Sad day

[GoodOlBoy]

i told him he ever touch me again ill leave for good

Be careful and don't allow yourself to become "damaged" by this man Aloe.

I have met several women in the same situation you are in and after their ordeal finally ends, they wind up trusting no one (especially men).

You will be in my prayers tonight.

Good luck Aloe.

GOB

[Ade]

The negotiation I mean is both ways - learning how to deal with conflict constructively.


As I posted, GOB, Aloe has stated her husband choked her once.  She has told him she will not tolerate that, and it hasn't happened again.


She has gone back to him.  I think we should respect her decision, whatever it is.

The curious among us would like to know what he did this time to cause her to leave if it wasn't something physically abusive - which most of us assumed it was from her vague references in this thread.


Of course, it's her life and privacy so she doesn't have to say.

[Muzh]

Your mom must know much more about your hubby than you've told us. A lot of people at the forum look down on your hubby.

No, I don't think Aloe's mom was teaching him how to fcuk.

I doubt your hubby is a wife beater. He's young, immature and can't control his emotions. Try to make your marriage work and try not to be immature and push the wrong buttons until he grows up some more too. There's no reason for any husband or wife to push the wrong buttons and get their spouse angry.

Nice. So it is HER fault, isn't it?

You are such a peach.

[mies]

believe it or not, on the 4th day i woke up and spent a couple hours thinking and was very resolute to start my life on my own, but then i turned on my pc, and my mom spent hours convincing me that he's good and i wont find anyone better!! made me go back

Your mom is clearly mistaken on this one. I am sorry, Aloe, that your mom didn't provide you the help and support you needed most, in the moment when you needed most, from the person who (more than anyone else in this world, except for you), should keep your interest. This is sad indeed.

[mies]

If this experience changes hubby then this is good news for you aloe. It is always best to try to make it work but as the saying goes......you hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Unfortunately, if a man can raise his hand to a women once that means he is likely to do it again. I hope this never happens again, any man that could do this is plain scum IMO.
 
My best wishes for you Aloe

I agree with this post.

[mies]

Your mom must know much more about your hubby than you've told us. A lot of people at the forum look down on your hubby.



I doubt your hubby is a wife beater. He's young, immature and can't control his emotions. Try to make your marriage work and try not to be immature and push the wrong buttons until he grows up some more too. There's no reason for any husband or wife to push the wrong buttons and get their spouse angry.


Is it safe to assume the trip to America is back on?

Billy, I am not sure whether you ever hit a woman, or maybe raped a woman, or chocked a woman... the list may continue, but you are repeatedly giving particularly bad advices to Aloe. And your comments describe your personality in a distinctive way too.

[Muzh]

Your mom is clearly mistaken on this one. I am sorry, Aloe, that your mom didn't provide you the help and support you needed most, in the moment when you needed most, from the person who is (more than anyone else in this world, except for you), should keep your interest. This is sad indeed.

Mies, thanks for saying this.

[mies]

If a woman screams, yells, nags, disrespects her husband everyday and neglects his needs and the needs of the home, some men, especially young men, are going to lose it.

Then these men who "lost it" and physically attack their wives should go to jail at least for few days, or weeks, or months. To cool down a bit, and meditate about their life in the quiet, stressless and friendly atmosphere of the jail. Read books, listen to preachers on TV, do some yoga on jail chairs. Limitless possibilities to relax, and meals are always provided on time.

[mies]

The negotiation I mean is both ways - learning how to deal with conflict constructively.


As I posted, GOB, Aloe has stated her husband choked her once.  She has told him she will not tolerate that, and it hasn't happened again.


She has gone back to him.  I think we should respect her decision, whatever it is.

she went to hotel after a new incident happened. We do not know what exactly happened during their conflict, but the phrase "if he ever does it again" makes me think that he did it again just before she went to hotel. I may be wrong in my assumptions.

[Misha]

the phrase "if he ever does it again" makes me think that he did it again just before she went to hotel. I may be wrong in my assumptions.

That is how I read it as well.

[Boethius]

she went to hotel after a new incident happened. We do not know what exactly happened during their conflict, but the phrase "if he ever does it again" makes me think that he did it again just before she went to hotel. I may be wrong in my assumptions.

