Finding a wife from Russia - challenges on your way

[alexiss]

Hey guys,

Looking for a Russian/Ukranian wife or girlfriend, what were or still are your main challenges? I would appreciate your specific examples. I see that this could be a language barrier or cross-cultural differences. But what specifically is the most challenging thing except for the distance, of course.

Thanks!

[Daveman]

The cultural differences are actually minor and generally lead to minor misunderstandings.  There is a mentality difference that can be difficult to describe but is ever present and can lead to mortal combat.  Kidding... mostly...    THAT is the main challenge, IMO.  It can go beyond misunderstanding into kindling another Domestic Cold War, irony notwithstanding.  The good news is that does become a little more relaxed with time.  Patience, deliberate communication and REcommunication as necessary goes quite a ways to mitigate that weirdness.. yes.. weirdness.. there's really not another word to describe it.. weirdness.


Certainly language is a factor even with a couple who share a common language, and exponentially more so for a couple winging it with translators, etc. 


Fantasy expectations are another goody -- from both sides. Those pretty much need to be taken as they arise and are recognized. 


Anyway, there's a start...


 

[missAmeno]

Looking for a Russian/Ukranian wife or girlfriend, what were or still are your main challenges?

From observations around seems to be keeping with reality and not falling into fantasy world. 

[southernX]

agree with dave & miss A

my thoughts on challenges below in no particular order

1 keep your expectations normal  with reality

2  be honest in all that you say &do , this builds trust [vital in the long term  ]

3 be true to yourself , & how you present yourself

4 be patient , seriously develop this skill !!
 
5 be understanding , as above ,[as a mindset  put yourself in your partners shoes often it helps see things differently ]

6 read, research as much as you can about the FSU , it helps you to understand why some things are as they are there , travel there and stay for up to a month or more ,it will help you soak up the mentality differences as dave pointed out

7 commitment ----understand if you are to be successful in the long term , that it is a long term commitment , with lots of hard work daily along the way , dont give in to frustrations easily ,

8 communication , always keep the talk open , be prepared to listen and take onboard your partners views and beliefs , no matter how different you think they are ,

if your the man , you  will be responsible for all manner of things in how your new wife & possibly child settles into their new life in a new country , it takes time and will put you under extra  stresses usually , understand it & prepare for it , accept it ,

if your lucky it will be smooth , however ime , expect some bumps along the way ,

SX
 

[Vaughn]

Looking for a Russian/Ukranian wife or girlfriend, what were or still are your main challenges?

I've noted how often Western men treat this endeavor differently than would dating local women at home. Granted, it IS different; however - I see the "return on investment" factor sway judgment, give rise to compromises a man would not otherwise make, cause men to deem a trip "a failure" should it not yield fruit.
 
If one were to spend a romantic weekend at a mountain cabin with the cute woman who works around the corner - would one consider that a "failure" should it not produce an engagement ?
 
The challenge: to remain and operate within oneself - not sacrificing your personal ideals in the face of hundred fold expenses. There are many dozens of failed East-West marriages around here of which I am aware. More than half of my wife's newly-found K-1 Russian/Ukrainian female friends here are either single by divorce from their sponsor or have remarried with men who've never made the journey across the pond.

[ML]

More than half of my wife's newly-found K-1 Russian/Ukrainian female friends here are either single by divorce from their sponsor or have remarried with men who've never made the journey across the pond.

Now that is just plain wrong!  We should contact our congressmen and get a new law enacted that a man cannot do this (i.e. benefit from another man's efforts).

No pain; no gain.

[JayH]

I had reason in another thread to comment that  most newbies  do not realise or understand the quality and importance of some of the advice and comments in threads.
In this thread-- Dave,MissA   & particularly SthX  words are incredibly important to understand and take notice of. If  a newbie or less experienced  is reading this --there is above an outline above to be asking questions about. It is very easy to gloss over a few words--but in his post above SX leads to so many critical issues  that guys need to be considering.

[Shadow]

What are the main challenges in finding?

1. Keeping your head cool. Before an actual meeting you are just pen pals (or with modern communication cam pals). There is no guarantee that you will actually manage to be compatible in a relationship.

2. Become a psychic, or at least empathic. One of the most common errors is men not understanding the signs women give. FSU women will not tell you outright they do not want to continue. They will become less available, give hints by making everything else more important than you. If you continue to spend time and money on them, it is your own fault.

3. Treating your search as something else. Many men are clueless on how to handle finding a life partner. That is why they come up with strategies like the job interview (every woman has 30 minutes, good candidates get an evening date) or select a puppy (I will be engaged to that woman but if she turns me down I have the number of an agency to call and they will send me another woman to be engaged to). The idea is to find out whatever you can about the person, and see if that is enough ground for arelationship.

Once you have the base of a relationship other things are appearing.

1. Moving too fast. Yes you have a good base, but you still need to know the person. After finding someone who may become your life partner, there should be more and closer contact to be sure you are on the same page. Plans for the future, children, travel. All are a major part of what you need to know.

2. Moving too slow and/or not taking charge. You are the man and women expect you to take charge in to moving towards a life together. If your plans are visiting every three months and waiting for the woman to start doing anything, expect her to lose interest and find someone who is serious. Make a time path and try to stick to it. Inform her on what to do and follow up, be there as much as you can to help her and spend time together.

