Wrong thing to say to a FSUW?

[sleepycat]

Okay...this is in following up regarding my trip last month to Kharkov. During the latter part of that trip I had three dinner dates with a lady who has a 3 y.o. child. Prior to leaving we decided to keep in contact and I told her I plan to come back to visit her in May 2014.

Today the terp emailed me to inform me that the lady had decide not to continue with me. The reason given was during the last meeting, I told the lady that I don't consider it absolutely essential to have a baby together if we are to get marry.

So it appears that this 'baby-not-essential' idea is a deal breaker and is not compatible with FSUW mentality. I didn't realise it was such a big deal since she already has her own child. In Australia there are plenty of long term couples who are childless by their own choosing. There are even couples that prefer having pets rather than children.

BTW I am 37 y.o. and no previous children, the lady is 28 y.o.
I have never told the lady I am against children or anything like that.

So the question is...
Is it a fatal mistake to tell a FSUW of child bearing age that I don't consider it absolutely essential to have a baby together after marriage?

[The Natural]

As is the situation with women anywhere, I'd say that depends on the particular woman. You can't say that all FSUW are like this or that. My wife didn't have any children when we met and she wanted one very much. I love children myself, and also wanted but felt I was getting perhaps a little old for that (and you're quite younger than me), so I left the question open.... perhaps, I told her. She didn't dump me on the grounds of my undecidedness, however, and later on we did get a baby.

Perhaps you should think long and hard over the issue if you want a child or not and come up With a yes or no answer the next time?

[calmissile]

Okay...this is in following up regarding my trip last month to Kharkov. During the latter part of that trip I had three dinner dates with a lady who has a 3 y.o. child. Prior to leaving we decided to keep in contact and I told her I plan to come back to visit her in May 2014.

Today the terp emailed me to inform me that the lady had decide not to continue with me. The reason given was during the last meeting, I told the lady that I don't consider it absolutely essential to have a baby together if we are to get marry.

So it appears that this 'baby-not-essential' idea is a deal breaker and is not compatible with FSUW mentality. I didn't realise it was such a big deal since she already has her own child. In Australia there are plenty of long term couples who are childless by their own choosing. There are even couples that prefer having pets rather than children.

BTW I am 37 y.o. and no previous children, the lady is 28 y.o.
I have never told the lady I am against children or anything like that.

So the question is...
Is it a fatal mistake to tell a FSUW of child bearing age that I don't consider it absolutely essential to have a baby together after marriage?

IMO it is essential to discuss having children in advance of a serious relationship/marriage.  If not in agreement the disagreement later on can be fatal.

[northkape]

Seeing your and the Lady's age,,,
Most FSU women would absolutely want a child with you, it's in their opinion, like a "contract of love" to have a child with their husband.
I am sure there are other issues at play here also,,,
If the lady was truly attracted to you, she would have wanted to continue, and then to find a way for a common child later.

You should have no problems at your age, finding a woman without children.
And make it very clear that you want a child with them.

[Belvis]

So the question is...
Is it a fatal mistake to tell a FSUW of child bearing age that I don't consider it absolutely essential to have a baby together after marriage?

It was right step to tell her you don't consider it  essential to have a baby together after marriage. She has to know your mindset in advance, so you can move on w/o harm for both.
However if you really wanted this woman as a wife these words were a fatal mistake. My wife confessed many years later that she had turned on me at the first date after I said I want kids.  A man has to love children and must want babies to be considered as a decent man to women's eyes in FSU society.  Of course, that is not  the liability to be fulfiled without fail.

[Isthmus]

Well you can't say all FSU women want children, I actually met up with an FSU lady here in Australia earlier this year who told me on our first date that children were not a priority for her and she wasn't sure she wanted children.  That was a deal breaker for me.

I spell it out very clearly that having my own children is a priority for me. In my experience most FSUW I met in person or communicated with expressed a desire to have children. I envisage you could struggle if you said you didn't want children in the age group of women you are looking at.

