Married 59 days and not sure we will make it to 60

[damienofgriffin]

I am serious...

We met and married within a year, but most of that time we were living together. I knew she was a bit jealous and a bit on the lower end of the self esteem spectrum, but in the 59 days since we got married it has grown to levels I never imagined. I have left and stayed with family twice. She freaks out of the most minor insignificant issues:

1) She saw an item (an old gift from three years ago) at my Mom's house that was associated with an ex gf...totally freaked out
2) She got upset because I was at a public place and a friend of mine's gf tagged me (and others) on Facebook
3) She constantly accuses me of having more allegiance to an old friend of mine (whos past she thinks is immoral) even though I have not seen this person in two months or ever even talked to them, much less talk about them in front of my wife.

These arguments start...I try to get them to stop and when they dont I get really pissed off. We have both gone to therapists and psychiatric help and all to no avail. I am pretty sure our Psychiatrist was smitten by my wife and didn't prescribe her anything even though she needs it.

I am about to file for divorce....as we speak her bags are packed. We both love each other but just cannot seem to get along....

Any help would be appreciated.

[Turboguy]

It might be for the best.  I spent 3 1/2 years with someone who was insanely jealous and it is not a life I would wish on anyone.  I do agree that low self esteem is often at the root of jealousy but that kind of thing can't be cured and only gets worse with time.  I am sorry to hear that and do wish you the best.  Please keep us posted.

[Faux Pas]

Who packed her bags, you or her?

I am afraid there isn't going to be much help offered from here in this situation damien. You don't know her, she doesn't know you. Met and married within the year. Neither one of you were prepared for the other. That is a familiar story heard a lot on these boards.

My advice is to let her go. If you are in love with each other and can still work through it, start again, take it slower and learn about each other. It would appear that right now you are complete strangers and fast forwarded past some pretty vital processes

[Wayne]

Are you an American man married to a Russian or Ukrainian woman?

In what country did you marry?

How much face to face time did you have before getting married?

How good is your wife's English?

Were either of you married before?  If so, what happened?

[fathertime]

it would be interesting to here more information on the story...but if you are truly being reasonable and she is that psychotic then yeah you gotta consider just letting her get the hell out of your life...of course you can start living by her weird rules, but I sure as hell wouldn't be doing that...I realize that we are only getting one side of the story...some people are really not cut out for marriage.


Fathertime! 

[ML]

We met and married within a year, but most of that time we were living together. I knew she was a bit jealous and a bit on the lower end of the self esteem spectrum, but in the 59 days since we got married it has grown to levels I never imagined.

I don't understand how you two could have lived with each other most of the past year; and then have the problem suddenly escalate in the last 60 days after a marriage.

Anyway, whatever the reason; yes, let her leave, even force her to leave.  It is not worth even a million bucks to be with a person who is like you have described.  I have only been with such women for very short times (like a day or two) before I cut the cord.  A living hell; even as the sex was wild and great.

[PaulK]

What are your ages?

[GQBlues]

...We have both gone to therapists and psychiatric help and all to no avail. I am pretty sure our Psychiatrist was smitten by my wife and didn't prescribe her anything even though she needs it....

Apparently, these things are part of their culture. You need to be a strong man. That's the way to being an Alpha Male. Beat her once or twice to make her *feel at home*.   


Listen. You both saw a professional, and based on the little tidbit I quoted above, it appears as though she isn't rowing an unstable boat towards your lonely island all by her lonesome self.

If you need the internet to solicit advice from people you do not know to make your life determination, you have more problem than your current marital status. The majority of these folks have had multiple divorces. It ain't like they know the path to marital bliss, no?

I am being serious. You want a qualified advice on how to handle immigration/marital related problems, seek counsel.

[ML]

GQ, I see nothing wrong with people posting here asking questions about anything.

What most of us need from time to time is just to hear some different viewpoints.  We can get isolated inside our own heads and see things from a narrow perspective.

