You think you know what a successful relationship is? Let's hear it.

[LiveFromUkraine]

 
The idea of what a successful relationship has come up in my mind very frequently when visiting this forum.  I find relationships, marriage and cultural trends more and more fascinating which is why I enjoy reading many of the threads on this forum.
 
 It isn’t much of a big deal to be divorced now while it was a pretty big no-no in the past.  I always thought marriage was a till end do us part but we see people posting that 10 years is considered successful. 
 
So, what is a success relationship? 
 
I know everyone will have a different version of success and that is really the way it should be.  Too bad many try to push their versions on others.  I am guilty of this at times and have been trying to remind myself my happiness isn’t the same as others.
 
My parents have been married for over 43 years.  My grandparents were just short of 60.  They had a marriage that works for them.    For me, their relationship wouldn’t work.   I have learned a great deal from them.  I learned what they felt they did right and what they felt they did wrong.
 
If a relationship ends many people call it a train wreck.  They may call it a failure.  I have even had someone on this forum try to use my failed relationship as a negative about me.  To me, that type of rhetoric is amusing.  I find it interesting how people can see things so drastically different.  One will see it as a negative and another as a positive. 
 

 My answer to a successful relationship was one that made you happy and left you a better person regardless how long it lasted.
 
I grow as a person from my experiences.  I learn more about what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy.   Looking back to all my relations, I can't help but be happy with the things I needed to learn.  I wouldn't change any of them.
 
I am interested in hearing what you consider a success.  There is no right or wrong answer here.  Well, the only right or wrong answer would be for you specifically.  Heh  Hell maybe we can even learn more about where other members are coming from based on their response.

[CanadaMan]

No one seems to be taking your bait Live.

Let's see if I can kick start the discussion.

A successful relationship is one where ... both partners speak a common language.   

[BillyB]

 

So, what is a success relationship? 
 
I know everyone will have a different version of success and that is really the way it should be. 
 

 
 
When I see my wife happy and healthy, and hearing people compliment her on her personality and character, and people telling me I found a winner, it tells me I have a successful marriage. I know most men would love to have a woman as beautiful as my wife, even if it lasts a day, but the truth is most men here at this forum have a bigger desire for a happy marriage and all that beauty without happiness doesn't amount to a happy marriage.
 
 
 

I know everyone will have a different version of success and that is really the way it should be. Too bad many try to push their versions on others. I am guilty of this at times and have been trying to remind myself my happiness isn’t the same as others.

 
 
Without a poll being taken, I think most people deep down understand where they stand. They have a relationship that most people either want or don't want.
 
 
 

No one seems to be taking your bait Live.

 
 
Ouch! Where did this hook in my lip come from?

 

[LiveFromUkraine]

No one seems to be taking your bait Live.

Let's see if I can kick start the discussion.

A successful relationship is one where ... both partners speak a common language.   

hah, No baiting...


Does a man speak the same language as a woman?    I do think cultural differences make it tough and it becomes even tougher when you don't speak the same language.  That can be overcome and may even bring the two closer.  On the flip side, it can drive both of them crazy.  heh


I wanted it to be a honest discussion where no answer is "wrong".  Society has a plan for us and when we don't do as planned we are considered strange.  In Ukraine, not being married by a certain age means something is wrong with you.  Being divorced is better than never being married.  No kids means you got some medical issues.  hah


In the past, divorce was a bad thing.  Now it isn't a big deal. 


It is interesting to me how this type of stuff changes.

[LiveFromUkraine]

 
 
 
When I see my wife happy and healthy, and hearing people compliment her on her personality and character, and people telling me I found a winner, it tells me I have a successful marriage. I know most men would love to have a woman as beautiful as my wife, even if it lasts a day, but the truth is most men here at this forum have a bigger desire for a happy marriage and all that beauty without happiness doesn't amount to a happy marriage.
 
 
 

You went outside the norms and married a woman from another country (like many of us).   You even out did others and married a much younger woman. 


I would imagine some think your marriage won't work (I always hope relationships work for everyone) which begs an interesting question.

Hypothetical situation:

Say the worst happens and divorce is inevitable.  Some people would say it was a failure.


Now say you were married for 10 years prior to a divorce.  Would that still be considered a failure even though 10 years are suppose to be some magical number that says you were a success?  The end result was still divorce.



I remember a good friend of mine commenting "what a waste of time" when I got divorced.  I didn't really understand why he said that.  That experience was exactly what I needed at the time.  He didn't see how the experience helped me to learn more about what I wanted.  I don't know if I would be as happy as I am today without that time.   This was the same guy who stayed with a woman for over 7 years knowing he wouldn't marry her.   

[BillyB]

I remember a good friend of mine commenting "what a waste of time" when I got divorced. 
 
  This was the same guy who stayed with a woman for over 7 years knowing he wouldn't marry her.   

