Interpreting RW behavior in long distance relationship.

[flitabout62]

I've been involved with a RW for about 10-11 months and have visited two times.  My post is really prompted from reading about other relationships and I would like to get impressions from others involved with RW. 
When we are together in person (total 35 days) we are both calm and relaxed and it's a very easy relationship.  When I'm back in the US we talk on Skye for hours (2-3 times a week) and SMS with some emails.  Our discussions are quite serious and we've discussed applying for a fiance visa and marriage.  Her personality is very composed and she seems to be the type of person who prefers someone else to initiate discussions, ask her questions about herself, etc.  This is the thing I question.  Is it reasonable to assume cultural and personality of the women with the fact that I need to initiate every SMS message or arrange a approximate day and time for Skye calls?  Maybe I'm using western women behavior  to evaluate this woman?  After all her personality is not as proactive and equal as in equal partnership, as my previous western relationships.  When we talk everything feels fine, she seems honest and open.  Just can't get a lot of specifics out of her when I ask her how day was.  She says it's her modesty, which is probably true. 
Any comments or experiences that can confirm that this is typical of some RW behavior?   
thxs

[Shadow]

You are a man, you have to behave like one.
That means its up to you to get things in motion and keep them going.
After 10-11 months and 2 visits its time to finish the deal.
If you wish to go forward, kick some dust. If not, you will finder he gradually losing interest.

[Faux Pas]

Nothing you've mentioned seems the least bit alarming to me. Sounds like she may be a bit on the demure side. This isn't a negative. Use the same radar with this woman that you use for any other woman East or West.

While you are apart you might want to establish a certain time of day/night for Skype communication. Get a bit of a routine for it. Just a suggestion

[Daveman]

This hasn't been my experience.  Many guys do mention that their girlfriends never send them anything first.  That was never the case with me.  We both (with every lady) sent messages or requests to meet at skype.  It was never one sided.  So, I guess experience varies...

[Eduard]

This hasn't been my experience.  Many guys do mention that their girlfriends never send them anything first.  That was never the case with me.  We both (with every lady) sent messages or requests to meet at skype.  It was never one sided.  So, I guess experience varies...

You have to just face it - you are very special man, Dave! But in my experience there are plenty of RW who behave the way the OP described it. It's normal.

[Lily]

I'd say that a number of RW would behave in a similar way, to let the man to take initiative and the lead. This can vary from the individual to an individual, though.
 

[Daveman]

You have to just face it - you are very special man, Dave!

Perhaps.. but hardly THAT special...

But in my experience there are plenty of RW who behave the way the OP described it. It's normal.

I didn't imply that it wasn't possible... I can understand it at the beginning, but after spending 35 days together and developing a relationship?  It just wasn't my experience.  I guess those I met weren't quite so traditional.. 

[Eduard]

Perhaps.. but hardly THAT special...




I didn't imply that it wasn't possible... I can understand it at the beginning, but after spending 35 days together and developing a relationship?

yes, it can go on for alot longer than 35 days... how does the lifetime sound?  ))

[calmissile]

  I do not find her behavior unusual or alarming.   I notice that it makes a difference how fluent the woman is in English.  I would not worry about this characteristic.  If she answers your questions and engages in conversation you are probably fine.   Due to language and cultural differences, it is sometimes awkward for them to initiate casual conversation.

Good luck on your continued quest.  I agree with an earlier post, it sounds like it's time to close the deal.  She might loose interest if you are not planning a wedding with some certainty as to a timeline.  Most FSU (serious) women I have had a relationship with wanted to see it progress to a conclusion and not sit in limbo wonderiing when the man will take control and propose marriage.

Just my experience.  There is no single FSU personality.  They can be as different as in any other culture.

[Eduard]

There is also the type of FSU woman who will make it practically a rule to ask you how you want something done while she already has made up her mind how it's going to be done  . No matter what your answer is it's going to be done the way she had decided to do before she even asked. Telling her: "Then why did you even bother to ask me in the first place?" is illogical. A logical man must know that he is dealing with a woman and a woman is always right! 

[calmissile]

There is also the type of FSU woman who will make it practically a rule to ask you how you want something done while she already has made up her mind how it's going to be done  . No matter what your answer is it's going to be done the way she had decided to do before she even asked. Telling her: "Then why did you even bother to ask me in the first place?" is illogical. A logical man must know that he is dealing with a woman and a woman is always right! 

+1

[Noch1]

Even when they are wrong they are right

[Eduard]

Even when they are wrong they are right

you have to face the facts, my good man! 

[newjason]

hey flitabout62,
how'sit going?
sounds like you have some concerns about her..

Is this lack of initiative on her part something that has recently developed , or has she kinda always been this way with you?

