Is it what it is?

[Newman]

After meeting with and spending the better part of a week with a beautiful young lady in Odessa in November 2012 we stayed in contact on vk.com (I know her profile was 100% legit), on a very regular basis, using google translate proved pretty good. This supplemented by the odd letter translation, meant we could communicate relatively well...  During that week I did everything expected of me, paid for all the dates, dinners, horse riding, ten-pin bowling, lunches, breakfasts, movies, translator, ice-skating, taxi's, gifts for her parents and her etc... apart from holding hands, hugging and a lite peck or two of a kiss there was no more intimacy than that the entire week. I never met her parents who she lived with or went to her house. She did not pitch up at the airport when I left and apologised for oversleeping. She was always late very late for everything.

Then after leaving Odessa we did not communicate much for the month of December, as the interpreters daughter had pneumonia and was in hospital for 2 weeks and my lady was in the countryside with her parents for a few weeks, this is where my mistrust started to set in. But I didn't have anything substantiating this mistrust, it could really have been true. We started communicating again more in January 2013 when the interpreter got back. My lady told me then that she was retrenched from her work, and was unemployed and looking for a new job, more problems, more mistrust from me, anyway I went with it, as I had no evidence to the contrary. I invited her to come to stay with me, and offered to arrange private hotel accommodation for her if she preferred that to staying with me, and private English tuition, why waste time not working in Odessa, when she could be here learning English, was my logic, she declined.

We talked about her coming to my country, but she was very non-committal, the interpreter said I was putting her under too much pressure, which I accepted and said I would back off a little on that.

I started sending money for her private English tuition with the interpreter, who had a rather "flexible" billing method, anyway lessons were in the evenings after 8pm which is when we spoke on Skype twice. I asked what we should do when I came again to visit her in May 2013 for our respective birthdays which are within a week of each other, she is turning 23 and I am turning 34 (my parents still married for 43 years are 12 years apart)... The interpreter later told me agian that she felt under too much pressure and that my lady said that a lot of things could happen in the future and who knew where we would be in a month or two when I was there. Although the interpreter did say that my lady liked me. I took this to be a kind of brush off... In the months of our communications she never once initiated contact with me. I was coming a long way for so little certainty or even reciprocation of my commitment. So I asked the interpreter if she had any advise for me on any other ladies that I could meet with when i came there... My lady started ignoring my messages on VK, later I discovered that the interpreter wasted no time in telling my lady about my request to meet other ladies. Then I asked my lady why she was ignoring me, to which she replied that she did not want to stand in the way of me "building a fortune with lonely girls". She also said that I had offended her and infuriated her, she used both those words. Not upset, hurt, sad or disappointed...

I tried to make good the issue that I created, as best I could and asked if I could make it up to her when I got there, that was if she was still willing to see me... to which she replied something in the lines of she was keen to see me, but she had a viral infection in her eyes and the 4 doctors she had seen did not know what the problem was and said it would take 2 months and she would not want me to see her in that state.

I really thought this was another brush-off and I thought that this eye infection could not possibly be. I told her I was sorry to hear that, then later said that she could have just told me that she was not interested in me... She replied, and told me that I was selfish and I thought only of myself... I thought she was lying, I asked her to send a picture of her eyes, which she did immediately proving that she has a serious eye infection...

I apologised agreed with her that I was selfish and thought only of myself, and added in there that I was an idiot, just for good measure. She said goodbye and blocked me from her profile on VK.

Now I am sitting here really, really worried about her and her eye infection, willing to do whatever it takes to help her in whatever way possible, I have offered by SMS this morning to send her money but she hasn't even replied to that.

Any comments, advise or ideas on how I can find peace in this appreciated.


 

 

[Faux Pas]

There is no peace with that woman. She is a gamer and a pro dater. move on

[Shadow]

Agreed, move on.
Even if all she has said is true, her level of interest is far below what it should be, and you are not going to repair the issues.

[Larry1]

The people who responded above are absolutely right: move on.  Even before the "eye infection" she had minimal interest in you.  Find another girl or girls and visit her/them on your May vacation.

[Ade]

At the very least, she was never really interested in you.


Next time, be aware that if someone is into you in a big enough way to make this international thing worthwhile, you will know it. Don't be so desperate that you are willing to accept being a walking wallet for a woman out of your league.

[GoodOlBoy]

... she is turning 23....

22yo.... Odessa.... are you kidding me?
Move on to another town.
 