Just because someone (including myself) asks a question about a very serious issue; doesn't mean that person is going to make a decision based entirely on what a poster here (or even the majority here) recommends.

I think if we all give honest opinions without malice, then all are well served.

[Misha]

I am pretty sure our Psychiatrist was smitten by my wife and didn't prescribe her anything even though she needs it.

I have to say, that is an odd statement. Why would you think your psychiatrist is smitten by you wife? Also, as far as I know, even though I am neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist, there are no medications for jealousy, so I do not know why you would expect your wife to prescribe you wife some medication.

[Wayne]

Check this out:

Morbid jealousy, also known as Othello syndrome or delusional jealousy, is a psychiatric disorder in which a person holds a strong delusional belief that their spouse or sexual partner is being unfaithful without having any, very little, or insignificant proof to back up their claim.
In morbid jealousy, the overall basis of the psychopathological experience is the preoccupation with a partner’s sexual infidelity. The most common cited forms of psychopathology in morbid jealousy are delusions and obsessions.

[Daveman]

..
I think if we all give honest opinions without malice, then all are well served.

Yep

I am serious...

We met and married within a year, but most of that time we were living together. I knew she was a bit jealous and a bit on the lower end of the self esteem spectrum, but in the 59 days since we got married it has grown to levels I never imagined. I have left and stayed with family twice. She freaks out of the most minor insignificant issues:

1) She saw an item (an old gift from three years ago) at my Mom's house that was associated with an ex gf...totally freaked out
2) She got upset because I was at a public place and a friend of mine's gf tagged me (and others) on Facebook
3) She constantly accuses me of having more allegiance to an old friend of mine (whos past she thinks is immoral) even though I have not seen this person in two months or ever even talked to them, much less talk about them in front of my wife.

These arguments start...I try to get them to stop and when they dont I get really pissed off. We have both gone to therapists and psychiatric help and all to no avail. I am pretty sure our Psychiatrist was smitten by my wife and didn't prescribe her anything even though she needs it.

I am about to file for divorce....as we speak her bags are packed. We both love each other but just cannot seem to get along....

Any help would be appreciated.

Howdy Damien,
 Welcome to the forum.  Self esteem and jealousy do go together. But...


Listen man, you married this woman.  It's not like you're just dating or engaged.  You married *her*.  She probably feels quite isolated and alone.  She probably doesn't have a network of her own friends to vent with.  You are probably her *everything* at this time, yes?  Until such time when she gets settled, makes her own friends, etc, you are stuck in that *everything* role.  It's not a great place to be for either of you but it is what it is right now.


Also, look at what you wrote : "I am pretty sure our Psychiatrist was smitten by my wife and didn't prescribe her anything even though she needs it."

So, since the psychiatrist didn't drug her he must be smitten with her?  Are there other possible reasons as to why he opted not to prescribe drugs?

The only thing you can control is how you relate to her.  Do you give her reasons to feel safe? That she can depend on you no matter what?

You cannot be *responsible* for her behavior.  You can only be responsible for your own behavior and the environment you create for your relationship.  That's the operative word - "relationship".  You're (the two of you) obviously not relating *together*.  Find a way.  You're the man. Whether you want it or not, you are the leader in this relationship.   So lead.  Getting pissed off and escalating the argument isn't leading..  Try just *listening* with an open mind.  Let her vent without taking anything personally.  It's not that difficult really.  Her behavior may have less to do with jealousy and more to do with her feeling isolated, helpless, being unable to express herself well in your language, etc..   


There are three basic ingredients you need at this moment with your new marriage - patience... patience... and patience.   It's far too early to throw in the towel, but it is time for you to lead this relationship to success.. or not..

I'm not suggesting that you roll over and be an emotional punching bag, but obviously you need to set upon a new course and be the rock upon which your new wife can stand and feel safe.  Lead your relationship - stop following her emotions into arguments.

Divorce shouldn't even be on the table right now.. or threatened in any way, i.e. "Change your behavior or we divorce" -- so in other words.. If you love your wife, then get even the remote possibility of the HINT of divorce OFF the argument/discussion table... That never works and has the net effect of causing her to feel MORE isolated, MORE insecure.. etc..  anyway.

