Sad day

[Boethius]

Despite my saying that, and despite my being in hotel for 4 days with phone turned off and all communication severed, he still does NOT believe i could ever leave him. I dunno, am i so misleading. I AM quite affectionate, because i like him a lot, so it's easy to be affectionate, but no matter what i do, it just does.not.occure.to.him. that he might lose me. He spent the 4 days alone perfecting the story he will tell me when i come back. Never occurred to him i might not.

I don't find that response at all unusual, Aloe.  It suggests to me, among other things, that he loves you.

[Aloe]

Aloe, what did your mom see in your husband for her to claim you won't find a better husband?

Mainly that he's pretty and white, looks at me with tenderness, and doesn't drink.

[Aloe]

Everyone who sees us says that we are in honeymoon phase. And at least 3 women have told me about the way he looks at me.

[TomT]

I felt he barely restrained himself from hitting me with the door when i stood in the doorway. I felt physically threatened the entire time. I don't like feeling physically threatened.

I think that there is a much better chance that you read the situation correctly than the Neanderthal abuse apologists did. You were there; they weren't. 

[Aloe]

That's interesting, i wonder if my hubby isn't doing this:

A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By "martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases that you have to return the favor. They may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor...

http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-on-Manipulative-Behavior


He does like to tell me about all the things he does for me and all the things i fail to do for him. Always makes me feel an ungrateful lazy bastard.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Everyone who sees us says that we are in honeymoon phase. And at least 3 women have told me about the way he looks at me.

It is great to be loved and looked at with loving eyes, but it matters more about your feelings towards him.   I would hate for you to think he would be the only man to look at you like that.  I am sure there will be plenty more if you decide you don't want to continue with the marriage.

[mies]

Why would a wife want to hurt her husband? Why would a man want to hurt his wife? It just happens in the heat of the moment.


In that same thread Aloe realized in arguments her husband would go silent and ignores her. She would tell him not to ignore her. Why when her husband tries to end an argument with silence and she continues to nag and force him to listen to her? Why does she continue to push his buttons until he loses it?

1) Billy, I don't know what happens in the heat of the moment with every couple, it's probably different from one couple to another. I never wanted to hurt my husband, and I cannot imagine why would he want to hurt me. I don't think Aloe ever wanted let alone intended to hurt her husband. Her husband did hurt her.

2) silent treatment is also indicative of emotional abuse in the family. If one of the spoeses never participates in the dialogue, and ignores everything the other spouse is saying, how can they ever discuss any important issue? How can they reach a consensus on anything? How can they exchange information?

Here is a randomly picked article about silent treatment: http://ebonny.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-cope-with-Silent-Treatment-Abuse
You can find many more by doing simple google search. So there is a BIG question about who is pushing whose buttons.

[Aloe]

Hubby says he can't guarantee that he will never call me names again. And that grabbing and pushing me in anger is his way of showing that he's had enough. I think i'll take him to my psychologist after i've gotten well acquainted with her.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Hubby says he can't guarantee that he will never call me names again. And that grabbing and pushing me in anger is his way of showing that he's had enough. I think i'll take him to my psychologist after i've gotten well acquainted with her.

Not good, Aloe.  Not good.

[mies]

You seen my wife's photos. She looks happier than everybody else's wives here.
...

As I said earlier, if she gets a new husband, she'll have the same problems. You guys aren't helping because you can't constructively criticize her behavior in their disputes and you take a one sided story as if it's the truth.

When I see your wife's photos I think that it's too early to speak how happy she is with you. Let's wait another year or two. In her photos she looks less happy than when she were single and living with her mom.

As for Aloe's possible future relationship, this is what you think. And you do not possess the knowledge of the true future. Who told you you need to criticize her? And most importantly, what are your motivation to criticize her?

[Aloe]

It is great to be loved and looked at with loving eyes, but it matters more about your feelings towards him.   I would hate for you to think he would be the only man to look at you like that.  I am sure there will be plenty more if you decide you don't want to continue with the marriage.

