I struggled with the title of this post. Perhaps my struggle will turn out to be futile but just to reveal my thoughts, the title was first going to be "
The Hall of Mirrors" (Versailles) or "
Parting with Illusions" (Vladimir Posner). It shall be neither because we'd all get lost in the mirrors, myself included, and none of us really wants to part with our pet illusions.
In the landmark movie series "
The Company" which is based on the operations of the CIA and the KGB during the Cold War year, CIA agent Jack McAuliffe eludes two KGB officers in Berlin by entering a circus where there is a
house-of-mirrors which Jack uses to confuse his tails in order to keep his appointment with a young ballerina planning to defect. (If you've not watched it, find it immediately. Every 266 minutes is a lesson in the cold war through KGB and CIA eyes.)
More and more I've come to realize that much of the MOB scene is in some respects a small but powerful onion that when peeled, reveals layer after layer of illusion. We have our own circus house of mirrors.
On one hand some are told that large age gaps are normal, the women are 1950s stay-at-home barefoot and pregnant family oriented in the kitchen types who just happen to wear 4 inch spiked heels and tight miniskirts as they mop the floors. To others, the entire region, from every small village to each large city, is part of a great conspiracy to defraud visitors with overpriced translators, expensive meals, shopping trips, etc, and everyone from the restaurant owner, apartment landlord owner and the cab driver is in on the secret scam.
Hang around a MOB forum and it doesn't take long to hear stories of drunk husbands, unfaithful spouses, and men who don't like to work. Advice offered to those seeking assistance might include paying the natural father a few hundreds bucks to sign away his parental rights for eternity or bribing the ZAGS/RAGS administrator to waive a residency rule.
Here is what we miss because all these things can be true in the micro sense but often they are not the norm in the macro view. When meeting someone who has visited Russia or Ukraine for a few weeks I often ask "
what do you think so far"? Almost without fail I get a response that while at times can be enlightening, 99% of the time is not the answer I'd receive from a native.
There are several possible reasons for this. First, we tend to think in our native culture and translate what we see, feel and experience back into our native cultural framework. Example: Maybe a host family fixes bacon and eggs for their guest every morning for 10 days straight. The guest returns home and reports that all Russians eat bacon and eggs every day for breakfast. In reality they may indeed eat bacon and eggs, but for all we know they might normally eat kashka and blini but decided to make their guest feel at home with bacon and eggs during his/her stay.
It works in reverse too. Russians make assumptions, often wrong, about how we think. Not every Westerner is wealthy. Not every Westerner wants to argue about politics and not all Westerners look down on Russia and/or Ukraine.
If the truth is that only a small number of men really travel, and I believe that to be the case; and if the truth is that very few marriages really take place and again I'd agree with that assumption, then really the MOB scene is not the norm in the FSU, but a tiny minority. International marriages are the micro.
I've long maintained that only certain types of ladies and men put their profiles on international dating sites. For most of the population on either side of the ocean, marrying someone from another country and language is akin to moving to live on the moon. Only those most adventurous and daring, only those willing to take a chance on the future will leave everything behind or those who would bring someone new into their country are of such a spirit. Don't get me wrong because I like and admire the world's movers and shakers and most of you here are, but this is a small percentage of any population and not representative of the whole.
The American pioneers were just that,
pioneers, because the vast majority stayed home in the safety of Richmond, New Amsterdam and Boston. Every marriage represented on a forum like this is because two individuals took a risk that most in either country would never accept.
Lets look at this couple for example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=kHxhOzGRyawThese two make a lovely couple and heck, she is not a bad singer. The families and friends have gathered to celebrate the new life together. If ever there was an occasion for the groom to take advance of hitting the bottle, this is it. Check out all those gals in short skirts, too.
At the 2:00 minute mark take a close look at Dad and Mom. He looks like he's about to fall over drunk, right? He also looks the part of the Russian Dad who abandoned his family, or maybe not so much. Even more amazing is that he has reached middle age and still looks healthy and alive. Who'd a though?!
There are a thousands just like this normal family so I didn't need to hunt long for a representative video.
So, what are those illusions I spoke of earlier?
Illusion number one: All Russian men are drunkards. No, they're not. Of course many are but frankly if you want to see a wino today just take a break from work and drive over to 7-Eleven or Circle K. The chances of you seeing one at your nearby park is just as good as finding one in the park in Kerch.
Illusion number two: All Russian women are slim and curvy and dress each day in those 4 inch spiked heels and tight miniskirts I mentioned earlier.
Illusion number three: American men are the greatest lovers of family and children, even greater apparently than the Brits and Italians who have better shoes but because of poor dentistry are apparently lacking in diaper changing and child rearing skills.
Illusion number four: Russian and Ukrainian women possess the greatest character traits in all the world. They are more transparent than the Obama administration, love the institution of family and hate divorce, and like Jim Carrey they simply can never lie.
Illusion number five: Russian men never spent time with family and children. Disregard the millions of Ukrainian and Russian Dads who were out with their families this weekend while playing with the kids and making shashlik. That was an anomaly. It only happens every weekend.
Illusion number six: Western men are all wealthy. There are many in the FSU who believe this. We go in with our photo albums and on-line photo galleries and perpetuate the myth.
I'm sure that you can add to the illusion list, but will tell you than the most vocal arguments against my illusion list will come in regards to Illusions number one and five, thereby confirming my point. Some of those who protest will have a vested interest in keeping the storyline active just as others have an interest in keeping Illusions two and three in play.
What is the divorce rate compared to the West and the FSU? For every RW who complains about Russian men and the reasons for her divorce in Russia, there is your ex wife back home. I know, I have one.
It seems to me that in general the MOB can be a house of mirrors. As a female friend of ours said recently,
Большинство мужчин требует от женщин тех достоинств, которыми сами не обладают. Yeah, she is going through a divorce and in the bitter stage of life at the moment. However a lot of ladies will agree with her sentiments, on both sides of the pond.
We in the West risk projecting pompous attitudes about scammers and the intentions of everyone in the FSU, never realizing that to those we meet it comes off as if we're superior and more pure while they are just the same old bad guys. Newsflash: there are plenty of scams in your hometown whether the guy who approaches you in the mall parking lot with a story of hungry kids and no gas to make it home, or the IRS planning a $4 million party while teachers and firemen are being laid off.
Any illusions you'd like to add?
Solutions: you are already a pioneer so please don't stop. That is what makes you one of the 20% of your society, and innovation and adventure is important. Plus, I love my Russian wife and guess that you love yours too. Just don't tolerate those who try to make this about smoke and mirrors and scams and intrigue. Understand that often we, not just the Russian/Ukrainian locals, are part of the problem too.
