Sex abuse or saint

[tulkas]

Hi!

I have have a Russian girlfriend and when I read about how common it is with sexual abuse at workplaces I begin to worry a little. My girl is a good looking Blondie with a small child. I have understood that it is not easy for women in Russia to get a job, and being a single mother with a small child does not make it easier. She has a quite well paid work as an accountant in a small construction company, but it is the other things that worries me. She has told me that she has some favors at work such as free time to go to the gym at daytime and free Saturdays while her co-workers has to work. Besides, when she was visiting me last year her boss paid for the trip, and he has also paid for her English lessons. My question is; is this normal in Russia? She seem to be a very decent girl, but all these favours makes me wonder; Is it normal in Russian culture that a boss is this generous without any reason? But if she is having sex affairs with her boss, then why would she tell me about her favours? It does not make sense. Of course I could always ask her about it, as soon as I can come up with a good way to ask her about such a horrible thing. I would be grateful for your opinions.

[BC]

tulkas,

There are very many possibilities here but you really have shared little info about your relationship to make an educated guess.

Have you met?.. like in person?

[tulkas]

Yes, we have met twice. First we met in the capital of my country, and the second time I visited her in her home city. I even lived in her apartment while she stayed at her mother's place. I really meant what I said about her being decent, she even does not like to receive money from me, so I have to figure out other gifts to give her. But these special favours that she receives from her boss makes me wonder if that is normal. Besides, I was at her company's New Years party, so I know that she is the only good looking young lady at their company. But maybe I am just a little paranoid..

[Voyageur]

Tulkas,

From what my Russian wife has told me, it is a different culture in the workplace in the FSU, than it is in Western-based companies. 

I would not make any rash judgements but would ask her honestly about it. Her answers will tell you alot about your relationship.

[Zhena]

Tulkas,
actually I dont think you have to worry about too much.
An accountant,is a very important person for every company and its true that they have more favors than other coworkers. If shes a good accountant,a boss appreciate her and may give some previlegies,including extra money(as she helps to save some).

[BC]

Tulkas,

Under those circumstances I tend to agree with Voyageurs' advice.  If something is on your mind then it's something you should talk about with her.. best in person and not telephone/emails for such a sensitive subject.

I think in your shoes I would be maybe a bit concerned that she is so open about these 'favors'.. but that's just me.. Mainly because she seems to have a good 'handle' on the boss.  Whether that 'handle' is to be applied to you is the other question.

In any case be open, accepting and tolerant.  You can decide what's best for you from there.

[Sohkay]

Tulkas,
I can see where this would give you cause for concern. And it seems to me that this is a completely valid subject to communicate about. My girlfriend believes if I don't question her at some level, she a doubts a little my sincerity. I agree. A little jealousy, a little concern is very natural and normal.

Like Voyageur says, your communication on this subject could help you learn more about her. And of course, without honest and open communication, two people will not have a good, loving relationship.

So....talk to her!

Good luck.

[Sohkay]

Tulkas,
I have two follow-up questions.

Have the two of you agreed to a mutually exclusive relationship?

When will you next see her?

[groovlstk]

This is a tough one, and you have every right to be concerned. I dated two women in Ukraine who had bosses who expected, even demanded, sexual favors. And those are just the two who confided in me.

The one element in her favor is that her boss seems to openly support your relationship with her.

This is definitely something you need to discuss thoroughly with her.

[mischief]

Seems to me you have nothing to worry about… If she had anything going on she would definitely not tell you about the favors unless she is stupid (and since she is accountant, more than likely she is not)… The reason she is telling you about the favors might be to boast a little how good she is and how much appreciated she is because of that … I had lots of favors at my work place and I loooved to let everybody know about them – I’m vain a little…. luckily for my husband, my boss was a woman…
But it make sense if you talk with her about it… just say that you are always worried that somebody can take her away from you (which will make her feel good)… and when she will say something like you have nothing to worry about, mention her boss and his favors…

[BillyB]

Months ago I told my fiancee that I'm against sexual harassment and if anybody is bothering her at work, to let me know. She said she works for good people and not to worry. Recently her grandmother died and her boss gave her $200 for the funeral. I'm not jealous. I always suspected that she's an honest hard working employee that would be an asset to any company she works for.

[tulkas]

Okay, thanks all for your input! So, it seems to me that a situation like this can be possible without any "dirty activities", and what you say make sense. I probably got carried away a little when I read how common these kind of activities are. I read somewhere that 70% of the RL in a big survey said that they had experienced sexual harassment at work. Though of course sexual harassment can be everything from dirty talking to rape.

[wiz]

Tulkas

Mischief has given you the best answer but I will be brutal about it!

Your main worry is how your relationship is developing with her and as somebody else said, make sure you have good communication between you two!

Are you worrying about her past or what it will happen in the future?