 
 I got a WTF reaction from a few friends when I got married to my current wife. Even as stunning as my wife is, they asked me "Why did you get married?". It was even more puzzling to them since I had success dating local women. Maybe they like variety, maybe they like the freedom of being single, or don't want responsibilities that come with marriage, and certainly they think guys like us got it wrong since their views on anyone being married are all bad.

[lonedrake]

My answer to a successful relationship was one that made you happy and left you a better person regardless how long it lasted.
 

 Sounds like a player to me! As long as you get what you want....who cares how it affected the other person. If you are a good looking smooth talking guy you can have another successful relationship every week...maybe even three or four a week!

 My personal view is that all of my previous relationships have failed. The one common denominator of all these failed relationships is me.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Sounds like a player to me! As long as you get what you want....who cares how it affected the other person. If you are a good looking smooth talking guy you can have another successful relationship every week...maybe even three or four a week!

Is not caring about the other person really making you a better person?  I would say no.  I also consider a relationship one that is monogamous and lasts longer than a week.

My personal view is that all of my previous relationships have failed. The one common denominator of all these failed relationships is me.

Taking responsibility for your weaknesses is a great way to take control and change what needs to be changed.


In order to be able to see where you are coming from, you need to throw me a bone in terms of what you consider a failure and what you consider a success.

[lonedrake]

Is not caring about the other person really making you a better person?  I would say no.  I also consider a relationship one that is monogamous and lasts longer than a week.

 Hey...I only responded to what you wrote. If that is not what you consider a successful relationship.....you should modify your message as to what you believe a successful relationship is.

 As far as throwing a bone....I will say that if your goal is "forever" and it does not last "forever" it is a failed relationship. If your goal is one year to make you happy and it last one year and you move on...then you could call it a success.

 If you enter a relationship with a woman and these are your views...then you should just be upfront and tell her your views. Some may even agree with it

[LiveFromUkraine]

Hey...I only responded to what you wrote. If that is not what you consider a successful relationship.....you should modify your message as to what you believe a successful relationship is.

 As far as throwing a bone....I will say that if your goal is "forever" and it does not last "forever" it is a failed relationship. If your goal is one year to make you happy and it last one year and you move on...then you could call it a success.

 If you enter a relationship with a woman and these are your views...then you should just be upfront and tell her your views. Some may even agree with it

Oh boy...

You quoted what I posted.  A portion of what I posted was leaving the relationship a better person.  If you think not caring about the person you are in a relationship with makes you a better person then that says more about you.  For me, I don't think it makes you a better person.  Maybe you're having a reading comprehension problem.

Do you generally get into relationships expecting it to last a particular time period.  Like a month, year or years?

[lonedrake]

 All I did was quote what you posted I am not a mind reader. If you want to change your answer to what a successful relationship is feel free.

 Besides

There is no right or wrong answer here.

Do you generally get into relationships expecting it to last a particular time period.  Like a month, year or years?

Yes. "forever"

 

[LiveFromUkraine]

All I did was quote what you posted I am not a mind reader. If you want to change your answer to what a successful relationship is feel free.

 Besides
Yes. "forever"

Yeah, there are no right or wrong answers to what is a successful relationship and what is a failure.  That isn't the same as me trying to correct your incorrect understanding of what I stated was mine.   

[Gator]

Interesting question.  Very interesting question.  My answer is similar to yours except that I stress "both people" being that a relationship involves two people.
 


My answer to a successful relationship:   both people can say they are happy for the time together,  they parted amicably, they harbor no animosity today, and they both benefited.

 

 

[Daveman]

There is no single definition of a successful relationship.  I would define such as two individuals relating naturally together in a mutually beneficial situation which provides positive environment and influence for the needs and growth, physically and/or emotionally, for both. 


It always is what it appears to be while it seems to be until it isn't. 


'Mutually beneficial' would be defined by the individuals.

[CanadaMan]

You think you know what a successful relationship is?  Let's hear it.

My answer to a successful relationship:   both people can say they are happy for the time together,  they parted amicably, they harbor no animosity today, and they both benefited.

Firstly, I find it rather odd that you talk about an unsuccessful relationship in the same breath as a successful one.

You give your answer as to what constitutes a successful relationship and then immediately talk about an unsuccessful one (parted amicably, they harbor no animosity today).

If the relationship was truly successful, the couple would still be together.

Secondly, if the relationship you are thinking of was 'successful' for a period of time and then went downhill, wouldn't it make more sense to just talk about the successful part? That's what the question was asking about (success).

Thirdly, it is possible for a couple to have a 'successful' relationship for a period of time and then part unamicably, and harbor animosity afterwards.

The 'successful' part could be exactly the same, in terms of quality, as for a couple who part amicably and harbor no animosity after a breakup.

[Vasilisa]

There is no single definition of a successful relationship.  I would define such as two individuals relating naturally together in a mutually beneficial situation which provides positive environment and influence for the needs and growth, physically and/or emotionally, for both. 


