Humor, American vs. Russian

[jb]

There are some jokes you just can't tell a RW.

like:

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmy and a girls track team?  Well, a tribe of pygmy are a bunch of cunning runts.........

or...

What's the difference between a virgin in Church and a whore in a bath tub?  Well, a virgin in Church has hope in her soul..........

I tried these on my wife and she cannot see humor in either of them.  It just doesn't translate well into Russian.

[KenC]

TFF!

[Bruno]

[line]
I tried these on my wife and she cannot see humor in either of them. It just doesn't translate well into Russian.
[line]

I understand your wife... these joke are man joke, not woman joke... RW of other...

Try these :

Three Russian in the Gulag:
- Me, I was coming with five minutes of delay, then they have accuse me of sabotage
- Me, I was coming with five minutes in advance, then they have accuse me of espionage.
- Me, I was coming in time, then thay have accuse me to have bought my watch in the West!

[Albert]

Russian humor:

In America, you can always find party.

In Russia, party always finds you.

[Albert]

Ukrainian humor:

Man goes to politzi station.  My wife is missing.

Politzi:  You have her picture?

Man:  Here is picture.

Politzi after looking at picture and frowning:  You sure you want us to find her?

[KenC]

jb,

Just FYI, Lena laughed her ass off over the cunning runts!

KenC

[Jack]

A man in the Russian supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
 
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ass hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
 
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
 
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here.  Where are you from, son?"
 
"Belarus, sir," the boy replied.
 
"Well, why did you leave Belarus?" the manager asked.
 
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players there."
 
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Belarus."
 
"No schit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Goombah]

American joke, and originally about Canada - at least thats where I heard it first!  (Makes more sense about the hockey too...)

Kevin <smile>

[ConnerVT]

Wow, we can tell Canadian jokes?  Here in Vermont, we have a bunch of them...

(Thinking better of it, perhaps not.)

[Vaughn]

From a Russian Joke website:

An American physician asked his Russian colleague:
- Is it true that there are cases in your country where a patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy reveal another cause of death?
- Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we treat them for.

[jb]

Those crazy Russian women drivers

[Bruno]

From a woman magazine...

What Those "Code Words" in Personal Man Ads Really Mean

 

Code: [Select]

EUPHEMISM : TRANSLATION
_______________________

40ish : 52 and looking for 25-year old
Affectionate : Needy, and looking for mother figure
Aging : child Self-centered adult
Ambitious : Ruthlessly exploits people
Appreciates quality : But expects someone else to pay for it
Artist : Unreliable
Athletic : Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Beautiful : Spends a lot of time in front of mirrors
Disease-free : Up to date on mumps vaccinations
Down to earth : Petty and vindictive
Educated : Will always treat you like an idiot
Elegant : Dripping with costume jewelry
Employed Part-time : job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoy life's pleasures : Overindulged, spoiled brat
Enjoy long walks : Car has been repossessed
Enjoy moonlit nights : Can't pay the electric bill
Excited about life's journey : No concept of reality
Expressive : Being sued for libel
Fashionably thin : Emaciated, with sharply jutting hipbones
Financially secure : Has $5 in the bank
Flexible : Desperate
Free Spirit : Substance abuser
Friendship first : As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun : Good with a remote and a six pack
Fun-loving : Expects to be entertained
Gentle : Comatose
Good sense of humor : Watches a lot of television
Gourmet cook : Can just about manage microwaving frozen dinners
High standards : Blind to own flaws, unforgiving of others'
Honest : Pathological liar
Independently wealthy : Owns millions of worthless dotcom options
Internet entrepreneur : Big-time spammer
Intuitive : Your opinion doesn't count
Irreverent : Nasty and lacking basic social skills
Life of the party : Poor impulse control
Likes to cuddle : Insecure, overly dependent
Marriage minded : A bigamist
Moody : Manic-depressive
Nontraditional : Ex-wife lives in the basement
Old-fashioned : Lights out, missionary position only
Openminded : Desperate
Outgoing : Loud
Passionate : Loud
Perfect : Has mastered the art of self-delusion
Physically fit : Still breathing
Poet : Boring manic-depressive
Professional : Owns a white button-down
Reliable : Shows up on time, give or take 3 hours
Resourceful : Calls the super to fix a leaky faucet
Self-employed : Jobless
Sophisticated : Spends afternoons at Woolworth's perfume counter
Soulful : Quiet manic-depressive
Spiritual : Involved with a cult
Spiritually evolved : Subject to delusions and fainting spells
Spontaneous : Picks his nose at traffic lights
Spontaneous/Eclectic : Scatterbrained
Stable : Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Stylish : Slave to every fad that comes down the pike
Successful : Won $10 in the lottery once
Sultry/Sensual : Easy
Swarthy : Sweaty even when cold or standing still
Thoughtful : Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Unaffected and earthy : Slob and lacking basic social skills
Uninhibited : Lacking basic social skills
Very human : Quasimodo's best friend
Wants Soulmate : One step away from stalking
Writer : Once scribbled on a bathroom stall
Youthful : Over 40, and trying to deny it

[jb]

It seems the thought police have decended on the jokes here, yet another example where PC runs amuck with common sense, I'm sooooo glad I don't live in California.