GOB

[Belvis]

Unforunately I never has affairs of the heart with Odessa girls. I'd like to just to see if they're really so legendary twisters men told about.

[GQBlues]

IMO, this is what I think is wrong.....why try and start a relationship with anyone who doesn't speak English? Ukraine have a population loaded enough who speak English, right?

You easily transformed into eager beaver. You catered to her, patronized her. You hung on every moves she made, in short, you're a PW waiting to happen. Strangest of all, you're not even an American.

Relax around the ladies. Pro-dater, etc...are humans too. You just need to act like you've done this before and not find yourself planning your wedding when the gal isn't even in the same wavelength as you.

Do your search over and meet someone else so you can at least divert 'some' of your attention to someone else for a change. You seem needy & desperate.

[mendeleyev]

...and stop paying for English lessons and translator fees. The translator and the gal are a pair and share a common interest in you as expressed in Euros.

[Gator]

Mikey,
 
 
 
There are few many aspects of this relationship which I find strange:
 
1.  Language.   I am someone who married a RW who spoke little English when we first met.  Without serious, direct (without interpreter) conversations, your feelings alone are not sufficiently reliable to make long-term decisions.  You must proceed slowly.   It takes much time (years) before the two of you can be ready for marriage.  The clock can not be fast forwarded, and most men do not have such time.   
 
2.  Lack of Interest.  There is nothing to suggest that this woman is interested in you.  In fact, the signals she gives you say "go away."  Yet you continue to pursue her.  She must be remarkably beautiful.  How did you meet her?
 
3.  Weak Offer.   You were pushing for her to move to your country after having spent only the "better of a week" together.   A woman would have to be very desperate or not too smart to accept such a proposal.   In her mind the best outcome is that she learns some English while losing opportunities for finding a better job in Odessa and better men.  Also, she will miss her family and friends.
 
4.   Sex.   Based on your offer that she could stay in a hotel in South Africa, it seems that the two of you had not slept together  Yet, you want her to move to your country.  Most RW would consider this weird, and you are in a fantasy.
 
If still interested in RW, please start over.  Consult with RWD to develop a better plan.
 
 

[Muzh]

IMO, this is what I think is wrong.....why try and start a relationship with anyone who doesn't speak English? Ukraine have a population loaded enough who speak English, right?

This, and also learn how things happen in her country. What you take for granted is not necessarily the same for her.

I understand many of the girls like to be pursued and will make you do it. You have to win her over.

I don't think she was 100% good time girl, but you blew it. Blame the lack of communication.

Chuck this to experience and try again.

[Hammer2722]

Mikey, you story is the perfect example of the typical Odessa Pro-dater!!! Dude, you have been played. This girl has zero interest in you. After only one week you are already offering to pay for English lessons? Understand this, both your lady and her interpreter are splitting the money you send for lessons.
 
You need to spend some time one this forum reading and learning before venturing forth again if your still interested. Stay away from girls ages 18- 25. Most of them are still trying to figure themselves out. Good luck.

[Patagonie]

After meeting with and spending the better part of a week with a beautiful young lady in Odessa in November 2012 we stayed in contact on vk.com (I know her profile was 100% legit), on a very regular basis, using google translate proved pretty good. This supplemented by the odd letter translation, meant we could communicate relatively well...  During that week I did everything expected of me, paid for all the dates, dinners, horse riding, ten-pin bowling, lunches, breakfasts, movies, translator, ice-skating, taxi's, gifts for her parents and her etc... apart from holding hands, hugging and a lite peck or two of a kiss there was no more intimacy than that the entire week. I never met her parents who she lived with or went to her house. She did not pitch up at the airport when I left and apologised for oversleeping. She was always late very late for everything.

Who provide and choice the translator ?

Then after leaving Odessa we did not communicate much for the month of December, as the interpreters daughter had pneumonia and was in hospital for 2 weeks and my lady was in the countryside with her parents for a few weeks, this is where my mistrust started to set in. But I didn't have anything substantiating this mistrust, it could really have been true. We started communicating again more in January 2013 when the interpreter got back. My lady told me then that she was retrenched from her work, and was unemployed and looking for a new job, more problems, more mistrust from me, anyway I went with it, as I had no evidence to the contrary. I invited her to come to stay with me, and offered to arrange private hotel accommodation for her if she preferred that to staying with me, and private English tuition, why waste time not working in Odessa, when she could be here learning English, was my logic, she declined.

She was not interested

We talked about her coming to my country, but she was very non-committal, the interpreter said I was putting her under too much pressure, which I accepted and said I would back off a little on that.

