Sad day

[Boethius]

I'm not sure how often we argue. Every single time we argued, i have posted. So i'm assuming once in 7-9 months? Not sure. It could be cuz most of the time im laid-back and accommodating.. When i say lets do something, he doesnt wanna do it and so he doesnt do it.. But when he's like let's watch tv, and i dont feel like it, he plunges in the seat and acts all cute and i come over anyway.
And yes, i think he has called me names every time we argued for the last 4 arguments. I've never called him anything. And when he calls me names or shouts angry i just look at him, i almost never do anything in return. Mostly go cry in the bedroom.

On the physical violence, though rare, it is absolutely unacceptable.  If you decide to seek counselling for your marriage, you need to disclose this, and how it has made you feel afraid of him.  You can't have a successful marriage if you are afraid of your husband.  You must also tell your husband, whether or not you seek counselling, that if he ever lays a hand on you again, no matter what the circumstances, your marriage is over.  But, you have to mean that.  No going back, ever, even if your mother tells you to do so.  Violence is a choice, it can stop, but if you don't address it, which has to be done after the fact, when everything is calm, it has more of a chance to escalate in the future than to stop.  I do know a woman whose husband use to beat her (I mean beat her black and blue) fairly regularly.  After fifteen years, she told him, the next time it happens, I will be gone.  It took her that long to have the strength, and the economic ability, to make that statement.  He never hit her again, and they have since been relatively happy together.


The name calling is likely something he learned growing up.  Again, you need to discuss this at a time when you are both calm and not arguing.  There is no reason to resort to names.  The way you portray your husband, it sounds as if he is self centred, with poor impulse control.  Furthermore, if your arguments resort to name calling, they are not constructive.  You likely are not resolving the issues that lead to the argument in the first place, so the same issues appear.  This, and the fact he is not willing to compromise and do things you enjoy from time to time, should also be addressed in counselling.

[TS]

In many areas of the World physical violence of spouse is acceptable and part of culture.  Does not make it right but does happen.
 
It is clear Aloe married to early and needed to experience life first.  Best would to divorce now before children and go back to Russia and get a college degree and start a working life.  In 8-10 years when ready for marriage get married and have a family.  Aloe is very young. 
 
Not a problem to get divorced with no children and hit the refresh button. 
 
People in a happy marriage don't post on the internet or need mom to talk them into staying in a marriage.  She also has stated numerous times she does not like Belgium

[Vinnvinny]

She also has stated numerous times she does not like Belgium

In fairness to Aloe, nobody likes Belgium.

[Aloe]

In many areas of the World physical violence of spouse is acceptable and part of culture.  Does not make it right but does happen.
 
It is clear Aloe married to early and needed to experience life first.  Best would to divorce now before children and go back to Russia and get a college degree and start a working life.  In 8-10 years when ready for marriage get married and have a family.  Aloe is very young. 
 
Not a problem to get divorced with no children and hit the refresh button. 
 
People in a happy marriage don't post on the internet or need mom to talk them into staying in a marriage.  She also has stated numerous times she does not like Belgium

That doesn't make any sense to quit university in Belgium that is in top-100 universities worldwide list, to go to some crappy college in Russia

[Ade]

In fairness to Aloe, nobody likes Belgium.

I have to admit, that's almost true.

[Aloe]

In many areas of the World physical violence of spouse is acceptable and part of culture.  Does not make it right but does happen.
 
It is clear Aloe married to early and needed to experience life first.  Best would to divorce now before children and go back to Russia and get a college degree and start a working life.  In 8-10 years when ready for marriage get married and have a family.  Aloe is very young. 
 
Not a problem to get divorced with no children and hit the refresh button. 
 
People in a happy marriage don't post on the internet or need mom to talk them into staying in a marriage.  She also has stated numerous times she does not like Belgium

in 10 years i will be 35. After 35 the chances to have a retarded child increase from like 1 in 100k to 1 in 1000. Too late to start looking for a husband at 35 If you have no other choice then 35 is fine, but purposefully staying single until 35 doesn't seem smart for someone who does want a family.

[Aloe]

Anyway, i came up with a plan how to get out of Belgium. Apply for a master's degree in England, so far i have like 77% on my scores, so i think i can apply to a good university there? And they seem affordable being like 6k pounds a year for a top-10 university. Unless i misunderstood something. And Canada, Australia, the UK and New Zealand all have 1 year work visas for people under 30, so after university i could do that, to see which country i like the best    But of course, this is a very daring plan, i need to dare

[Aloe]

Advancing maternal age.[/size] A woman's chances of giving birth to a child with Down syndrome increase with age because older eggs have a greater risk of improper chromosome division. By age 35, a woman's risk of conceiving a child with Down syndrome is 1 in 400. By age 45, the risk is 1 in 35.[/color]

So waiting to start looking for a husband until 35 would be strange, cuz considering my continuously rising standards, i'll probably spend many many many years looking.

