Time to get serious

[DTEJD]

Hey all:


I've finally come to the conclusion that it is time to get serious...


Let me say "HI" and introduce myself, and make some observations...


I've just turned 42.  I figure that if I'm to get married and start a family, now is the time to get serious and get started.


I originally heard about foreign brides in the late 90's.  I investigated it somewhat and thought about it, but I was not in any position to do much about it.


As the years passed, I've gotten back on track.  I passed my professional certifications.  I got caught up on my student loans, and paid them down.  I have a retirement account (not enough, but a decent start).  I have a nest egg and investments.  I've made a lot of progress.


I finally came to the conclusion that if I wait for everything to be perfect, I might never get started!


I've made a few observations lately...


A). The standard of living in FSU countries has probably gone up.  The standard of living in the USA is/has gone down.  I think there is slightly less incentive for women to come to the USA.


B). The USA has made it more difficult for men to marry foreign women.


C). There is a tremendous rise in "professional daters".  This is especially apparent with some of the larger dating sites.  If a woman is Playboy playmate beautiful, why does she need to come to the USA?  The cream of the crop in any country will probably always have opportunities in their home country.


D). If you get married, you have to be able to support your new wife.  Support financially of course, but also be able to give of your time, be able to be VERY patient, have a support system set up to help her.   You will have to invest a lot of time in her transition.


E). The process is very difficult, but not impossible.


Any input would be appreciated.  I'll be making more posts in the future.


Thanks!

[Shadow]

A. Are you so insecure of what you have to offer that you need to use economic leverage to 'buy' a wife ?

B. Not exactly. It has become more difficult to marry a foreign woman based on using economic leverage.

C. No. Due to economy going down the amount of professional daters might actually have dropped, as there are still enough rich men in the FSU to accomodate them.

D. Depends on your expectations of what a wife should do, and her skills in English as well as professional. But spending time with your wife should not be a task.

E. Though for some that statement can be reversed.

[Anotherkiwi]

   DTEJD!
 
The standard of living in Russia, especially the big cities, certainly seemed to have gone up between my visits.  In Ukraine, however, based on what most members post, it has gone down (I've only been there once, so can't compare from my own experience).
 
However, your observations seem pretty much in line with the majority of posts on this board.
 
You obviously don't need anyone's help! 

[DTEJD]

Mr. Shadow:


Buy a wife?  I wasn't aware such things existed these days.


*I have been accused of many things, but being insecure is not one of them!


*How do you figure it IS NOT more difficult for a US resident to marry a foreign woman and bring her to the USA?  Specifically, the legislation that was passed requiring background checks of US nationals for sex crimes & criminal convictions, amongst a myriad of other things...


*As to "professional daters", I am largely referring to the largest agency that has very beautiful women that you pay to chat with, or pay to have ANY communications with.  They are largely interested in getting paid, not having relationships with foreign men.  I was shocked that there appear to be hundreds & hundreds, perhaps even thousands of these women.


*Even if your prospective wife is fluent in English, she will be separated from family, friends, and culture.  She will be in a new culture.  I imagine that would be very difficult for anyone to do.


Helping her adjust would be a labor of love, a substantial investment in money, time, efforts, and emotion.  How could it be otherwise?  If you aren't prepared/set up to do this, I would expect you would almost certainly fail.


I didn't just reach these conclusions on my own, I had some amount of help reading this board over the years!


So Mr. Shadow, I thank you for the warm welcome and look forward to more discussions!

[Shadow]

Mr. Shadow:


Buy a wife?  I wasn't aware such things existed these days.


*I have been accused of many things, but being insecure is not one of them!

Then you might stop considering the economic leverage as a factor in finding a wife. As long as you believe someone would marry you because you are a rich guy with a blue passport, you are attempting to buy.

*How do you figure it IS NOT more difficult for a US resident to marry a foreign woman and bring her to the USA?  Specifically, the legislation that was passed requiring background checks of US nationals for sex crimes & criminal convictions, amongst a myriad of other things...

