how long did it take you to find someone?

[YoungBuck]

 so after some discussion,  my Russian friend basically told me to avoid Russian women.  he's married to a non Russian so I'm guessing that advice comes weighted.

I was going to delete my carefully crafted profile, when I realized that there are some girls on from 2011!  I'm wondering,  how long does it take,  what timelines are we looking at,  etc?

it's funny,  but at these alumni events,  there are about 1,000 women  my age ,  about 100 which I meet. I haven't gotten much traction yet,  but 25% of my alumni class eventually meets and marries someone through those events. 

 then my guess is that the majority of MOB  just meet someone from home,  and only a few actually marry someone from the websites,  am I correct?  and what about those women who are on for many years,  are they  more of a  cold fish risk?

most people know what type of women they want,  and reading profiles,  etc.  could help,  but if you ask me someone who's been on for years  would indicate a red flag.  what do you think?  What other red flags are there?

[Slumba]

There are plenty of women in the world. 

Don't listen to the morons on this board who tell you that a girl from Manhattan, from a small town in Colombia, and from a Siberian mining town are all the same because "they are all women".

Working your alumni group makes a lot of sense.

[calmissile]

I would not automatically assume that a woman that has been listed on a site for a long time is not desireable or would not make a good wife.  It might be something to consider, but not worthy of jumping to conclusions.   

Prior to getting married I had carried on correspondence and Skype chats with Ukraine women that seemingly would be great partners for the right mate and compatible personalities, goals, etc.  I think one of the problems is that many of us are looking for the 'perfect partner' or will have no partner at all.  With the limited time most men have to travel to FSU, the cultural differences, and language barriers, it makes it difficult to find perfection in a partner that you really don't know well.  As a result, I think a lot of men give up because it is an overwhelming challenge.

One gal that I think would otherwise have made me a great wife, I declined to go that far simply because of her age (too young).  She has been a nurse in Nikolaev for about 12 years, is pretty and very smart.  She also wants to marry someone from Western Europe of North America.  We chatted almost daily for over a year.  She is still on a dating site as far as I know, and I never found any of her qualities lacking.  She also has never had children, and that was a concern of mine.  Even though she indicated it was not necessary for her to have children, she was 32 at the time I was worried that her biological clock might cause her to change her mind later in the marriage.  Like a lot of FSUW, she continues to do her nursing career, socializing with her friends, and seemingly gets along in life without being desperate for a husband.

How long did it take me to find the perfect wife?  Probably 3 years if I remember correctly.  However it took about 6 trips to Ukraine, sometimes for several months, plus one failed engagement when I first went about the journey and did not know much about the culture and the large differences in personalities of FSUW, etc.  There were a lot of lessons learned along the way and I don't think I would have learned them by sitting at home and reading the day to day postings.  The trip reports that had a lot of day to day detail including the relationships were perhaps the most valuable to me.  There used to be some good ones on another forum that were quite enlightening.

IMO , reading and absorbing the (free) 'Men of the West - Women from the East" on this forum is a good beginning  for anyone just starting out.  After that, its go do it or forget it!  For most, it is an expensive and time consuming process.

Lastly, the one thing that I feel strongly about is that for most men, there is great merit to spending as much time in her country as you can afford.  View it as a vacation and enlightenment to the history, culture, and geography of a different land.  Get out of the big city and see the 'real' country.  If you fail to find your loved one, you have at least not wasted your money on a single agenda.

[mendeleyev]

YB, I found her when stepping off a plane; the girl who was holding a placard with my name on it. The name was misspelled. Tired from the trip and apparently very grumpy, I marched up and told her, Yelena, you misspelled my name.

Turns out the girl named Yelena who had been arranged to meet me was sick and so Radio Mayak had sent another girl to pick me up at the airport. She was put off by my attitude and so then proceeded to correct me with her name and curtly added that she didn't like Americans.

We were married a little over a year later.   

[Daveman]

 then my guess is that the majority of MOB  just meet someone from home,  and only a few actually marry someone from the websites,  am I correct?  j

I'd say this is probably true.  Most will either not get lucky on the first attempt, or won't be willing to jump into marriage with someone who is mostly a stranger.  Yeah, some will roll that dice and a few of those will get lucky.  Most won't.  Most will get tired of the hassle and say "to hell with this".