[mies]

It is clear Aloe married to early and needed to experience life first.  Best would to divorce now before children and go back to Russia and get a college degree and start a working life.  In 8-10 years when ready for marriage get married and have a family.

This is the strangest, most counterintuitive advice I could possibly think of.

You do understand that Aloe has Belgian citizenship, Belgium is her home, don 't you? Why would she need to go back to Russia?

She speaks local (foreign) languages (in addition to be fluent in English), attends good university in Belgium, and is super smart. She can easily finish her degree in Belgium, and get a good job in Belgium/EU. Under these circumstances why would anyone want to "go back to Russia, get a degree there and start working in Russia"...?  So that when she is 33-35 do what? Marry in Russia and stay there, or start looking online for foreign husband and have much lower chances to transfer her Russian professional career abroad?

[Aloe]

Thanks mies, i wish i had that confidence 

[mies]

Thanks mies, i wish i had that confidence 

You are welcomed, Aloe. This is the most obvious thing. Everyone understands and sees this (well, maybe except for some men, who, believe that their wife  should follow the rule "чемодан-вокзал-Россия"  when they cannot be a good husband, because she doesn't have the moral right to stay in the country separately from them).

Confidence will come, just keep believing in yourself, follow your passion/dream, and try not to spend too much time listening to people who tell you what you cannot do. 

[Misha]

Apply for a master's degree in England, so far i have like 77% on my scores, so i think i can apply to a good university there?

Define good. However, you are not limited to England either. You can go to graduate school in Canada, the United States, Australia, etc.... The challenge is figuring out what you want to do and do the networking to find a university that will be a good match.

[Muzh]

Division of labour is a marital responsibility.  Particularly when you have children. 

Bo I agree 100% with this.

However, I don't believe that if one partner is slacking off the other should berate and choke the offending one.

[Muzh]

The best that could probably be achieved by marriage counseling without the individual treatment, would be the ablility to tolerate each other.

Bullshevik! Maybe in your world.

The whole intent should be for self-reflection AND then take steps to be a married couple. To tolerate someone who is abusive is bullsh!t.

[Aloe]

Define good. However, you are not limited to England either. You can go to graduate school in Canada, the United States, Australia, etc.... The challenge is figuring out what you want to do and do the networking to find a university that will be a good match.

Prices are too high in australia, 65k bucks for a master year. Prices in Canada and the US aren't low either. While in the UK i am counted as a EU national and can pay the home student rates instead of international student rates.
Good being in top 10 worldwide Top-100 worst case I looked at university college london, which is in top 10. They want second class honors. I think i'm good on that one.

[Aloe]

On the physical violence, though rare, it is absolutely unacceptable.  If you decide to seek counselling for your marriage, you need to disclose this, and how it has made you feel afraid of him.  You can't have a successful marriage if you are afraid of your husband.  You must also tell your husband, whether or not you seek counselling, that if he ever lays a hand on you again, no matter what the circumstances, your marriage is over.  But, you have to mean that.  No going back, ever, even if your mother tells you to do so.  Violence is a choice, it can stop, but if you don't address it, which has to be done after the fact, when everything is calm, it has more of a chance to escalate in the future than to stop.  I do know a woman whose husband use to beat her (I mean beat her black and blue) fairly regularly.  After fifteen years, she told him, the next time it happens, I will be gone.  It took her that long to have the strength, and the economic ability, to make that statement.  He never hit her again, and they have since been relatively happy together.


The name calling is likely something he learned growing up.  Again, you need to discuss this at a time when you are both calm and not arguing.  There is no reason to resort to names.  The way you portray your husband, it sounds as if he is self centred, with poor impulse control.  Furthermore, if your arguments resort to name calling, they are not constructive.  You likely are not resolving the issues that lead to the argument in the first place, so the same issues appear.  This, and the fact he is not willing to compromise and do things you enjoy from time to time, should also be addressed in counselling.

You know what, he does have a poor impulse control. Watching him diet is a comedy. All the girls at my school too. Maybe it's a belgian thing. There is no way they will work and won't eat during lunch, cuz "i'm SOOOOOOOOOO hungry". I don't get it. I'm not even hungry by lunch and when i am hungry it's easy for me to eat nothing, but they "HAVE TO EAT"    can't work!! no way!
So hubby will eat a bag of chips when it's in the house, even tho he feels bad about eating it but can't stop himself from reaching for it. I dunno, what is it with people and eating    It's not like you'll die if you skip lunch, but if you listen to them, it's like they are starved 

[GoodOlBoy]

Everyone understands and sees this (well, maybe except for some men, who, believe that their wife  should follow the rule "чемодан-вокзал-Россия"  when they cannot be a good husband, because she doesn't have the moral right to stay in the country separately from them).

Didn't you know??.... When the "toy" is broken, it has to be returned to the manufacturer for a "new" one. 
 