You have not fucked her yet

I started sending money for her private English tuition with the interpreter, who had a rather "flexible" billing method, anyway lessons were in the evenings after 8pm which is when we spoke on Skype twice.

You are stubborn and stupid, what is your experience with women ?

 I asked what we should do when I came again to visit her in May 2013 for our respective birthdays which are within a week of each other,

You put romantism and a relationship where there are any

she is turning 23 and I am turning 34 (my parents still married for 43 years are 12 years apart)... The interpreter

This interpreter likes your money

 later told me agian that she felt under too much pressure and that my lady said that a lot of things could happen in the future and who knew where we would be in a month or two when I was there. Although the interpreter did say that my lady liked me. I took this to be a kind of brush off... In the months of our communications she never once initiated contact with me. I was coming a long way for so little certainty or even reciprocation of my commitment

Commitment of what ? Of your fantaisy ?

. So I asked the interpreter if she had any advise for me on any other ladies that I could meet with when i came there... My lady started ignoring my messages on VK, later I discovered that the interpreter wasted no time in telling my lady about my request to meet other ladies. Then I asked my lady why she was ignoring me, to which she replied that she did not want to stand in the way of me "building a fortune with lonely girls". She also said that I had offended her and infuriated her, she used both those words. Not upset, hurt, sad or disappointed...

Your interpreter and the lady seem to have a good deal together.

I tried to make good the issue that I created, as best I could and asked if I could make it up to her when I got there, that was if she was still willing to see me... to which she replied something in the lines of she was keen to see me, but she had a viral infection in her eyes and the 4 doctors she had seen did not know what the problem was and said it would take 2 months and she would not want me to see her in that state.

I really thought this was another brush-off and I thought that this eye infection could not possibly be. I told her I was sorry to hear that, then later said that she could have just told me that she was not interested in me... She replied, and told me that I was selfish and I thought only of myself... I thought she was lying, I asked her to send a picture of her eyes, which she did immediately proving that she has a serious eye infection...

I apologised agreed with her that I was selfish and thought only of myself, and added in there that I was an idiot, just for good measure. She said goodbye and blocked me from her profile on VK.

Now I am sitting here really, really worried about her and her eye infection, willing to do whatever it takes to help her in whatever way possible, I have offered by SMS this morning to send her money but she hasn't even replied to that.

Absolutely nothing happened with this gal don't worry. Just the team tasted your money, which always tastes  good.

Any comments, advise or ideas on how I can find peace in this appreciated.


You need to date in your country, when you will have 25 more notchs on your weapon, come back in FSU.
You could finish almost dead in your room elseif, we would prefer an other ending for you.

Last thing : choose a lady of 25 years minimum, 28 will be better, and forget Odessa.


 

 

[ML]

As some have said, get some  dating experience in your home country, even if with unattractive (to you women).

Then go on a WMVM trip  to FSU to get an idea of what is really available.

From the WMVM trip, see if any are worthwhile focusing in on for later VO visits.

There are tens of thousands of appropriate women for you in FSU.
Why did you focus in on one . . . and the wrong one at that . . . so early in your search??????

DON'T GO TO ODESA.

Go to Kharkiv, Dnipropetrosk, Donestk, Lugansk, Simferopol, and even Lviv . . . but stay away from Odesa.

[Shadow]

Great advice... marry a local girl, divorce after 10-15 years and then start hunting the 25-year olds by going on a tour with other old farts...

Your age is not th problem, inequal level of commitment is.
When dealing with FSUW, this is the method: you make the first step and see if after that she drags you in. If not, the second step is backwards.

[BillyB]

I have offered by SMS this morning to send her money but she hasn't even replied to that.

If she is a good woman in any way, she would be offended by you trying to buy her love. I believe she does have good in her because she ignored your offer. Send no more money. It's over. Move on.

[Larry1]

When dealing with FSUW, this is the method: you make the first step and see if after that she drags you in. If not, the second step is backwards.

A memorable way to put it.

[Ranetka]

Then I asked my lady why she was ignoring me, to which she replied that she did not want to stand in the way of me "building a fortune with lonely girls".

If this is how your translator/interpreter translated "устроить судьбу с одинокой девушкой" please do not use her anymore, find a professional. This one will only add to confusion :-)

[Chicagoguy]

If you ever find the right woman things should go more smoothly. This one is too much trouble.

[ML]

Just today, I gave my Gal an overview of what the OP wrote.

I don't think anyone mentioned this before . . . so I will post the quickest response my Gal gave.