Patience.. lead.. patience.. relax.. patience...

[Muzh]

I have to say, that is an odd statement. Why would you think your psychiatrist is smitten by you wife?

I got a chuckle out of this too.

Many years ago when my ex and I were heading to the break up, we attended this counselor that was a 'participating provider' recommended by the HMO.

After a few sessions I felt exactly the same way, the counselor was smitten by my ex. Now, keep in mind, my ex used her sexuality to get whatever she wanted. Trust me, that explains her $475K house on a $60K salary.

Anyway, I mentioned this to some friends and, of course, they even told me I felt that way because I was bitter. Heh.

Fast forward 5 years and the same counselor was indicted on inappropriate sexual behavior with his patients. Lost his psychology certification but no jail time. Heh, heh.

[vwrw]

2) She got upset because I was at a public place and a friend of mine's gf tagged me (and others) on Facebook

So do you have a wife and gf?

I am pretty sure our Psychiatrist was smitten by my wife and didn't prescribe her anything even though she needs it.

Unless the psychiatrist confessed his feeling to her or you, your assumption seems absurd. And why would he not want to help a woman who made him smitten? Imagine you are a doctor examining a beautiful woman with a broken leg...wouldn't you give her a pain killer because you are smitten by her? You would. The same applies to the psychiatrist...if there were need for medication, he would prescribe it. The doctor probably come to the conclusion that her feelings are reasonable. 

I am about to file for divorce....as we speak her bags are packed. We both love each other but just cannot seem to get along....

I would advise her to dump you. Men who make women feel as if the women need psychiatric help should be dumped as quickly as possible.

[GQBlues]

GQ, I see nothing wrong with people posting here asking questions about anything.

What most of us need from time to time is just to hear some different viewpoints.  We can get isolated inside our own heads and see things from a narrow perspective.

Just because someone (including myself) asks a question about a very serious issue; doesn't mean that person is going to make a decision based entirely on what a poster here (or even the majority here) recommends.

I think if we all give honest opinions without malice, then all are well served.

ML-

If and when our home plumbing runs amok, methinks I'll be one of the few who'll feign for an honest opinion from an unqualified carpenter after all.

Credentials are key in most every instances when folks are searching for *qualified and valid* advice or opinions whether they be of personal matters or otherwise. IMHO, it matters little if they are to be read as *optional suggestions*. There has to have a semblance of validity, otherwise they'll be much better served seeking 'professional opinion/counsel'.

The key for these fora is *shared experiences* - both in success and more importantly, FAILURES. In the absence of either one, more notoriously and specially the latter...how does one derive to the definition of *honesty* to better serve the unknowing souls if their experience in the matter is being witheld? To clarify, all of us function differently under duress, or under dire circumstances, if you have no idea how a certain person react under these circumstances, how can one know it's a viable option, applicable, or even well intended?

If folks have failed, *and repeatedly*, dealing with these types of situation themselves, what exactly do you suppose they can offer anyone do under the same circumstances?

Lastly, this will be assessed from a one-sided angle anyway, thus the chorus line of experts will likely just like tap this as 'cultural differences'. Otherwise, you don't swim with the chorus line, you're pegged as a 'skeptic', no?

[Faux Pas]

Let's face it, 59 days isn't a hellava lot of time. At most, if they are in the US she has only been in country for 5 months. Daveman's post might be the meat of the matter. Our hero and OP may not be providing her (knowingly or not)the support and security the gal needs for the situation she's in. There are two sides to every story

[JohnDearGreen]

Dam:

First, every message like yours posted here will get immediate "dump her" responses.
In an attempt to look on the bright side:
a) Apparently her temper did not flare up during the year of dating.  That shows she can
control her emotions if she wants to.
b) I am surprised you were able to get her to the psycho multiple times.  Was she really
interested in trying to fix things up?

