
Unemployment benefits?  Most likely she would apply if eligible.  But these are limited in duration.   
 
Healthcare expenses?  That is a different matter.  If she does not have insurance and has a major hospitalization and surgery, some accountant somewhere will look for someone to pay.   Who knows what Obamacare provides?   Be concerned about healthcare.   So if you hire a hit man, make sure the hit man is competent and will do the job to a quick completion and not send her to a hospital.  It is probably too late for you to invite her for a deep-sea fishing trip.

[calmissile]

Sorry to hear about your divorce. 
 
Regarding the affidavit of support, does she have a job?   
 
I would think  RW with their survivor instincts would not break the marriage unless they had a backup plan.   However, in your case her "lover" may have second thoughts about supporting her and seeing her everyday.   
 
I doubt any RW would allow her life to sink so low to 1) qualify for Section 8 housing and 2) then move into Section 8 housing.   Returning to Ukraine is better than Section 8.   
 
Food stamps?  Maybe.  Again, my guess is that most RW have enough pride to not sit in the office and prove they qualify. 
 
Unemployment benefits?  Most likely she would apply if eligible.  But these are limited in duration.   
 
Healthcare expenses?  That is a different matter.  If she does not have insurance and has a major hospitalization and surgery, some accountant somewhere will look for someone to pay.   Who knows what Obamacare provides?   Be concerned about healthcare.   So if you hire a hit man, make sure the hit man is competent and will do the job to a quick completion and not send her to a hospital.  It is probably too late for you to invite her for a deep-sea fishing trip.

Gator,

We might disagree a little on this one.  It sounds to me like a GCG and used him as a mule to get her to the US.  If that is the case, I doubt she has any pride in the first place.  You are assuming she is normal and not in the 20% group of psychologically damaged FSU women.

What happened to that idea FSUW will hang on to you for life, be faithful, etc.  Doesn't sound like it in this case.  She has only been here 3 years if I read the Op's statements correctly.

I would be more concerned about her request for support at the divorce proceedings.  I can just imagine how the trascript will read...

"Your honor, my clients husband lured her away from all of her family and friends in her country.  She has lost her support group and is destitute in this strange land.  Due to her lack of English skills and lack of marketable skills, she cannot be expected to find employment.  It is necessary for her husband to provide support for her and her son until she can learn the language and be trained for a well paying job.   She has always wanted to be a brain surgeon.  We think 10 years of support is barely adaquate to put this poor destitute woman on her feet"

This is not fantasy, at least in California courts of the past.  I went through a divorce that lasted longer than 3 years and was called into court almost monthly for one excuse or another.  While sitting and waiting to hear your case called, you get to witness all kinds of cases and play acting by the husbands and wives.  For the most part, the husbands are on the loosing end so it was the wives that come into court with the most crazy, bizarre stories.  I can remember a couple of cases where I saw women out with their new boyfriends or other women all dolled up looking like a million bucks drinking the night away at a club.  When she comes to court her attorney has her in rags, hair not done, no makeup and looking almost homeless.  Some judges buy into it, others are smart enough to see through it.

Since she just got her 10 year visa, it does not sound like she is anxious to return to Russia.

Our Op needs to find a GOOD lawyer, preferably someone that has handled these kind of cases before.  There might even be some leverage the Op has with INS.  It would be nice as someone suggests that this can be handled peacefully and fair to both parties.  I would not count on it!  Her behavior so far does not suggest that she has this kind of mindset.

[Ade]

Gator,

We might disagree a little on this one.  It sounds to me like a GCG and used him as a mule to get her to the US.  If that is the case, I doubt she has any pride in the first place.  You are assuming she is normal and not in the 20% group of psychologically damaged FSU women.

What happened to that idea FSUW will hang on to you for life, be faithful, etc.  Doesn't sound like it in this case.  She has only been here 3 years if I read the Op's statements correctly.

I would be more concerned about her request for support at the divorce proceedings.  I can just imagine how the trascript will read...