3. Making her a comfort zone. Moving to another country is a big step. If you are in love enough to become a money supply, she might find that she is much better off living on your allowance in her own environment, and the hesitation to move abroad will become bigger. Combine this with step 2, and you are sure to be heading for disaster.

And some other things to avoid:

1. Listening to advice. Reading around and getting answers to questions can make you paranoid. This has more than once made a man lose a woman that could have been interested.

2. Not listening to advice. It also happens often that a questions is asked but answers that are not cheering on are brushed aside with anger. If you do not want to hear what others have to say, do not ask their opinion.

In general, choose your own path but keep in mind what other have warned you for, without depending on their opinion over yours.

[Rusenigma]

  Cultural misunderstandings happen in a multi-cultural relationship, as a large percentage of learning is about first making the mistakes. Most of the time these will be minor, such as saying the wrong phrase in English or in Russian or getting simple greetings wrong, and they can be overlooked, but some misunderstandings can be much greater, and can even risk the ruin of the relationship.There are also cultured misunderstanding that can spell difficult times in a multicultural Russian marriage. Russian women may treat of their foreign husband in a way that they believe is going to be taken as a care, but can be taken as an excessive pressure or control in Western culture.  Alexiss asked for an example, so I do. Once, an Englishmen and his Russian girlfriend were going to go out. It was a winter in Russia and it was very cold outside. The Russian woman recommended to her boyfriend to put on a scarf,  but  he declined. But the Russian woman started to insist saying that she didn’t go anywhere if he wouldn’t put on the scarf. So the Englishman became very angry, because in his eyes she wanted to much to pressure and control him. The woman was shocked and couldn’t understand the reason what made him being so angry, because by Russian culture she took care of him, she simply didn’t want him to catch cold and got sick in the cold weather.. In such situation a Russian man would be certainly happy to have such care of his woman.
So, to avoid potentially damaging situations, it is very important to learn the traditions of your foreign partner and be able to accept them with understanding and patience.
 

[Shadow]

So, to avoid potentially damaging situations, it is very important to learn the traditions of your foreign partner and be able to accept them with understanding and patience.
 

I remember visiting Moscow in Janury, and my parents-in-law stood ready at the airport with some bags. My shoes passed inspection but my parka was deemed unfit and had to be replaced with a Russian coat. A hat and scarf completed the dress code.
For MrsShadow a fur coat was produced that was heavy enough to count as body armour. While I had dressed in my opinion for the expected low temperatures, I decided to follow their wishes. Added advantage was that nobody mistook me for a foreigner.

[Rusenigma]

 Yes, when sometimes Russian people   are too intense to make you to do something either to put on smth  or to share meals with them, they take this as a care not  restraint or force, they do this with the good motives..

[vwrw]

I agree with Rusenigma that Russian women tend to impose their will on people they care about. For example, my husband consumes too much salt. Each time I see him adding salt, it drives me nuts and I start lecturing him about the detrimental effects of salt. Once I calm down, I question myself why do I  impose my will on him. He knows how bad salt is for him and if he opts to harm himself nevertheless, I must respect his choice and let him do it. Yet, next time I see him using salt, I start lecturing him again. Fortunately, this does not annoy my husband because he knows that is how I manifest my care about his well being.


On other hand, I am not as patient as my husband, and when I go to visit my mom in Russia and she starts to behave this way as if she knows better what I should or shouldn't do/eat/wear, it drives me crazy. I prefer my significant people to show me their love and care through giving me their hugs, attention and time. I can imagine how Russian way of showing their care can become a big challenge for a western man.     

[southernX]

I agree with Rusenigma that Russian women tend to impose their will on people they care about. For example, my husband consumes too much salt. Each time I see him adding salt, it drives me nuts and I start lecturing him about the detrimental effects of salt. Once I calm down, I question myself why do I  impose my will on him. He knows how bad salt is for him and if he opts to harm himself nevertheless, I must respect his choice and let him do it. Yet, next time I see him using salt, I start lecturing him again. Fortunately, this does not annoy my husband because he knows that is how I manifest my care about his well being.


On other hand, I am not as patient as my husband, and when I go to visit my mom in Russia and she starts to behave this way as if she knows better what I should or shouldn't do/eat/wear, it drives me crazy. I prefer my significant people to show me their love and care through giving me their hugs, attention and time. I can imagine how Russian way of showing their care can become a big challenge for a western man.     

yes i think most of us married guys have experienced this sort of care from our wives

i find my wife does it exactly as you describe , she will say to me that she must ''CONTROL '' me , lol if not i dont look after myself well enough
on the other hand , i have learned she is not as patient as me , and so i choose when &if i attempt to do the same with her

it is ok for example to advise her on a cold day to get comfy in a cosy chair & relax , with a book , make her a coffee etc , she likes such attention to be cared for 

however i would never suggest/advise her to not buy a new pair of shoes she likes , as they are not suited for a lot of walking ,imo  & will probably give her blisters,
as it could at times  be viewed negatively or cheap & controlling by her , better to let her buy them and learn from the choice herself ,

she will only do it once this way ,

SX

[BillyB]

  Cultural misunderstandings happen in a multi-cultural relationship, as a large percentage of learning is about first making the mistakes.

 
If two good people get together, good things happen. Any cultural differences and language barriers will be reduced and overcome.
 
 
One of the challenges for Alexiss in his search is identifying a good woman who's a good match. Some men have been lonely for a very long time even if they've been recently divorced. A guy may take the first woman or any woman that's willing to accept him but that may not be a good thing.