[Jack]

Yea, same here jb.  I didn't think my joke was vulgar or in bad taste.

 

[Larry1]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are shipwrecked on a tropical island, and they're captured by cannibals. The Cannibal King says "We're going to eat you now, because we're cannibals and that's what we do. But we're not savages like we used to be, so we're not going to torture you for three days first...in fact, you can kill yourselves any way you like, we don't care."

The men all look rather crestfallen at this news, and the chief hastens to reassure them: "Oh, I know what you're thinking, we've seen it before---you're thinking your life has been a waste, you're going to die out here for nothing, and so on. Well, let me assure you, that just isn't true. We'll use your skin to make our excellent canoes, your hair to make twine, and we'll eat every edible part of you. So really, it's not a waste at all. Now, please get on with it."

The Englishman asks for a pistol, says "God save the Queen", and shoots himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for a knife, says "Vive la France!", and slits his throat.

The Russian asks for a fork. The Cannibal King says, "A fork?", and the Russian says, "You said any way we like...."

The Russian is given a fork, and immediately starts stabbing himself with it all over his body...finally the Cannibal King says "My god, what are you doing??!!"

And the Russian stabs himself with the fork again and yells "F*CK YOUR CANOE!!!"

[CaptB]

Hi all,


First time here in over a year. Eight trips to Russia........soon to be 10 yrs married to an RW..........but lived for thirty years in the strong-hold of Finnish culture in the US (Upper Peninsula of Michigan). Just out of military service and starting my college education in Marquette, MI.......I am walking around the NMU campus during registration. I needed a bathroom so I ducked into the library to use the can. After reading some of the graffiti on the stall door I came to the conclusion that "Yooper" university students could not spell (at the time I did not this was the center Finnish culture in America).


                                               Question: What is the closest thing to a fishes ass?  Answer: A Finn.


jb,


I thought you were dead! I guess we have not talked for sometime


Signed..........A Yooper in Moscovia


i 

[mendeleyev]

Captain, welcome to the forum.

Love Finland. Some of the best food I've encountered on an express train has been on the Allegro from Helsinki to St. Petersburg!

Maybe someday in our lifetimes we can readjust the borders back to prior the Winter War of 1939. Places like  Vyborg just fit more naturally in a Finnish setting.

Iosef Stalin in demanding Finland cede territory to Russia:

“We cannot do anything about geography, nor can you. Since Leningrad cannot be moved away, the frontier must be further off.”

[CaptB]

Medeleyev....howdy.


I believe jb and his wife were staying at her cousin's cottage in Findland (I believe he was a retired general in the Russian army). They stopped to eat at a restaurant in Helsinki.......which had a buffet. As soon as the waitress found out that jb's wife was Russian......the waitress copped an attitude towards her. Apparently "Russian guests had a reputation for overindulging....at the buffet table. My wife understands.......a "buffet" all-you-can-eat for one price idea would not work in Russia very well.....the owners of the restaurant would quickly go broke :-)


CaptB

[mendeleyev]

I'd guess that the attitude might also have to do with generations of domination by their Russian neighbors. That usually engenders more hostility than a buffet serving. 

[Gator]

 As soon as the waitress found out that jb's wife was Russian......the waitress copped an attitude towards her. Apparently "Russian guests had a reputation for overindulging....at the buffet table. My wife understands.......a "buffet" all-you-can-eat for one price idea would not work in Russia very well.....the owners of the restaurant would quickly go broke :-)


CaptB

Good to see you again CaptB. 
 
Your point is well taken about FSU mentality and buffets.    I traveled with many different RW, and they would take fruit from the serving line and slip it into their handbags for later consumption. 
 
Upon checking out from a hotel, most would strip the bathroom of all those "minis" such as soap, shampoo, etc.   They do have standards, however, as none ever took the toilet tissue. 
 
If you recall Jack, you may want to read     
http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=16274.msg339243#msg339243

[CaptB]

Gator,


Thanks for the heads-up concerning the passing of Jack Bragg. I left my comments on that thread.


Thanks,


Capt B

[CaptB]

Actually.......on 3rd trip to russia.....a Russian friend gave me a copy of a book printed in the US......but found in a bookshop in Tver, Russia.
The book is titled: "DERMO! The real Russian Tolstoy Never Used" By Edward Topol (one of Russia's best selling novelist in the 1990's) Plume Books, 1997 (ISBN 0-452-27745-0). Check out chapter 5, "A Bit About Russian Women". Will come in handy if your pursuit is going well............or not so well:-)




Capt B




A Yooper in Moscovia