Let me ask you a few questions that may shed some light on your situation.

1. Has she/Does she ever write/call you just to say hi, or I'm thinking about you? Or, hi, call me
 Or are you always the one who calls, and texts?

2. Did you use an introduction service or dating site to meet?

3. Does she elaborate about her day? Like ..  "... the funniest thing happened today... "

4. Does she tell you about her friends?  Like ... "mg today  Luda said something so bad,  i was shocked"  ( and does she say  shocked  as -shock-  ed- )  

5. Does she tell her friends about you?
   
    a. Does she ask about your day, your family, anything about you?

4. Does she pay her own way to get to and from your meetings? Does she offer to pay her own way, or do you pay for everything?

5. Does she sometimes become very nervous or agitated when you ask her details about someone or something specific?

6. Does she ever not answer your calls or texts?

7. In the past meetings, has she shown any initiative at all as far as making plans, making accommodations, making sure you are ok?  things like that.

These answers should paint a little better picture of what is going on, an weather you need to be concerned or not.


thanks for posting  and welcome 

[Belvis]

Just can't get a lot of specifics out of her when I ask her how day was.     

My wife would not elaborate too in response on this question. Not everyone has a skill to talk about routine. If you're really interested to know how she spent a day you have to ask more specifically. Though in my experience a woman wonders more about how your feeling was, not a day.

[flitabout62]

The lack of initiative is something that's always been there.  The reason I posted was to get some responses because I do plan to move forward.  But I'm trying to keep a skeptical mindset so I really know what I'm getting and if it's the real deal - personality wise and intentions from her side. 
She has on a rare occasion (a couple of times) surprised me with a SMS first.  She's always available for Skye calls, and returns SMS messages -
I'd say she is honest and told me she started her ad on a dating site out of curiosity and entertainment, but later became serious with me.  Some of it was pressure from her mom to get serious with someone due to her age!
She says she is not a traditional RW and friends describe her as an independent thinker, although she admits she is very slow to make a decision.  She'll tell me stories about work friends in the past - just nothing too current.  She says nothing interesting has happened.  Her parents know about me and she says they accept her decision and just want her to be happy.  It's the same type of sentiment I'd expect from my family.   One thing is she lives with her sister who I've met and I stay with them.  In answering my question on seriousness, she states that she doesn't invite her friends to her apartment but she has me staying with her, so this should tell everything.  So basically,  I think she's the real deal... just wasn't exactly what I expected from reading on Russian culture, et al.      So this is why I'm here. 
No, I can't answer all of Newjason's questions positively.  But most of the questions are positive and she does openly discuss many things with me ... including wanting to raise children in an environment where they aren't subjected to corruption that her mom dealt with when she had her own business in the 90's to survive. 

[southernX]

bit of a contrast in some respects to the russian ladys i know , including my wife ,

after so many months and two visits , it seems you are still not sure ?
this should tell you something surely ?

if your still trying to guess how serious she is or the depth of her feelings , it says to me somethings not right , id trust it and ask her some of this directly ??see what she says ,

it could be she is also not sure going on your visits already and 10-11 months  you have been together , , are you engaged yet ?have you talked about something  more permanant ?

if not maybe she is holding back , thinking you are maybe not serious ?? it hasnt gone to the next level for her ? so she is still in reserve with her feelings maybe ?

what is the situation with her sister and mum /family ??   [yes she lives with sister , but who helps mum most ? ] who will look after  mum if she leaves with you in the future ?? maybe something to consider ?

it seems  a little unusual she doesnt talk about her daily occurences with work , family friends etc ,

if you are always initiating conversation ,??  it seems at some level you are finding this hard work already ??


maybe she is no meat no fish , not sure of what she wants ? or if she is ready to leave and take the next step , ?

for me if she was serious , id be concerned at her level of reciprocating information & intimacy going on what you have posted you are also concerned ,

what type of personality are you ??  do you need this higher response from a life partner ??[ are you comfortable with having to guess how she feels etc etc , or are you the type of guy who needs a lady to express herself better  ?
do you feel like you are the only one working this relationship always or most often ??

see for me if your having some doubts now about how you feel and guessing where she is at , if you where to move to the next stage and have her arrive in your home country without something changing  ?  culture shock and all the impacts of such a life change will make it very hard for you both , 

how is the  trust level between you both ??
are you exclusive to one another ?
are you both still active on websites or communicting with anyone else ??
is her salary ok -good ??  ie can she afford to communicate with you , as it does cost over time each month , ?? does she support mum /family ?  probly yes with money and time ?

do you feel like she values you ??  loves you ??that you are hers ??  ime , a russian /ukraine  women once she has captured you , you are hers, and you dont  need to guess about how she feels on most things she will let you know  while making you feel in control and the man  ,

has she had any previous negative experiences of WM ?
anything like  some guy letting  her down badly in the past ? it may give you some insights possibly ?


all may well be ok , it might just be her personality , if so can you live with her happily 24/7 ...forever  ??
that the key question for you ?