So think about it... How many women do most men normally *date* prior to finding a specially special one and then building that relationship to 'go the distance' ? 


Not much different here just the relationship building has a few extra pitfalls along the way and is a tad more expensive than dinner and a movie.  But, it's still dating.  A "good and sincere" woman meeting and dating a "good and sincere" man isn't usually necessarily enough.  In that case, both of you are back to square one.





I was simply too stupid to fail.  I didn't know when to quit.  It took me about 3.5 years to find the right lady, and just about two years for us to build that relationship to the point marriage, and then about another year to get her here...    If that seems like a long time, there are some others who have taken longer.


The funny thing is, I have nothing at all against American women.  They don't seem to have anything against me either, but of course, I could be delusionally oblivious to reality there..  .  I wanted the adventure more than anything else and had a great time -- and also wound up in a pretty special place with a wonderful, compatible lady.


I'll repeat the rules for success...


1) get lucky...
or
2) don't quit until you [see rule one]

[2tallbill]

I was simply too stupid to fail.  I didn't know when to quit.  It took me about 3.5 years to find the right lady, and just about two years for us to build that relationship to the point marriage, and then about another year to get her here...    If that seems like a long time, there are some others who have taken longer.

The funny thing is, I have nothing at all against American women.  They don't seem to have anything against me either, but of course, I could be delusional oblivious to reality there..  .  I wanted the adventure more than anything else and had a great time -- and also wound up in a pretty special place with a wonderful, compatible lady.


I'll repeat the rules for success...


1) get lucky...
or
2) don't quit until you [see rule one]

Great post!

[Patagonie]

It takes me two years and half before meeting my wife.
I have done something like 10 travels, had several relationships, commited or not commited.
I met probably around 50 ladies.
I spent a huge time with them. That was the best, spend a maximum time with them, doing all.
I am also interested in the culture and in the language.
Finally to built the relationship and bring my wife here took me two additional years.

I think that, for guys who have a normal job, that i was one of the guys who spend a huge time abroad.
IMHO i cannot imagine how i could have done this (two years and half) in a shorter time. Or i would have take a lot of risk and choose the wrong person.

[Welder]

Great post!

Agreed, +1, nice post Daveman.

[Lily]

 
 

 then my guess is that the majority of MOB  just meet someone from home,  and only a few actually marry someone from the websites,  am I correct?  and what about those women who are on for many years,  are they  more of a  cold fish risk?

most people know what type of women they want,  and reading profiles,  etc.  could help,  but if you ask me someone who's been on for years  would indicate a red flag.  what do you think?  What other red flags are there?

Since this thread is in the Ask the women section, and so far only men replied, I think that I contribute something. No, the women who are staying for a long time on the dating sites are not defective or problematic, to say just by this criteria. Do you YoungBuck really believe that women on the sites are just like the real estate who stays on the market waiting for a buyer to come, and if long time on the market, that means that something is wrong with the property?   
 
I am not saying that they all are waiting for their person to show up. Some are indeed bad apples    but some are not. Look, women are busy and also have a life besides searching for a man online which also eats lots of time if they are really determined to find someone. Online search is not a full time job! You can multiply this factor by the fact that many men never visit. Here you go, some women are on the sites for ages.
 
And yes, some may eventually find a man at home, and some may never find any.
 

I'll repeat the rules for success...


1) get lucky...
or
2) don't quit until you [see rule one]

Agree. I moved to Canada, and looking for over 6 years by now. My intention is not to stop until I find one. 

[tfcrew]

 

how long did it take you to find someone?

Many years

[YoungBuck]

 
Since this thread is in the Ask the women section, and so far only men replied, I think that I contribute something. No, the women who are staying for a long time on the dating sites are not defective or problematic, to say just by this criteria. Do you YoungBuck really believe that women on the sites are just like the real estate who stays on the market waiting for a buyer to come, and if long time on the market, that means that something is wrong with the property?   
 
I am not saying that they all are waiting for their person to show up. Some are indeed bad apples    but some are not. Look, women are busy and also have a life besides searching for a man online which also eats lots of time if they are really determined to find someone. Online search is not a full time job! You can multiply this factor by the fact that many men never visit. Here you go, some women are on the sites for ages.
 
And yes, some may eventually find a man at home, and some may never find any.
 
