Meeting for the First Time

[jone]

Friends,

It would be more than appropriate to have multiple perspectives at what I am about to describe.  Especially those of you who have assisted couples in meeting.  Chime in!  I know that those of you who have found their mates also had some hit and misses, but here goes with a new topic:

Meeting A Woman for the First Time:

No matter how many times you have written letters.  No matter how many times you have talked on the phone.  No matter how many times you have Skyped her.  And no matter how many times you have wished her an endearment,  the time finally comes to meet. 

I am the first to say meeting is the big discovery.  Every time I have met someone after going through the process of getting to know them online, meeting is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ANIMAL!

The first thing I have to say is that through letters, through chat, through Skype, through phone, all is an illusion of what you want a relationship to be.  While you may envision chemistry, seeing them on Skype and seeing them in person is two dramatically different things.  When you see someone, reality is present.  You have to change from having this fantasy relationship to dealing with a living, breathing person. 

1.  Set your expectations down a notch.  A fantasy relationship is everything you want it to be.  Because there is no downside.  You don't smell someone's breath, you can't see bad table manners.  You are typically assisted in communication and the practicality of a relationship has not yet come into play.

2.  Keep things on an even keel.  It is impossible to be overly enthusiastic and have a relationship work.  From a man's perspective, I know that a woman will be very impressed if I have good manners, am attentive and smile.    Beyond that, if there is chemistry, it will display itself and the relationship can move on.  If there is no chemistry, then you have acquitted yourself well and left a good impression.  On the other hand, those who seek to overwhelm a woman, with amorous moves, with overbearing gifts and with outrageous expectations are sure to fail.

3. If you have traveled far to meet a woman, ask her about her home and family.  Give her something to talk about that she is comfortable with.  Once she feels a level of comfort, she can finally relax and display her true persona.

4.  Do not try to define a relationship - what you want and expect - at the first meeting.  I had a woman, once, tell me about how she expected to be romanced.  She was sincere and earnest, but I have always felt that romancing a woman should not be a mandated set of moves, but something that stirs in your heart and bubbles to the surface.  I did not even do one romantic thing for this woman because I felt that anything I did would be reacting to her expectations of me.

5.  Remember to give her small compliments.  These are 'give-aways'.  I have used this in business for the past twenty years and it always softens the mood around me.   The compliments can be everything from how nice she looks to how she treated the taxi driver to something nice she said or did for me.

6.  Lastly, understand that beginnings are hard times.  You learn much more about a woman on a second date than you do on a first date.  She is no longer scared or intimidated and now can show you her true self.  So your true goal on a first date is to be successful enough to enjoy a second date.  Because that is when the fireworks begin.

I would love to hear success stories and 'crash and burn' stories to continue this thread.   

[ML]

Just a little side issue here.  Although you didn't quite say this; several times I have heard guys say that the woman they met was nothing like the woman they were writing to or skyping with.

But I have rarely ever had that experience.  There were relatively few surprises for me.

[calmissile]

Just a little side issue here.  Although you didn't quite say this; several times I have heard guys say that the woman they met was nothing like the woman they were writing to or skyping with.

But I have rarely ever had that experience.  There were relatively few surprises for me.

Same experience for me.  Really no surprises.  Particularly when you have video Skype.  It is relatively easy to pick up the body language, facial expressions, and moods with video.

Some women might be good enough to fake it for a while, but daily Skype chats over a period of time is likely to bring out true personalities (yours and hers).

Your frequent advice to "Not tolerate bad behavior or blame it on cultural differences" is sooooo true.

[calmissile]

Jone,
Well written and good advice.  I can only add that the stress from both parties on a first meeting can best be overcome by the man not having any great expectations for the first meeting and not try to plan the wedding in advance.   LOL

Taking it easy and enjoying each others company and perhaps sightseeing is more likely to put the women as ease.  Think about it.  She is on her turf, in her cutlure, and does not have a lot to lose.  She can afford to be picky and not rush anything.

It's hard to do for a man that has 2 weeks vacation a year and wants to make one trip and expect a woman to fall heads over heels in love with him in one or two weeks.  Unless she is desperate, she is more likely to want to get to know you before even considering marriage.  It just isn't likely to happen on the first trip.

What might come out of the first meeting is a determination of whether her personality is something you want to wake up to every morning and spend your life together.

[Brillynt]

What might should come out of the first meeting is a determination of whether her personality is something you want to wake up to every morning and spend your life together.

+1

[jone]

Just a little side issue here.  Although you didn't quite say this; several times I have heard guys say that the woman they met was nothing like the woman they were writing to or skyping with.

But I have rarely ever had that experience.  There were relatively few surprises for me.

ML,

I would have to agree with you.  Appearances may be slightly adjusted, but overall, I believe that the adjustments are from what you want her to be to what she really is.

Too many men (and women) live with a fantasy picture of a relationship.  Then, when they finally are faced with reality, the wheels come off pretty quickly.  At least for the first meeting, if a couple dispenses with the fantasy and operates directly and rationally with the person in front of them, it is much easier to move on.

That is not to say that you should not aspire to romance.  Hell, this is about couples and the first rule for the man is to make the woman feel very special - the immediate focus of his person.

I neglected to add one point for first meetings and I would like to amend my post from earlier:

7.  Have fun.  Even if she (or he) is not the one, enjoy yourself.  This is one of life's great adventures.  Those who can enjoy it will find that maybe the true gift that we are given in this life is the journey.

[Gator]

I am glad you added the "fun" part as No. 7, because that is imperative (i. e., finding chemistry).
I have heard some "bad first meeting" stories from FSUW.  Somewhere you should add the need to dress the part of wanting to impress a young woman (e. g., no white tennis shoes even if they are comfortable).  Also, personal hygiene - one FSUW saw dirty fingernails on one man and wondered if the man had ever had sex.
 
Conversing in reverse (talking about married life and goals soon after meeting) is important if one has several WMVM dates and limited time; however, it really bothers sincere women with options because it is not normal "boy meets girl" talk.   In this sense, I believe showing  photos of houses on first meeting is bizarre.
 
Maybe you have advice for screening women over the phone.  If you do, you should send it to  Manti Te'o. 

[ML]

  Also, personal hygiene - one FSUW saw dirty fingernails on one man and wondered if the man had ever had sex.

How to tell if auto mechanic had any recent sexual encounter?

One finger might look noticeably cleaner than the others.

[Faux Pas]

Maybe you have advice for screening women over the phone.  If you do, you should send it to  Manti Te'o. 

Apparently, Manti's requirements are quite lax as "nobody" can fail them

[mendeleyev]

Nice topic, Jone!