IF you do not have those, what is so hard in completing a form ?

*As to "professional daters", I am largely referring to the largest agency that has very beautiful women that you pay to chat with, or pay to have ANY communications with.  They are largely interested in getting paid, not having relationships with foreign men.  I was shocked that there appear to be hundreds & hundreds, perhaps even thousands of these women.

Or perhaps it is a team of no more than 10 people making thousands of profiles? But yes, on the tens of thousands of women you are bound to have some bad apples.

*Even if your prospective wife is fluent in English, she will be separated from family, friends, and culture.  She will be in a new culture.  I imagine that would be very difficult for anyone to do.

Helping her adjust would be a labor of love, a substantial investment in money, time, efforts, and emotion.  How could it be otherwise?  If you aren't prepared/set up to do this, I would expect you would almost certainly fail.


I didn't just reach these conclusions on my own, I had some amount of help reading this board over the years!


So Mr. Shadow, I thank you for the warm welcome and look forward to more discussions!

You are welcome, I am just trying to get the agency hype and possible other ideas that may obstruct your search in the future out of the way.

Finding a wife in the FSU is no different from anywhere else. It is all up to you and how open you really are to let someone in to your life.

[jone]

DTEDJ,

You missed the most obvious function of the dating process.  You have to fall in love.  Many of the women in FSU countries are inclined to marry someone older then themselves if, as you say, you can offer them a home, a family and financial security.  I was recently in the Ukraine and I spent some time with a young couple and we talked about their marriage and those women who would consider marrying someone from abroad.

Dasha, the young lady, told me again and again, that there are women with stars in their eyes about a better life overseas.  Her observation was that these women would not be happy no matter where they were.  She then advised me, and I was not looking for a woman at this time, that if you fall in love, it does not matter where you are from.  You will make an effort and she will make an effort to be together.

If you are 42 and have never been married, I would assume that you either have had relationships with women and just not married them, or you have lived in an antiseptic environment that didn't include the prospect of marriage so you never fell in love.  It will be more difficult for you to find someone if you are the latter.

To fall in love, you need to have an open heart.  And you will probably wind up getting hurt a couple of times before you get your bride. 

Good luck.

-j

[newjason]

 DTEJD

Hi. I''m Jason.
Welcome to RWD.

Your first post makes many statements.
Some maybe facts, some maybe myths.
For sure all of them are irrelevant when it comes down to starting a family.

I am going to be quite blunt with you , so undertand that, and take no offense from the tone of this post. I am not trying to bust your balls, I simply want to know some things more about you.
Ok,
with that said..


May I ask, why have you waited so long to start looking to get married?

Have you been married before?

Honestly, the time to get serious has passed by a while ago If you believe all the studies and such.

So, when you made the decision that "it's time " .. why are you immediately thinking of going to the FSU?

Вы говорить на русском?

Are there no women where you live?

What is your experience level with women?

Here is something you did not read about.. and since you want to get serious,
here it is

Many women believe ,
If you are over 40+ years old and never been married....
...you have a problem with stability and commitments...
...you are too set in your ways to be flexible enough to stay married...
..you are incompatible with women...
OR you have psychological problems..


Weather a woman will admit this outright, that maybe up for debate. But, it's going to be an obstacle for you should you pursue a FSU marriage.

Unless of course you really do plan to buy a wife.
In that case , it won't be and issue.

And last I'd like to ask, what is it that you possess that makes you the top man to marry right now?
How will you convince eligible women that you are going to be a great life long partner?  You know, there are literally thousands of men going after these same girls.  What makes you stand out as "the one"?

Just curios,
and again,
Welcome 


Jason

[Vaughn]

Then you might stop considering the economic leverage as a factor in finding a wife. As long as you believe someone would marry you because you are a rich guy with a blue passport, you are attempting to buy.

As you've just witnessed, DT, it can be a tough audience here. FWIW, I don't agree with Shadow's assessment - but applaud you for your patience and due diligence in making yourself a viable candidate. Many have jumped right in frightfully unprepared, blinded by photos and agency hype. Good luck to you.