It always is what it appears to be while it seems to be until it isn't. 


'Mutually beneficial' would be defined by the individuals.

That's a perfect explanation:)

[Gator]

There is no single definition of a successful relationship.  I would define such as two individuals relating naturally together in a mutually beneficial situation which provides positive environment and influence for the needs and growth, physically and/or emotionally, for both. 

This sounds very similar to the definition of symbiosis in biology, although the human relationship is not obligate and the two are the same species (some would argue that men and women are not the same species).   

[LAman]

This sounds very similar to the definition of symbiosis in biology, although the human relationship is not obligate and the two are the same species (some would argue that men and women are not the same species).   

Which reminds me of a cute joke....
How do you tell the difference between a boy chromosome and a girl chromosome.......pull down their (j)genes.

[Gator]

Which reminds me of a cute joke....
How do you tell the difference between a boy chromosome and a girl chromosome.......pull down their (j)genes.

That is cute.       Something that can be told in mixed company and everyone smiles.

[Gator]

If the relationship was truly successful, the couple would still be together.

Your definition of successful relationship is reasonable, and I imagine many subscribe to the same.  However it is not my definition.
 
What about those girlfriends in our teenage years?   We were nice to each other, broke apart for any of a number of acceptable if not good reasons, and learned something or benefitted.  A couple of those girls taught me much that I could never learn in a book, and perhaps I did the same for them.
 
Being unsuccessful in my opinion is wishing that I had never entered it.  My relationship with my AW wife of 25 years gave me two sons, and I will forever be thankful to her.  I can not imagine life without my sons, which would be the case if she and I did not marry.  She was fun when not ill.  Yes, a success even though an armored car and four bodyguards were needed to collect her divorce payment.
 
I was married before that, for 10 years.  Fantastic woman.  She was gifted socially, and worked the social ladder that helped advance my career.  I helped her complete her schooling and she became an attorney with a private practice, something she had trouble undertaking while married to me because we moved frequently on my way up.   And we had so much fun together.
 
Even my Moscow wife was a lot of fun and adventure for many years (before we married).      I learned much from her that helped me when meeting the "crown of crowns," my Cossack woman.
 
This goes on and on.  I am happy for every woman with whom I had a relationship whether for one month or 25 years.  I enjoy women.

[LAman]

There is no single definition of a successful relationship.  I would define such as two individuals relating naturally together in a mutually beneficial situation which provides positive environment and influence for the needs and growth, physically and/or emotionally, for both. 

There is really no thing as a 'successful relationship'!!
It is an ongoing thing...going up, going down. Anything dealing with emotions and feelings can change drastically in a short period of time. Maybe you need to be in your graves and look back and to be able to say it was a successful relationship, who knows.
I think relationships are best described close, good, distant, loving or even friendship........

[CanadaMan]

If the relationship was truly successful, the couple would still be together.

Your definition of successful relationship is reasonable, and I imagine many subscribe to the same.  However it is not my definition.

Gator I haven't given my definition of a successful relationship. 

I simply mentioned the typical yardstick used for measuring the success of a relationship.

I understand where you are coming from. You have talked about various relationships you have had in your life, stating that most if not all, were successful.

I would like to mention two things.

Firstly, you haven't addressed one point I made in my last post.

The fact that two people can part from a relationship amicably or unamicably, after having been happy most of the time they were together.

Is the former relationship any more worthy than the latter?

You seemed to imply that it is.

Secondly, let's take a look at two different life scenarios.

One man marries a woman and they live happily ever after. They never divorce. They have no reason to. They are both genuinely in love and stay that way until they die.

Another man has a series of relationships and five marriages. Each relationship and marriage is deemed a success, by the man.

How would the average man/woman view these two men in terms of successful relationships?

[Oops]

A successful relationship is one where ... both partners speak a common language.   

...the language of Love...   

BTW, what is "success"?   Our friends Merriam and Webster tell us this:

Definition of SUCCESS

1 - obsolete : outcome, result
2 - a : degree or measure of succeeding
     b : favorable or desired outcome

If one to follow along these lines then every relationship is successful, as long as it reached desired outcome.  And people desires tend to change with time...

[CanadaMan]

A successful relationship is one where ... both partners speak a common language. 

...the language of Love...   

My post was partly tongue-in-cheek (due to the nature of some recent threads) but also deliberately open-ended. One of the open ends I was thinking about, is the one you mentioned above (language of love). 

BTW, what is "success"?   Our friends Merriam and Webster tell us this:

...
If one to follow along these lines then every relationship is successful, as long as it reached desired outcome.  And people desires tend to change with time...

Yes, even a horrible relationship can be massaged into a 'success story' if one tries hard enough. 

[Ooooops]

Yes, even a horrible relationship can be massaged into a 'success story' if one tries hard enough. 

Story in black and blue.  Stretched canvas.   Author unknown.