[I/O]

Today the terp

Who employed the terp?

[jazztropy]

Who employed the terp?

I was also thinking the interpreter may not have been accurate.

[jone]

Happy Holidays.

Based on your self description of the conversation, it does not necessarily sound like you said you didn't want children.   Moreover, a Terp will find any reason that is convenient to terminate a relationship if that is the goal.  You don't know what your date's reasons were.  She might have met a guy and you were just convenient seconds. 

We have said this many times before, but it bears stating again.  When an FSU Woman is into you, you will know it.  Otherwise all you are doing is an introduction dance.

The better question that you might have started with is how do you know that she really wants to be with you.  THAT is the question. 

[mendeleyev]

In agreement with others, in general as Belvis says,

A man has to love children and must want babies to be considered as a decent man to women's eyes in FSU society.

While not true for every lady, it is a valid generalization. However, you must be true to yourself as well. If you don't want any more children, be open about it or else it could bring on serious problems later. But a lady will absolutely judge you by how you relate to her child so if you meet a lady and begin to court keep in mind that she isn't about to bring her existing child into a new family if she senses that you don't like kids or can't get along with hers.

Given your age and the fact that you don't necessarily want more children may have planted doubts in her mind about your potential of being a father to her child. That is a valid concern as she really doesn't know you except for your very limited meeting(s).

In the future, remain honest and don't mislead but if you think that you'd be a good father to a lady's child don't hesitate to communicate that to a lady.

[tfcrew]

   The reason given was during the last meeting, I told the lady that I don't consider it absolutely essential to have a baby together if we are to get marry.

So you said that?
Some excuse..move on.

 
 

[sleepycat]

Given your age and the fact that you don't necessarily want more children may have planted doubts in her mind about your potential of being a father to her child.

Now trying to remember back, I think I did see a look of surprise on the lady's face after I mentioned about not essential to have another child with her.

On a positive note, now I know I just have to say I don't want children if ever I need a polite brush-off line for a FSUW!

[Aloe]

Now trying to remember back, I think I did see a look of surprise on the lady's face after I mentioned about not essential to have another child with her.

On a positive note, now I know I just have to say I don't want children if ever I need a polite brush-off line for a FSUW!

Really? Really? How about you just be honest and tell them the real reason instead of some BS excuse.

[Aloe]

Given your age and the fact that you don't necessarily want more children may have planted doubts in her mind about your potential of being a father to her child. That is a valid concern as she really doesn't know you except for your very limited meeting(s).

+100000000
If a guy says "I don't mind being childless", to a mother it sounds like "I don't like children that much anyway" - which is just saying that you won't make a good father, cuz you dont like kids.

[vwrw]

Not wanting to have children may complicate the search of a wife abroad indeed. Even if a woman does not want to have children, she may not take well a man's confession that he does not want to have children. For example, I have never felt a desire to give birth to kids. I like kids and they like me very much; however, I do not want limitations and responsibilities that come with having a child, so I made the choice to be child-free.


I would not care if my future husband did not want kids and we lived together in Russia because I would be independent. However, when a woman immigrates to the man's country, she becomes a dependent on the man for an indefinite period, and if the man does not like having a dependent person, the woman's dependency may make the man resentful.  I was very cautious with men who said they did not want kids. I was looking for man who felt he would be fine regardless of whether I choose to have a child or not.

[GQBlues]

SleepyCat-

That's two-for-two for you. Maybe you ought to start looking at what is actually wrong than working yourself to death with speculation...

So you had 3 dinner dates with a woman who likely didn't speak English, which obviously means $$ for an interpreter, and now you're home once again - alone.

The gal doesn't even have the decency to tell you in person what she's no longer interested in you and instead had her 'interpreter' tell you about it for your trouble...and once again, you're left speculating at home, again, alone.

Did you ever think about the possibility that had this woman had any REAL interest in you other than a free meal, that she would've at least further discuss this matter with you while you were still in-country?

Sounds to me like, based solely on your info, you were never worth the trouble....