She said . . . it is virtually inconceivable that any 23 old woman in Ukraine cannot speak and understand conversational English . . . particularly women living in the larger cities.

[Newman]

Thanks everyone for the responses, great to get view points from others with similar interest.
In response to the responses, I don't think that she was out of my league necessarily, other than maybe the age difference, even for Ukraine a little big, but, looks and physical attributes she may be a half notch above me, as for Education similar level etc...
The problem was I spent a week and a half in Odessa before meeting her and suffered severely from the "kid in a candy store" syndrome, so when I met her. I thought I need to focus, otherwise I'll spread myself too thin and really get nowhere.
I have never been married but have had several long term relationships one or two nearly turned into engagements... I have been a bachelor mostly now for the last few years. I realise I can be a little unrealistic when it comes to romance, because really, the romance has to be special for it to replace my single life, which is pretty, well very good, apart from the lack of romance... So not desperate either, really well fussy.
I don't have a problem attracting women, live well and love living in Africa, but people of European descent like me are in the minority, and I have a preference for white women, so this demographic reality where I live is what inspired me to go look elsewhere. Not because I can’t find a date or a wife here, but because I can’t find one in my league.  I'd just rather stay single...  my "desperation" I like to call enthusiasm was too focussed on this one lady... I could well have come across as desperate which is not attractive to anyone. I was too focussed on a result rather than enjoying the company and the journey, and canning right then and there if not.
I don’t think she was particularly nasty, but certainly think her interpreter was guiding the communication towards her own enrichment, I would never have sent money to her for English lessons if the interpreter hadn’t pushed me in that direction, with her controlling most of our communication, I was really in her hands. She was holding all the cards. Although I did raise this problem with my lady directly who said she felt comfortable with this interpreter, obviously because of their arrangement. My level of frustration with the interpreter got to boiling points at times, and I think I have learned an important lesson, and that is to choose my interpreter and on my terms, always and only.
Its complex and fine line to draw, moving on to the next one and the next one and the next one... Pursuing a woman and really wasting your time. I've been doing this all my life, hence my misplaced focus on her, in an effort to stop moving on to the next one and the next one...
The thing that really got me stuck was the fact that I was the only male on her profile on vk.com with a western type surname, this indicated that she could not be a pro-dater, yet, at least.
To my surprise, and since I last posted, she sent me a message on viber thanking me for my help, and saying that she should be alright after one more week of treatment… So she did not exploit my offer of money I would have sent, and I think she knew it...
So after thinking I was calling her bluff, and her not accepting money… She can only be sincere, Although I think I may have blown it now. I think also that I was too eager too easy and too compromising, it left no challenge for her and she thought well, while I have this one in the bag let me see if I can get something better… Human nature…

[ML]

Good to see that you are looking at this rationally now.

Hope you can plan rationally for the next visit and carry it off rationally.

Best to  you.

[LAman]

Mikey,
 If you want I can give you some names and numbers for people in Odessa to help you in any way you need.
I love it when people say to stay away from Odessa, apparently some guys going there are not able to 'buy' the girl's affection ......and of course it has nothing to do with being lonely, desperate and non-realistic.
Just last week in a restaurant strolled a tall blonde beauty with another lady.....as they sat down( on same side) in a booth next to mine , I hear the sound of English language....and glance over to see a nerdy looking short guy with glasses, not old but picture Pee wee Herman.......the girl I was having dinner with asked me 'Why'???? To which I had NO answer..... I thought GQ would love this story!!!!
I know, I know..everyone needs a little lovin....and looks can easily be deceivin....

[LAman]

Mikey..what happened to you.....everything okay??

I see you are a 'Newman' now......hope that is a good sign!!!

[Newman]

Hi Laman Im fine, finally got closure with the girl, this evening in fact walking in Odessa, we went for tea... There is nothing too complicated about the end of this story, she is just a young girl having fun playing childish games with and getting a big ego boost from a way too eager foreigner... I came with the wrong approach, and man am I a sucker for pretty young ladies. she speaks near perfect English, and there is no chance that she could have learned this level of English in such a short period of time. That was another deception, So there was loads of dishonesty I was naive, I know better now. Although i have learned a lot, and its been interesting so far my overall experience in general with women here has been pretty negative... And I have met and or communicated with at least 7 different women and well maybe been too eager or tried too hard... For me, it seems that somewhere in navigating through and around the uncertainties of Internet dating, I loose the chance or possibility of any kind of romance or trust.