[Shadow]

As you've just witnessed, DT, it can be a tough audience here. FWIW, I don't agree with Shadow's assessment - but applaud you for your patience and due diligence in making yourself a viable candidate. Many have jumped right in frightfully unprepared, blinded by photos and agency hype. Good luck to you.

Let's make it clear that I am making the statement strong on purpose. I do not believe that DT fits the mold of 'shopping for a puppy', which I why I want to encourage him to drop the idea of using economic leverage at all.

For RW, who in spite of the improving sitution still are not used to regular travel abroad, the idea that someone can fly across the ocean just to meet them, and do so without destabilizing his finances, is enough to consider that man as a serious candidate if other things match. If it goes further than that and the RW are clearly looking to improve their life rather than finding someone to share it with, one must ask if there is enough common ground for the future.

[Slumba]

I think that the "economic exploitation" model is half-baked, in that it has a portion of truth but is not the whole truth.

Is there not an FSUW on this forum, that stated she was happy to be in (I think USA), because here women are valued and in FSU they are not?  So for her, it is a question of dignity more than dollars.

And maybe "values congruence" or even (a little cynically) "values exploitation" is in there also. The WM wants a woman, and the FSUW is more culturally / values-oriented towards having a man.

But, WTH do I know, I haven't been there yet...

[DTEJD]

Hey all:

WTH!  The computer ate my masterful response!

Yes, indeed it is a tough crowd here.  I think it is better to have a "tough" crowd than a push over crowd.  As the saying goes, you don't get better by playing against weaker opponents.

Perhaps I came across on the wrong foot.  I am here to discuss technical issues, or "nuts & bolts".  I actually do have a personality, but it is difficult to discern across the computer screen.

Yes, I have gone a date before, actually, many of them.  Yes, I have been in long term relationships.  Some I screwed up, some I didn't...  Yes, I realize there should be "love" & "chemistry".  And finally, I don't think there is some form you fill out and your bride will be shipped to you in 4-6 weeks!

My personal situation is somewhat different...I got in with a bad crowd and got mixed up with "higher education".  It has taken me over a decade to recover from that ruinous decision.  Unfortunately, there are going to be many, many, many other people like me, I was just a bit ahead of the curve...

Relationships require TWO people to work at them, there has to be give & take.  Being in relationship is not a zero sum game.  The more you give, the more you get back.  Each partner should be supportive of the other. 

As to "economic leverage"...what woman wants to enter a relationship with a broke dude?  I am old fashioned and don't think a man should be getting married if he can't provide.  Sex is the biggest reason behind divorces, followed by financial issues, or do I have it reversed?

As to being set in my ways, surely I am.  Some issues such as morality, ethics, responsibilities (personal & professional) are largely "set in stone" and not subject to interpretation or compromise.

Personal issues of: how to decorate the house, what to eat for dinner, what TV or movies to watch, books to read, how & when to exercise, pets to have...I'm pretty flexible on.  I have preferences of course.  I don't much like gangster rap.  I don't like sushi. I don't like skydiving.   If a woman is a skydiving, "gangster rapper", with tattoos, we are not meant for each other!

Obviously, there are women where I am at.  However, the amount of eligible women is very small.  I do not meet many through work.  Church has very few...

I have preferences in what I find appealing...I DON'T like tattoos.  I would not want to date a woman with several small children by different mens.  I like a woman who will wear tasteful makeup, skirts & dresses, etc.  There is a large city about 45 minutes away, that might have a better selection of women than my current location.  My lease is up at the beginning of the year and I hope to move.

As to "why now", I always thought things would get better & work itself out if I worked hard.  I'm tired of waiting.  I want to have a better life and am trying to make active changes to make that happen.

I thank all of you for the responses, and hope to get even more.

Till then, may you have good luck!