Agree. I moved to Canada, and looking for over 6 years by now. My intention is not to stop until I find one. 

not bad but just have unrealistic expectations. I  never bought into the whole soul mate idea. I believe you can have a great relationship with a few hundred women in this world,  but you always need some amount of work. a  soul mate implies perfect harmony and sync,  and that's completely unrealistic.  how many friendships,  life long friendships,  started out rocky,  with people off different  characters,  etc.
what I do think is that when people  get together,  they should approach it with an open heart.  when together,  they should of themselves 100%  and sharing your body,  mind and soul with someone who does the same would then make you soul mates.
I don't know,  maybe that's why they say, what God joins during marriage ritual... because then you are now officially soul mates.

[Daveman]

not bad but just have unrealistic expectations. I  never bought into the whole soul mate idea. I believe you can have a great relationship with a few hundred women in this world,  but you always need some amount of work. a  soul mate implies perfect harmony and sync,  and that's completely unrealistic.  how many friendships,  life long friendships,  started out rocky,  with people off different  characters,  etc.
...

I never bought into the soul mate idea either.  I guess mostly because the concept of souls doesn't really jibe with my universal viewpoint.  I agree, there are quite a number of men/women, with varying degrees of compatibility for each other, all over the world.  If you live in city of any size, there are at least hundred if not, depending on the city size, perhaps thousands who are single, available, attractive, etc.  Finding each other becomes the difficulty.


Don't confuse friendship with a "partner".  There are many great friendships which go downhill rapidly by attempting to be roommates.  Living together exposes pretty much everything.  Most all of us are a pain in the ass to live with... compatibility probably just means the level of "mutual adaptivity" to each other's pain in the assness.  There are certain personalities that when matched can/will adapt to the living environment much easier than when matched with others. And with many types, all the "work" in the world will not stop the rolling snowball of demise.  Even if she or he is quite "hot", nice, sincere, whatever cool trait you want to list. 


In addition, often the types we want are not the types we need. The key there is to really know yourself so you may understand which types are best for you. Love and attraction and "work" are rarely enough to go the distance if personality types are not well matched.  In fact, the more well matched you are, the less labor intensive the relationship becomes.


A primary problem with actually finding compatible people is projection. Projection is human nature but is actually your enemy in most relationships.  People don't "change" but rather projections are replaced with knowing.


A great read for better understanding this phenomenon is The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other by James Hollis. 


http://www.amazon.com/The-Eden-Project-Psychology-Analysis/dp/0919123805/

[Lily]

I  never bought into the whole soul mate idea. I believe you can have a great relationship with a few hundred women in this world,  but you always need some amount of work. a  soul mate implies perfect harmony and sync,  and that's completely unrealistic.  how many friendships,  life long friendships,  started out rocky,  with people off different  characters,  etc.
what I do think is that when people  get together,  they should approach it with an open heart.  when together,  they should of themselves 100%  and sharing your body,  mind and soul with someone who does the same would then make you soul mates.

Not into the soulmate idea either What I meant is to find a partner who, by the fact of his existence on the side, would affect your life in a somewhat improving, more fulfilling, manner. He or she does not need to be your soulmate. If a prospect does not lead to some improvement of your life, why would you need him as a partner at all?

[CanadaMan]

Don't confuse friendship with a "partner".  There are many great friendships which go downhill rapidly by attempting to be roommates.  Living together exposes pretty much everything.  Most all of us are a pain in the ass to live with... compatibility probably just means the level of "mutual adaptivity" to each other's pain in the assness.

So true. Everyone pay heed!

There are certain personalities that when matched can/will adapt to the living environment much easier than when matched with others. And with many types, all the "work" in the world will not stop the rolling snowball of demise.  Even if she or he is quite "hot", nice, sincere, whatever cool trait you want to list. 

+100

[Patagonie]

I never bought into the soul mate idea either.  I guess mostly because the concept of souls doesn't really jibe with my universal viewpoint.  I agree, there are quite a number of men/women, with varying degrees of compatibility for each other, all over the world.  If you live in city of any size, there are at least hundred if not, depending on the city size, perhaps thousands who are single, available, attractive, etc.  Finding each other becomes the difficulty.