"Your honor, my clients husband lured her away from all of her family and friends in her country.  She has lost her support group and is destitute in this strange land.  Due to her lack of English skills and lack of marketable skills, she cannot be expected to find employment.  It is necessary for her husband to provide support for her and her son until she can learn the language and be trained for a well paying job.   She has always wanted to be a brain surgeon.  We think 10 years of support is barely adaquate to put this poor destitute woman on her feet"

This is not fantasy, at least in California courts of the past.  I went through a divorce that lasted longer than 3 years and was called into court almost monthly for one excuse or another.  While sitting and waiting to hear your case called, you get to witness all kinds of cases and play acting by the husbands and wives.  For the most part, the husbands are on the loosing end so it was the wives that come into court with the most crazy, bizarre stories.  I can remember a couple of cases where I saw women out with their new boyfriends or other women all dolled up looking like a million bucks drinking the night away at a club.  When she comes to court her attorney has her in rags, hair not done, no makeup and looking almost homeless.  Some judges buy into it, others are smart enough to see through it.

Since she just got her 10 year visa, it does not sound like she is anxious to return to Russia.

Our Op needs to find a GOOD lawyer, preferably someone that has handled these kind of cases before.  There might even be some leverage the Op has with INS.  It would be nice as someone suggests that this can be handled peacefully and fair to both parties.  I would not count on it!  Her behavior so far does not suggest that she has this kind of mindset.

There are exceptions but, generally, people tend to get what they bargained for.


The main thing from here on out is to protect the kids from as much harm as is absolutely possible even if it means that he has to swallow a huge amount of pride. They will be hurt though; all kids that go through a divorce are to a greater or lesser degree. It's why people who do this should be incredibly careful when whey opt to marry someone they don't know and can hardly communicate with and that goes double when there are children involved.

[TheTraveler]

very sad to hear this, andalusia246.

i second calmissile's advice above.

[noelscot]

There are exceptions but, generally, people tend to get what they bargained for.


The main thing from here on out is to protect the kids from as much harm as is absolutely possible even if it means that he has to swallow a huge amount of pride. They will be hurt though; all kids that go through a divorce are to a greater or lesser degree. It's why people who do this should be incredibly careful when whey opt to marry someone they don't know and can hardly communicate with and that goes double when there are children involved.

Hey what is with this stuff about be classy and whatnot during the whole process? Self-preservation is the highest law, and things are probably going to get worse for the guy. If he shows one iota of weakness this irrawatty cobra is going to bow up and strike. As for the children, they're not even his biological stock, not going to carry on his genes or anything, but rather side with their mother on everything as a default. Legally, he should fulfill his obligations to whomever, but he might not be able to be Mr. Nice Guy during what is a real shitty thing-divorce. I've seen it from the child's perspective and wish it upon no one. If he can be classy that'd be ideal, but reality is a bitch.

[Faux Pas]

Hey what is with this stuff about be classy and whatnot during the whole process? Self-preservation is the highest law, and things are probably going to get worse for the guy. If he shows one iota of weakness this irrawatty cobra is going to bow up and strike. As for the children, they're not even his biological stock, not going to carry on his genes or anything, but rather side with their mother on everything as a default. Legally, he should fulfill his obligations to whomever, but he might not be able to be Mr. Nice Guy during what is a real shitty thing-divorce. I've seen it from the child's perspective and wish it upon no one. If he can be classy that'd be ideal, but reality is a bitch.

"His kids, her son" "I love her son" I believe is the way he put it. That would indicate to me that they have separate children and no common.

His ability to stay classy is going to depend largely on her. If she escalates, he might be forced to. His best bet is to lawyer up and walk the thin gray line, protect his children and what he can of his assets. "Try" to stay classy and the nice guy here would be his best course of action. IMHO

[fathertime]

Hey what is with this stuff about be classy and whatnot during the whole process? Self-preservation is the highest law, and things are probably going to get worse for the guy. If he shows one iota of weakness this irrawatty cobra is going to bow up and strike. As for the children, they're not even his biological stock, not going to carry on his genes or anything, but rather side with their mother on everything as a default. Legally, he should fulfill his obligations to whomever, but he might not be able to be Mr. Nice Guy during what is a real shitty thing-divorce. I've seen it from the child's perspective and wish it upon no one. If he can be classy that'd be ideal, but reality is a bitch.