[Daveman]

Welcome to the Asylum, DTEDJD


Uh, how do you pronounce that?  Well at least it doesn't seem to have the African tongue click or Scandinavian super snort.  Though, sincerely speaking, I'd suggest buying a couple vowels..


My primary advice to anyone is -- have patience in every phase.  Don't be in a hurry.  Remain relaxed and enjoy it. 


Read as much as you can here - not because you need help with women but because there are distinct differences in mentality that manifest in bizarre and unexpected ways and often when you least expect it.


I can't really count the times I've thought to myself "where in the hell did you come up with THAT?", or after experiencing the manifestation enough, that sentence will be more efficiently rendered "WTF?????"


It's neither good nor bad, positive nor negative. It just it what it is, when it is and how it is.  My personal opinion of all of this is that it takes two very extraordinary individuals (treasures?) - each with an enormous desire to make this work to, well, make this work.  The vast overwhelming majority will ultimately fail.  The successes are the exception rather than the rule. 

[Eduard]

I've just turned 42.  I figure that if I'm to get married and start a family, now is the time to get serious and get started.

You have matured way ealier than I! I have only gotten to that point when I was 43   

[newjason]

Hey all:

WTH!  The computer ate my masterful response!

Yes, indeed it is a tough crowd here.  I think it is better to have a "tough" crowd than a push over crowd.  As the saying goes, you don't get better by playing against weaker opponents.

Perhaps I came across on the wrong foot.  I am here to discuss technical issues, or "nuts & bolts".  I actually do have a personality, but it is difficult to discern across the computer screen.

Yes, I have gone a date before, actually, many of them.  Yes, I have been in long term relationships.  Some I screwed up, some I didn't...  Yes, I realize there should be "love" & "chemistry".  And finally, I don't think there is some form you fill out and your bride will be shipped to you in 4-6 weeks!

My personal situation is somewhat different...I got in with a bad crowd and got mixed up with "higher education".  It has taken me over a decade to recover from that ruinous decision.  Unfortunately, there are going to be many, many, many other people like me, I was just a bit ahead of the curve...

Relationships require TWO people to work at them, there has to be give & take.  Being in relationship is not a zero sum game.  The more you give, the more you get back.  Each partner should be supportive of the other. 

As to "economic leverage"...what woman wants to enter a relationship with a broke dude?  I am old fashioned and don't think a man should be getting married if he can't provide.  Sex is the biggest reason behind divorces, followed by financial issues, or do I have it reversed?

As to being set in my ways, surely I am.  Some issues such as morality, ethics, responsibilities (personal & professional) are largely "set in stone" and not subject to interpretation or compromise.

Personal issues of: how to decorate the house, what to eat for dinner, what TV or movies to watch, books to read, how & when to exercise, pets to have...I'm pretty flexible on.  I have preferences of course.  I don't much like gangster rap.  I don't like sushi. I don't like skydiving.   If a woman is a skydiving, "gangster rapper", with tattoos, we are not meant for each other!

Obviously, there are women where I am at.  However, the amount of eligible women is very small.  I do not meet many through work.  Church has very few...

I have preferences in what I find appealing...I DON'T like tattoos.  I would not want to date a woman with several small children by different mens.  I like a woman who will wear tasteful makeup, skirts & dresses, etc.  There is a large city about 45 minutes away, that might have a better selection of women than my current location.  My lease is up at the beginning of the year and I hope to move.

As to "why now", I always thought things would get better & work itself out if I worked hard.  I'm tired of waiting.  I want to have a better life and am trying to make active changes to make that happen.

I thank all of you for the responses, and hope to get even more.

Till then, may you have good luck!

