Sad day

[Aloe]

Well...  then there are 2 options - keep verbalizing and admitting for years to come or act out on that.   



I'm not sure now - why do you want this studio?

That's a good point, i'm good at talking, dreaming and coming up with 3 million different plans but downright horrible when it comes to actually doing something

[Aloe]

What did you think to do?
I mean, did you plan to study, to work after marriage? Or did you have any plans?

Didn't think of those things at all. I thought once hubby came along, everything else would follow I guess i kind of expected to study.

[Boethius]

I'm unhappy because of all the frustration built up in me and because i feel trapped. I'm unhappy because the future is uncertain. I'm unhappy because i don't have a clear goal so life seems pointless. I'm unhappy because my standards for a guy have risen dramatically and hubby does not meet them. I'm unhappy because i have low confidence. I'm unhappy because i'm not satisfied with myself.

From this, the problem, Aloe is you.  I don't mean this in a negative way.  In fact, what you feel is no different from what most women your age feel.  Your husband is not the problem. 

Feeling trapped is a choice.  The future is uncertain for everyone, not just you.  You can choose goals.  You have a lot more choices than many people in life, be thankful for that. 

As for standards, what are they that makes him fall short in such a short period of time?  Is this him, or you?  For, if you are unhappy, no man will meet your standards.  You will have a period of short elation, then fall into the same pattern.  Why is your husband not that you want?  It appears he is trying to appease you - the trip to the US, the birthday gift, the studio.  What do you do to appease him?  What od you do to make him feel warm, comfortable, safe, and connected?  Remember, women set the tone for a marriage.  I have told you before, men, for the most part, are uncomplicated. What do you give him?  Do you have an attitude that you want to be happily married?  Do you wake up asking "What can I do to make my husband's life worth living?"


I'm not suggesting you be a martyr, but to really examine, truthfully, what you have brought into your marriage, as it is two way street.  I do hope that, whatever it is you seek for happiness,  you find it.   I just want to provoke some thought in you, coupled with action.

[Boethius]

Of course i told him. I spent countless hours explaining how this, this and that makes me feel, and why and how and that it's unacceptable. But he has his own opinion. And he either denies, doesn't remember or finds justified everything he does.

The you should tell him that you have spent countless hours telling him this, and from now on forward, when  you feel bullied or physically threatened by him, you will leave the apartment.  If he tries to stop you, you will never come back.  But, you have to mean that.
 

I provoked last two arguments (in april and last week), well, i didn't provoke it, but i made sure it escalated. I guess i'm getting really sick of it. I guess this is also immature on my part. But i feel like talking doesn't do anything and i'm fed up with everything. I am always talking calmly and he's always agreeing with everything i say, but i don't feel that it has an effect. Except this last time when he called me a crazy woman instead of a swear word. That was a surprise But it could be too little too late.

It is only a bad thing if it doesn't move the relationship forward.  You both need to compromise.

[fathertime]

That's a good point, i'm good at talking, dreaming and coming up with 3 million different plans but downright horrible when it comes to actually doing something

Hello,



You say you are a dreamer, a good marital compliment to a dreamer is a doer, or at minimum a spouse that helps motivate you to achieve your dreams.  If your husband is not doing these things, then you must wonder if this was the right choice for YOU.


Fathertime! 

[Aloe]

From this, the problem, Aloe is you.  I don't mean this in a negative way.  In fact, what you feel is no different from what most women your age feel.  Your husband is not the problem. 

Feeling trapped is a choice.  The future is uncertain for everyone, not just you.  You can choose goals.  You have a lot more choices than many people in life, be thankful for that. 

As for standards, what are they that makes him fall short in such a short period of time?  Is this him, or you?  For, if you are unhappy, no man will meet your standards.  You will have a period of short elation, then fall into the same pattern.  Why is your husband not that you want?  It appears he is trying to appease you - the trip to the US, the birthday gift, the studio.  What do you do to appease him?  What od you do to make him feel warm, comfortable, safe, and connected?  Remember, women set the tone for a marriage.  I have told you before, men, for the most part, are uncomplicated. What do you give him?  Do you have an attitude that you want to be happily married?  Do you wake up asking "What can I do to make my husband's life worth living?"


I'm not suggesting you be a martyr, but to really examine, truthfully, what you have brought into your marriage, as it is two way street.  I do hope that, whatever it is you seek for happiness,  you find it.   I just want to provoke some thought in you, coupled with action.