I agree with Noelscot on this one.  In a divorce it is nice if you can be 'classy' and a 'nice guy' but I wouldn't make it a huge priority.  If the OP wants to be a nice guy, well then I'm pretty sure this lady will make him pay for the privilege. 


Fathertime! 

[Admin]

Divorce proceedings in this country are largely a crap-shoot. At least here in Colorado, many of the decisions are made by jurists that lack fundamental understanding of the statutes. That said, there are some jurists who are informed and well-reasoned. I know of one recent case involving a UW spouse of an AM with a very short marriage and the judge was outstanding - in fact, citing the Affidavit of Support requirements as a factor in his decision on temporary orders.

It has been my experience that when children are involved, most jurists will lean heavily in favor of protecting the children - as they should. This cuts against either/both interests of the parents no matter the gender, if they are not similarly interested in protection of the children. The gender bias against men enters into the equation because women typically do a much better job (as in, more credible with the Court) in presenting themselves as protecting the children. Coupled with the traditional role that the mother is the primary caregiver and it leads to the possibility of the Court favoring the woman's position over the man's - though this is malleable and can be managed once it is understood what the 'driver' is - and that 'driver' is the jurist's concern for the welfare of the children.

The OP would be well-advised to seek legal counsel from an attorney expert in the field of family law in his specific jurisdiction. My bet is that the Affidavit of Support *will* be a factor to some extent - and the Court will be primarily focused on the welfare of any children involved. To the extent the OP is acting to protect those children - even if not his natural children, he should be rewarded (at least, somewhat) by the Court.

- Da

[noelscot]

"His kids, her son" "I love her son" I believe is the way he put it. That would indicate to me that they have separate children and no common.

His ability to stay classy is going to depend largely on her. If she escalates, he might be forced to. His best bet is to lawyer up and walk the thin gray line, protect his children and what he can of his assets. "Try" to stay classy and the nice guy here would be his best course of action. IMHO

In the main, look out for blood relatives first. I do generally agree that it is best to try to be classy, but first things first. Look out for número UNO and his blood children.

[Faux Pas]

In the main, look out for blood relatives first. I do generally agree that it is best to try to be classy, but first things first. Look out for número UNO and his blood children.

We are in agreement 

[TheTraveler]

In the main, look out for blood relatives first. I do generally agree that it is best to try to be classy, but first things first. Look out for número UNO and his blood children.

i completely agree.
 
who needs to consider what's best for her son?  --- her and the biological father.  or perhaps one of the other guys she's been banging on the side?
 
after the dust has settled and the judge/court has spoken, the op is always free to help her son, if he chooses.  but until then, i'd fight to make sure nothing is officially required.

[BC]

How old is her son?

These things usually affect the kids involved a lot more than one would think.  Regardless of age, a good heart to heart is in order stressing that the child bears no fault in the demise of the relationship and should not affect an ongoing father/child relationship if the child so desires.

[Gator]

The OP asked questions about the AOS.  I responded only to the AOS issue.  Most posters are embracing the divorce and its implications.   I did not address the divorce.
 
Each state is different.   I will talk about Florida and what would likely happen.   In Florida the OP would be responsible to continue her support while married, which would include all time until a divorce is granted by a judge.   Thus, as long as this drags out in court proceedings, he must pay temporary support.  This would include housing, food, clothing, medical, transportation,...and attorney fees.  The state has guidelines on how much he would pay based on his income, her income and her needs.
 
As part of  a divorce, the issues of child support, alimony, and marital assets will be decided.    The OP is not liable to support the child unless he adopted the child.   In Florida three years is too short of a marriage to receive alimony.  So I see that he would have no continuing liability.   

As part of the divorce, the OP and his wife would divide any jointly owned property.  Also, they would divide marital assets, particularly any net increase over the length of the marriage.    Personal assets either party had before marriage would be protected unless the assets were comingled.
 
So, I do not see him on the hook for much.  However,  he would probably  offer some settlement to conclude the matter (stop paying her temporary support and her attorney fees).
 