Don't confuse friendship with a "partner".  There are many great friendships which go downhill rapidly by attempting to be roommates.  Living together exposes pretty much everything.  Most all of us are a pain in the ass to live with... compatibility probably just means the level of "mutual adaptivity" to each other's pain in the assness.  There are certain personalities that when matched can/will adapt to the living environment much easier than when matched with others. And with many types, all the "work" in the world will not stop the rolling snowball of demise.  Even if she or he is quite "hot", nice, sincere, whatever cool trait you want to list. 


In addition, often the types we want are not the types we need. The key there is to really know yourself so you may understand which types are best for you. Love and attraction and "work" are rarely enough to go the distance if personality types are not well matched.  In fact, the more well matched you are, the less labor intensive the relationship becomes.


A primary problem with actually finding compatible people is projection. Projection is human nature but is actually your enemy in most relationships.  People don't "change" but rather projections are replaced with knowing.


A great read for better understanding this phenomenon is The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other by James Hollis. 


http://www.amazon.com/The-Eden-Project-Psychology-Analysis/dp/0919123805/

Nice post Dave.

"In addition, often the types we want are not the types we need. The key there is to really know yourself so you may understand which types are best for you."

"A primary problem with actually finding compatible people is projection. Projection is human nature but is actually your enemy in most relationships.  People don't "change" but rather projections are replaced with knowing."

It would be too long to develop but the family past in some case also needs to be cleaned, to make short, you would be a person who is only the projection of your relatives, or an society's ideal, but not you, not what you really want.
Many people fulfill some achivements which are belonging to other people.

I had chased a lot a women i wanted but they were not the type i needed. I have corrected this last years. The game helped me also considerably, it helped me to be a little more analytic, my head leads, not my dick, my head leads but i also let a large part to my intuition and my emotions. The most difficult had been to fing the right balance. Something difficult when you love life, and women are the source of the life.

[GQBlues]

For many of the women, it takes them a while to have to choose between thousands of lesser evils. For the men, less than a week is more than plenty, of course.


So knowing your ways around women, best you stick with the MOB. Not necessarily because of the women featured in these sites today, but rather the AM competition you're up against.

 

[Gator]

Youngbuck,
 
Count me among those not believing in a soul mate.  I can not imagine living with someone who could complete my sentences.   
 
What Daveman and others have advised is golden.   
 
My advise is to not concern yourself with a schedule and target date for finding the "one."  Instead meet many women, relax, go out with them even if they seem far from perfect, and enjoy your time.  Do not push towards a relationship, and instead go slow about commitment and promises and expectations.  See what develops.   Meanwhile life is good.
 
I would agree with your belief  "...you can have a great relationship with a few hundred women in this world..."   if you said thousands of women, probably more. 

[Anotherkiwi]

I can not imagine living with someone who could complete my sentences.

I can - she's called "Mother!" 

[Ooooops]

  I can not imagine living with someone who could complete my sentences.   

Why not?   All it takes is long time living together and really knowing each other. 

[Gator]

Why not?   All it takes is long time living together and really knowing each other. 

Diversity in opinion can be very beneficial ("two heads are smarter than one") and exhilirating.  Please note that I consider the generally accepted concept of heaven to be so tedious that it could not be my heaven for long much less everlasting.

[Ooooops]

Diversity in opinion can be very beneficial ("two heads are smarter than one") and exhilirating.

Oh, that's not what I had in mind about "finishing each other sentences", sorry.   I meant more in line of knowing what your partner thinks about the subject which is pretty much unavoidable after being very close for number of years. 

[lonedrake]

Diversity in opinion can be very beneficial ("two heads are smarter than one") and exhilirating.

The key words to this is "can be".

[Aloe]

You have to understand what kind of audience these websites attract. I'd say i only liked 1 in 100 profiles. I had looked through dozens of pages to find 10 men profiles i liked on EM.  Out of those 10, zero were interested in me. Besides, i only got like 1 message or wink per week on EM. Somehow i just didn't feel like marrying a hugely overweight or  a 30 yrs older man, and those are the ones who mostly wrote

When i registered on a local belgian website this year, i got 2000 winks+messages in 2 months time. On EM it was 1 a week. So with such low interest from all the wrong candidates, it's no wonder my profile was online for years on EM. Somebody worded it very well: all the guys on EM are busy writing to the same 5 women, so all the other women get zero promising contacts. So i think there are very many good women on such sites who have had profiles for years. If anything, it speaks of their determination to find a good match, and not just grab the first thing that comes their way.