Well, i now want someone very smart and very knowledgeable. Hubby knows nothing about anything. The only thing he knows is programming and that is the only thing he's interested in, programming and that one game. I want someone who is curious about the world, who wants to learn new things, experience new things, see new places, try new activities. Hubby wants none of that, he's perfectly content with everything he has and has no desire whatsoever to try anything new or do anything new. He just works and plays his game, and no other activities are needed. And his general knowledge probably hasn't changed since he left high school or only got worse. He isn't interested in what's going on, he knows nothing about anyone or anything, only programming and has no desire whatsoever to change that. I want someone who has interests and is intellectually curious.

[Voyager36]

Well, i now want someone very smart and very knowledgeable. Hubby knows nothing about anything. I want someone who is curious about the world, who wants to learn new things, experience new things, see new places, try new activities. Hubby wants none of that, he's perfectly content with everything he has and has no desire whatsoever to try anything new or do anything new.

Did you talk about anything like this before you got married?
Was hubby like this when you met him?

[GoodOlBoy]

Hey Aloe!
 
I was a little worried about you.
 
I am glad to see you back here. 
 
Please, promise to come back and keep us updated from time to time.
 
GOB

[Aloe]

Did you talk about anything like this before you got married?
Was hubby like this when you met him?

He was, and so was i but to a lesser extent. But i have changed

[Ooooops]

Hubby knows nothing about anything.
Hubby wants none of that...
He isn't interested ...

Now I'm wondering - is "hubby" a sarcastic nick name for your husband?   

[BillyB]

That's a good point, i'm good at talking, dreaming and coming up with 3 million different plans but downright horrible when it comes to actually doing something

Aloe, from past posts you've given me the impression that you want everything in life now. You want a nice place to live, travel the world, etc.... As you mentioned in the past, your husband isn't making a ton of money but he feeds you, clothes you and pays for your college education. It's going to take time but you have to build your life with your husband together one day at a time like most people do.


When you make demands your husband can't meet or afford, you make him feel worthless and he will react in bad ways and snap. You mentioned you feel trapped in a life you don't want so like a cat who's cornered, you will get aggressive to get out of it.

I provoked last two arguments (in april and last week), well, i didn't provoke it, but i made sure it escalated.

Don't do this again. Although a man should never hit a woman, you should never push your husband's hot buttons till he snaps. What good can come of escalating an argument?


You have the greatest power to change your husband more than anybody else but you have to use the right techniques. First start changing yourself and give him no reason to respond to you in a bad manner. Your focus shouldn't be looking for the perfect husband now. Your focus should be helping your husband grow.

[Aloe]

Hubby has frequently mentioned in the past that his ideal marriage is what his father has. But his father is a total d-bag to his wife. That's the worst i've seen a woman treated. She is running around like a slave, serving him, pleasing every tiniest little whim and blowing dust off him. He treats her very disrespectfully, language and mocking and actions. Basically she's like his slave, literally, anything goes and in front of everyone.
But hubby only visited his dad like once in two weeks growing up, and lived with his mom most of the time. Hubby's mom controls the stepdad, making him do tons of things without a minute's rest (Although his mom is super active as well and doesn't give herself a minute's rest either). And hubby really despises that.
I think hubby secretly feels that he is being like his stepdad and resents me for it.

[Voyager36]

Aloe, from past posts you've given me the impression that you want everything in life now. You want a nice place to live, travel the world, etc.... As you mentioned in the past, your husband isn't making a ton of money but he feeds you, clothes you and pays for your college education. It's going to take time but you have to build your life with your husband together one day at a time like most people do.

When you make demands your husband can't meet or afford, you make him feel worthless and he will react in bad ways and snap.

Actually it wasn't so much about money Billy.

Well, i now want someone very smart and very
knowledgeable. Hubby knows nothing about anything. The
only thing he knows is programming and that is the only thing he's interested
in, programming and that one game. I want someone who is curious about
the world, who wants to learn new things, experience new things, see new places,
try new activities

It isn't about a rich life, it's about a fulfilling life.

[Ozzimusician]

Aloe, from past posts you've given me the impression that you want everything in life now. You want a nice place to live, travel the world, etc.... As you mentioned in the past, your husband isn't making a ton of money but he feeds you, clothes you and pays for your college education. It's going to take time but you have to build your life with your husband together one day at a time like most people do.


When you make demands your husband can't meet or afford, you make him feel worthless and he will react in bad ways and snap. You mentioned you feel trapped in a life you don't want so like a cat who's cornered, you will get aggressive to get out of it.