If the woman has sex with her boss or anybody else, while she is in Russia, how would you know?

Has it occur to you that she is honest and may telling you all that just to see your reaction and gage your intentions?

If the woman has a good job, like an accountant in Russia, why she is considering leaving everything behind and looking for a man abroad?

According to Natassa who is a bookeeper, a woman from Moscow who I am meeting and is here now, they do get paid better than other workers and get perks too. Her company paid for her ticket to UK, she told me. Should I be jealouse or suspicius about it?

If she is an attractive woman, do you expect her not to be admired by other men and not to be approached?

Are you the jealous type of person or insecure about your own position?

Don’t you think you should trust the woman until proven otherwise?

If you don’t then you are spoiling your chances for success.

Good luck anyway.

[tulkas]

Thanks for your frank opinion Wiz, but I think that you misunderstood a little. I do not want to know the truth just so that I could accuse her for cheating on me if would turn out that she has dirty affairs with her boss. I just care about her, and if she is forced to do that kind of things just to keep her job, then I would of course do anything to help her improve the situation. No woman deserves to live under such circumstances. My question for this forum was just if a situation like this is normal in FSU. Thanks!

[wiz]

Ok I understand

But bear in mind sexual charrasement happens all over the world!

No offence to you or to your friend but I don't think, if that is the case and she is forced to have sex with her boss, that she will ever tell you for the obvious 1000 reasons.

I suggest you are very carefull so not to spoil your relationship!

[Zhena]

If the woman has a good job, like an accountant in Russia, why she is considering leaving everything behind and looking for a man abroad?

Because a lot of little companies exist just for a short time. You cant feel yourself stable and be sure that you ll keep your job tomorrow. Also she has a little kid-I dont think that makes her life easier.

I think if she would have something with her boss,she wouldnt demonstrate this.

[PeeWee]

Okay, thanks all for your input! So, it seems to me that a situation like this can be possible without any "dirty activities", and what you say make sense. I probably got carried away a little when I read how common these kind of activities are. I read somewhere that 70% of the RL in a big survey said that they had experienced sexual harassment at work. Though of course sexual harassment can be everything from dirty talking to rape.

She most likely wears those pointy shoes. He has a pair of nads. All she had to do is apply the shoe to the nads...end of story.

Peewee

[Jet]

She most likely wears those pointy shoes. He has a pair of nads. All she had to do is apply the shoe to the nads...end of story.

Peewee

Peewee,
Not to piss in your cornflakes but I've read several posts of yours this morning and it is becoming more and more apparent that you just don't quite *get* the way thing work over there. You need to get out of the mindset of trying to apply Western values to Eastern Europe, it just doesn't work.

The pointy shoe in the nads is NOT the end of the story. Not sure about Moscow but if this were done in the provinces, the end of the story is that he picks himself up and proceedes to beat the living sh*t out of her - that's the end of the story. No cops, no charges, no job...

[catzenmouse]

Peewee,
Not to piss in your cornflakes but I've read several posts of yours this morning and it is becoming more and more apparent that you just don't quite *get* the way thing work over there. You need to get out of the mindset of trying to apply Western values to Eastern Europe, it just doesn't work.

The pointy shoe in the nads is NOT the end of the story. Not sure about Moscow but if this were done in the provinces, the end of the story is that he picks himself up and proceedes to beat the living sh*t out of her - that's the end of the story. No cops, no charges, no job...

Seems to me that someone already did piss on his cornflakes. PeeWee you're mighty cranky today...

[PeeWee]

Peewee,
Not to piss in your cornflakes but I've read several posts of yours this morning and it is becoming more and more apparent that you just don't quite *get* the way thing work over there. You need to get out of the mindset of trying to apply Western values to Eastern Europe, it just doesn't work.

The pointy shoe in the nads is NOT the end of the story. Not sure about Moscow but if this were done in the provinces, the end of the story is that he picks himself up and proceedes to beat the living sh*t out of her - that's the end of the story. No cops, no charges, no job...

Jet, I think what you don't get is a cynical remark. Of course I know up from down. After 5 years of dating RW and two trips to the Evil Empire I at least have clue. You are like my son. You become so passionate about the message that you miss the punch line.

Peewee

[BC]

PeeWee,

A LOL or couple of smileys would have made it a bit more clear.

I got one Dad.. 'n that's the way I want to keep it 

[PeeWee]

PeeWee,

A LOL or couple of smileys would have made it a bit more clear.

I got one Dad.. 'n that's the way I want to keep it¦nbsp;

There's smileys? On the other hand I just say what I say. If someone does not get where I am coming from then I let it pass as a "sail over."  As in over the head "sail over."  You can imagine how much trouble that gets me into from time to time. Let me try a smiley--------------->    see if it works.

Peewee

[BC]

.. now that's better