Dunno, nobody ever looked at me like that before

[mies]

Hubby says he can't guarantee that he will never call me names again. And that grabbing and pushing me in anger is his way of showing that he's had enough. I think i'll take him to my psychologist after i've gotten well acquainted with her.

this is not good. I agree with LiveFfromUkraine.

Дальше напишу по-русски, может тебя развеселю. Жизненная басня, про любящий взгляд. Прочитала ее во френдленте в ФБ, к сожалению сейчас не могу найти оригинала.

Итак, байка.

Купил как-то мужчина редкую экзотическую ящерицу. Любил ее, заботился, кормил, большой террариум в своей спальне поставил. А ящерица взяла его и укусила сильно за палец. Мужчина сначала расстроился, думал даже ее обратно в магазин вернуть. Но ящерица на него такими грустными глазами смотрит, и даже любящими. По квартире за ним хвостиком ходит, ни на шаг не отступает. И в глаза заглядывает, будто бы говорит "прости, друг." Мужчина аж умилился такой преданности. А рука у него меж тем на следующий день сильно распухла. Взял он ящерицу в охапку и пощел к врачу. Врач на руку посмотрел, потом на ящерицу. И сказал что ящерица ядовитая. Но у нее яд слабый. Когда она жертву кусает - жертва умирает не сразу. Потому ящерица ходит за укушенной жертвой по пятам, и ждет пока та умрет.
Мораль басни: если у вас укусили за руку, не верьте любящему преданному взгляду укусившего.

[Aloe]

That's interesting, i wonder if my hubby isn't doing this:

A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By "martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases that you have to return the favor. They may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor...

http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-on-Manipulative-Behavior


He does like to tell me about all the things he does for me and all the things i fail to do for him. Always makes me feel an ungrateful lazy bastard.

This is exactly what he did when he told me his side of the story of the last argument. Told me in great detail all about the things he did for me that day, made me feel bad, and that i should appreciate him cuz he's a wonderful hubby. But now it turns out it's a manipulation technique?

[Boethius]

I doubt he is purposely trying to manipulate you.  I suspect it is the way he sees things.  He doesn't hear you.  You need to explain this to him, that marriage is a two way street.


Do you do nice things for him?  What types of things?  Can you point out to him what he is overlooking? 

[LiveFromUkraine]

Dunno, nobody ever looked at me like that before

Yeah, but you were playing video games all the time.       You know, when I was younger and my first girlfriend and I broke up, I thought no one would love me the same way.  Then I met my next girlfriend, then the next girlfriend and then the next...  I found there are an abundance of good people out there that I was able to build connections with.  It is the same for everyone.

[Aloe]

I doubt he is purposely trying to manipulate you.  I suspect it is the way he sees things.  He doesn't hear you.  You need to explain this to him, that marriage is a two way street.


Do you do nice things for him?  What types of things?  Can you point out to him what he is overlooking?

My way of doing nice things for him is giving tons of hugs and kisses    And letting him have the one good seat on the couch when we watch something    That's pretty much how i show love, being super affectionate. I guess it isn't enough and he wants the house cleaned more often    When he points out the things he does for me, it's his going to work to earn money so i can study, and his peeling tangerines for me and sometimes going to the bakery.

[TheTraveler]

Outside TOS

[Aloe]

TT, it was me who reported you.

[TheTraveler]

deleted

[TomT]

Based on your now-deleted comments, it seems that your detractor was an excellent judge of character.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Seems like things are slow on the other forum and some need their fill of superiority.

[GQBlues]

You see Aloe? Take heart because even grown-ups have difficulties resolving their differences.

Now do you have any advice for these folks? 

[TomT]

Seems like things are slow on the other forum and some need their fill of superiority.

I'm just topping off, thanks.

[Boethius]

You see Aloe? Take heart because even grown-ups have difficulties resolving their differences.

Now do you have any advice for these folks? 

Grown ups?  What grown ups?

[LiveFromUkraine]

I'm just topping off, thanks.

Looking forward to seeing your posts in a week then.