The OP mentioned that she moved out upon filing for her "10 year visa."   Presumably this was the removal of conditions for her permanent resident visa.  I understand that a RW need not live in a bad marriage for 2+ years until the conditions are removed.  A RW can divorce while still in the conditional status and still have her conditions removed provided she can prove she entered the marriage in good faith. 
 
 

[andalusia246]

Her son will soon be 7 years old. She has a temp job in banking making about 15.00 dollars and hour. The job is suppose to be permanent around February because she will have been there 18 months. Thanks so much for your advice

[kmin]

There are only two pieces of advice I can think of;

In divorce...  only the lawyers come out with the money, and the woman usually get a big chunk if anything is left

If she starts to become physical with you at all.... RUN AWAY and call the cops.  Even if it is just a shove.. Don't hang around and get caught up in a domestic.

[calmissile]

Her son will soon be 7 years old. She has a temp job in banking making about 15.00 dollars and hour. The job is suppose to be permanent around February because she will have been there 18 months. Thanks so much for your advice

What state do you live in?

[Jumper]

I am married to a lady from near Ukraine.We have been married for over three years. It is truly been like riding a roller coaster. Up and down, but mostly down. She has been verbally abusive to me and my kids and has even  hurt me a couple a few times.

physically hurt you?
Sounds like a very bad relationship all around.

Truly sorry.

I have stayed with her because of fear of failure and because I love her son. She stop sleeping in our  bed months ago and has been unfaithful to me. She started sleeping away from me after her paperwork was mailed for 10 year visa. She just received her visa last week.I realize I should have divorced her before she obtained her visa.

Perhaps you mean her ten year permanent resident card,(green card)
verses the temporary conditional green card she had prior?
(conditional on marriage)

As gator mentioned she could have divorced you prior, and still filed for an adjustment of status as lng as she entered the marriage with good intent.
(its very hard to prove otherwise and the USCIS generally doesn't have time to look into it )

My question is about the affidavit of support that I signed. Do I really have to support her for 10 years or till she is a US citizen if she is unfaithful?

You should be speaking with a divorce attorney and one familiar with immigration law as well?

If you don't have copies of it, I'd Google the AoS document, and read what you signed.
It is fairly clear what you would and wouldn't be responsible for, and the terms or situation that would end your responsibilities.
you petitioned ,is based on your willingness to support , to be sure the immigrant doesn't become a burden on society, outlined in the AoS
  The petition doesn't have a clause  for *if things don't work out for whatever reason* , that  the petitioner is let off of their agreement .So her indiscretions simply do not factor in.

What factors in as far as AoS, is whether she went on some government means ,by any of the aos's definitions of that. and how a divorce judge would look at what you originally agreed to ,in  petitioning to bring her here.

My mom was dying of stage IV cancer and told her she did not want her at our house because it was too small. Mom died about 2 months later. Will the government sue me if she goes on welfare or using any of these programs?

Sorry to hear about your mothers passing,and sorry your spouse wasn't supportive.

Will the government sue you,or garnish wages,  if she goes on government support in some fashion?
likely no, its seems rare.
but could they?
I would think yes? and have every legal right to?
Read the AoS you agreed to ,and signed.


It sounds like you were and are in a very bad relationship, and divorce is hard on everyone.
Still it beats the heck out of remaining in a bad and even abusive relationship.
Try and count your blessings that its ended now and you can move forward in life?
There is no need to think you *should have* divorced her before her GC.
why?it would not get you off the hook support wise,which seems your biggest concern.
it would not effect her ability to get a permanent GC at all, in most cases anyway.and her immigration status,  should be the least of your concerns at this point regardless.You were married several years, some marriages simply dont work out, but were generally entered into with good intent.It's a slam dunk for her in any such immigration hearing. just move on.
It would not do you any good one way or another, so free your mind from this?
Let her move on and wish her good luck,all while moving forward with your own life.
Help her child emotionally etc, if he has bonded with you and you want to still be in the role of
father figure. It sounds like that might be very hard in a case if the mother doesn't want this and has been abusive to you in the past.

good luck!