So if you are a nice catch and you don't write women 30 yrs younger, you will stand out by head and shoulders on a website like EM, if you don't occupy yourself writing to the same 5 women as everyone else does

[GQBlues]

You have to understand what kind of audience these websites attract. I'd say i only liked 1 in 100 profiles. I had looked through dozens of pages to find 10 men profiles i liked on EM.  Out of those 10, zero were interested in me. Besides, i only got like 1 message or wink per week on EM. Somehow i just didn't feel like marrying a hugely overweight or  a 30 yrs older man, and those are the ones who mostly wrote  ...

  So there, YoungBuck. You got a great perspective from a woman who was in EM and the international dating gambit before.

So let me repeat what I said before which is pretty much what Aloe said....

For many of the women, it takes them a while to have to choose between thousands of lesser evils. For the men, less than a week is more than plenty, of course.


So knowing your ways around women, best you stick with the MOB. Not necessarily because of the women featured in these sites today, but rather the AM competition you're up against.

This also explains my apprehension of NOT readily recommending EM to anyone (or the MOB as a whole - especially these days when these women already ARE in your neighborhoods). I've seen two of the women's pic featured in these EM ads you see here that I went to meet back in early '04. As beautiful as those women were/are, they can't possibly be still on EM 'looking'. OTOH, like Aloe's experience suggested, it must really be insanely slim-pickings for these women, LOL.

As ugly as I am, those two had more than high hopes when they were with me in '04 hoping I'd pick 'em. So the guys that came after must just be downright disgusting.

Anyway, the only problem I have with that is, if they are in fact still there and is still looking - at least update the pics. Otherwise their pictures are at least 9-10 years old and they can't possibly still be as delicious and fresh today like they did 10 years before, no?

But, that's the MOB. I know I'm breaking my own creed by telling you stick with the MOB. But I'm making an exception with you solely based on your posts and the way you relate to women. You are adamant about believing your life's experiences dealing with women are borne by faults that reside with the women and not with you. So I know with that type of attitude, you fit perfectly well with the rest of the MOBers. But since these interactions begin in the internet, I am hopeful that you can at least rise above many of the men in appearance.

The *age* factor is not necessarily working for you either because your age range will be women who are 'prime' choice both by the 'younger' studs. Both local and international who understand women a helluva better than you. And yes, even old farts loose with money who'd rather have a nubile on high heels than a Hoverround.

But as bad as this may seem, the MOB is still your best bet. It may seem like an oxymoron but most thing in the MOB are an oxymoron.

[YoungBuck]

You have to understand what kind of audience these websites attract. I'd say i only liked 1 in 100 profiles. I had looked through dozens of pages to find 10 men profiles i liked on EM.  Out of those 10, zero were interested in me. Besides, i only got like 1 message or wink per week on EM. Somehow i just didn't feel like marrying a hugely overweight or  a 30 yrs older man, and those are the ones who mostly wrote

When i registered on a local belgian website this year, i got 2000 winks+messages in 2 months time. On EM it was 1 a week. So with such low interest from all the wrong candidates, it's no wonder my profile was online for years on EM. Somebody worded it very well: all the guys on EM are busy writing to the same 5 women, so all the other women get zero promising contacts. So i think there are very many good women on such sites who have had profiles for years. If anything, it speaks of their determination to find a good match, and not just grab the first thing that comes their way.

So if you are a nice catch and you don't write women 30 yrs younger, you will stand out by head and shoulders on a website like EM, if you don't occupy yourself writing to the same 5 women as everyone else does

I didn't know it was that bad.  at least from my perspective, I  read the women's  profiles and then write based on common interests and education.
Now men were raised believing that a good job,  nice personality and clean look will get you the girl.  most,  including myself,  don't really understand what makes a woman attracted to a certain man, so  they ignore the rest  and just play on provision as attraction. also the typical mober  is divorced  or approaching the wall, and is desperate.

 writing to the same five women is bound to happen because men are visual creatures.  the problem with online dating is the human interaction is missing.  I've met many people who most would consider ugly,  but their personalities and kindness just melts the ugly away. the opposite is true too.

now,could you give me your opinion on my post concerning ice cold reception?