I do know what happened, so no speculation on my part.  I repeat again, Aloe has made her decision, and we should respect it.  If she changes her mind, we should respect that as well.  She is an incredibly smart young lady, and I am certain, in the end, she will do what is best for her.

[BillyB]

Billy, I am not sure whether you ever hit a woman, or maybe raped a woman, or chocked a woman... the list may continue, but you are repeatedly giving particularly bad advices to Aloe.

Never touched a woman in a negative way. I always walked away and kept on walking. Too many options to put up with low class drama. Women who know me feel protected, not threatened.


Here's what I got to work with. Aloe admits she has faults. Maybe she scratches and punches her husband endlessly in disputes and the only way for him to stop it is by physical means? It's up to Aloe if she wants to disclose her faults so we can judge if she's equally or more wrong in their marital disputes.


Some forum members want to put Aloe's husband in the same wife beater category as husbands who break their wives arms and noses and lock them in the closet. Wrong because there's no evidence of that happening. Now Aloe's mom claims he's one of the best husbands in the world. I don't believe anybody but I do give a lot more credence to what Aloe's mom is saying. Sorry if I don't agree with your advice to Aloe but Aloe's mom is part of her life and knows quite a bit more than the people at this forum.

[mies]

I do know what happened, so no speculation on my part.  I repeat again, Aloe has made her decision, and we should respect it.  If she changes her mind, we should respect that as well.  She is an incredibly smart young lady, and I am certain, in the end, she will do what is best for her.

I respect her decision and am not telling or advising her what she should or should not do. At the same time, in my mind, the mother should never tell their child "you will never find anyone better than... X" It's not up to the parent to know what is the limit to their child's future possibilities, and even if they know - it's plain wrong to say that to your child, let alone to a grown up child.

Taking the extreme example, suppose there is a disabled boy, or a young man, who is trying to sign up for paralympics, and his mother tells him "just sit in your room, you will never do better than that and will never achieve anything anyway."

[mies]

Aloe admits she has faults... and the only way for him to stop it is by physical means?

So basically, according to you, physical means (hitting or choking) are justified for anyone who has shown the lack or arrogance and ego-centrism, and who admitted they have faults.

I admit I have faults. Do you think my husband has the right to choke me or push me?

(I deleted from your post the part which is purely your speculation and never was shared with us by Aloe)

[Boethius]

Aloe did share with us that argument, and she was not in any way physical with her husband.  She threw a glass on the floor, but it was not directed at him.  His reaction, in choking her, can only be described as abusive and disproportionate.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Aloe admits she has faults... and the only way for him to stop it is by physical means?

So basically, according to you, physical means (hitting or choking) are justified for anyone who has shown the lack or arrogance and ego-centrism, and who admitted they have faults.

I admit I have faults. Do you think my husband has the right to choke me or push me?

(I deleted from your post the part which is purely your speculation and never was shared with us by Aloe)

lol  Mies, that has to be the worst hack job of a quote I have seen yet.

[BillyB]

I admit I have faults. Do you think my husband has the right to choke me or push me?

Depends, If you are verbally abusive, committed adultery or spent all the family's money gambling, no. If you're beating up your husband and you don't respond to verbal requests to stop and he can't walk away, the answer is yes, he has the right to use physical means to stop domestic violence. Police officers do.

(I deleted from your post the part which is purely your speculation and never was shared with us by Aloe)

What Aloe did share was her mom's(someone that cares and wants the best in life for her children) opinion that her husband is a good man for her. That should give you an idea of the overall picture yet you say Aloe's mom is wrong. Do you think her mom was speculating or actually knows something?

lol  Mies, that has to be the worst hack job of a quote I have seen yet.

I've seen worse, no offense taken, so I responded as if that is actually what Mies wanted to believe I wrote.

[YoungBuck]

Aloe knows what she can and cannot put up with, but personally, a clean break is needed. Any children they have/might have will be scarred for life, usually falling into the same pattern of abuse.

Also, women should avoid becoming violent during arguments. You never know how the guy will react...but still no excuse for assaulting her. I still don't get how people could be whispering sweet nothings into the person's ear one night, and pounding their face to jelly on the next.