>>These arguments start...I try to get them to stop and when they dont I get really...
No use even arguing during those times.  State your case once and go away.  Then try to talk
to her about it later when she may be cooler.

>>She freaks out of the most minor insignificant issues...
Could there be other issues at the root of the problem?  Were the better times really good?
She can be on her best behaviour while dating before marriage, and so can the man.
If these are really just minor insignificant issues, then you might be able to work around it.
But the honeymoon is over.  Bottom line, is she is as satified with you as you think she is?

[TS]

I have to take the girls side here.  You brought her to a foreign country and she is going through culture shock and your mother likes your ex still.
 
Why would you keep ex GF presents in mom's house - if you do say you got it from your brother.  Or did your mother intential start something with your wife.  Need to keep your mom in check. 
 
Close facebook account next 2 years - nothing good ever happens with foreign marriage and facebook.
Your a married man now you don't need to have face book distractions. 
 

[southernX]

second to davemans comments ,

you need to take along hard look at what you are doing in the relationship

if you dont stay calm steady and patient , it will only escalate matters and cloud your judgement of what is the best way forward and how to handle her emotions ,
remember she is probably going through all sorts of emotional upheavals internally , and needs your support and understanding

dont join in on her disagreement , stay calm , let her vent her frustration , let it cool down then talk it  through , as if you open your mind and ears , close your mouth  ,let her talk while you listen , you might find it will change things slowly for the better

i also would second the NO DIVORCE talk or threats etc
this only leads to more insecurity on her part &yours  and starts both of you resenting the other , it is evidence  of a lack of trust between you that in tough times will rise to the top very quickly

work on yourself , getting you back to level thinking & steady the ship is vital if you want to stop this fast
if not , imho your doomed

sx

[ML]

Just to refresh some; he did say in first post:

"We met and married within a year, but most of that time we were living together."

So seems they have been together a bit longer than some have stated in their posts.

[BillyB]

We met and married within a year, but most of that time we were living together. I knew she was a bit jealous and a bit on the lower end of the self esteem spectrum, but in the 59 days since we got married it has grown to levels I never imagined.

What happened to "for better or worse?" You did state those words when you got married, didn't you? You got a wife, not a gf. Try a little harder to fix the marriage.


It's apparent from your words you knew she had a little jealous streak in her before marriage. Maybe it was cute at one time she was so protective but you knew what you were getting into. Now sit down with her and tell her, her jealousy is going to push you away further and destroy the marriage. Give it more time instead of throwing away a marriage so quickly. She's been like this all her life. You can't expect her to change on a moments notice.

[flitabout62]

I am serious...

We met and married within a year, but most of that time we were living together. I knew she was a bit jealous and a bit on the lower end of the self esteem spectrum, but in the 59 days since we got married it has grown to levels I never imagined.

Too little information to give any useful advice, but here's my two cents...
I've know couples who've lived together for years only to breakup soon after making it legal with marriage.  The idea seemed to be that behaviors or attitudes changed once things were legal.  If communication... and I mean real, speak from your gut, discussions do not exist, there will be expectations about how to behave as married folk, that will not be met.  This could explain why things went down hill after marriage?  For instance, you visit your friends and she sees a picture then explodes.  Did she also attend this gathering? 
Granted, there's too little information, but given that she appeared to be okay before marriage, I'd have to say you need to make more effort to get along with her and try to discuss/develop a mutual understanding on how to live together as a happily married couple.   Of course, it may be too late if her bags are already packed. 

[BobFeltham]

Hey mate! I think I know what you're going through. I had a gf like this once. And she was from Russia. Just came over to my place (I was living in St Petersburg at the time) and she totally freaked out when she saw an old girlfriend's mug. She threw it away! And then said she felt better. I don't know why that was so important. I mean it was just a mug you drink coffee out of. But for her it was like something that really contained poison!!

[Wayne]

So what happened to the OP?

[Ade]

So what happened to the OP?

Perhaps the same as what happened to you, your wife and that "plane crash".