So now you're here asking questions about something that may well have been a silly excuse to get rid of you making further contact her - and have the peanut gallery speculate over your speculation, and likely confuse you even more ( trust me, they're going to - and you will be ) maybe it's time for you to hone your dating skills at home and start getting better acquainted how to read women better. Specially since you're open to dating women who doesn't speak your language.

And if you're going to do that, start investing on Frisbees.

[Daveman]

SleepyCat-
...

Sounds to me like, based solely on your info, you were never worth the trouble....

...that may well have been a silly excuse to get rid of you making further contact her

That would be my bet.  I suppose it could be some wild paranoia on the part of the lady, but really, a silly excuse is the most reasonable likelihood.

[sund]

Not exactly direct answer to your situation, but I would like to add a contrast.  I am the father of 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren.  While in the Ukraine for the first time, vs the US, I was kind of scared to admit this to the ladies that I was meeting and dating.  In America, had I revealed this info on a date, ladies really ran away.  I look 10 years younger than I look, so they never imagined.  However, when the Ukrainian ladies would ask about my family life (again, another contrast to US women, who don't ask that question early on), I would tell them straight up.  Rather than watching these elegant and beautiful ladies run away, they would light up with smiles and compliment me, and tell me how wonderful it is to have such a big family.  Of course, they asked if I would like another child and I would say yes, and the conversation would move forward.  Since then, I have married my Ukrainian dream lady and she is 30 years old and we are hoping any day for some good baby news.  Happy 2014 to all and best wishes in finding your dream lady from Eastern Europe.

[Daveman]

...  I look 10 years younger than I look, so they never imagined....

I can believe they never imagined, because, if you look 10 years younger than you look, you'll recursively continue appearing younger until you separate into sperm and egg then pop out of existence. 


I've heard of guys looking younger... but you are indeed a first! 

[lonedrake]

Is it a fatal mistake to tell a FSUW of child bearing age that I don't consider it absolutely essential to have a baby together after marriage?

no

[ML]

I can believe they never imagined, because, if you look 10 years younger than you look, you'll recursively continue appearing younger until you separate into sperm and egg then pop out of existence. 

I think he meant to type that he was 10 years younger than he looks.

[GQBlues]

...I look 10 years younger than I look, so they never imagined....

Which likely means you're probably in your early to mid 60. So yes,( if so) chances of American women in their late 20s/early 30s dating and sticking around a man in his 60s is almost nil.

Thank goodness for Ukraine!

....Happy 2014 to all and best wishes in finding your dream lady from Eastern Europe.

...and to you as well!

[sund]

Like it matters, but to be more specific.  I am 55, but look in mid 40's.  No drinking, smoking, lifetime runner, Army paratrooper, stay in top shape, optimistic person.  'Nuff said.  Ciao.

[jone]

+100000000
If a guy says "I don't mind being childless", to a mother it sounds like "I don't like children that much anyway" - which is just saying that you won't make a good father, cuz you dont like kids.

Aloe, dear,

How do you know that this guy might not already have children and might even already have let her know that his children live with him and he is a good father?  Not saying that is the case here, but we so many times generalize on this forum. 

(As an aside, we miss talking to you.  You are always so much fun to be around.)

[Faux Pas]

Like it matters, but to be more specific.  I am 55, but look in mid 40's.  No drinking, smoking, lifetime runner, Army paratrooper, stay in top shape, optimistic person.  'Nuff said.  Ciao.

You're in some degree of denial here guy. Whether you run marathons, sugar has never touched your lips, no alcohol and you continuously bath in the fountain of youth. If you're 55, you look it unless you are in the .05% that do not and most of those are female. You might feel like 45 or 35 and if so, good for you. Let that be enough and quit lying to yourself. When I look in the mirror, I see the 25 year old FP stud muffin. But, I'm not deluded enough to think that's what others see. Seriously, you've got a 25 year age difference and you'll have many obstacles to overcome. You'd be ahead of the game to go ahead and end this one now.