I just wish she has a brother, uncle or friend who would clean his clock to put in his place.

[lonedrake]

 

Your mom is clearly mistaken on this one. I am sorry, Aloe, that your mom didn't provide you the help and support you needed most, in the moment when you needed most, from the person who (more than anyone else in this world, except for you), should keep your interest. This is sad indeed.

 So now Aloe should sever ties with her mother?

 Does anyone know Aloe better than her mom? Why throw her mom under the bus?

For all we know.......Her mother may be exactly right! Her mother may also be completely wrong! Who knows?

 There is two sides to this story. It is certainly sad indeed. It may get better...and it may get worse....if she leaves him or not.

[mies]

lol  Mies, that has to be the worst hack job of a quote I have seen yet.

Then, I presume, you never read newspapers 

[BillyB]

It may get better...

That's what I'm betting on. Aloe should have comfort knowing nobody at this forum is going to admit they still have the maturity of when they were 18 years old. We all grow. How many people here are still partying and doing drugs? How may people here are still irresponsible and can't hold a job and keep friends?


There's not enough evidence to label Aloe's husband a wife beater and I don't believe it's his genes to do this forever. He's just immature and not in full control of his emotions and actions. He can grow out of it just like everybody else did.

[mies]

Depends, If you are verbally abusive, committed adultery or spent all the family's money gambling, no. If you're beating up your husband and you don't respond to verbal requests to stop and he can't walk away, the answer is yes, he has the right to use physical means to stop domestic violence. Police officers do.

So, basically, you are saying that instead of calling a police when being attacked, everyone should just apply physical force liberally, to the extent they believe is appropriate?
Why again do we need police officers then?   

My faults - none of the mentioned in your post. I am often late, I am forgetful, and I don't like to cook. Which, depending how you look at it, are also very good qualities - I always like what my husband cooks, I don't remember anything bad what other people do to me, and I give plenty of time to others to get ready  But see, how far from reality your imagination is?
I will refrain on commenting your response about "mom knows better." We all know that the mother of your wife knows better, since she lectured both her daughter how to please you in bed, and you - on how to please her daughter. One can't present anything stronger than this example of "mom is always right."

[mies]

So now Aloe should sever ties with her mother?

 Does anyone know Aloe better than her mom? Why throw her mom under the bus?

For all we know.......Her mother may be exactly right! Her mother may also be completely wrong! Who knows?

 There is two sides to this story. It is certainly sad indeed. It may get better...and it may get worse....if she leaves him or not.

it's not the point whether her mom is right or wrong, the point is that mom should never tell such thing to her child.
There may be some extreme situations: an alcoholic, or a drug-addict, who can't keep a job and have no income, and unlikely they will ever recover from their addiction. And they have a loving spouse who provides for them, and tolerates all their crazy behavior, and is beautiful, and nice, and kind, and loving and always understanding, and the mom of drug-addict tells to her son: "you will never get anyone better than this woman, she is an angel or a saint." - yes, although unlikely situation, one may say that drug-addict won't get anyone better than this wonderful woman.
But to tell to your own daughter, a sweet girl, all alone in a foreign country, that she should go back to man she doesn't feel comfortable being with because she won't find anyone better? That's beyond my understanding.

On the other hand, after knowing this little about Aloe's mother, now I am less surprised at how Aloe always finds her "faults" in her husband's bad behavior. It's becoming more obvious where are the roots of this tree.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Aloe, I think the main thing to take away from all of our arguing is that we care what happens to you.  So hopefully you don't take any post as if we are judging you.  We do want to see you happy and hope for the best.   

[Welder]

im back with hubby; my mom convinced me to go back;


Hubby for the first time shows signs of actually having thought about the whole ordeal. normally he just agrees to everything i say and puts the whole thing out of his mind in 1 second, but this time when i came home he actually told me his side of the story of the day and his suggestions on how to fix it; so i was so amazed that i inadvertedly agreed to everything, Lol

i told him he ever touch me again ill leave for good

Also went to a psychologist

Congrats Aloe!  Best wishes in attempting to work toward a healthy resolution.  My prayers go out to you and your hubby.  IMHO you will both be in a better place emotionally, together or apart, for working through this tough spot in your marriage.