SX

[Eduard]

So basically,  I think she's the real deal... just wasn't exactly what I expected from reading on Russian culture, et al.      So this is why I'm here. 

Truth is that anything you read here or any other site would largely be either a generalization or an experience of each individual man with a few FSU women. As I am a native Russian speaker and was born and raised in Russia, also dated many RW and am married to one now. you can imagine I have a pretty good understanding of and experience with RW (Hi mom!).
Although there are some common cultural traits, every woman/person is unique and has their own personality, sense of humor, sense of values, etc. 2 sisters raised by the same parents could be completely different from each other. So take all advice you get here and then try to form your own opinion. You are the only person here who knows what's going on in your relationship with this woman. Use common sense and don't rush to judgement. And finally try to move passed wondering if she is "for real", and instead start thinking in terms of whether her personality matches yours and if you are compatible with her on many levels which is so important in order to have a happy relationship.
Ed

[Eduard]

sorry about the size of text, maybe a mod can fix it, I tried but it didn't work.

[newjason]

the poor guy comes here for answers and gets a thousand new questions to ponder,  LOL

flitabout62

Thanks for answering some of the questions.
From the info you have given so far, I think you are just fine.
The main question you have to answer is , can you live the rest of your life with someone who won't initiate conversations, elaborate on information.
The reason I ask so many of these simple questions is , that some guys make the "relationship" so easy for the woman, by doing and paying and planning everything themselves, all the woman really has to do is say yes , and show up.  No real work or motivation needed.
If you are paving a sidewalk for her, and all she has to do is walk, nothing more, then you may have a problem. BUt this does not seem to be the case.

So to answer your question:

Is it reasonable to assume cultural and personality of the women with the fact that I need to initiate every SMS message or arrange a approximate day and time for Skye calls?

It is not culture, it is a personal trait.

Myself, as well as a lot of other men her have different experiences than yours. Personally I would find it odd if  a woman I was seeing did not call , or text, or be any any less than excited to see me or hear my voice, and leave romantic sugesstive notes and the like.
But then again, I am a romantic sort of person and I quite like that sort of thing.

You could always not call or talk to her for a few days and see how she responds.....

[flitabout62]

Ed, I really am terrible at writing on these forums.  Of course I think she is "for real" I've read too many GCG threads, think.  But your advice on personality is something I really am sure of.  We have core compatibility from our discussions and our times together there is never a doubt when with her/Skyping.  We are similar in some ways with our personality.  It's the darn times spent apart that are difficult for me!      ...and reading negative forums don't help things...  Guess I'll stop reading the negative threads!   

[Eduard]

But your advice on personality is something I really am sure of.  We have core compatibility from our discussions and our times together there is never a doubt when with her/Skyping.

very good!

[southernX]

flitabout ,

mate , sorry if it comes across as negative ,
thing for me is that by asking the questions you have , it gives me the impression you still have some doubts you need to air , not only here but within yourself

as eduard writes, you know her better than us , it could just be her personality ,

being compatible is great , but is there spark ? can you see your relationship with her going the whole way ?
can you see her with your family , friends , work situations etc, .. ??
after 10-11 months & 2 visits it seems you are still pondering the basics ?
after this amount of time ,i would have thought you would sound more sure ?/
also you havent mentioned how you feel about her too much ,

maybe this is just your writing style ? and personality coming through in your posts,

not trying to be negative . just probe a bit deeper as to why you ask the question  i hope you will understand it for  what it is

im like new jason , bit of a romatic, my wife holds hands at the drop of a hat , always and is very affectionate
she was always keen to initiate communication /discussion , sms and skype times which quickly  became every day , in short she was very proactive in the relationship ,

SX
 

[ML]

I corresponded with many FSU women.

Almost 100% of them sometimes initiated a new thread of conversation with me via email or sms.

However, there was one late 40s woman who told me she would NEVER initiate a new thread, or send me a message when she had not gotten a reply to her last message to me.  This was part of her upbringing and that of other women her age;  she said.

I said: "But what if I had answered your last message and, for whatever reason, you had not received it."

She said: "I would never write you to ask if you had sent a message that might have gotten lost somewhere."

I said: "What if you have something very important to tell me."

She said: "I would just wait until I had a message from you; and then include this important info in my reply message."

I then told her that was much too inflexible for me and that we would have to stop corresponding.

[Eduard]

Ouch, that was brutal...  She was a proud woman at the age when she was pretty much out of options...