DTEJD
Hey
that's great that you know who you are , where you have been and know where you are going.
I can relate to the pitfalls of "higher education" and the occasional "too high" education as well.
It sounds you have your shit together so I say that you are OK in my view.
You know what you want, so One thing you should remember..
Do Not Compromise.
There will be a lot of temptation in this thing you are about to do.
things like , justifying your actions. 
Examples:
"well, she is not THAT much younger than I am"
or
"damn she is Rude, but she is so pretty"
You are most likely going to have to weed through a lot of riff raf before you will find a keeper.
Being flexible helps, but not to the point of being bent over...
(exception: some restrooms in Ukraine require being flexible if you are to be successful at doing your business)
You may not get that right now, but if you go, you will , trust me 
As for skydiving, I completely understand , it's not for everyone for sure.   That just leaves more gangsta Rapper, tattoo chicks for the rest of us...
FYI O dig the ones with the Pink, Green or Blue Hair too   
LOL

Thanks for the responses and again,  Welcome.

[Muzh]

 

[Dave13]

First, welcome to the board, just relax your going to get lots of advice. I waited until 45 before my first trip to Russia, it's a great adventure and you find a great lady, I did, been married to Anna for over 8 years. One point the ladies interest does increase if your plan on visiting soon, like 30 days, many of guys are just keyboard Romeo's, who just talk and talk.
Dave

[Muzh]

Hey all:

WTH!  The computer ate my masterful response!

Yes, indeed it is a tough crowd here.  I think it is better to have a "tough" crowd than a push over crowd.  As the saying goes, you don't get better by playing against weaker opponents.

Perhaps I came across on the wrong foot.  I am here to discuss technical issues, or "nuts & bolts".  I actually do have a personality, but it is difficult to discern across the computer screen.

Yes, I have gone a date before, actually, many of them.  Yes, I have been in long term relationships.  Some I screwed up, some I didn't...  Yes, I realize there should be "love" & "chemistry".  And finally, I don't think there is some form you fill out and your bride will be shipped to you in 4-6 weeks!

My personal situation is somewhat different...I got in with a bad crowd and got mixed up with "higher education".  It has taken me over a decade to recover from that ruinous decision.  Unfortunately, there are going to be many, many, many other people like me, I was just a bit ahead of the curve...

Relationships require TWO people to work at them, there has to be give & take.  Being in relationship is not a zero sum game.  The more you give, the more you get back.  Each partner should be supportive of the other. 

As to "economic leverage"...what woman wants to enter a relationship with a broke dude?  I am old fashioned and don't think a man should be getting married if he can't provide.  Sex is the biggest reason behind divorces, followed by financial issues, or do I have it reversed?

As to being set in my ways, surely I am.  Some issues such as morality, ethics, responsibilities (personal & professional) are largely "set in stone" and not subject to interpretation or compromise.

Personal issues of: how to decorate the house, what to eat for dinner, what TV or movies to watch, books to read, how & when to exercise, pets to have...I'm pretty flexible on.  I have preferences of course.  I don't much like gangster rap.  I don't like sushi. I don't like skydiving.   If a woman is a skydiving, "gangster rapper", with tattoos, we are not meant for each other!

Obviously, there are women where I am at.  However, the amount of eligible women is very small.  I do not meet many through work.  Church has very few...

I have preferences in what I find appealing...I DON'T like tattoos.  I would not want to date a woman with several small children by different mens.  I like a woman who will wear tasteful makeup, skirts & dresses, etc.  There is a large city about 45 minutes away, that might have a better selection of women than my current location.  My lease is up at the beginning of the year and I hope to move.

As to "why now", I always thought things would get better & work itself out if I worked hard.  I'm tired of waiting.  I want to have a better life and am trying to make active changes to make that happen.

I thank all of you for the responses, and hope to get even more.

Till then, may you have good luck!

Easy Dawg. You don't have to defend yourself to anyone.

Chill.

Great age to go. I was 43 when I went to meet my wife.

At your age, you have a lot of pickings. From late 20's to mid 30's and that's the age range of the real babes.

Just be smart about it.

If it is too good to be true, it is.

Be like a jet fighter pilot. Do everything to keep your blood up in your "head" so you don't make a fatal mistake.

Much advice and experience here that will help you tons.

Finally, these are women, not ETs. Just because they are from the former Soyuz doesn't mean they are green- or blue-colored, although that would be really cool. Treat them as such.

Bonne Chance