GOB

[Aloe]

Anyway, the great thing that has come out of this forum, besides different angles and wonderful support    is that i have talked to a few women, and i now see i kind of expect hubby to be perfect, while nobody is perfect    This is also what my mom says, "ok so he has one flaw, you have lots of flaws!".

[Aloe]

By the way, my psychologist is still sticking to that i'm not lazy, just unmotivated    Sure would be wonderful if that is true 

[Boethius]

Anyway, the great thing that has come out of this forum, besides different angles and wonderful support    is that i have talked to a few women, and i now see i kind of expect hubby to be perfect, while nobody is perfect    This is also what my mom says, "ok so he has one flaw, you have lots of flaws!".

No one is perfect, including you.    However, in forgiving imperfection, you should not accept physical or verbal abuse.  These may be behaviours your husband learned  in his past, but he can change them, and there is no reason for you to accept them.

[Muzh]

By the way, my psychologist is still sticking to that i'm not lazy, just unmotivated    Sure would be wonderful if that is true 

Honey, I wish you would listen to me.
 
http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=15912.msg329273#msg329273

[Shadow]

By the way, my psychologist is still sticking to that i'm not lazy, just unmotivated    Sure would be wonderful if that is true 

With a little bit better connection some time to put in thoughts.

1. Picking up studying after a burn-out is hard. I know a girl (with Russian background) who was in college with me and always had the highest marks in anything. She studied about 10 hours a day, where as I spent barely 30 minutes to get marks just behind her.
In the 5th of the 6-year education she got a burn-out and was out for 6 months. She failed the year, and while the next year she resumed her grades could not reach beyond average, simply because she was no longer allowed (or able) to spend so much time studying.
Everyone studies different, some do it by hard work and others by concentration on the subject. What you need is either a sbject that interests you so much you will concentrate, or put in the hard work you might still feel a bit wary about due to your past.

2. Did you check the Dutch universities? Apart from your language study paying off, they also offer some good education. And might not be too far away...

3. After I finish up some things, I hope we can meet some time. Not just so that you know how 'old people' with young kids look, but also to give some added support. And so that I can tell sometimes to guys here how 'bad' your hubby is.

4. Name calling is something very usual for young people in Belgium and Holland. It is not looked on as serious as in Russia. If you call another guy a kozel here they will just give you a name back, and between friends name calling can be for fun.  If you have not yet, make it clear to him that in Russia such name colling is almost equal to physical abuse.

5. Physical abuse is the limit. If he does that you pack your bags and call me. You can stay in a hotel or with us until you decide where to go and legal issues are taken care of. You set the limits, you do not have to depend on him for anything.

[BillyB]

is that i have talked to a few women, and i now see i kind of expect hubby to be perfect, while nobody is perfect    This is also what my mom says, "ok so he has one flaw, you have lots of flaws!".

Because they aren't involve in your marriage, it's easy for people to tell you what your hubby needs to do to be a perfect husband but they'll erode people's marriages with that advice because it's unrealistic for anyone to be perfect.


While it's unacceptable for your husband to use his superior strength to win a dispute with you, it is also unacceptable for you to disrespect your husband when you disagree with him. Everybody will have disagreements. There's no need to cause further harm past the original disagreement.

[TomT]

With a little bit better connection some time to put in thoughts.

1. Picking up studying after a burn-out is hard. I know a girl (with Russian background) who was in college with me and always had the highest marks in anything. She studied about 10 hours a day, where as I spent barely 30 minutes to get marks just behind her.
In the 5th of the 6-year education she got a burn-out and was out for 6 months. She failed the year, and while the next year she resumed her grades could not reach beyond average, simply because she was no longer allowed (or able) to spend so much time studying.
Everyone studies different, some do it by hard work and others by concentration on the subject. What you need is either a sbject that interests you so much you will concentrate, or put in the hard work you might still feel a bit wary about due to your past.

2. Did you check the Dutch universities? Apart from your language study paying off, they also offer some good education. And might not be too far away...

3. After I finish up some things, I hope we can meet some time. Not just so that you know how 'old people' with young kids look, but also to give some added support. And so that I can tell sometimes to guys here how 'bad' your hubby is.

4. Name calling is something very usual for young people in Belgium and Holland. It is not looked on as serious as in Russia. If you call another guy a kozel here they will just give you a name back, and between friends name calling can be for fun.  If you have not yet, make it clear to him that in Russia such name colling is almost equal to physical abuse.

5. Physical abuse is the limit. If he does that you pack your bags and call me. You can stay in a hotel or with us until you decide where to go and legal issues are taken care of. You set the limits, you do not have to depend on him for anything.

This is one of the finest analyses of the core issues that I have read on this thread.

[lonedrake]

Because they aren't involve in your marriage, it's easy for people to tell you what your hubby needs to do to be a perfect husband but they'll erode people's marriages with that advice because it's unrealistic for anyone to be perfect.
/quote]

 I think you took what she said wrong.

 My view of it.  She said she expected husband to be perfect in the past. Now she understands no one is perfect.