Don't do this again. Although a man should never hit a woman, you should never push your husband's hot buttons till he snaps. What good can come of escalating an argument?


You have the greatest power to change your husband more than anybody else but you have to use the right techniques. First start changing yourself and give him no reason to respond to you in a bad manner. Your focus shouldn't be looking for the perfect husband now. Your focus should be helping your husband grow.

It's pretty clear really - once there is:
1. physical assault from the husband - and let's not make any excuses here or try to reclassify it - it's plain and simple assault; and
2. Contempt by the wife - she oozes it now - he is a nobody who knows nothing about anything.


This's triage is over Aloe - life is short - Dont waste time.

I spent 3 years trying to save a relationship - counseling - compromise - writing lists to each other about what we liked - romantic holidays - all of it.  Truth is - we just were wrong for each other - we made a mistake - or maybe just I did.  Like you - I learnt during that failed relationship what I actually wanted and needed. All I did was waste time trying to save it.

There is a saying "don't flog a dead horse" it's not going to get up and run again.

Fly free little bird fly free.

[Voyager36]

Hubby has frequently mentioned in the past that his ideal marriage is what his father has. But his father is a total d-bag to his wife. That's the worst i've seen a woman treated. She is running around like a slave, serving him, pleasing every tiniest little whim and blowing dust off him. He treats her very disrespectfully, language and mocking and actions. Basically she's like his slave, literally, anything goes and in front of everyone.
But hubby only visited his dad like once in two weeks growing up, and lived with his mom most of the time. Hubby's mom controls the stepdad, making him do tons of things without a minute's rest (Although his mom is super active as well and doesn't give herself a minute's rest either). And hubby really despises that.
I think hubby secretly feels that he is being like his stepdad and resents me for it.

And hubby now seems to take after his Dad...
Did hubby meet your parents before marrige?
And did you meet his?

[Ooooops]

Aloe, so why did you want to have this studio for years now?

[Aloe]

Aloe, so why did you want to have this studio for years now?

Because i'm sick of 3 hour commute to university and wanna live close by it, and because i've been doubting our marriage for the past 3 years.

[Ooooops]

Because i'm sick of 3 hour commute to university and wanna live close by it, and because i've been doubting our marriage for the past 3 years.

3 hour commute?   Ouch!  Or is it a return trip?   


Well...   So what's holding you in this marriage?   Do you have a clear answer to that?   May be you should talk about it to you shrink as well?..

[Boethius]

Because i'm sick of 3 hour commute to university and wanna live close by it, and because i've been doubting our marriage for the past 3 years.

I don't think you are being fair to your husband if this is the case, Aloe.  Don't take a studio to escape your husband.  If part of the reason you are doing this is to escape your marriage, be a grown up, leave him, and give him the opportunity to build a new life.  But, I would suggest you split your assets 50/50.

[Aloe]

I don't think you are being fair to your husband if this is the case, Aloe.  Don't take a studio to escape your husband.  If part of the reason you are doing this is to escape your marriage, be a grown up, leave him, and give him the opportunity to build a new life.  But, I would suggest you split your assets 50/50.

Part of the reason is to spend time apart and see how we both like it. Splitting assets 50/50 would be madness, cuz i have hundreds of times more assets which were a gift

[GoodOlBoy]

But, I would suggest you split your assets 50/50.

Agree and make sure to get that money back that he took from you that your Mom and Dad gave you.
 
That was totally inappropriate.
 
GOB

[Ooooops]

If part of the reason you are doing this is to escape your marriage, be a grown up, leave him, and give him the opportunity to build a new life. 

I see it as a separation trial.   And Aloe says the same, I believe:

And after a few months in the studio everything will become obvious by itself i think.

The only thing I would do different - I wouldn't wait till September.   But I don't know what Aloe's argument in renting this studio was - attempt to live apart and take a side look at their marriage or simply "I'm sick and tired of long commute"...

[Boethius]

I see it as a separation trial.

But she should be honest, that this is what it is.  It is unfair to him to let him believe this is something he is doing to keep her happy and married.

[Ooooops]

But she should be honest, that this is what it is.  It is unfair to him to let him believe this is something he is doing to keep her happy and married.

Agree.   But timing (September) leads me to believe that Aloe didn't tell "hubby" about the real reasons for this studio rent... 

[GoodOlBoy]

It is unfair to him.........

She owes him nothing.
 
He should really get on his hands and knees and thank God Aloe did not call the police and have him arrested after he choked her.
 
GOB